Aunt Agony 120513

Originally posted by Jango:

This topic is about my feelings and thoughts on two person,X and Y.Let me bring you through.

I met this lady,X,during one of the events held in school.We started off quite formal and simple while working together.But as time passes by,the formality wore off and began to took and interest in her.She's cute,bubbly and most importantly,kind and caring.Although I can't say why she's more vulgar than me at times but there's a sense of innocence in her that lead me to admire her characteristics more.She's very thoughtful of other people and can be quite blur.

Then after that event,probably the whole school(through rumours) knew that X was currently dating someone else.I felt sad,but there's nothing to do...we can't force someone to like you,that's morally wrong.Being me,I've decided to move on from this spark and carry on with the daily live without spending much thought about her.There's probably some regret in me for not taking the first step,but ya,time wait's for no men.X to me back then,was just a friend.

Few months past and I'd developed a liking for Y,another lady who is much more independent,more stunning in looks(not the main point though),smart and many other good traits I can think of.This is someone that I'd yearned of in my life,the partner that I've always wanted.She knows that I'm somehow interested in her,though we are kind of like strangers.And the most shocking thing,X and Y are best friends.

I'd soon turned back to X(as a friend)  as she'd just broken up with her dating partner(don't think they got together but they broke off due to some reasons I'm unclear of).X then talk me through how she has been after the break up and I comforted her with my texts,caring for her like I always do for those friends close to me.(How people talked about her etc etc)We both shared a lot of stuff and I'd even told her about Y.

Then,she told me that Y has a liking for someone else...I'm a bit depressed but not so emotional to the point that I could cry as after all,Y is just another lady.My heart became dull.

Right now,I'm trying to figure out who do I like,X or Y.

X recently got angry with me because I might have been rude to her in messaging.(I do make mistakes)She ignored me for this few days...

But I feel that I want our friendship to be alive,instead of being enemies.Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm not used to us being not close together again...

I wanna get a partner,Y is the ideal one and X is someone that I've never expected...

Any advice to share?

I will appreciate and be thoughtful of all suggestions and criticisms given to me.

Thanks.:)




You know what you want for a partner - that's highly personalized and relative. Your ideal partner probably fits this picture in your quality world, but on the reverse, others may not have the same picture of you in their quality world. (Anyway, many people would appear to be ideal... until the day they somehow get together).

My sense is that the reason why you hold reservation towards pursing either one of these ladies is likely due to your fear of rejection. Somehow, it seemed to me that though you are 'picking the cherries' to decide who should you be with, but when your targets have shown interest elsewhere, you hastily back off and rationalize with yourself that this is 'morally wrong' - so let's move on.

Let me clarify something: the desire to move on isn't wrong; it is the logic behind the usage of these quotes, masked as reasons, that are fundamentally flawed.

There is nothing fundamentally or morally wrong with liking someone. In fact, it is almost an involuntary urge or response that one has little control over. Hence, when you claimed that you can't force anyone to like you - that's essentially correct. But it is puzzling on how you could claim this premise to be true for your situation when you haven't even started doing anything for her to even response to you in a manner where the statement is applicably true (e.g. like she has rejected you and shared that you and her are impossible).

It is akin to entering a restaurant and expressing that you are not dining here because it probably looks expensive. My point is that you haven't even ask/check about the price to make any informed decision. Hence, your behavior is probably a result of intra-personal issues that you have problems to deal with (e.g insecurity, fear of rejection, etc) and not likely because of the reasons you have stated in your post.

***

I find your question puzzling: who should you choose: X or Y?

Unless you are saying that these two girls fancy you and you have a reasonable chance of entering into a relationship with either one of them - if not, I don't see why you are implicated with the 'burden' of choice.

What you are probably asking is who you should consider chasing. However, if this question even pops out the way it does (and would sound a little absurd) - then the likely answer is none.

I will give you an analogy: if I go to the market and buy a fish, I would choose based on its freshness and price. Then I will proceed to cook and eat it. There is no need for me to get feedback or response from the fish. There is no requirement to build rapport and develop relationship with it. It simply fulfill my survival need. I do not need to consider fulfilling the fish's needs as any attempt to fulfill the latter would automatically make me sound absolutely absurd. Likewise, love isn't going to a market place to buy fish, cook and eat it - you kind of need to get feedback, response, develop rapport and relationship and on later stage, fulfill certain mutual needs.

It is not a linear relationship.  

In addition, there are no immediate backup plans in genuine love. Such intricate systems to formulate backup plans are purely psychological mechanism to deal with our own deeper issues (fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, delusion, fantasy, etc).

Perhaps you are probably more in love with the notion of having a relationship, than being in love with the figure that you mentioned. You might want to figure out if this is something you want to resolve within.

Cheers