Aunt Agony 191106

Originally posted by sickandtired:
hi everyone..new member here.. kinda troubled so hope u all can give me wsome views..

my gf and i have been together for 4 years and still counting. in our 3rd year we broke up and patched back about 3 months later. during this 3 months, i had another 'gf' whom i didn't love at all. i dreaded meeting her and the only reason why i stayed with her during the 3 months was that i didn't know how to say "NO" to the relationship.

After plucking up the courage, i left her and my previous gf and me patched back. things were going smoothly but it was never the same. As she was my first ever gf, the breakup was very painful for me. but after patching up, i kinda just enjoy the relationship half heartedly. no doubt i love her but i just cant bring myself to be as loving as i was the first time round.

my gf herself always like to make problems. it's like she is so insecured. she always likes to check on my emails and frenster accounts. everytime some gals whom i dunno adds me, she starts her nonsense and will throw all kinda questions at me. but i do not ask her anythin when guys msg her thru this stupid program called frenster! i haf even stopped chatting on msn whenever she is around as she dislieks me chatting with gals. i mean, come on, wats wrong with chatting with ppl online? i haf frenz who are guys and gals.. and besides, i made frenz with these gals when we were not together. and we are purely chatting and catchin things up. we didn't meet or love each other. is it wrong t obe friends with others when you are attached?

what irritates me even more is that she always wants to break up. she likes to threaten and say this word. after enduring this type of "break-up" attitude, i finally said enough is enough and left early this year. but 3 months later, i realised that i can't be without her. it's as if i had gotten used to her presence and doings.

after patching up, i did talk to her about her actions and she said she was sorry about it etc. things went well until recently, she starts her nonsense again. i know that the feelings have died down between us and both of us are trying. but all these quarrels are not doing us any good. and i cant just leave her and break up cause she herself is going through many problems. she has left her house due to arguments with her parents. i feel my gf has a attitude problem. she is very affected by what happens around her.

for example, if another person is having an affair, she will assume i am or will have one in the future. because of all these thoughts, we haf argues countless times and it is due to thoughts like these(of a different kind) that she left her house and is putting up with me now.

everyday i come back home after work and play my games or do my stuff and yet she suspects me. i am so tired and sad but then i cant bring myself to leave her.

i know i am not that good a person too.i am insensitive and she always calls me a MCP(of coz i dun think i am a MCP) i dunno how to love her and neither do i know how to make her feel loved in front of others. but yet she is still with me despite she telling me many times that all she wants is to be loved. i am trying but i cant love her like other guys will love their gf. i am just like that. my love is shown differently and she is trying to accept that i think.

i am so disappointed that after so long we are still having problems. i am so sure that if we go our own ways, we both can find better partners than each other but i just want her and i hope there is a solution to this. i cant expect a marriage life with suspicions.

pls give ur views..thanks..


The sense of insecurity is usually imaginary - people reckon that something negative will happen even though you showed no blatant signs of drifting. The sense of insecurity is conjured by the ghost of their inferior esteem, which was probably reinforced from previous failed relationship experience or negative childhood ideology of love - that they gradually form a cognitive model of what 'love' means to them.

Inferior esteem begets inferior model/structure of love.

When you returned back to your relationship, it's like reading the same book with a different cover page. Do you seriously think that things will change just because there was a three months rest?

It's silly to assume that people will evolve just because there was a transitory separation, especially if it involved personalities or core beliefs. While you are expecting her to tone down on her attitude, she is requesting you to be more sensitive to her needs - eventually none of you did achieve success in this compromising, which was why old problems haunted because there wasn't any new solution to tackle this issue.

It seemed that the both of you are reminiscing on previous, 'better' times of the relationship and surviving solely on that (plus habitual reason), rather than the reason of love.

Unable to get used to your new life is a bad excuse to patch back - it's for your own self absorbed reason, don't you think?

Your circumstance thickens with complication as she began to cohabit with you (I am presuming that she has left house and is currently taking residence at your place). Her dependency on you increases and so is her insecurity because now, she needs you more than you need her in that sense.

Your woman belongs to an archetype of love personality who rejected the notion to believe that love could be harmonious and fulfilling. They will constantly find cracks within the structure of their love relationship, to prove their invalid point: that all relationships are unstable and my partner will flee because everybody else seemed to be a better 'grade' than I do, when they should focus those time and energy into fostering a better bond and a more breathable relationship. They are conditioned by their environment and experience to believe sincerely that they are not entitled a harmonious relationship - and that their man/woman will bound to cheat them and invite all sort of emotional suffering in their life. And because you did not cheat on her technically, she pictured it psychologically and received the same torment in kind because subconsciously, she wants to prove the point about her being unloving and nothing good will ever happen to her - a self fulfilling prophesy.

That's a blind spot - adding onto the fact that it's in a very challenging angle to restore and cleanse those emotional deficiency. Of course, I believe that most people carry certain kind of emotional defects from their past/development stages unto their present/future relationship and throughout their life.

Are you able to accept her definition and perception of what she reckons to be a workable relationship? To drop contacts with all other women in your life and shower more TLC? On the reverse, is she able to accept that a healthy relationship consists of life outside love and your conservative approach in affection?

Two distinctive definitions will create chaos unless assimilation is achieved. Both of you do not have to pick the extreme - a blend and mix of a compromised definition that is accepted mutually will work nicely and lower the intensity of the relationship.

That's if you could still tap on the motivation of love to give you the endurance needed to smooth out the edges of this relationship. It makes no sense if your overwhelming disappointment overshadowed your fluttering love - probably spells an impending doom?

Cheers