Aunt Agony 170607

Originally posted by oakley1976:
I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.

We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.

All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.

Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.

She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...

The wedding day is over.

I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.

I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...

I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...

I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...

Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...

Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.

During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.

Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.

She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...

I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.


I feel for your situation, although I must say that you never did fully understand her psyche, despite leading the relationship for five years.

She began her love life like an immaculate sheet of drawing paper. After two intensive relationships, the artwork left by 'previous artists' is nothing but an entire page of gruesome black paint. Then you appeared in her life, determined to change the outlook of it and started painting different shades of red, blue, green and yellow.

But eventually you realised that the colours you introduced wasn't vibrant, but instead darkened under the initial ebony layering. No matter how you tried painting, it never produced the result you desired.

This is how you have led your relationship of 5 years: merely being a good boyfriend is like desperately trying to splash colours over black; the result will surely differ compared to a white background. Her unfathomable reaction to null the marriage is because you are unable to remove the black coating and thus allowing it to crystallize maliciously from within.

Because of that, your years of goodwill and love ricocheted off her heart, completely shielded, like an adamant plate-mail, capable of warding any love you dedicate to her.

But imho, that still could only be half the story.

She seemed to display a classic example of someone brandishing an unloving core belief being in a loving relationship. Her paranoia towards marriage is seen as an affliction in love, often manifest in people with unstable domestic environment or negative influence from divorce-induced parental marriage. They are psychologically conditioned to a fact that they are unloving and even if they are given something good for once, their mind are unable to accept that sort of possibility, thus subconsciously, they will script some kind of histrionic plot, acting as a self fulfilling prophesy to prove their point - shown from the fact that she is blatantly 'advising' you to find other woman.

***

You may not have to lose this relationship - you probably need to play your cards strategically.

A six month time off is a high risk affair in which I will not advocate. Even Venus square Moon in synastry only suggest short periodic time off; a lengthy version is more often than not a red herring and by the end of the 'agreement', she would probably upgrade this to a permanent contract and sayonara.

After all, I am betting on the fact that she is reconsidering the marital proposal, but not entirely the relationship. If you could sell the concept of 'getting-together-yet-simultaneously-having-all-the-freedom-and-time-to-think' and null the time off, I reckon it's more advantageous in that manoeuvre. Just take great care to avoid the marital pressure issue.

If you can't do it alone, get her best friend to your assistance (or anybody you know that could exert influence on her).

Once there, reach into her soul and try to remove the black taint. Much deep communication and understanding is needed. Believe me, it will be arduous, but if you can avoid triggering the land mines and succeed, things might just turn out well in the future.

Let love talk the walk and walk the talk.

Cheers