Originally posted by Purpleoceanas:
Dear Auntie Agony
U know I am in the state of confusion for the past one week. I really don’t understand a guy’s thinking.
Here is how the story goes.
I was training at the gym with my friend when a guy randomly approached me for my number. Things went well initially. We agreed to meet up for dinner and movie. He gave me a good impression through the dinner and movie.
I eventually agreed to watch the second movie with him, this time a horror movie – since he was quite enthu about it.
Half way the movie, he asked me if I was feeling cold – and my response was – nope I am ok since I am wearing a cardigan and I wasn’t really frighten by the movie coz i like horror movie.
Perhaps he realized that he was getting no where , and he suddenly whispered into my ears saying that he likes me alots and wants me to be his girlfriend and held my hand. I swear my mind was frozen for that second coz I was really engrossed into the movie. He asked If I was angry when he held my hand.. I was not angry , but just in state of shock. I did not pull my hand away. But I realized I soon made a mistake.
He became v touchy the moment I didn’t let go of my hand. He pulled me closer to him, and was kissing my hand and head through the movie – which made me feeling super uncomfortable.
After movie, he continue to hold my hand and I did not let go either coz I thought I could give this relationship a try.
He did not want to go home after movie and suggested supper near his house. We took a cab home and in the cab, I did told him that we were moving things abit too fast.. maybe we should slow down thing alittle.
Anyway , after we alighted , we didn’t went supper coz he said he was not hungry anymore. But he said he wanted to drink . so we went to buy a can of beer for both of us at the nearby 7-11. Initially, we were drinking at his void deck. Soon he tried to coax me to go his house. I initially refused, but he pleaded me till I had no choice but to his house.
So we went to his house and his parents were still awake when we entered his house. We went to his room and there was no chair for me to , and I had to sit on his bed while he go and showered .
At the point, I was feeling v scared coz I felt unsafe and started texting my friend to let her know where I was.
Anyway he was out from the shower and wants to cuddle in bed. ;x which I agree but soon he was getting out of hand – where he tried to kiss me and climbed on top of me which made ma panicked. I was struggling to break free, and making a big fuss of wanting to go home.
At this moment , my friend called, and I answered the call, lying to him that it was my best guy friend who called to check on me. he was really upset that I choose to pick up the call and reported my whereabout to “him”. We had a minor argument – where he eventually agrees to hold my hand, and hug and kiss me only and he will not force me to go his house again until I am ready.
He eventually sent me home , and at my void deck, he asked for a goodbye kiss, which I did give him but I pulled away again when he touched my breast. ;x anyway I went home and I sent him a sorry text as I don’t meant to end thing lidat.
The next day, I went to meet my own friends , and most of them discourage me to continue with him.
He didn’t not text me again until night time – around 9 plus to confirm our meeting on tues( it was a ph) .
I did not reply as I was out with my friends. And by 11 pm, he got angry that I did not reply and he called me. actually I was drafting a text to him, explaining that I just want to be friend with him first and see how things go. But becoz he become too aggressive , I was too afraid to answer his call.
Nevertheless, after some texting ( some exchanges of nasty words here and there) – we decided to talk over the phone instead. I tried to explain to him my standpoint. But to him, he keep saying that I am hurting him, gave him a roller coaster ride and playing with him. .. eventually he did give in to my request of just being friends.
After that call, he did not text me again. I tried to contact him – texting him if he still wants to meet on Tuesday, his reply was “ he is already meeting his friend, sorry dear.. “.
After that text, I did not hear from him again.
I really want to give this relationship a chance but I guess I ruined it with my own hand.
What should I do if I want to win him back.. but yet I am afraid that he is just after my body. :(
You did not ruin this relationship with your own hands; there is no relationship to begin with, so how can you ruin something that doesn't exist? Technically speaking, you didn't agree to be in a relationship just yet.
You proceeded with intention of a prospective relationship, but he proceeded with the intention of having an express queue to sex. Your womanly instinct already sounded an alarm, which hinted you to text your friend on your whereabouts. Emotionally, you are already confused (together with some alcohol to bring about greater judgment error) - however, I can sense that you still would like to give him a chance (despite all that happenings and your friends' disapprovals).
His own needs has overwhelmed him completely, insofar that your needs are being compromised. He does not appear to be genuinely interested in knowing you as a person, more than knowing how he can satisfy himself physically.
He is looking for a quick physical fix; you have to figure if this is what you want.
Cheers
Friday, October 25, 2013
Aunt Agony 251013
Originally posted by IndonGirl:
For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to take time to read my long story to understand what happen to us.
I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend. This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man (since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents. After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we become close friend.
For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun. Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.
Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will be good.
Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and my family but now no more.
After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him to faster get married because his father also already give up of him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known each other.
On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he gambling.
On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting. This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father (that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my parents and let my parents know what had happen.
My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not 24 hours together.
At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide really come to my mind.
The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible, respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is accepted.
Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again. Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9 o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone, follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and sometimes meet client.
Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store. At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents, don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.
In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want, I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their house and stay there for few days until my parents come.
My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too. And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit together with us, say sorry to my parents.
We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.
Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst. They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be good.
Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold, after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint account name. He promise to be truth and many more.
Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not. Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly happen, Along can come to look for his wife.
Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money, have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he feel angry.
All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell house to clear debts.
Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle, leave him struggle him self.
Am I a bad wife?
All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many time by his father about his gambling habit.
We have date but as u know we are from diff country so of course can’t often date like in the same city. Sometime he visit me and vice versa. Usually I stay at spore just few day because I still working, he also can’t always accompany me have to work and I feel not so good to every time go spore stay at his friend house. That’s why I think should be ok if we don’t take long time in relationship since many people I trust said he is a good guy. He and me also not young already.
Before married, I ever said want to cancel. I found out that he talk more than action. I think I need time to know him more but what can I do he told me that if cancel I have to responsible for the dinner party too. Its a dinner party at 5 star hotel, so expensive. Me where got so much money, some more I just post my resign letter as he ask me to stop working and start prepare for wedding things. He said he will give me pocket money and will take care of me. At that time, many thing happen to his family too, father sick go hospital, brother got car accident. His friend also had scold him because of his bullshit, then I think give him a chance see how. If until the married day he still not done some of what he promised me then I will cancel my wedding. After resign he did give me pocket money 2K/ month as he promise. He did some renovation for our new room. No one tell me he is a gambler.
During his tough time, he got send me pocket money too but of course not as much as he promise. He send every time I ask money from him. Come back to my country, every month also have expenses. I think its no wrong for me to ask from him, am I right?
We seldom message or call each other already after I come back to my hometown. I hate to hear I miss u, I love u. For me all this is bullshit. If u love me, should u cheat me, should u hurt me. Just wait and see whether he will do what he promise me or not.
When he ask me when will I go back to him, I told him will go back after his problem settle, house sold, I got my part as he promise me. Many time he ask me and I give the same answer. But then I rethink, will he give me those money? Why not just push him to faster buy new house. And when not enough, can u those money that he promise will give me. So the next time he ask when will I go back, I told him after he buy new house, If not I will not go back.
Finally house sold, he already got money he forgot what he promise me, he forgot he already married and wife still waiting for him to do what he promise. I message him ask him have he find new house? How will he give me my part as he promise me. I message him many time ask him how and he don’t want to reply me. Then after a month I call him, ask him how, I told him it is not possible for me to keep staying at my hometown, hiding from people. And the answer I get is ‘I will not give that money, I have put all money into business so if u want to come back then come back otherwise I can’t force u too. I will only give you allowance every month’. Is this what he should answer me? Is this my husband?
I told him to give me money so I can do some business since I don’t know I will stay here for how long but he don’t want, he said he never ask me to work here but ask me to go back to him. If readers are me, will u just go back like nothing happen?
Then I told him, he still owe me. When I am there, he ever borrow money from me. He also haven’t give me enough for my allowance as he promise. This time he send 7K for me. He have send money, if readers are me, will u go back to him?
I think many days and still can believe this horrible marriage . Is he ever love me? Really love me? Why when the time I ask for cancel, he don’t want to cancel. Is it a mission behind this married? So stress every time think of this thing. Why my life become like this? Am I did a big mistake in my past life that’s why now I have to receive all this. Suicide or be crazy always come to my mind every time I can’t cool down my mind. I feel so unfair, have been cheat from the beginning we know each other. Are we girl born to be cheat, to be bully? I want to find my woman right but I don’t know how?
I really can’t endure anymore what he had done to me, I message him said that better we separate and start prepare for all the documentation if he can’t do what he promise me. How can I trust him if he always promise but not do it? Told me will stop gambling but who can guarantee. His attitude, irresponsibility, unrespect, nothing can make me feel happy and secure to be with him anymore. He no reply me, then I call him and told him. The answer I get is ok tomorrow will look for lawyer to settle. He really hurt me again and again although I want to divorce should he straight away told me that. Why he didn’t say ok we cancel when I ask for cancel. This is men, I don’t know is all men like this or not but for sure is I really can’t trust anyone anymore except my parents.
if readers are me, what will u do? Will you go back to him since now he already have job have business, have give you money, have promise will not gambling? But no house and didn’t do what he promise write on agreement letter.
It is quite a mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.
***
Your situation has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2) he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is interested in you.
Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him because I foresee little future, etc).
In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the 'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome from your ideals.
Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to you.
When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones), suicide is unnecessary.
***
The talk about sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red flushes.
Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.
Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having all the information about the person at hand. After all, many people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are poor reference for decision making in love.
P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.
Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.
Cheers
For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to take time to read my long story to understand what happen to us.
I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend. This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man (since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents. After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we become close friend.
For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun. Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.
Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will be good.
Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and my family but now no more.
After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him to faster get married because his father also already give up of him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known each other.
On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he gambling.
On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting. This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father (that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my parents and let my parents know what had happen.
My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not 24 hours together.
At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide really come to my mind.
The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible, respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is accepted.
Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again. Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9 o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone, follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and sometimes meet client.
Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store. At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents, don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.
In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want, I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their house and stay there for few days until my parents come.
My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too. And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit together with us, say sorry to my parents.
We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.
Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst. They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be good.
Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold, after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint account name. He promise to be truth and many more.
Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not. Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly happen, Along can come to look for his wife.
Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money, have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he feel angry.
All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell house to clear debts.
Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle, leave him struggle him self.
Am I a bad wife?
All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many time by his father about his gambling habit.
We have date but as u know we are from diff country so of course can’t often date like in the same city. Sometime he visit me and vice versa. Usually I stay at spore just few day because I still working, he also can’t always accompany me have to work and I feel not so good to every time go spore stay at his friend house. That’s why I think should be ok if we don’t take long time in relationship since many people I trust said he is a good guy. He and me also not young already.
Before married, I ever said want to cancel. I found out that he talk more than action. I think I need time to know him more but what can I do he told me that if cancel I have to responsible for the dinner party too. Its a dinner party at 5 star hotel, so expensive. Me where got so much money, some more I just post my resign letter as he ask me to stop working and start prepare for wedding things. He said he will give me pocket money and will take care of me. At that time, many thing happen to his family too, father sick go hospital, brother got car accident. His friend also had scold him because of his bullshit, then I think give him a chance see how. If until the married day he still not done some of what he promised me then I will cancel my wedding. After resign he did give me pocket money 2K/ month as he promise. He did some renovation for our new room. No one tell me he is a gambler.
During his tough time, he got send me pocket money too but of course not as much as he promise. He send every time I ask money from him. Come back to my country, every month also have expenses. I think its no wrong for me to ask from him, am I right?
We seldom message or call each other already after I come back to my hometown. I hate to hear I miss u, I love u. For me all this is bullshit. If u love me, should u cheat me, should u hurt me. Just wait and see whether he will do what he promise me or not.
When he ask me when will I go back to him, I told him will go back after his problem settle, house sold, I got my part as he promise me. Many time he ask me and I give the same answer. But then I rethink, will he give me those money? Why not just push him to faster buy new house. And when not enough, can u those money that he promise will give me. So the next time he ask when will I go back, I told him after he buy new house, If not I will not go back.
Finally house sold, he already got money he forgot what he promise me, he forgot he already married and wife still waiting for him to do what he promise. I message him ask him have he find new house? How will he give me my part as he promise me. I message him many time ask him how and he don’t want to reply me. Then after a month I call him, ask him how, I told him it is not possible for me to keep staying at my hometown, hiding from people. And the answer I get is ‘I will not give that money, I have put all money into business so if u want to come back then come back otherwise I can’t force u too. I will only give you allowance every month’. Is this what he should answer me? Is this my husband?
I told him to give me money so I can do some business since I don’t know I will stay here for how long but he don’t want, he said he never ask me to work here but ask me to go back to him. If readers are me, will u just go back like nothing happen?
Then I told him, he still owe me. When I am there, he ever borrow money from me. He also haven’t give me enough for my allowance as he promise. This time he send 7K for me. He have send money, if readers are me, will u go back to him?
I think many days and still can believe this horrible marriage . Is he ever love me? Really love me? Why when the time I ask for cancel, he don’t want to cancel. Is it a mission behind this married? So stress every time think of this thing. Why my life become like this? Am I did a big mistake in my past life that’s why now I have to receive all this. Suicide or be crazy always come to my mind every time I can’t cool down my mind. I feel so unfair, have been cheat from the beginning we know each other. Are we girl born to be cheat, to be bully? I want to find my woman right but I don’t know how?
I really can’t endure anymore what he had done to me, I message him said that better we separate and start prepare for all the documentation if he can’t do what he promise me. How can I trust him if he always promise but not do it? Told me will stop gambling but who can guarantee. His attitude, irresponsibility, unrespect, nothing can make me feel happy and secure to be with him anymore. He no reply me, then I call him and told him. The answer I get is ok tomorrow will look for lawyer to settle. He really hurt me again and again although I want to divorce should he straight away told me that. Why he didn’t say ok we cancel when I ask for cancel. This is men, I don’t know is all men like this or not but for sure is I really can’t trust anyone anymore except my parents.
if readers are me, what will u do? Will you go back to him since now he already have job have business, have give you money, have promise will not gambling? But no house and didn’t do what he promise write on agreement letter.
It is quite a mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.
***
Your situation has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2) he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is interested in you.
Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him because I foresee little future, etc).
In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the 'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome from your ideals.
Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to you.
When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones), suicide is unnecessary.
***
The talk about sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red flushes.
Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.
Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having all the information about the person at hand. After all, many people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are poor reference for decision making in love.
P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.
Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.
Cheers
Monday, September 23, 2013
More couples apply flat before marriage
More people are actually applying for flats before getting married. Not surprising though - you can read the article here
Just had a conversation with Cheryl and I was just sharing about the 'ideals' of proposing first before everything else - like applying for flat. I mean if a couple is applying for flat, like it or not: that is already somewhat a soft proposal. Cheryl kind of agreed and was quite shocked when I told her that this phenomenon is pretty much the norm these days (you got to excuse her startling revelation considering the fact that she has been living overseas for quite a while).
Pragmatic concerns may be important, but then again, even from a pragmatic point of view - if your relationship were to be terminated before you get your flat, the harsh penalty of 5% of purchase price will set you back easily by 20k - 30k, as compared to a proposal ring alone (unless you decide to blow a greater insane amount on a ring).
Hack, if your relationship is not yet secure but your flat is - it actually carries more risk than having to propose first and to plan out everything else later. After all, proposing itself IS already a commitment that you are taking this relationship a little bit further. It is pretty much the same as getting a flat together.
Also, planning does not necessarily mean getting the flat immediately after the proposal - you can decide what the relationship needs so that both of you can be more emotionally prepared for marriage. Being emotionally ready IS an important prerequisite.
Some people argued about the lack of time period to wait - my take is that if you are planning to live with this person for the rest of your life, your decide if this small fraction of time spent is worth the while in view of say a 40 - 50 years lifeline.
A relationship is more likely to succeed, even without a well-planned registration of BTO flat if its foundation is robust, as compared to having key to your BTO flat, but with a cui (feeble) relationship.
Just had a conversation with Cheryl and I was just sharing about the 'ideals' of proposing first before everything else - like applying for flat. I mean if a couple is applying for flat, like it or not: that is already somewhat a soft proposal. Cheryl kind of agreed and was quite shocked when I told her that this phenomenon is pretty much the norm these days (you got to excuse her startling revelation considering the fact that she has been living overseas for quite a while).
Pragmatic concerns may be important, but then again, even from a pragmatic point of view - if your relationship were to be terminated before you get your flat, the harsh penalty of 5% of purchase price will set you back easily by 20k - 30k, as compared to a proposal ring alone (unless you decide to blow a greater insane amount on a ring).
Hack, if your relationship is not yet secure but your flat is - it actually carries more risk than having to propose first and to plan out everything else later. After all, proposing itself IS already a commitment that you are taking this relationship a little bit further. It is pretty much the same as getting a flat together.
Also, planning does not necessarily mean getting the flat immediately after the proposal - you can decide what the relationship needs so that both of you can be more emotionally prepared for marriage. Being emotionally ready IS an important prerequisite.
Some people argued about the lack of time period to wait - my take is that if you are planning to live with this person for the rest of your life, your decide if this small fraction of time spent is worth the while in view of say a 40 - 50 years lifeline.
A relationship is more likely to succeed, even without a well-planned registration of BTO flat if its foundation is robust, as compared to having key to your BTO flat, but with a cui (feeble) relationship.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Aunt Agony 290813
Originally posted by redname:
do i really wanna be with my gf.........
i dnt know whether it's natural or not. sometimes i really wanna be with her, go out, share the good times but sometimes i just wanna be alone and find it a chore to go out.
I always thought tht when you like somebody, you always wanna go out and be with tht person but to me, this feelings of wanting to b with tht person changes, sometimes i'm dying to see her, sometimes i dnt feel anything.
this relationship seems to have much issues and everytime when something goes wrg, i keep thinking whether i shld hold on to this relationship or just let go.
we are of the age to get married and she did express to me tht she really wants to end up with me, i too want her but at the back of my mind, although I really want this to work out (she's a great girl lah), i can't convince myself tht i can promise what the future holds, so i can't tell her tht i share the same sentiments too cause i'm jus afraid sh!t happens.
PS: we've only been together for more than a month, so i wonder is it just part and parcel of a relationship :(.
It's kind of hard to decide if you are going to end up marrying this lady since you are only dating her for a month plus. It is like deciding whether a book is great merely by reading the prologue.
In that sort of circumstances, I think it's hard for anyone - not just limited to you.
Since you are already in the relationship, you probably would have quite a fair bit of adjustment, compromising and negotiation to work on. These are part and parcel of a successful relationship; a marriage is never part of this deal until you transform this option into a choice and decide that this pursuit is worth the cons to bring it into a different level.
You probably only want to marry once. Hence, all other relationships would probably end before it reaches that line.
Learn to enjoy your relationship and let the universe take over (for now).
Cheers
do i really wanna be with my gf.........
i dnt know whether it's natural or not. sometimes i really wanna be with her, go out, share the good times but sometimes i just wanna be alone and find it a chore to go out.
I always thought tht when you like somebody, you always wanna go out and be with tht person but to me, this feelings of wanting to b with tht person changes, sometimes i'm dying to see her, sometimes i dnt feel anything.
this relationship seems to have much issues and everytime when something goes wrg, i keep thinking whether i shld hold on to this relationship or just let go.
we are of the age to get married and she did express to me tht she really wants to end up with me, i too want her but at the back of my mind, although I really want this to work out (she's a great girl lah), i can't convince myself tht i can promise what the future holds, so i can't tell her tht i share the same sentiments too cause i'm jus afraid sh!t happens.
PS: we've only been together for more than a month, so i wonder is it just part and parcel of a relationship :(.
It's kind of hard to decide if you are going to end up marrying this lady since you are only dating her for a month plus. It is like deciding whether a book is great merely by reading the prologue.
In that sort of circumstances, I think it's hard for anyone - not just limited to you.
Since you are already in the relationship, you probably would have quite a fair bit of adjustment, compromising and negotiation to work on. These are part and parcel of a successful relationship; a marriage is never part of this deal until you transform this option into a choice and decide that this pursuit is worth the cons to bring it into a different level.
You probably only want to marry once. Hence, all other relationships would probably end before it reaches that line.
Learn to enjoy your relationship and let the universe take over (for now).
Cheers
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Why Developing Serious Relationships in Your 20s Matter
Are you in your twenties? Are you an entrepreneur? Have you been told by your friends, your advisors, and your professional peers that now is your time to build your own life and not worry about things like settling down and having children — especially if you’re a female entrepreneur?
It makes sense, right? This is the only time in your life when you have no ties, no mortgage, no kids to support. This is the only time you can really do something ambitious, if you’re being practical.
And let’s face it, you’re not ready anyway. You’re busy building your company, figuring out who you are, what you want. You get laid on a regular basis; it’s not like you don’t have a love life. A “love” life.
And everyone around you agrees. Everyone!
Now is the time to live! (By which you mean building the next change-the-world company, of course.) You’ve moved to New York. Or San Francisco. Or Palo Alto. Or Boston. With the express purpose of building something.
This is a noble cause. There is nothing more professionally satisfying as building something. Something you love. Something you can “get behind.”
But...
There was this girl. This guy.
Eh, fuck it. You’re busy. You have more important things to do. Changing the world is a full-time job and if you don’t do it now, when will you?
Here’s the thing: I know you. You’re probably one of the many people I’ve mentored or hired. On multiple occasions, you’ve explained to me (as if I were your batty old aunt, but I’m not taking it personally) that you have no time to get to know anyone because you’re busy doing your work.
This is a complete fallacy. Work and relationships are not incompatible. (Ask Mark Zuckerberg.)
I’ll wager that there is something about big transient cities that distorts everyone’s sense of time. You become convinced that you have time for everything you find challenging, that your ultimate horizon is infinite. This is only the beginning for you.
But you don’t know how much time you have. And even if things go well for you, your time is finite. You can’t figure out your professional life now and your personal life later. (Unless you’re the rare thirteen-year-old entrepreneur, in which case, I might demur.)
And here is why: As with coding and management and matters of finance and marketing, relationships have a learning curve. You learn the basics of “relationshiptiva” (note to copyed: yes, I made up that word): How to deal with sexual etiquette, mundane everyday things, scheduling, and appropriate meetings with close friends, and some equitable plan for who’s supposed to pay for dinner or wash the dishesthis time. These are basics. And if you’re learning them in your thirties, it’s going to be much harder.
Because in a few years, however young you think yourself (how old is thirty, really?), you will be approaching midlife and you won’t be as adaptable as you once were. There are reasons for this, many of which are biological. Your body won’t respond the same way. You’ll have knee problems that didn’t exist when you were running sophomore track. You can’t stay out till 4:00 a.m. anymore, because now the same alcohol intake has somehow resulted in a hangover that’s a multiple of what it once was — and you will never ever have appreciated a nice soft pillow more. And if you think you can fend these things off with diet and exercise, you should probably buy a good solid book on the aging process or find a professional athlete over the age of thirty to talk to. They will speak of massage therapists and bone density and necessary nutritional supplements. You can mitigate these things, but you can’t entirely avoid them.
But that is not the point. The point is that thirty (or thirty-two, or thirty-five) is not the age when you want to be practicing serious relationships for the first time. Because learning how to develop a meaningful, sustainable relationship and keep it healthy takes some extended practice. You have to get beyond the basics — the sexual negotiations and the decisions about whose clothes go where and how to talk about exes. You have to figure out how to fight well, how to negotiate major value conflicts (if you can — some are impossible), and how to deal with the inevitabilities that come your way.
And those inevitabilities are myriad: At some point, you and your partner will go through a period of disillusionment when someone else turns your head or your partner’s. Maybe you have an affair, maybe you don’t. At some point, one of you will have significantly more career success than the other. This will become a point of tension. As will the disparity in income that usually accompanies it. At some point, you will disagree on how to raise your child and you will each wield the child as the ultimate weapon in a battle of wills. (I’m just doing what’s best forour child!) And at some point, one of you will have a major life issue that costs you everything or close (cancer, financial ruin, miscellaneous crisis), and the other person will have to decide to commit to or not.
It’s not a question of whether each of these things will happen; it’s a question of when. And if you do decide to spend a life with someone, you have to decide that you are willing to face all of these things and acknowledge that some of them could happen sooner than you expect.
Relationships are too important to learn how to face those issues at the last minute. You have to go through a few of them to know how to properly conduct one. You have to fail. You have to date a few terrible people. You have to be the asshole yourself sometimes. You have to learn how not to be the asshole. You have to spend tons of time together — so much time that sometimes you feel indistinguishable from each other and you find that both reassuring and disturbing. You have to have a vicious fight and know it’s not ending you and that you’re going to have to work to repair it and that the effort is worthwhile. These things take time.
I’m not suggesting, mind you, that you settle down in your twenties. I don’t envision you in a ranch home in the suburbs at twenty-six, feeding your toddlers Cheerios and pureed organic carrots and carting them to and from soccer practice in the family [Missouri: Suburban; SoCal: Prius].
I’m just saying that it’s worth it to look at your romantic relationships nakedly. (Metaphorically, not literally. Unless that’s your thing — in which case, contemplate in the nude as much as you want.) Work at a relationship the way you work at your work. Spend the time. Make the effort.
You need the practice. You need to learn. Some of you can wait another ten or twenty years to do that. And some of you may be the rare bachelors and bachelorettes who have no intention of ever being in a serious committed relationship ever. But not most of you, especially if you’re envisioning a spouse and kids sometime before you can start collecting social security. You need time — and lots of it.
And you need to remember that work is not everything. I met my fiancé at work, which is not a way that Detached Professional Me would ever advise anyone to go about meeting people. Under the circumstances, we had to decide fairly quickly whether we were willing to get fired. What was more important: the job or the relationship? We picked the latter. Fortunately, nobody got fired. But if I had been sent packing, I wouldn’t regret it. Jobs are replaceable. People you truly love are not.
I think it’s fair to say — with no scientific evidence — that deathbed wishes rarely include, “If only I had put another twenty hours a week in at the office! That slightly cleaner product release would have made all the difference.” But that guy, that girl? You might regret that.
***
Good read! After all, our cosmic lesson in love tends to become more costly at we aged (and we think inflation applies only to economics).
For original text, you can access it from here
It makes sense, right? This is the only time in your life when you have no ties, no mortgage, no kids to support. This is the only time you can really do something ambitious, if you’re being practical.
And let’s face it, you’re not ready anyway. You’re busy building your company, figuring out who you are, what you want. You get laid on a regular basis; it’s not like you don’t have a love life. A “love” life.
And everyone around you agrees. Everyone!
Now is the time to live! (By which you mean building the next change-the-world company, of course.) You’ve moved to New York. Or San Francisco. Or Palo Alto. Or Boston. With the express purpose of building something.
This is a noble cause. There is nothing more professionally satisfying as building something. Something you love. Something you can “get behind.”
But...
There was this girl. This guy.
Eh, fuck it. You’re busy. You have more important things to do. Changing the world is a full-time job and if you don’t do it now, when will you?
Here’s the thing: I know you. You’re probably one of the many people I’ve mentored or hired. On multiple occasions, you’ve explained to me (as if I were your batty old aunt, but I’m not taking it personally) that you have no time to get to know anyone because you’re busy doing your work.
This is a complete fallacy. Work and relationships are not incompatible. (Ask Mark Zuckerberg.)
I’ll wager that there is something about big transient cities that distorts everyone’s sense of time. You become convinced that you have time for everything you find challenging, that your ultimate horizon is infinite. This is only the beginning for you.
But you don’t know how much time you have. And even if things go well for you, your time is finite. You can’t figure out your professional life now and your personal life later. (Unless you’re the rare thirteen-year-old entrepreneur, in which case, I might demur.)
And here is why: As with coding and management and matters of finance and marketing, relationships have a learning curve. You learn the basics of “relationshiptiva” (note to copyed: yes, I made up that word): How to deal with sexual etiquette, mundane everyday things, scheduling, and appropriate meetings with close friends, and some equitable plan for who’s supposed to pay for dinner or wash the dishesthis time. These are basics. And if you’re learning them in your thirties, it’s going to be much harder.
Because in a few years, however young you think yourself (how old is thirty, really?), you will be approaching midlife and you won’t be as adaptable as you once were. There are reasons for this, many of which are biological. Your body won’t respond the same way. You’ll have knee problems that didn’t exist when you were running sophomore track. You can’t stay out till 4:00 a.m. anymore, because now the same alcohol intake has somehow resulted in a hangover that’s a multiple of what it once was — and you will never ever have appreciated a nice soft pillow more. And if you think you can fend these things off with diet and exercise, you should probably buy a good solid book on the aging process or find a professional athlete over the age of thirty to talk to. They will speak of massage therapists and bone density and necessary nutritional supplements. You can mitigate these things, but you can’t entirely avoid them.
But that is not the point. The point is that thirty (or thirty-two, or thirty-five) is not the age when you want to be practicing serious relationships for the first time. Because learning how to develop a meaningful, sustainable relationship and keep it healthy takes some extended practice. You have to get beyond the basics — the sexual negotiations and the decisions about whose clothes go where and how to talk about exes. You have to figure out how to fight well, how to negotiate major value conflicts (if you can — some are impossible), and how to deal with the inevitabilities that come your way.
And those inevitabilities are myriad: At some point, you and your partner will go through a period of disillusionment when someone else turns your head or your partner’s. Maybe you have an affair, maybe you don’t. At some point, one of you will have significantly more career success than the other. This will become a point of tension. As will the disparity in income that usually accompanies it. At some point, you will disagree on how to raise your child and you will each wield the child as the ultimate weapon in a battle of wills. (I’m just doing what’s best forour child!) And at some point, one of you will have a major life issue that costs you everything or close (cancer, financial ruin, miscellaneous crisis), and the other person will have to decide to commit to or not.
It’s not a question of whether each of these things will happen; it’s a question of when. And if you do decide to spend a life with someone, you have to decide that you are willing to face all of these things and acknowledge that some of them could happen sooner than you expect.
Relationships are too important to learn how to face those issues at the last minute. You have to go through a few of them to know how to properly conduct one. You have to fail. You have to date a few terrible people. You have to be the asshole yourself sometimes. You have to learn how not to be the asshole. You have to spend tons of time together — so much time that sometimes you feel indistinguishable from each other and you find that both reassuring and disturbing. You have to have a vicious fight and know it’s not ending you and that you’re going to have to work to repair it and that the effort is worthwhile. These things take time.
I’m not suggesting, mind you, that you settle down in your twenties. I don’t envision you in a ranch home in the suburbs at twenty-six, feeding your toddlers Cheerios and pureed organic carrots and carting them to and from soccer practice in the family [Missouri: Suburban; SoCal: Prius].
I’m just saying that it’s worth it to look at your romantic relationships nakedly. (Metaphorically, not literally. Unless that’s your thing — in which case, contemplate in the nude as much as you want.) Work at a relationship the way you work at your work. Spend the time. Make the effort.
You need the practice. You need to learn. Some of you can wait another ten or twenty years to do that. And some of you may be the rare bachelors and bachelorettes who have no intention of ever being in a serious committed relationship ever. But not most of you, especially if you’re envisioning a spouse and kids sometime before you can start collecting social security. You need time — and lots of it.
And you need to remember that work is not everything. I met my fiancé at work, which is not a way that Detached Professional Me would ever advise anyone to go about meeting people. Under the circumstances, we had to decide fairly quickly whether we were willing to get fired. What was more important: the job or the relationship? We picked the latter. Fortunately, nobody got fired. But if I had been sent packing, I wouldn’t regret it. Jobs are replaceable. People you truly love are not.
I think it’s fair to say — with no scientific evidence — that deathbed wishes rarely include, “If only I had put another twenty hours a week in at the office! That slightly cleaner product release would have made all the difference.” But that guy, that girl? You might regret that.
***
Good read! After all, our cosmic lesson in love tends to become more costly at we aged (and we think inflation applies only to economics).
For original text, you can access it from here
Monday, August 12, 2013
Broken Woman and her Destiny (Part 2)
And thus, people believe that they are bounded by their destiny. The hideous past coming to haunt them, only to 'coerce' them to make a choice that set precedence for their future to be haunted by their present choice.
Before you know it, it has become a vicious cycle.
A destiny is forged.
Somehow, the woman in such a predicament failed to perceived the truth nature of her destiny; that destiny is in fact a summation and collection of all the choices she has made this lifetime. Till the day her life ends, the illusion of a ill-fated destiny creates a mechanism of being reasonable to be angry at life. Acceptance is rejected because she would believe that the destiny is 'created' by someone else.
Someone else... something out there... other than her...is responsible for her destiny. Hence, how can she accept something that is 'given' by someone?
She gave the abnegate the power of her choice and give up changing her destiny. She became a slave to her past.
With that thinking, her fate is really sealed. (To be continued...)
Before you know it, it has become a vicious cycle.
A destiny is forged.
Somehow, the woman in such a predicament failed to perceived the truth nature of her destiny; that destiny is in fact a summation and collection of all the choices she has made this lifetime. Till the day her life ends, the illusion of a ill-fated destiny creates a mechanism of being reasonable to be angry at life. Acceptance is rejected because she would believe that the destiny is 'created' by someone else.
Someone else... something out there... other than her...is responsible for her destiny. Hence, how can she accept something that is 'given' by someone?
With that thinking, her fate is really sealed. (To be continued...)
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Social Work is Chaos
Like a rejected child, the tenet of social work forms a confusing discipline that draws from all but belongs solely to neither medical, legal, psychological, philosophical, economical, educational, political, anthropological or sociological. Professionalism is therefore a problem because there has never been a discipline so confused and chaotic as social work. Social work is like a child wondering who your real parents were; trying to find its identity in the world of clear segregation and functions. Social work is important? Somewhat. Social work is scientific? Somewhat. Social work is an art? Somewhat.
The truth of the matter is that social work is chaotic and chaos is uncomfortable for the scientific-precise folks who demands evidence-based practice and KPI to produce an effective outcome. The notion of effective outcome is not the problem; the question would be what is an effective outcome to even decide what it is to be effective? Is the desired outcome for every individual case objective enough for a logical apple-to-apple comparison?
For example, if I have 10 same questions worth 10 marks each given to 40 students in a class - comparison is effortless. You can multiply the number of students in the class by tenfold and comparison is still effortless - since the test is upon 100 marks. Statistically speaking, you can churn out all the different reports and permutation easily with SPSS. However, it is not so clear-cut when you give one student two questions worth 10 marks each, another with six questions worth 3 marks each and the last with four question worth 7 marks each. How are you going to do your comparison in a meaningful way?
Precisely, the chaos in social work cases is such that every case is-same-yet-different. I could have ten clinically depressed cases; yes, they are the same (clinically depressed via psychometric test), but each would have different content, story, history, processes and outcome. Medically, we all know that all you need is more than two weeks of continued sadness that affects some level of normal functioning - tata! You have it - clinical depression. Logically, we all know that the problem lies with the fact (and reality) that the variation of issues are just too many. Surely, a researcher could try to control the variables; you can find depressed clients due to spouse having EMA. But surely a client in his/her first marriage experiencing EMA would be different from one that is experiencing EMA in his/her third marriage. Or a client experiencing EMA with no significant adverse parental experience verses another one with family history of divorce due to EMA. And the list goes on.
The social work game is just way too complex for a positivist paradigm. Therefore, a randomized trial test in a laboratory sense is difficult when you apply them to social science wholesale.
Therefore, there are more values when social work align itself with social epidemiological paradigm - that truth is relative, relational and contextual.
If my above claims is true, therefore social work is chaotic.
And if my fellow social workers are uncomfortable with chaos, then you are in the wrong profession. 'Orderly Singapore' is not what you would expect in this field because you will never find two cases that are truly alike. You must be able to comprehend various body of knowledge and critically examined them all with an appraising eye. And like a skillful artist, reassemble them in a meaningful fashion for purposeful intervention. One must connect theory with practice and practice with theory - this is therefore professionalism. Not one that is marked by virtue of discipline, but by the marriage of higher wisdom and humble ground work.
Enjoy chaos.
P.S: Courtesy from Eleen. :)
Friday, August 02, 2013
Aunt Agony 020813
Originally posted by redname:
i just got attached recently
althou there's the sweetness of a new found relationship but there's also the bitterness of reality
we've been talking abt life and we find tht we have so much differences.
yesterday we had a phone call and I've been thinking abt what was mentioned over the phone.
1. she being the only child, had things easy for her.
althou her family's not rich but she's the kind tht will spend a bit more once in a while for a better lifestyle (eg. branded stuff, go europe etc..) but for me, I'll keep it simple cause I do not wanna compromise my lifestyle just because i need to spend a bit more on some stuff. eg, i dnt wanna get a car cause tht will eat in a lot to my funds and i have to adjust my lifestyle just because of a piece of metal.
2. she says she's driven in work and tht she's disappointed that i'm relac one corner but the truth is tht i just dnt wanna stress myself.
In addition, she's looking for a family man, someone who will love and place his family as 1st priority in life but the truth is tht being driven and having a family man doesn't go hand in hand.
-----------
I just feel that she seems to wanna put me in this mold/idea she has for a man she wants and not wanting to take me for who i am.
i really hate this feeling cause i always believe tht if u wanna love someone, u love him/her for his good and bad and not to only want his/her good and dnt want his/her bad
I'll highlight this to her the next time we talk abt this and tell her either she take me for who i am or dnt take me at all
PS: she's my 1st gf (althou i'm over 30 already) and I know it'll break my heart more than it breaks her's
The reactive self is often triggered when one is being challenged by the presence of a relationship to change ourselves.
It is pretty much an illusion if one expects the existence of a new relationship to fit very well into the life of an individual. Most of the time, some degree of adjustments and negotiations have to take place. After all, living in your own skin for a good thirty odd years as a singleton and literally sharing a sofa with a 'stranger' inside your inner state of comfort zone is surely a new experience. I believe this is not something that you could easily adjust immediately and would require some effort on your part to accept.
If your above mentioned values were to be the foremost qualities that you seek in a partner, then in the first place this relationship wouldn't have manifested. Hence, something 'stronger' is likely to be pulling you; which is a sense of emotional connectedness or what I would term as a Love and Belonging need being satisfied.
Definitions of things may differ; but that does not automatically mean it is a gone deal. Talking about each definition of value and what it means to both of you would help to clarify each other's belief. With each then putting forth a position of whether you could agree to disagree, yet willing to do something to bring each other's position harmoniously closer for the relationship is critical.
Sticking to your gun works well with individual's identity, but are generally bad for well-being of relationship. While I am not saying that good relationship demands weak-willed individuals; it depends largely on your choice and the battle you pick to fight. More often than not, good communication does help to lessen several possible bloodshed that could have been minimized or avoided.
You choose your relationship - not the other way round; therefore, you decide how much you want to put into the relationship before you raise the white flag. You can logically decide that she is not the one given the 'problems' listed. Just remember that for every problem we avoid facing, we are pretty much missing on the opportunity for self growth.
One for one.
Cheers
i just got attached recently
althou there's the sweetness of a new found relationship but there's also the bitterness of reality
we've been talking abt life and we find tht we have so much differences.
yesterday we had a phone call and I've been thinking abt what was mentioned over the phone.
1. she being the only child, had things easy for her.
althou her family's not rich but she's the kind tht will spend a bit more once in a while for a better lifestyle (eg. branded stuff, go europe etc..) but for me, I'll keep it simple cause I do not wanna compromise my lifestyle just because i need to spend a bit more on some stuff. eg, i dnt wanna get a car cause tht will eat in a lot to my funds and i have to adjust my lifestyle just because of a piece of metal.
2. she says she's driven in work and tht she's disappointed that i'm relac one corner but the truth is tht i just dnt wanna stress myself.
In addition, she's looking for a family man, someone who will love and place his family as 1st priority in life but the truth is tht being driven and having a family man doesn't go hand in hand.
-----------
I just feel that she seems to wanna put me in this mold/idea she has for a man she wants and not wanting to take me for who i am.
i really hate this feeling cause i always believe tht if u wanna love someone, u love him/her for his good and bad and not to only want his/her good and dnt want his/her bad
I'll highlight this to her the next time we talk abt this and tell her either she take me for who i am or dnt take me at all
PS: she's my 1st gf (althou i'm over 30 already) and I know it'll break my heart more than it breaks her's
The reactive self is often triggered when one is being challenged by the presence of a relationship to change ourselves.
It is pretty much an illusion if one expects the existence of a new relationship to fit very well into the life of an individual. Most of the time, some degree of adjustments and negotiations have to take place. After all, living in your own skin for a good thirty odd years as a singleton and literally sharing a sofa with a 'stranger' inside your inner state of comfort zone is surely a new experience. I believe this is not something that you could easily adjust immediately and would require some effort on your part to accept.
If your above mentioned values were to be the foremost qualities that you seek in a partner, then in the first place this relationship wouldn't have manifested. Hence, something 'stronger' is likely to be pulling you; which is a sense of emotional connectedness or what I would term as a Love and Belonging need being satisfied.
Definitions of things may differ; but that does not automatically mean it is a gone deal. Talking about each definition of value and what it means to both of you would help to clarify each other's belief. With each then putting forth a position of whether you could agree to disagree, yet willing to do something to bring each other's position harmoniously closer for the relationship is critical.
Sticking to your gun works well with individual's identity, but are generally bad for well-being of relationship. While I am not saying that good relationship demands weak-willed individuals; it depends largely on your choice and the battle you pick to fight. More often than not, good communication does help to lessen several possible bloodshed that could have been minimized or avoided.
You choose your relationship - not the other way round; therefore, you decide how much you want to put into the relationship before you raise the white flag. You can logically decide that she is not the one given the 'problems' listed. Just remember that for every problem we avoid facing, we are pretty much missing on the opportunity for self growth.
One for one.
Cheers
Monday, July 29, 2013
Broken Woman and her Destiny (Part 1)
Apologies for the inactive posting; my forum has been rather quite dead these days and my personal schedule has been rather packed. Told myself that I shall at least post today.
You see, I am already dealing with a lot of emotions and problems during the course of my offline work. Sometimes, it creates an inverse relationship with my blogging life. Basically what I mean is that the more intensive my offline work becomes, the less I am inclined to blog.
Self care is something critical to keep my mind sane. I can't be dealing with problems 24/7 and I do have quite a busy personal life.
***
Today's topic is about love and choices - which I deemed this as the foremost principle in love (in CloUdism of course). It is almost like I have engraved it my own words in some gold plated plaque, constantly being reminded by this principle regardless of how my own book of love has evolved over the years.
Love is involuntary; relationship is voluntary. Therefore, it is we who chose our partners, not the other way round.
I came across a severely broken woman, who has made a couple of 'unwise' choices as perceived by her own peers and bystanders. The process to pick herself up is tremendously encumbering; each attempt being marred by another bout of unwise choice and resulting in a downward spiral to bleak hell.
The profile of this lady is a classic one; one that blames her destiny and the men she met. It is always the men around her and that she has played the cast and recite the script of a sorry love life for ages. Each recitation reaffirmed the fact that her destiny is at such pitiful stage and that she proceeds with her love life almost like a chance gamble - never stopping for a quiet introspection to decide if her journey in her love life is heeding towards an accident.
It is unfortunate that her love and belonging need is way too intensive till the point that she fulfills them in an ineffective way; the inability to manage her fear of loneliness, reinforced over and over again by tons and tons of bad childhood experience. That having someone 'lousy' is still better than having 'nobody'.
Thus, the choice is a logical one. Keep the bad ass then.
Because they have been taught that they are unloving and that they deserved only such caliber of partner/s.
(To be continued)
You see, I am already dealing with a lot of emotions and problems during the course of my offline work. Sometimes, it creates an inverse relationship with my blogging life. Basically what I mean is that the more intensive my offline work becomes, the less I am inclined to blog.
Self care is something critical to keep my mind sane. I can't be dealing with problems 24/7 and I do have quite a busy personal life.
***
Today's topic is about love and choices - which I deemed this as the foremost principle in love (in CloUdism of course). It is almost like I have engraved it my own words in some gold plated plaque, constantly being reminded by this principle regardless of how my own book of love has evolved over the years.
Love is involuntary; relationship is voluntary. Therefore, it is we who chose our partners, not the other way round.
I came across a severely broken woman, who has made a couple of 'unwise' choices as perceived by her own peers and bystanders. The process to pick herself up is tremendously encumbering; each attempt being marred by another bout of unwise choice and resulting in a downward spiral to bleak hell.
The profile of this lady is a classic one; one that blames her destiny and the men she met. It is always the men around her and that she has played the cast and recite the script of a sorry love life for ages. Each recitation reaffirmed the fact that her destiny is at such pitiful stage and that she proceeds with her love life almost like a chance gamble - never stopping for a quiet introspection to decide if her journey in her love life is heeding towards an accident.
It is unfortunate that her love and belonging need is way too intensive till the point that she fulfills them in an ineffective way; the inability to manage her fear of loneliness, reinforced over and over again by tons and tons of bad childhood experience. That having someone 'lousy' is still better than having 'nobody'.
Thus, the choice is a logical one. Keep the bad ass then.
Because they have been taught that they are unloving and that they deserved only such caliber of partner/s.
(To be continued)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Aunt Agony 280613
Originally posted by Detached:
Ok the joke’s on me..
We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status.
Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.
She agreed and we became an item.
It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high.
And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally.
It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea..
I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.
Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?
Adopting a stance that you cannot upkeep will only serve to burst into a flame of nothingness somewhere down the line. You started off with the flirting and causal dating, which might gave her the impression that you are easy-going, confident and non-possessive. She probably realized that the price she is going to pay to remain in this relationship isn't worth the value in exchange - getting out is probably an easier option.
Being colleagues certainly complicate the matter a little, especially when you have to work with her. It is hard to draw boundary - between professional and personal - and fighting on (in your definition) might end up a HR issue.
Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones) that partner do not love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them openly.
You might be able to accept things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.
Perhaps seeing this woman as a catalysis to awake your motivation for self improvements could spur inner change. After all, when we fail to change our environment, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Cheers
Ok the joke’s on me..
We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status.
Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.
She agreed and we became an item.
It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high.
And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally.
It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea..
I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.
Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?
Adopting a stance that you cannot upkeep will only serve to burst into a flame of nothingness somewhere down the line. You started off with the flirting and causal dating, which might gave her the impression that you are easy-going, confident and non-possessive. She probably realized that the price she is going to pay to remain in this relationship isn't worth the value in exchange - getting out is probably an easier option.
Being colleagues certainly complicate the matter a little, especially when you have to work with her. It is hard to draw boundary - between professional and personal - and fighting on (in your definition) might end up a HR issue.
Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones) that partner do not love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them openly.
You might be able to accept things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.
Perhaps seeing this woman as a catalysis to awake your motivation for self improvements could spur inner change. After all, when we fail to change our environment, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Cheers
Monday, June 17, 2013
There
"There" seeks to elucidate an episode of how/what a person thinks, at the beginning of a relationship, in Singapore.
We often describe this moment as the sweetest. During this period, when the relationship is about to begin, all they wanted was to know more about each other. It is the moment of exploration and aspiration for both the individuals.
This short film allows you to see what unveils in the mind of our character and what appears in his or her thought, just when the moment is about to begin and wanting to be There.
***
A short film done by my hommies; you can check out their FB page (wemerrygoround) @ here
:)
Aunt Agony 170613
Originally posted by Authenticity86:
i had a 2 years plus gf and we just broke up recently. we were that close to getting married and my last attempt to make her stay was to propose to her but i failed. this break up feels like a divorce. we still love each other but we have to get over our r/s. im still in a state of denial that she left and i dont wanna get over her. i need help
Getting married isn't the problem - the relationship is. The relationship does seem pretty fragile if you have to attempt a proposal of that nature, so as to keep the relationship going - almost like an empty shell decorated with shiny gemstones.
A broken relationship does not mean a broken man - even if the relationship has to go, make sure you figure out the meaning behind your lost as an alternative to being in state of denial.
Cheers
i had a 2 years plus gf and we just broke up recently. we were that close to getting married and my last attempt to make her stay was to propose to her but i failed. this break up feels like a divorce. we still love each other but we have to get over our r/s. im still in a state of denial that she left and i dont wanna get over her. i need help
Getting married isn't the problem - the relationship is. The relationship does seem pretty fragile if you have to attempt a proposal of that nature, so as to keep the relationship going - almost like an empty shell decorated with shiny gemstones.
A broken relationship does not mean a broken man - even if the relationship has to go, make sure you figure out the meaning behind your lost as an alternative to being in state of denial.
Cheers
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Aunt Agony 020613
Originally posted by defiante:
My husband and I got married only after 1 yr of dating. I feel the decision to get married n to have a kid immediately is a wrong start. We r now into 6th yr of marriage n have 2 kids. We actually dont know each other well.
Lately he is bk to his gaming. As a result, once bk fr work, he is always on his hp or laptop. I feel so lonely. Everyday he plays till 2am n sat he plays till 4am. As a result, I dont get to talk to him much. In fact I feel sian to talk to him cos he will forget anything we talk about. He gets headache v often. So will sleep n I hav to take care if the kids. I m quite sickly myself. After working so long hrs, I also want to play, watch tv. At most I can only do all these for about 30min. Its ok to b so busy but at least he shd help more. How I wish he can b my support. He cant stand anyone crying. So I always cry in the toilet. Yesterday I cried in front of my kids.
I m v tired n lonely. To b fair, he does washing milk bottles daily. N sweep floor once or twice a week. But our place is v dusty n I have sensitive nose so sometimes I cannot wait n will sweep the floor myself. Cupboard also dusty n need to wipe. All of these he dont do n refuse to hire maid n part time helper.
I feel v tired n v unhappy. I know there are many women out there who r worse than me. But I want to know am I childish to want him to spend time with me ? Am I wrong to ask him to sleep when he is playing games till 4am? Is it acceptable for him to scold him cos I ask him to stop playing at 4am? Is it selfish for me to want him to settle housework first like sweep floor before playing? Is it acceptable for him to say that this is a fucked up family?
Am I creatng trouble? That's what he says.
Based on research, on a general level; martial satisfaction tends to dip upon the existence of the couple's first child. It's not rocket science though; with dual income situation and parenthood being an entirely new experience - stress is pretty much the same outcome for most modern Singaporean family. The only difference is that all couples manage this stress differently. Relationships that have superior resilience are often those that spent conscious amount of effort to communicate, negotiate, compromise and empathize during courtship and beyond (some are fortunate to start during marriage and before the relationship totally died on them).
However, because we have not been parents before this phase, our 'methods' of dealing with parenthood are often 'inherited' from what we experienced from our caregivers during our early childhood. Therefore, if your husband's father has limited involvement in his life when he was a child, unless he is an enlightened soul, the probability of him reiterating this social learning is high. It might be worst if his family background is the traditional makeup of housewife mother and sole income father. Though our society has evolved, but our attitude towards family development might not have caught up.
Your love and belonging needs are of great importance to you; you badly want to connect with your husband emotionally so as to justify the reasons for all task related child-rearing roles you have submerged yourself in. Having quality time is simply one way you could feel connected. Hence, I do not see it as 'creating trouble' much more than you having an unsatisfying relationship.
He does seem to exhibit signs of avoidance; he may sense that you are overwhelmed, but may not know the impact of this stress on you. Playing games appears to be a coping mechanism for him and since you don't share the same mechanism as him; crying is your coping stance.
I am not sure; how negotiable is he as a husband? Surely, some structural agreements are required before things escalate out of control.
I) Individual Needs
How can he balance the need for gaming verses the need for household responsibility? Also, how can you balance your need for your husband's affection and your children's need? Surely, he could go play his game if he has swept the floor (if that was your prior agreement) or you could spent one weekend getaway once every two passing months. Whatever the mutual agreement, it HAS to be (i) sustainable - something you can possibly do in long term, (ii) realistic - something that can be done realistically, (iii) accepted - something that must be accepted mutually and agreed.
II) Conflict Management
Suppression of feelings does not solve problems, but only seek to avoid issues. If he is uncomfortable with tears, then since it is not something that you can do it alone, he would need to know what requires him on his part to help you with. Surely, he cannot control your choice to cry (no matter how unconscious it may be), but certainty you know what would help you to feel supported and this needs has to be communicated.
P.S: Seemed to me that he appears to hold stronger power in this relationship. If you need support, you would have to start negotiating and communicating - if it does not come naturally, then learn to take control of your relationship.
Friday, May 24, 2013
How do you negotiate with your other half?
Watch how couples negotiate so as to win a pair of tickets to London. It's kind of a cool concept, but not as easy as one would reckon.
Watch it!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Aunt Agony 120513
Originally posted by Jango:
This topic is about my feelings and thoughts on two person,X and Y.Let me bring you through.
I met this lady,X,during one of the events held in school.We started off quite formal and simple while working together.But as time passes by,the formality wore off and began to took and interest in her.She's cute,bubbly and most importantly,kind and caring.Although I can't say why she's more vulgar than me at times but there's a sense of innocence in her that lead me to admire her characteristics more.She's very thoughtful of other people and can be quite blur.
Then after that event,probably the whole school(through rumours) knew that X was currently dating someone else.I felt sad,but there's nothing to do...we can't force someone to like you,that's morally wrong.Being me,I've decided to move on from this spark and carry on with the daily live without spending much thought about her.There's probably some regret in me for not taking the first step,but ya,time wait's for no men.X to me back then,was just a friend.
Few months past and I'd developed a liking for Y,another lady who is much more independent,more stunning in looks(not the main point though),smart and many other good traits I can think of.This is someone that I'd yearned of in my life,the partner that I've always wanted.She knows that I'm somehow interested in her,though we are kind of like strangers.And the most shocking thing,X and Y are best friends.
I'd soon turned back to X(as a friend) as she'd just broken up with her dating partner(don't think they got together but they broke off due to some reasons I'm unclear of).X then talk me through how she has been after the break up and I comforted her with my texts,caring for her like I always do for those friends close to me.(How people talked about her etc etc)We both shared a lot of stuff and I'd even told her about Y.
Then,she told me that Y has a liking for someone else...I'm a bit depressed but not so emotional to the point that I could cry as after all,Y is just another lady.My heart became dull.
Right now,I'm trying to figure out who do I like,X or Y.
X recently got angry with me because I might have been rude to her in messaging.(I do make mistakes)She ignored me for this few days...
But I feel that I want our friendship to be alive,instead of being enemies.Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm not used to us being not close together again...
I wanna get a partner,Y is the ideal one and X is someone that I've never expected...
Any advice to share?
I will appreciate and be thoughtful of all suggestions and criticisms given to me.
Thanks.:)
You know what you want for a partner - that's highly personalized and relative. Your ideal partner probably fits this picture in your quality world, but on the reverse, others may not have the same picture of you in their quality world. (Anyway, many people would appear to be ideal... until the day they somehow get together).
My sense is that the reason why you hold reservation towards pursing either one of these ladies is likely due to your fear of rejection. Somehow, it seemed to me that though you are 'picking the cherries' to decide who should you be with, but when your targets have shown interest elsewhere, you hastily back off and rationalize with yourself that this is 'morally wrong' - so let's move on.
Let me clarify something: the desire to move on isn't wrong; it is the logic behind the usage of these quotes, masked as reasons, that are fundamentally flawed.
There is nothing fundamentally or morally wrong with liking someone. In fact, it is almost an involuntary urge or response that one has little control over. Hence, when you claimed that you can't force anyone to like you - that's essentially correct. But it is puzzling on how you could claim this premise to be true for your situation when you haven't even started doing anything for her to even response to you in a manner where the statement is applicably true (e.g. like she has rejected you and shared that you and her are impossible).
It is akin to entering a restaurant and expressing that you are not dining here because it probably looks expensive. My point is that you haven't even ask/check about the price to make any informed decision. Hence, your behavior is probably a result of intra-personal issues that you have problems to deal with (e.g insecurity, fear of rejection, etc) and not likely because of the reasons you have stated in your post.
***
I find your question puzzling: who should you choose: X or Y?
Unless you are saying that these two girls fancy you and you have a reasonable chance of entering into a relationship with either one of them - if not, I don't see why you are implicated with the 'burden' of choice.
What you are probably asking is who you should consider chasing. However, if this question even pops out the way it does (and would sound a little absurd) - then the likely answer is none.
I will give you an analogy: if I go to the market and buy a fish, I would choose based on its freshness and price. Then I will proceed to cook and eat it. There is no need for me to get feedback or response from the fish. There is no requirement to build rapport and develop relationship with it. It simply fulfill my survival need. I do not need to consider fulfilling the fish's needs as any attempt to fulfill the latter would automatically make me sound absolutely absurd. Likewise, love isn't going to a market place to buy fish, cook and eat it - you kind of need to get feedback, response, develop rapport and relationship and on later stage, fulfill certain mutual needs.
It is not a linear relationship.
In addition, there are no immediate backup plans in genuine love. Such intricate systems to formulate backup plans are purely psychological mechanism to deal with our own deeper issues (fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, delusion, fantasy, etc).
Perhaps you are probably more in love with the notion of having a relationship, than being in love with the figure that you mentioned. You might want to figure out if this is something you want to resolve within.
Cheers
Friday, May 10, 2013
Aunt Agony II 100513 (Continued from AA 110413)
Originally posted by Wtongzl78:
I've had a talk with her early last week after her she came back from Phuket with him. I told her I have become uncomfortable that she has spent more and more time with him and that she has gone for more and more overseas trips with him. I also told her that people have started to talk.
But she became upset that I brought up this matter and insisted that there is nothing between her and him and that I should not interfere too much into her life and choice of her good friend and travel companion. She bacame angry and stormed off and refused to talk to me for the next few days.
She resumed talking to me again last Thursday but i can sense that she is still not happy. But at least she has started talking to me again and i hope she got the message even though in the process i have upset her.
But tomorrow she's going overseas with him again. He will be on working trip to Hong Kong and she will just tag along as accomodation has been paid for by his company. They will be in Hong Kong till Sunday. This is not the first time she tag along with him for his working trips overseas. She has done so many times over the years and each trip they would extend the stay for 1-2 days more on top of the official days paid by his company. He has also tagged along on her overseas working trips many times.
Maybe it's partly my fault to let her have so much freedom in the first place. She has have freedom even before we got married. I was okay with it as I trusted her. 2 years ago she went backpack with him to Europe and US for 3 months, I wasn't entirely happy but still could accept it. Friends and relatives started to talk from then on but I just ignored. Perhsps she has taken things for granted and forgot about my feeling.
She came back from Hong Kong last night and was in a very good mood. Bought me and the kids lots of stuff. I didn't want to tslk about this matter last night coz I don't want to spoil the occasion with argument.
When we communicate in relationship, we often opt for the 'safer' systemic way of getting our message across in an indirect fashion. We expressed that 'people are talking about it' or that we are just 'uncomfortable'. But when we unmask the packaging, the truth of the matter is that you abhor the thought of how this situation has developed to such an uncontrolled manner.
Her right to travelling companions or good friends is something that you have no control over? Quite different from your original concept of you 'allowing' this to happen, isn't it? A more troubled thought might actually be the fact that you are also afraid of what is coming - when we fail to clear up dust in the room for too long a period, sometimes, we are also fearful of what we might actually find. Dead cockroach? Spider and its well-spun web? Or simply just dust needing to be cleaned?
If you are trying to find (or hopefully trying not to uncover) evidence of her possible infidelity, then naturally your sense would be to detect anomaly in her statement, choice and behavior. My guess is that you will eventually find something of varying degree if your focus is as such. Well, if I don't clear my room for too long, it is only natural to encounter at least a dust mite, if I decide to look deep enough.
However, what you fear you might find or what you think you would find should not be the main considerations of what you ought to do. Namely, even if I may fear dead roaches lying somewhere in my cupboard, it shouldn't fetter me from spring cleaning because the fact of the matter is that if there is indeed a dead roach in my cupboard, nothing I can do now will change this very fact that the cockroach is dead right there.
I can only decide what I can do ONLY after I have decided upon my choice of spring cleaning. Who knows? Perhaps there are no dead roaches ultimately. Hence, what you gain is a peace of mind.
You made a good attempt at surfacing this issue to her; however, a bigger issue lies with (1) your insecurity & (2) the lack of power in the relationship. I hope you do realize that despite your attempt to start talking about this, she does not answer directly, but chose to exhibit a statement of power to coerce you into accepting her individuality.
[Quote: I should not interfere too much into her life and choice of her good friend and travel companion]
When I talk about insecurity, it does seem to me that you might have a coping mechanism through placating where you minimize or downplay your needs in view of harmony. Hence, the cosmic lesson for you in your marriage is to decide between avoiding (for social harmony) and confronting (for self expression). The latter probably put you in state of discomfort - you might want to find a way to communicate your needs and set a mutually agreed boundary.
Cheers
Aunt Agony 100513 (Continued from AA 160413)
Originally posted by soccer123
Yunhaier, thank you for your reply. Your reply is very insightful and thought-provoking.
It has been exactly one month since this mis-step happened. and one month later, i guess it is all over, hopefully.
1) Guilt
Yes, this past month had alot of happy moments with S, but there are also lots of guilt and heavy baggage that came with it. The state of having 2 girls at 1 time is very unbearable. On the one hand, the intense sense of guilt that keep oozing out from my heart. On the other, the constant worry that i / we would be found out, no matter wad we do, be it talking in office, walking on the streets, etc. THis feeling is unsustainable and at times, driving me crazy. recently, i am watching a taiwanese drama about marriage and 3rd parties. can totally relate to the feelings portrayed in the drama. Even the progression phases are the same. From sweet innocent Ai4 mei4, to managing both parties, to unbearable feelings to breakdowns. Its as though i am living the drama.
2) 'Twisted courage to get out of her relationship'
U are right, but not totally on this. It is very true that S is unhappy in this relationship w her bf. But she kept emphasising that there is no turning back for her. The passion or liking she has for me might or might not give her a fleeting moment of courage to leave her bf. But 2 things held true, and probably still will: if she will indeed leave, it will not b me as the reason (at the very least, i cannot be directly involved); and she knew she cannot do this.
3) about her impending marriage as an output..
Again, i feel u r right. But i can only hope that she and her bf will end up better in time to come. she said to me before, she will be happy. she can make things better and things will be back to normal and she can focus on her bf. Will that make her happy? It's no longer about me anymore.
4) about my gf.
I am very relieved that there are still alot of spark between us. at least over long distance calls and video chats. Some recent events woke me up and i realised that its my gf whom i really want to be with. i took more initiative to video call her, to tell her how much i miss her (i really do, even more so after these events), even if once in a while i may have a split thought on whether i miss my gf so much is because i feel lonely that S is 'gone' or not. I would like to think its not, it's more of i really want to cherish my gf. A fundamental question, will think about this when things are more cooled down.
5) Some recent event..
Some recent event changed the entire face of this relationship between S and me. i would prefer not to go into details, but in summary, it went smth like this:
S's bf got very suspicious about S and me and he did some drastic measures. S and me got very worried at certain points, worried that her bf might jeopardise everything and tell whatever he knew / thought to everyone. It is a truth that S and me have betrayed our respective partners emotionally and physically. But it is really not true that we will snatch each other away from our partners. We both agree that we cannot be each other's reason for leaving our partners should the day comes. and S also said she will see through her marriage. So if her bf manages to find something, he would find the truth (about the liking part) and might link it to thinking that i am around to snatch S away from him. (which is not true). But come to think of it, wadever its true or not, doesn't matter anymore. I have sinned, and that's a fact.
So we got very worried, and in particular, me. Because i did not want to jeopardise everything and hearing S's bf's threats, about wanting to go to my gf, family and friends and tell her about me, made me very uneasy. Maybe its my cowardice, or maybe its the moment that made me think why i was in such a situation. I had to protect the people around me and not let them come to hurt. (maybe some of u may feel instead that i am protecting myself, but i really did not want anybody to be hurt, including S and her bf).
So i decided, and made up my choice.
S was very, very disappointed and upset and she has since returned to her bf, even though her bf did something very very drastic which disgusted her and she said she would give him one last chance. S is avoiding me now.
THis is what had panned out. One of my friend told me that it is considered a better ending already. still, a tinge of sadness remains, seeing how S got so upset and resigned herself to the decision she made before. i still have feelings for S, but i know i cannot have hers. If i have both, my sufferings will only be more and prolonged. But for S, i don't know when i will be able to get over her.
In love, there are two classic dimensions which are often in state of conflicts or confusion: one ruled by reasons and the other governed by emotions. Hence, it is rather a common pattern for one to 'say one thing and feel another'. I will quote your own personal experience: similarly, you have decided to do what is the 'best' for your situation - essentially the lesser of the two evils - but that does not mean that you remain unscathed from the choice you made.
Why would I say this?
If reason had the stronger hold on her, then it makes no sense for her to feel 'disappointed or upset' - since this choice is rationally efficient (having her needs fulfilled before she pays the full cost of infidelity) and it is supposedly the outcome that both of you have expected and anticipated. Obviously, the presence of disappointment would naturally mean that there must be an unspoken expectation on her part, likely to be hidden deeper in her psyche, away from prying eyes.
Hence, I would still maintain the point that she is waiting for 'someone' to rescue her from the pits of hell.
Her unfortunate revelation is that eventually she figured that you are not the armored knight she is hoping you would evolve to be - descending into the pits to face the demons. Facing the morality of your own fears and actions, she has nothing other than full acceptance in the brute reality of your incontestable choice: simply described as insufficient amount of love for you to do anything beyond this point for the relationship.
There is nothing to be ignominious about; it's just a matter of the kind of cosmic lessons desired to be taught by love through the presence of this circumstances. You figured out what you want to do and how this episode has revealed about your relationship with yourself and your gf. Great.
In time to come, she would also figure out something critical, relative to her experience.
The last chance she is giving him appears more like a last chance she is giving herself. The point is that without catalysis, the likelihood of her bf remaining the way he is stands high. Hence, whatever feeble chance she has decided to give without communication and negotiation of needs will likely to fail.
But that's not for you to manage.
Unless you have decided to unsheathe your sword and plunge into hell gloriously.
And that's probably another topic for another day.
Cheers
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Skeletons discovered holding hands in coffin together
You can read the actual article here
***
Archaeologists excavating the inner courtyard of a former Dominican monastery may have discovered a Romanian Romeo and Juliet after unearthing the bodies of a young couple who were buried holding hands.
Experts from the Cluj-Napoca Institute of Archaeology and History of Art are working on what they believe is the former cemetery of the monastery have already uncovered several bodies
But discovering the couple holding hands was a surprise as double burials were extremely rare in that period.
Main researcher Adrian Rusu said: 'It is a mystery - and rare for such burials at that time.
We can see that the man had suffered a severe injury that left him with a broken hip from which he probably died. We believe the injury was caused after he was hit by something very blunt and hard.'
Because of the fact that the young woman obviously died at the same time and was presumably healthy we are speculating that she possibly died of a broken heart at the loss of her partner.
Mr Rusu explained that becuase suicide was regarded as a sin in the Medieval Ages it is unlikely she killed herself - and if she had they would not have been buried together like the were in a holy place.
'They were obviously buried together as a tribute to the love they had for each other,' he said.
He estimated that the two bodies were buried somewhere between 1450-1550.
The body of a child was also found in the grave in Cluj-Napoca although this may not have been linked to the pair.
The lower leg bones of a fourth skeleton were also found in the burial plot.
Cheers
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