Aunt Agony II 300607 (Continued from AA 29 & 300507)

Originally posted by jackdaniels:

Just some thoughts from the back of my head. I don't think Mr G wants a relationship though that is what he claims. Maybe he wants one but he doesn't really need one with me. Things seemed to transpire in reverse order. Most of us claim a r/s before or shortly after physical intimacy, for Mr G it happens after 2 years. Maybe he orchestrated this mistrust. Maybe I did.


The logical part of me believes he's spewing whatever he thinks can ensure contact when he comes back. It comes across as very cheesy. He has been spewing for a long time now. Apart from sex I cannot think of better reason why a person like him will bother. I also don't understand why he has to be this desperate / shrewd. That's why I'm curious for male perspective. Is it really desperation? Do people really stoop to that?


I have no idea why he needs to be this desperate because I find him attractive and he gives me nightmares. What I don't understand is why he chose to leave without bidding goodbye, then contacts me again and apologises voluntarily. I wasn't riled up to begin with, I didn't probe. I didn't instigate anything. Close friend of mine says I am not being appreciative that he bothered feeling bad over going away. I would like to be nice and responsive but something tells me he is just being a phoney. When I respond sometimes he becomes distant and says things like please take good care of yourself and cheers. Sort of like he is regretting the conversation big time and just trying to be rid of me.


Asking him all these questions is not going to cut because he will just be quiet. I don't think he needs these questions now anyway. When he does try explaining, the atmosphere gets so unbearably heavy I feel bad over it and have no choice but to cut him in and make a joke to lighten things up again. But when I try a joke to lighten things up, he turns frigid and looks very offended. When I get the feeling he is offended there's pretty much nothing I can do except to shut up. When he's offended he says nothing does nothing. It is very unapproachable and very scary to me.


Apart from that, I like him for his company and miss him when he's not around. But when he isn't around I'd rather not talk on the phone or on the net because he's very boring and awkward.


I want to tell him honestly it's better that we not talk and just meet up and go about the usual routine when he comes back, clear the air so he doesn't have to try so I don't have to be mislead. But if he really ignores me I'll feel terrible and unhappy. At the same time I don't want to be hurtful. He remembers harmless comments sometimes, shows no reaction and then brings it up 3 months later. What I say can come back to haunt me.


Can't seem to find a one stop kick buttock solution to my frustration and insanity so I would like someone clever to just tell me what it is so I can do right by it.


I just want to know if I am being excessively cynical or if I should go with what my gut says.



Which route will allow you the liberty to be freed from this karmic, emotionally-captive and unfulfilling relationship? In fact, you have probably guessed it, nothing much will come out of it, but somehow, you are pinning for a drastic miracle to occur so that everything will somehow lead into a long awaited happy conclusion.

That's pretty much delusional. Probably it might not be as literal as a 'happy' ending, but surely you somewhat desire a long awaited conclusion to distinctively mark the boundaries of your relationship with him. Currently, your relationship with him has neither definite shape nor volume - a primary three kid will tell you that belong to the state of gas.

In fact, you are probably waiting for an answer that will always be denied. You will never know what's going on in his mind - he is shifty, alternating his mood and taking on the quality of being unpredictable - the all familiar AOS (Art of Seduction) techniques applied to another womenfolk.

Let me reframe your context - you have a choice now. But from the flow of your thoughts, apparently, the crux of your choice paradoxically implied that this decision is very much depended on his choice.

Therefore, it actually leaves you with no choice but to carry on and maintain status quo.

Square one.

In fact, you might even fear to know the truth - should there be an abstruse truth of some kind. What if he only thought of this as free sex? A fuck buddy? Would that shatter your confusion outrageously or even ruin the perception of how you have always thought of your relationship with him?

Could it be such that you are the one imploring more from this, when the unofficial deal is merely just that?

Perhaps the one that adamantly refuse to move along might be you.

Perhaps he understood this critical point - your need for his companionship supercede even the need for love. In crude sense, he could barter sex for his companionship and would succeed every time he subtly threatened you emotionally with abandonment.

[quote]...But if he really ignores me I'll feel terrible and unhappy. At the same time I don't want to be hurtful[/quote]

This is the very reason why you have failed to move along these years. You have failed to resolve the internal conflicts within your inner space, that the most important component - which is SELF, is terribly afflicted with twisted definition of love, creating a scenario of you hovering back and forth between square one.

And your vulnerability is heavily being exploited my dear.

***

Why do you reckon that you must always respond or even be subjected to his 'haunting'? You mean someone can always 'haunt' you without your permission to allow them?

Your freewill, namely being your choice, decides your fate in your personal crisis. This freewill I often talks about, is independent of this knavish fellow or any other influences you are subjected to.

You are coerced to fear, hindering your process to make ANY decision because you can't seemed to leave the shoreline in search of an island that truly belongs to you.

Love is not something fleeting and ambiguous - you can actually feel it shrouding every pores of your life and not leaving you alone in despair, wondering when is the next time he's going to play ninja and vanish without a trace.

The weird thing about people in love is that they do the same thing and make the same decision over and over and over again... simultaneously expect different result.

Perhaps moving on for certain might instead be a different approach, dispelling, once and for all, this phantasmal nightmare you have been coping for years. From there, you might want to work on your SELF component.

Remember: you have the prerogative to be with a man who truly loves and appreciate you for who you are. A man... not a ninja.

Cheers