Aunt Agony 060406

Originally posted by T.Ryousuke:
I have gone through all those replies you posted about my problem.
To an extend, I appear to be holding too tight to the past. But one thing I don't understand?

I had married for 4 years plus 3 years courtship. All along there were many many quarrel between us about small small issues, seem like not compatable.
From the time I start mention about divorce till we sign the separation letter and till I sold our flat was about 4 mth, in between this time she didn't voice up any thing. That was already 1 1/2 year from now, until recently I call her to sign this very last document, then she like just wake up. Someone told me she might had a second though, thinking that we will be together again, although we have yet to sign the divorce doc. To me, this is not the way to handle a marriage. I told her:" you are treating this as a game or what?,if I said it, I mean it! ". Maybe I'm too harsh toward her, but I still feel that she is not mature yet.

Recently my friends told me that she called them afew times talking about me and also some other thing, cos she don't have friends to talk to. And this happened after I told her to sign the divorce paper in Jan this year.

For the past, what really gone missing here is the love she had for me, the kind of caring and concern which I needed. And that is the main reason I chose to divorce since we don't have any children yet. And due to work pressure we had, I think it need alot of hardwork to maintain a family with her.

Yunnie, what's wrong with me? Am I not being fair to her. I allow time for her to show me how much she care about us! And for 1 1/2 year she's still thinking there is hope without putting in any effort to save this marriage. To me, I feel all along I spoil her by doing all the house work and taking care of other major issue. She just sit there and waiting for me, and also maybe scare of me being angry somtime. I just need someone to be proactive that's all. Some say communication problem, or I being too sensitive?

Cheers


When she said she has second thoughts about the divorce... how does it occur to you? Minus the anger, do you still see yourself having feelings for her?

There may be some concerns regarding compatibility, however, if there was still a choice, would you still go on with the divorce?

There won't be any mistake in decision here, because the mistake was brought forth from the already unstable relationship onto marriage. Whether you divorce her in the end or decide another alternative, it is merely a route you pick for yourself to walk into.

Your needs... does she fully understand what your needs meant to you? Or is it a break-down in communication leading to a mind-reading scenario? Even if she doesn't says anything, what do you [i]really [/i]know inside her?

Gradually, becoming individualistic in attitude, behaviour and style of communication eats into your relationship.

[quote] I think it need alot of hardwork to maintain a family with her. [/quote]

You are entitled your own perception, but individualistic thoughts like this creates difficulty for marriage to thrive. Afterall, you made your decision to marry this woman. Whether she is matured or not in your definition - you took the option of marriage with her. Her behaviour is definitely a known thing and not something completely foreign altogether.

There are a lot of blame pushing and pin pointing here. If you feel that you want to salvage this marriage, like what she does probably wants - it will be good to cease the blame game and communicate without having the finger pointing.

P.S: Both of you probably have more to lose out after a divorce from a wrecked marriage. If there was still a choice, what that has happen would become learning modules for marriage.

Cheers