Originally posted by Joi_lin:
I am depressed for being so single, and can foresee myself being left on the shelf for the rest of my life. Really envious of people who are good and healthy relationships. I am already in my late twenties and didn't engage in the relationship for years. I feel I have already missed the boat in finding a partner as most of my colleagues are married or engaged. I feel there is a stigma attached to singlehood. But I do not want to walk into a dating agency and grab anyone who fancies me. To me, relationship must be mutual.
So many people around me already talking about babies, mother-in-laws etc.I feel so outdated. And often get questions about when are you getting a boyfriend? getting married? you already not young, do not be choosy, etc etc.
Sometimes, I do wonder if every woman on earth must get married. I somehow feel an unmarried woman has some inbalance in her life. Looking at some of the unmarried old woman I know, they seem to experience certain things like bad temper, insecurity, loneliness, defensiveness, extremely sensitive, etc. I just afraid I would end up being like that soon.
Many a time, I wonder what is wrong with me. I always feel awkward when I attend gatherings/ lunches whereby people talk about their other half. Usually people will find me pleasant , in other words, they think I am simple -minded, easy-to-please person. However, to the contrary,I am more opinonated and independent. Perhaps thats put people off. And after the first date, I didnt hear from the other party anymore. Then, again I wonder if i should act dumb, pretend to be agreeable to look more attractive to others, in other words act according to my looks. By the way, I am not even materialistic in the first place.
I just find it frustrating. Sometimes I think maybe when I hit the big 30, I do not want to socialise anymore. Everyone will be talking about partner/family issues which I can no longer understand.
I think I can make up part of growing singles, who are not welcomed.I already started to feel the stigma.
What do you guys think of women who are left on the shelf? Problematic?
Your worries are not unfounded - you are facing an intimacy VS isolation crisis (Erik Erickson), and if you are unable to find someone to share intimacy, you are apt to fall into isolation. It isn't simply just because you are single and alone, but because simultaneously, you do not have a solid cause in life to redirect your focus or fall back on.
And this is affecting your self image because now you reckoned that there might be 'something wrong' with you because it seemed that the world have entered into their next phase, while you are still stuck even at the first step of dating.
Everyone here is saying 'oh being single is good, because you have a lot freedom, time, etc.' But the problem is not about the lack of freedom and time to do what you want, but rather, the lack of ideals to burn out the abundance of time you have on hand. And thus, very naturally, your biological clock and your social environment will start pressurizing you till the edge of the cliff, until you take the plunge into isolation and give yourself up.
Being single is not problematic, but I do not agree that people should be single, if they have a choice not to. It's not a social stigma thingy that I am looking at (in fact, I am hardly a conformist); it's the individual growth factor that one will greatly miss out if he/she adopt singlehood, despite having decent choices.
In Love, there are several dimensions of 'afflictions', but not every affliction is 'fatal'.
Most afflictions are reversible, if you can diagnose the hindrance that is obstructing your path in Love and provided if you are determined to change your fate. I do not believe that you will be left on the shelf, if you are actively seeking to evolve yourself.
The difference between both genders is that women are generally passive towards finding the right one. They rather wait and die waiting, than having to appear desperate. Somehow, you probably believe that time and fate must work hand in hand mystically to create the possibility of love.
But I tell you, it is not a one size fits all approach because contrary to popular belief, fate do not come naturally to all (CloUdiSm classify phenomenon as Barren Affection).
***
Originally posted by Joi_lin:
I need to say most of my friends are female. Perhaps it is my environment. I do not know. I am not that extremely outgoing type and I dislike patronizing clubs and pubs. I do not like outdoor activities. Not that I have never tried before but it is really not my cup of tea.
***
The reason why your current situation does not improve over the years, it's because your current life does not change much. The equation is logical. If you want to witness improvement, you got to spur a drastic revolution. From your above statement, I conclude that you are probably more inclined towards a homely person or your interests are generally solitary activities.
What are your chances? Minimum?
Highest common factor on why people are still single over a long period of time - they dislike socializing with people outside their core group and generally prefer to 'swim' around familiar areas, doing the things they always do or being the person they always behave.
If you want to ignite the first spark of Love, you have got to allow yourself the opportunity to be able to provide you with the options to do so. You got to have more options or make more options for yourself. If you have new interest to indulge in, you allow yourself more opportunity to know new friends. If you have new cause to pursue in life, you will find more like-minded people who will share the same ideals (e.g. a religion). If you are willing to evolve yourself, say when you learn to better doll up yourself, you improve your self esteem naturally when you feel good inside and outside.
Every plus points you actively initiated, will translate into a positive outlook and you will naturally be attractive when you strengthen your self identity and learn not to be encumbered by all these worries.
Trust me, quality mates are not that difficult to find. The problem in most people is the lack of self awareness and the strategy they employ.
Cheers
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