Aunt Agony II 191106

Originally posted by Agonized:
Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it.

He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up.

The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him.

In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.



You situation will crash into a dead end, leaving you critically impaired.

Your boyfriend seemed to have mistaken the intent of your confession - he sees it as a signal to propose a marriage, bringing the relationship to the next level when in fact, matrimony is not appropriate at the moment. Because he's almost lost you, he would probably take haste to bind you into a marriage before your love vacillate again.

Yet unknown to him, this man doesn't know that your love for him is fading. His hasty advancement towards marriage is building on the fact that he probably thinks that you still loves him very much, albeit somebody slip into the picture. This is something quite dire and do you even plan to talk to him about this to resolve this conundrum?

I cannot advise you to marry him unless every fragment of your soul is willing to be his wife because as long as you are not emotionally ready, you are risking complication and frustration into your marriage life later on. You are agreeing to his plan of marriage solely out of duty... accounting this one decade of relationship, which amounts to nothing if you do not feel this love inside of you.

One good question: is it really because of this school mate that is causing your feelings to waver or if it because as time goes by, your feelings diminished insofar as somebody could easily slipped into your heart and implant confusion?

There is a distinctive hairline difference between the two because if the answer was the latter, you could jolly well be dissatisfied with this relationship all these while, waiting for somebody suitable to come by before you take that initiative or courage to leap ship. And in this case, the catalysis is your school mate.

In that case, I suggest you speak to your man and hold back all plans first. All plans made in name of marriage must cease until you have decide on some kind of alternatives, which enables you to carry on in this relationship. Be it changes, compromising or whatever - do you even feel enough to believe that this relationship could probably work out because something is lacking and you want to patch up those voids?

Of course, if you opt for the transgressive approach - in attempting to reveal your feelings to your school mate AND see if there is a possibility between you and him - be prepared for heaps of emotional distress and suffering.

It's useless; even if your man give you the moon in the sky if you do not feel like being in this relationship with him or having that wanting to work things out mutually.

Love is freewill - when you remove duty, moral and social bondage incarcerated by our society.

If it was the former, I would say that if you cannot handle the implication of your overwhelming emotions for him while trying to maintain friendship, I suggest you just remove having that contact with him. If you cannot handle fire, you eliminate fire before the flame consumed you totally.

It will grow if you allow yourself the condition to make it grow as maintaining friendship is but a facade.

You have to make critical decision for yourself and not fly on auto-pilot on this because if you do not take drastic measure, you will crash into a dead end. And it will definitely happen, if you do not take heed and jammed those breaks before you retrace a route.

Drastic measure must be back-up by concrete reason. Should you decide on any decision, make sure you believe in the decision you have chosen.

Cheers