Aunt Agony 100513 (Continued from AA 160413)

Originally posted by soccer123

Yunhaier, thank you for your reply. Your reply is very insightful and thought-provoking.

It has been exactly one month since this mis-step happened. and one month later, i guess it is all over, hopefully.

1) Guilt

Yes, this past month had alot of happy moments with S, but there are also lots of guilt and heavy baggage that came with it. The state of having 2 girls at 1 time is very unbearable. On the one hand, the intense sense of guilt that keep oozing out from my heart. On the other, the constant worry that i / we would be found out, no matter wad we do, be it talking in office, walking on the streets, etc. THis feeling is unsustainable and at times, driving me crazy. recently, i am watching a taiwanese drama about marriage and 3rd parties. can totally relate to the feelings portrayed in the drama. Even the progression phases are the same. From sweet innocent Ai4 mei4, to managing both parties, to unbearable feelings to breakdowns. Its as though i am living the drama.

2) 'Twisted courage to get out of her relationship'

U are right, but not totally on this. It is very true that S is unhappy in this relationship w her bf. But she kept emphasising that there is no turning back for her. The passion or liking she has for me might or might not give her a fleeting moment of courage to leave her bf. But 2 things held true, and probably still will: if she will indeed leave, it will not b me as the reason (at the very least, i cannot be directly involved); and she knew she cannot do this.

3) about her impending marriage as an output.. 

Again, i feel u r right. But i can only hope that she and her bf will end up better in time to come. she said to me before, she will be happy. she can make things better and things will be back to normal and she can focus on her bf. Will that make her happy? It's no longer about me anymore.

4) about my gf.

I am very relieved that there are still alot of spark between us. at least over long distance calls and video chats. Some recent events woke me up and i realised that its my gf whom i really want to be with. i took more initiative to video call her, to tell her how much i miss her (i really do, even more so after these events), even if once in a while i may have a split thought on whether i miss my gf so much is because i feel lonely that S is 'gone' or not. I would like to think its not, it's more of i really want to cherish my gf. A fundamental question, will think about this when things are more cooled down.

5) Some recent event..

Some recent event changed the entire face of this relationship between S and me. i would prefer not to go into details, but in summary, it went smth like this:

S's bf got very suspicious about S and me and he did some drastic measures. S and me got very worried at certain points, worried that her bf might jeopardise everything and tell whatever he knew / thought to everyone. It is a truth that S and me have betrayed our respective partners emotionally and physically. But it is really not true that we will snatch each other away from our partners. We both agree that we cannot be each other's reason for leaving our partners should the day comes. and S also said she will see through her marriage. So if her bf manages to find something, he would find the truth (about the liking part) and might link it to thinking that i am around to snatch S away from him. (which is not true). But come to think of it, wadever its true or not, doesn't matter anymore. I have sinned, and that's a fact.

So we got very worried, and in particular, me. Because i did not want to jeopardise everything and hearing S's bf's threats, about wanting to go to my gf, family and friends and tell her about me, made me very uneasy. Maybe its my cowardice, or maybe its the moment that made me think why i was in such a situation. I had to protect the people around me and not let them come to hurt. (maybe some of u may feel instead that i am protecting myself, but i really did not want anybody to be hurt, including S and her bf).

So i decided, and made up my choice. 

S was very, very disappointed and upset and she has since returned to her bf, even though her bf did something very very drastic which disgusted her and she said she would give him one last chance. S is avoiding me now.

THis is what had panned out. One of my friend told me that it is considered a better ending already. still, a tinge of sadness remains, seeing how S got so upset and resigned herself to the decision she made before. i still have feelings for S, but i know i cannot have hers. If i have both, my sufferings will only be more and prolonged. But for S, i don't know when i will be able to get over her.







In love, there are two classic dimensions which are often in state of conflicts or confusion: one ruled by reasons and the other governed by emotions. Hence, it is rather a common pattern for one to 'say one thing and feel another'. I will quote your own personal experience: similarly, you have decided to do what is the 'best' for your situation - essentially the lesser of the two evils - but that does not mean that you remain unscathed from the choice you made.

Why would I say this?

If reason had the stronger hold on her, then it makes no sense for her to feel 'disappointed or upset' - since this choice is rationally efficient (having her needs fulfilled before she pays the full cost of infidelity) and it is supposedly the outcome that both of you have expected and anticipated. Obviously, the presence of disappointment would naturally mean that there must be an unspoken expectation on her part, likely to be hidden deeper in her psyche, away from prying eyes.

Hence, I would still maintain the point that she is waiting for 'someone' to rescue her from the pits of hell.

Her unfortunate revelation is that eventually she figured that you are not the armored knight she is hoping you would evolve to be - descending into the pits to face the demons. Facing the morality of your own fears and actions, she has nothing other than full acceptance in the brute reality of your incontestable choice: simply described as insufficient amount of love for you to do anything beyond this point for the relationship.

There is nothing to be ignominious about; it's just a matter of the kind of cosmic lessons desired to be taught by love through the presence of this circumstances. You figured out what you want to do and how this episode has revealed about your relationship with yourself and your gf. Great.

In time to come, she would also figure out something critical, relative to her experience.

The last chance she is giving him appears more like a last chance she is giving herself. The point is that without catalysis, the likelihood of her bf remaining the way he is stands high. Hence, whatever feeble chance she has decided to give without communication and negotiation of needs will likely to fail.

But that's not for you to manage.

Unless you have decided to unsheathe your sword and plunge into hell gloriously.

And that's probably another topic for another day.

Cheers