My husband and I got married only after 1 yr of dating. I feel the decision to get married n to have a kid immediately is a wrong start. We r now into 6th yr of marriage n have 2 kids. We actually dont know each other well.
Lately he is bk to his gaming. As a result, once bk fr work, he is always on his hp or laptop. I feel so lonely. Everyday he plays till 2am n sat he plays till 4am. As a result, I dont get to talk to him much. In fact I feel sian to talk to him cos he will forget anything we talk about. He gets headache v often. So will sleep n I hav to take care if the kids. I m quite sickly myself. After working so long hrs, I also want to play, watch tv. At most I can only do all these for about 30min. Its ok to b so busy but at least he shd help more. How I wish he can b my support. He cant stand anyone crying. So I always cry in the toilet. Yesterday I cried in front of my kids.
I m v tired n lonely. To b fair, he does washing milk bottles daily. N sweep floor once or twice a week. But our place is v dusty n I have sensitive nose so sometimes I cannot wait n will sweep the floor myself. Cupboard also dusty n need to wipe. All of these he dont do n refuse to hire maid n part time helper.
I feel v tired n v unhappy. I know there are many women out there who r worse than me. But I want to know am I childish to want him to spend time with me ? Am I wrong to ask him to sleep when he is playing games till 4am? Is it acceptable for him to scold him cos I ask him to stop playing at 4am? Is it selfish for me to want him to settle housework first like sweep floor before playing? Is it acceptable for him to say that this is a fucked up family?
Am I creatng trouble? That's what he says.
Based on research, on a general level; martial satisfaction tends to dip upon the existence of the couple's first child. It's not rocket science though; with dual income situation and parenthood being an entirely new experience - stress is pretty much the same outcome for most modern Singaporean family. The only difference is that all couples manage this stress differently. Relationships that have superior resilience are often those that spent conscious amount of effort to communicate, negotiate, compromise and empathize during courtship and beyond (some are fortunate to start during marriage and before the relationship totally died on them).
However, because we have not been parents before this phase, our 'methods' of dealing with parenthood are often 'inherited' from what we experienced from our caregivers during our early childhood. Therefore, if your husband's father has limited involvement in his life when he was a child, unless he is an enlightened soul, the probability of him reiterating this social learning is high. It might be worst if his family background is the traditional makeup of housewife mother and sole income father. Though our society has evolved, but our attitude towards family development might not have caught up.
Your love and belonging needs are of great importance to you; you badly want to connect with your husband emotionally so as to justify the reasons for all task related child-rearing roles you have submerged yourself in. Having quality time is simply one way you could feel connected. Hence, I do not see it as 'creating trouble' much more than you having an unsatisfying relationship.
He does seem to exhibit signs of avoidance; he may sense that you are overwhelmed, but may not know the impact of this stress on you. Playing games appears to be a coping mechanism for him and since you don't share the same mechanism as him; crying is your coping stance.
I am not sure; how negotiable is he as a husband? Surely, some structural agreements are required before things escalate out of control.
I) Individual Needs
How can he balance the need for gaming verses the need for household responsibility? Also, how can you balance your need for your husband's affection and your children's need? Surely, he could go play his game if he has swept the floor (if that was your prior agreement) or you could spent one weekend getaway once every two passing months. Whatever the mutual agreement, it HAS to be (i) sustainable - something you can possibly do in long term, (ii) realistic - something that can be done realistically, (iii) accepted - something that must be accepted mutually and agreed.
II) Conflict Management
Suppression of feelings does not solve problems, but only seek to avoid issues. If he is uncomfortable with tears, then since it is not something that you can do it alone, he would need to know what requires him on his part to help you with. Surely, he cannot control your choice to cry (no matter how unconscious it may be), but certainty you know what would help you to feel supported and this needs has to be communicated.
P.S: Seemed to me that he appears to hold stronger power in this relationship. If you need support, you would have to start negotiating and communicating - if it does not come naturally, then learn to take control of your relationship.
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