Originally posted by j_dsowner:
okay i admit, i'm female and she's female.
she was my classmate in secondary school. she wasn't in my clique yet , only around secondary 3 she joined our clique cos we ended up in the same class again after streaming.
that was when we two became extremely close, like besties.
i fell in love with her during that period of closeness and we have remained close ever since.
only till the beginning of sec 4 i intro-ed her a guy whom i know [ cos i tot i liked that guy and i was hoping that the guy liked me ]
in the end i found out the guy was jio-ing her. and soon after i've received a msg from her that they stead liao.
and yea of cos i got deeply hurt and i'm not gonna emphasis too much on that cos it'll result me in self pity again.
and now it's been 2 years since they have been together and they are still together and the problem here is,
i'm still in alot of pain whenever i tik tat she is with him, and we quarreled quite a few times when she cldn't go out with me.
but then when she is with me i feel very happy as if she is the other person in my life.
and sometimes i really do feel like telling her the truth and stuffs like that. i regretted alot not confessing to her in the past cos i almost have a feeling that she had a little feeling for me too cos i did alot alot to touch her heart many times. that's why i felt that i had a chance, but of cos ruined by that guy.
and now i'm stuck on telling her the truth. [ take note i'm still besties with her even tho we're diff sch now ]
shud i tell her that i have feelings for her for 3 years already or just kip my heart shut and wait till .. when?
once i've imagined her wedding day in the future and i reali had thoughts that i will commit suicide on that day cos i know i will feel alot of pain if i have to attend her wedding.
i even pictured myself willing to undergo sex change just to be with her for the rest of my life.
so i'm still very confused whether i should continue being good to her and wait for her or just move on. [ but i know the second option is damn hard. ]
one thing i have not yet spoken about is how i feel towards her,
yes sometimes i really do think that maybe cos i just needed someone by my side and i may have mistaken it as love.
but the feeling was more than that. I always wanted to protect her from hurt from her stead. Whenever she's sad and stuffs like that i'm always there to cheer her up and make her smile. I always want the best for her, like her birthday i always think of ways and means to surprise her and make her happy on her birthday.
and for the sex change topic, i'm not someone who rushs into things without thinking. i just imagined myself in the future doing that just for her. but now i know i have no right to go for sex change because firstly, my family is one factor, even if my family accepts, there is still friends and relatives. there's alot of impact that will affect my life.
and yes i do want a happier future where we both can still be in contact with each other and close with each other [ without any more pain here on my side ] Forgetting her is no longer an option because she is a best friend whom i know will last for many years later. I've tried to talk more and socalise more with guys but i just feel that i'm always more comfortable being with girls.
I also admire girls who dare to chase other girls like speaking out their feelings and so on. they're just so brave and even if they got rejected [ i know some cases and heard of them too ] they still end up great friends with the person they like.
anyway i feel that i need to live my own life instead of living a life of hers. like always waiting for her to end school or end work to talk to her. always wait for her online at night to talk to her. alway wait for her to go offline den go slp.
don't u all think my life is a waste?
It's not just a lesbian thingy; it's coupled with an unrequited love/fettered by your socio-cultural environment, which suggested the likelihood of a karmic relationship. Your relationship with her is close to the point of obsession and her presence will probably heighten your unhealthy obsession towards her. This is one classic blueprint of a karmic relationship and generally bestow you nothing but misery. Thus, there is no way you can remain close, yet without you having to feel the pain because your suffering is derive from a combination of sexual identity crisis and delusion.
You are feeling intense because of your inability to resolve this sexual identity crisis and simultaneously, you are unable to liberate your suppressed emotions and live a free soul.
Therefore you must first understand that this crisis is very real and it's not something that goes away naturally by sleeping. You wore a mask for three years and shouldn't it be the time to get it all out once and for all? But surely, you must take into consideration that she might freak out and your friendship might never recover ever again.
You need to do what you need to and move on if things don't go your way. If she is only treating you as a good friend, all your 'affectionate gestures' will not be perceived by her romantically.
You need to have a stronger sense of self awareness and decide your route in life.
Only by knowing, would you be able to understand the path you opt to take eventually.
Cheers
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