Aunt Agony 251013

Originally posted by IndonGirl:

For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to take time to read my long story to understand what happen to us.

I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend. This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man (since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents. After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we become close friend.

For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun. Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.

Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will be good.

Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and my family but now no more.

After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him to faster get married because his father also already give up of him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known each other.

On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he gambling.

On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting. This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father (that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my parents and let my parents know what had happen.

My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not 24 hours together.

At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide really come to my mind.

The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible, respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is accepted.

Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again. Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9 o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone, follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and sometimes meet client.

Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store. At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents, don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.

In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want, I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their house and stay there for few days until my parents come.

My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too. And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit together with us, say sorry to my parents.

We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.

Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst. They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be good.

Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold, after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint account name. He promise to be truth and many more.

Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not. Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly happen, Along can come to look for his wife.

Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money, have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he feel angry.

All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell house to clear debts.

Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle, leave him struggle him self.

Am I a bad wife?

All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many time by his father about his gambling habit.

We have date but as u know we are from diff country so of course can’t often date like in the same city. Sometime he visit me and vice versa. Usually I stay at spore just few day because I still working, he also can’t always accompany me have to work and I feel not so good to every time go spore stay at his friend house. That’s why I think should be ok if we don’t take long time in relationship since many people I trust said he is a good guy. He and me also not young already.

Before married, I ever said want to cancel. I found out that he talk more than action. I think I need time to know him more but what can I do he told me that if cancel I have to responsible for the dinner party too. Its a dinner party at 5 star hotel, so expensive. Me where got so much money, some more I just post my resign letter as he ask me to stop working and start prepare for wedding things. He said he will give me pocket money and will take care of me. At that time, many thing happen to his family too, father sick go hospital, brother got car accident. His friend also had scold him because of his bullshit, then I think give him a chance see how. If until the married day he still not done some of what he promised me then I will cancel my wedding. After resign he did give me pocket money 2K/ month as he promise. He did some renovation for our new room. No one tell me he is a gambler.

During his tough time, he got send me pocket money too but of course not as much as he promise. He send every time I ask money from him. Come back to my country, every month also have expenses. I think its no wrong for me to ask from him, am I right?

We seldom message or call each other already after I come back to my hometown. I hate to hear I miss u, I love u. For me all this is bullshit. If u love me, should u cheat me, should u hurt me. Just wait and see whether he will do what he promise me or not.

When he ask me when will I go back to him, I told him will go back after his problem settle, house sold, I got my part as he promise me. Many time he ask me and I give the same answer. But then I rethink, will he give me those money? Why not just push him to faster buy new house. And when not enough, can u those money that he promise will give me. So the next time he ask when will I go back, I told him after he buy new house, If not I will not go back.

Finally house sold, he already got money he forgot what he promise me, he forgot he already married and wife still waiting for him to do what he promise. I message him ask him have he find new house? How will he give me my part as he promise me. I message him many time ask him how and he don’t want to reply me. Then after a month I call him, ask him how, I told him it is not possible for me to keep staying at my hometown, hiding from people. And the answer I get is ‘I will not give that money, I have put all money into business so if u want to come back then come back otherwise I can’t force u too. I will only give you allowance every month’. Is this what he should answer me? Is this my husband?

I told him to give me money so I can do some business since I don’t know I will stay here for how long but he don’t want, he said he never ask me to work here but ask me to go back to him. If readers are me, will u just go back like nothing happen?

Then I told him, he still owe me. When I am there, he ever borrow money from me. He also haven’t give me enough for my allowance as he promise. This time he send 7K for me. He have send money, if readers are me, will u go back to him?

I think many days and still can believe this horrible marriage . Is he ever love me? Really love me? Why when the time I ask for cancel, he don’t want to cancel. Is it a mission behind this married? So stress every time think of this thing. Why my life become like this? Am I did a big mistake in my past life that’s why now I have to receive all this. Suicide or be crazy always come to my mind every time I can’t cool down my mind. I feel so unfair, have been cheat from the beginning we know each other. Are we girl born to be cheat, to be bully? I want to find my woman right but I don’t know how?

I really can’t endure anymore what he had done to me, I message him said that better we separate and start prepare for all the documentation if he can’t do what he promise me. How can I trust him if he always promise but not do it? Told me will stop gambling but who can guarantee. His attitude, irresponsibility, unrespect, nothing can make me feel happy and secure to be with him anymore. He no reply me, then I call him and told him. The answer I get is ok tomorrow will look for lawyer to settle. He really hurt me again and again although I want to divorce should he straight away told me that. Why he didn’t say ok we cancel when I ask for cancel. This is men, I don’t know is all men like this or not but for sure is I really can’t trust anyone anymore except my parents.

if readers are me, what will u do? Will you go back to him since now he already have job have business, have give you money, have promise will not gambling? But no house and didn’t do what he promise write on agreement letter.




It is quite a mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.

***

Your situation has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2) he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is interested in you.

Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him because I foresee little future, etc).

In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the 'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome from your ideals.  

Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to you.

When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones), suicide is unnecessary.

***

The talk about sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red flushes.

Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.  

Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having all the information about the person at hand. After all, many people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are poor reference for decision making in love.  

P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.

Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.

Cheers