Originally posted by Wtongzl78:
I've had a talk with her early last week after her she came back from Phuket with him. I told her I have become uncomfortable that she has spent more and more time with him and that she has gone for more and more overseas trips with him. I also told her that people have started to talk.
But she became upset that I brought up this matter and insisted that there is nothing between her and him and that I should not interfere too much into her life and choice of her good friend and travel companion. She bacame angry and stormed off and refused to talk to me for the next few days.
She resumed talking to me again last Thursday but i can sense that she is still not happy. But at least she has started talking to me again and i hope she got the message even though in the process i have upset her.
But tomorrow she's going overseas with him again. He will be on working trip to Hong Kong and she will just tag along as accomodation has been paid for by his company. They will be in Hong Kong till Sunday. This is not the first time she tag along with him for his working trips overseas. She has done so many times over the years and each trip they would extend the stay for 1-2 days more on top of the official days paid by his company. He has also tagged along on her overseas working trips many times.
Maybe it's partly my fault to let her have so much freedom in the first place. She has have freedom even before we got married. I was okay with it as I trusted her. 2 years ago she went backpack with him to Europe and US for 3 months, I wasn't entirely happy but still could accept it. Friends and relatives started to talk from then on but I just ignored. Perhsps she has taken things for granted and forgot about my feeling.
She came back from Hong Kong last night and was in a very good mood. Bought me and the kids lots of stuff. I didn't want to tslk about this matter last night coz I don't want to spoil the occasion with argument.
When we communicate in relationship, we often opt for the 'safer' systemic way of getting our message across in an indirect fashion. We expressed that 'people are talking about it' or that we are just 'uncomfortable'. But when we unmask the packaging, the truth of the matter is that you abhor the thought of how this situation has developed to such an uncontrolled manner.
Her right to travelling companions or good friends is something that you have no control over? Quite different from your original concept of you 'allowing' this to happen, isn't it? A more troubled thought might actually be the fact that you are also afraid of what is coming - when we fail to clear up dust in the room for too long a period, sometimes, we are also fearful of what we might actually find. Dead cockroach? Spider and its well-spun web? Or simply just dust needing to be cleaned?
If you are trying to find (or hopefully trying not to uncover) evidence of her possible infidelity, then naturally your sense would be to detect anomaly in her statement, choice and behavior. My guess is that you will eventually find something of varying degree if your focus is as such. Well, if I don't clear my room for too long, it is only natural to encounter at least a dust mite, if I decide to look deep enough.
However, what you fear you might find or what you think you would find should not be the main considerations of what you ought to do. Namely, even if I may fear dead roaches lying somewhere in my cupboard, it shouldn't fetter me from spring cleaning because the fact of the matter is that if there is indeed a dead roach in my cupboard, nothing I can do now will change this very fact that the cockroach is dead right there.
I can only decide what I can do ONLY after I have decided upon my choice of spring cleaning. Who knows? Perhaps there are no dead roaches ultimately. Hence, what you gain is a peace of mind.
You made a good attempt at surfacing this issue to her; however, a bigger issue lies with (1) your insecurity & (2) the lack of power in the relationship. I hope you do realize that despite your attempt to start talking about this, she does not answer directly, but chose to exhibit a statement of power to coerce you into accepting her individuality.
[Quote: I should not interfere too much into her life and choice of her good friend and travel companion]
When I talk about insecurity, it does seem to me that you might have a coping mechanism through placating where you minimize or downplay your needs in view of harmony. Hence, the cosmic lesson for you in your marriage is to decide between avoiding (for social harmony) and confronting (for self expression). The latter probably put you in state of discomfort - you might want to find a way to communicate your needs and set a mutually agreed boundary.
Cheers
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