Aunt Agony 280613

Originally posted by Detached:

Ok the joke’s on me..

We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status.

Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.

She agreed and we became an item.

It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high.

And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally.

It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea..

I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.

Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?


Adopting a stance that you cannot upkeep will only serve to burst into a flame of nothingness somewhere down the line. You started off with the flirting and causal dating, which might gave her the impression that you are easy-going, confident and non-possessive. She probably realized that the price she is going to pay to remain in this relationship isn't worth the value in exchange - getting out is probably an easier option.

Being colleagues certainly complicate the matter a little, especially when you have to work with her. It is hard to draw boundary - between professional and personal - and fighting on (in your definition) might end up a HR issue.

Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones) that partner do not love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them openly.

You might be able to accept things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.  

Perhaps seeing this woman as a catalysis to awake your motivation for self improvements could spur inner change. After all, when we fail to change our environment, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Cheers