Originally posted by jfund:
which would u choose? to go overseas to further studies for a good future and risk ur relationship? or stay, keep the relationship and sacrifice ur future? pls dont give answers like 'long-distance will work if the couple is truely in love...' thanks!
You have already limit yourself with absolute possibilities - for the choice of one must be a sacrificial of another.
Why should that always be the case?
You know, in this post-modern society, we are so caught up in the concept of rationality that we literally engage this rational sense of ours in all aspects of our life and submerged ourselves in calculation of what's the most 'profitable choice' at the end of the day. Like the scenario you have presented: furthering your studies for a good future verse keeping your relationship and 'sacrifice' your future?
Firstly, your future is not sacrificed even if you don't go overseas and study. This is already a gross mispresentation. It's not as if you are sentenced to sixteen years jail during your prime years and screwed up your future in that sense.
The risk factor you have advocated is nothing but the existence of fear where Love absolutely cannot tolerate. Hence, it began to chip at your relationship until the cleft becomes a hole and before you realize it, you have lost the relationship to some self-generated fear, topple with adverse circumstances.
In Love, so what if the relationship fails? What's with this obsession with a failing relationship anyway? Have we become so rationalized with obtaining 'perfect scores' and 'good results' that we cannot have the imagination and higher understanding that there are times in love (and life) when we must fall in the beginning to win later?
Failure suggested growth and not degeneration - the latter often revealed an unevolved soul.
The irony of Love is that why focus on the fact that a relationship would fail when one should focus on leading the relationship while it last and make the best out of it?
Interestingly, you don't always lose when you have lost your relationship.
Think about it.
Cheers
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
-1.jpg)
Aunt Agony 030808
Originally posted by shuibianni05:
Pretty surprised by the 'inferior Q'. I don't feel inferior than him. In fact, I don't feel inferior to anyone; each individual has our own lives, regardless of 'so-called' status, as long as we are happy, nothing really matters.
As for someone being better than him, I believe there are, but I don't do any comparisons as everyone is an unique individual. I do have friends telling me to break and that they will treat me better than he does. I just went ???.
But it all boils down to the fact that I do feel tired out from the relationship. How not to?
I have been 'babysitting' the guy for four years; every single thing that crops up in his life, I am the one settling it. He may want to do it his way, I do let him, but silently I have to come up with a back up solution because his ways will never work.
I serve as the counsellor for his personal and work communications problems, the legal counsel as well as the management advisor for his family business. His friends and family didn't know; whenever they ask about his business, he will happily said the business has perked up etc etc. I just remain silent; I never expect anything in return except respect.
If u are referring 'worth' in terms of my life, I do lead a happy life, excluding the part on my relationship. I have a career, great family and great friends; I still am furthering my studies part time and I have been active in volunteer work. Everyone, apart from him, knows me as bubbly and outgoing.
I have tried talking to him numerous times, but he is sticking by his own thinking.
He felt that all he did is right; and most times will put his ridiculous ways as being stubborn, saying 'That's me. You know me.'
Financially he's not stable; after all, that's his father's business, whatever the business earns will go to the parents, not him. He's jus drawing a salary; below market rate.
Talking about finances, he will scold and make a big deal if I donate to charity; nowadays I just kept quiet about the donations stuff.
Same goes for if I give my parents allowances out of my salary.
I did fight for my decisions. Ultimately, he will pop the Q of 'Let's break off'; which will stop me from further 'discussion'.
I have never felt there is a need to 'break off' just because of minor issues. That's why I chose to remain silent; but seems that this 'break off' phrase has been popping up every now and then over the smallest of issues.
What's worst is that every two months, he will undergo a mood swing and starts feeling dejected and insists that our relationship has staled, 'froze', I am not caring and loving him enough etc. But he will be fine after a few days and apologise.
Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.
What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?
Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.
Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?
I also forego my chances of overseas study and overseas work attachment, to him, it's something I should do in order to 'continue' this relationship. He felt there's always give and take; I have to give up all the opportunities in order to 'appreciate' his love.
To join in his family gatherings is something I should do because his bro-in-law also joins in their gatherings.
No matter how his family demands me to do things, demands things from me, including taking the pda I jus bought, I have to give in, including bearing all the non-sensical insults. FYI, they don't call my by name, they call me by my address - the block number. He doesn't stop them and felt it's ok that they call me that.
On the other hand, he seldom joins in my family gatherings; he doesn't come my place often either; reason, he's afraid my mum will grill her on how's treating me.
Funny?
He doesn't send me to my doorstep to make sure I am safe, no matter how late it is, he send me to the block beside mine. Reason - He said he's lazy and tired. On the bright side, there's at least an 'improvement'. He used to jus drop me off at the carpark and I walked back myself, my block isn't connected to the carpark; it could be 4am, but still, ps walk back urself.
My 5 years-old niece cried and insists on buying a soft toy, costing 20 bucks, when we brought her out, he said she's a spoilt brat, that we all spoilt her rotten because her parents had passed away in an accident. FYI, my sis and bro-in-law died in a car accident when my niece was still young.
But, his 13yr old bro, cries and shouts and screams and jumps up and down when we don't get him the whole series of game cards, costing about 50 bucks, he said my bro is only 13 yrs old, he's still young, he's not spoilt, jus young, not matured yet, don't know how to think.
Are all guys like that? Or mine is just simply a 'special case'?
When his old flame text him at 3am, he felt he was 'needed', he needs to go down the next day and see her immediately. It's fine, maybe she really needs a company.
But, to the extent of forgetting I am in hospital? I was admitted the night his old flame text him; I told him my ward and bed no, he said he would pop by tomorrow. He remembered only after he had met his old flame and had a good night's sleep.
These problems started in the very first year; I have hung on and tried to solve.
But to him, talking out = let's break off.
What can I do? Each time I wanna talk, he'll said if it's so hard, then break off.
Break off is not a solution, that I understand; I just wanna a talk to solve things. But if he just simply doesn't wanna talk and use break off as a way to stop the talk, I really don't know what else I can try.
Whatever ways I can think of, I have tried.
Straight outburst at him to wake him - tried, he just felt I am crazy.
Wanna slap him to wake him - his response, ps slap me, but forget about waking me up.
Let him cool off, then have a good talk with him to make him realise what's wrong - tried, replied me with a 'Yes, Yes, I know', two months later 'back to normal'.
Disappearing Act - Tried, he went around looking for me at places where I mostly hang out, promising me everything, two months later, 'back to normal'.
Even my mum talked to him, she 'hijacked' him at the carpark; he went 'Yes, Yes, Auntie'; weeks later, back to normal.
When asked how stable is our relationship by friends, he will say it's actually very stable; good etc. But still, he will act up every now and then. When confronted on why act up when he felt it's stable, he just shrugged his shoulders.
I am trying to be logical; if what I am doing is considered logical.
My life used to revolve around him, and him only. I can stay at home jus to wait for his tex/call because he told me he would be meeting me. If he told me he wanna meet me for dinner, I would wait. The longest I waited was till 11pm, jus for a dinner with him.
My parents knew; they attempted to drag me out for dinner couple of times, trying to tempt me by suggesting that they will be going to my fave restaurant.
I lied; saying he would be coming soon. the moment they left, I changed my clothes and went out; loitering around and waiting at nearby blocks for him.
As time passed, I realised it was truly ridiculous of me. 'Waiting' became a part of my life, wait for dinner, wait for lunch, wait and wait and wait.
Due to the irregular meals, I came down with gastric 3 years ago.
Ultimately, I starting having my own plans, my own life, rather than revolve my life around him.
Through the years, I have became very independent, on the other hand, he has became reliant.
Deep down we both knew, our positions have interchanged. I used to be the one waiting and waiting while he's occupied with family, friends and work. Now, he's the one who's waiting because I am tied up in work, family, studies and friends.
If insecurity is what he felt, I can't help. I have done all I can, I can't possibly give up all my friends.
From Day One he knew me, 90% of my friends have been guys.
And, he knew he was wrong, but he said he simply can't help it and term it as 'That's just being me, I can't change'.
Probably because of your adamant self beliefs that problems are generally solvable and you have much endurance to spare; your seemingly lack of drive to initiate yourself out of this relationship might to be due to a ironic situation where you feel that you haven't find enough reason to coerce yourself to leave, although they are blatant reasons to. (This is a karmic phenomenon known to CloUdiSm as Frog Theory X Fixedly).
Seriously, it doesn't really matter how much 'well-intended' reasoning someone else can put across - you don't really need those; what you require is simply just a decision and to stick with it. Either to walk away permanently or to change the circumstances of your relationship.
You must understand this: you can even walk away without a reason, if you are really bend on leaving. If you are firm on staying, nothing can make you go. For Love is freewill and emotional bondage are usually karmic by nature.
And all the angles and perspectives are actually barriers that hinder movements to freedom. Some people don't realize this: to bury themselves with all sort of angles and perspectives, by rationalizing that it is important to avoid making mistakes and having regrets in the future, is often the introduction of stagnation. Taking calculated moves are reasonable; but not when you are overly obsessed with the notion of fear, which ultimately immobilize you. Then the source of your angles and perspective are nothing but excuses for insecurity to thrive and the unconscious steps in employing avoidance tactics to evade existing problems.
You are resigned to the fact that your man wouldn't change, but subconsciously, you are waiting for an exception. You waited and waited - patience might be running out, but you could easily say that hope survived all adversity. Albeit, I say it's good to occupy your time and make life much more meaningful outside that of your ailing relationship, but you must also recognize that it is a facade to avoid confronting your relationship altogether and delaying the inevitable.
What do I mean by delaying the inevitable?
Should your relationship perish under major incompatibility, then it will surely manifest towards that direction, unless something drastic happen. Relationship only change, if humans evolved themselves. This ensures the long term positive development of a relationship and not resorting to short term measures to patch certain vulnerabilities for a limited period of time. The latter would be too prescriptive in problem-solving and is often ineffective because individual cosmic lessons are not mastered, thus reiterated lessons over and over again.
If a relationship is always a source of conflict, then the mark of wisdom would be to identity the real cusp of issue and evolve them.
Your man lives in a massive delusion; he thinks that his relationship is functioning well and flourishing. Although he sensed that something is not quite right somewhere in his kingdom, but like the Emperor's New Clothes, he somewhat believed that if he maintain this illusion of grandeur, things will just tide over somehow. He threatened you with break-up because it puts a full-stop to your approach in trying to dispel this illusion. And it works every time he play this trick, so that rules hardly change.
Your permission to succumb compromised the integrity of the relationship, thus sacrificing long term growth. Over a vast period of time, the relationship cracks and bleeds indefinitely.
Now you are completely lost in trying to mend the damage.
By yourself.
There is only so much discrimination, disrespect and suppression one can endure before burn-out occurs. 'That's just me and I can't change' attitude is pretty much self absorbed on his end too. But as a separate issue, your decision to choose him as your mate, with the misery that accompanied your choice, is surely part of your karmic circumstance to understand and learn certain abstract concept of Love.
If lost must occur before one could gain enlightenment, would you allow that growth by imparting the lesson of lost?
Sometimes, divorce is loving.(Ninth Law of Love).
Cheers
Pretty surprised by the 'inferior Q'. I don't feel inferior than him. In fact, I don't feel inferior to anyone; each individual has our own lives, regardless of 'so-called' status, as long as we are happy, nothing really matters.
As for someone being better than him, I believe there are, but I don't do any comparisons as everyone is an unique individual. I do have friends telling me to break and that they will treat me better than he does. I just went ???.
But it all boils down to the fact that I do feel tired out from the relationship. How not to?
I have been 'babysitting' the guy for four years; every single thing that crops up in his life, I am the one settling it. He may want to do it his way, I do let him, but silently I have to come up with a back up solution because his ways will never work.
I serve as the counsellor for his personal and work communications problems, the legal counsel as well as the management advisor for his family business. His friends and family didn't know; whenever they ask about his business, he will happily said the business has perked up etc etc. I just remain silent; I never expect anything in return except respect.
If u are referring 'worth' in terms of my life, I do lead a happy life, excluding the part on my relationship. I have a career, great family and great friends; I still am furthering my studies part time and I have been active in volunteer work. Everyone, apart from him, knows me as bubbly and outgoing.
I have tried talking to him numerous times, but he is sticking by his own thinking.
He felt that all he did is right; and most times will put his ridiculous ways as being stubborn, saying 'That's me. You know me.'
Financially he's not stable; after all, that's his father's business, whatever the business earns will go to the parents, not him. He's jus drawing a salary; below market rate.
Talking about finances, he will scold and make a big deal if I donate to charity; nowadays I just kept quiet about the donations stuff.
Same goes for if I give my parents allowances out of my salary.
I did fight for my decisions. Ultimately, he will pop the Q of 'Let's break off'; which will stop me from further 'discussion'.
I have never felt there is a need to 'break off' just because of minor issues. That's why I chose to remain silent; but seems that this 'break off' phrase has been popping up every now and then over the smallest of issues.
What's worst is that every two months, he will undergo a mood swing and starts feeling dejected and insists that our relationship has staled, 'froze', I am not caring and loving him enough etc. But he will be fine after a few days and apologise.
Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.
What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?
Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.
Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?
I also forego my chances of overseas study and overseas work attachment, to him, it's something I should do in order to 'continue' this relationship. He felt there's always give and take; I have to give up all the opportunities in order to 'appreciate' his love.
To join in his family gatherings is something I should do because his bro-in-law also joins in their gatherings.
No matter how his family demands me to do things, demands things from me, including taking the pda I jus bought, I have to give in, including bearing all the non-sensical insults. FYI, they don't call my by name, they call me by my address - the block number. He doesn't stop them and felt it's ok that they call me that.
On the other hand, he seldom joins in my family gatherings; he doesn't come my place often either; reason, he's afraid my mum will grill her on how's treating me.
Funny?
He doesn't send me to my doorstep to make sure I am safe, no matter how late it is, he send me to the block beside mine. Reason - He said he's lazy and tired. On the bright side, there's at least an 'improvement'. He used to jus drop me off at the carpark and I walked back myself, my block isn't connected to the carpark; it could be 4am, but still, ps walk back urself.
My 5 years-old niece cried and insists on buying a soft toy, costing 20 bucks, when we brought her out, he said she's a spoilt brat, that we all spoilt her rotten because her parents had passed away in an accident. FYI, my sis and bro-in-law died in a car accident when my niece was still young.
But, his 13yr old bro, cries and shouts and screams and jumps up and down when we don't get him the whole series of game cards, costing about 50 bucks, he said my bro is only 13 yrs old, he's still young, he's not spoilt, jus young, not matured yet, don't know how to think.
Are all guys like that? Or mine is just simply a 'special case'?
When his old flame text him at 3am, he felt he was 'needed', he needs to go down the next day and see her immediately. It's fine, maybe she really needs a company.
But, to the extent of forgetting I am in hospital? I was admitted the night his old flame text him; I told him my ward and bed no, he said he would pop by tomorrow. He remembered only after he had met his old flame and had a good night's sleep.
These problems started in the very first year; I have hung on and tried to solve.
But to him, talking out = let's break off.
What can I do? Each time I wanna talk, he'll said if it's so hard, then break off.
Break off is not a solution, that I understand; I just wanna a talk to solve things. But if he just simply doesn't wanna talk and use break off as a way to stop the talk, I really don't know what else I can try.
Whatever ways I can think of, I have tried.
Straight outburst at him to wake him - tried, he just felt I am crazy.
Wanna slap him to wake him - his response, ps slap me, but forget about waking me up.
Let him cool off, then have a good talk with him to make him realise what's wrong - tried, replied me with a 'Yes, Yes, I know', two months later 'back to normal'.
Disappearing Act - Tried, he went around looking for me at places where I mostly hang out, promising me everything, two months later, 'back to normal'.
Even my mum talked to him, she 'hijacked' him at the carpark; he went 'Yes, Yes, Auntie'; weeks later, back to normal.
When asked how stable is our relationship by friends, he will say it's actually very stable; good etc. But still, he will act up every now and then. When confronted on why act up when he felt it's stable, he just shrugged his shoulders.
I am trying to be logical; if what I am doing is considered logical.
My life used to revolve around him, and him only. I can stay at home jus to wait for his tex/call because he told me he would be meeting me. If he told me he wanna meet me for dinner, I would wait. The longest I waited was till 11pm, jus for a dinner with him.
My parents knew; they attempted to drag me out for dinner couple of times, trying to tempt me by suggesting that they will be going to my fave restaurant.
I lied; saying he would be coming soon. the moment they left, I changed my clothes and went out; loitering around and waiting at nearby blocks for him.
As time passed, I realised it was truly ridiculous of me. 'Waiting' became a part of my life, wait for dinner, wait for lunch, wait and wait and wait.
Due to the irregular meals, I came down with gastric 3 years ago.
Ultimately, I starting having my own plans, my own life, rather than revolve my life around him.
Through the years, I have became very independent, on the other hand, he has became reliant.
Deep down we both knew, our positions have interchanged. I used to be the one waiting and waiting while he's occupied with family, friends and work. Now, he's the one who's waiting because I am tied up in work, family, studies and friends.
If insecurity is what he felt, I can't help. I have done all I can, I can't possibly give up all my friends.
From Day One he knew me, 90% of my friends have been guys.
And, he knew he was wrong, but he said he simply can't help it and term it as 'That's just being me, I can't change'.
Probably because of your adamant self beliefs that problems are generally solvable and you have much endurance to spare; your seemingly lack of drive to initiate yourself out of this relationship might to be due to a ironic situation where you feel that you haven't find enough reason to coerce yourself to leave, although they are blatant reasons to. (This is a karmic phenomenon known to CloUdiSm as Frog Theory X Fixedly).
Seriously, it doesn't really matter how much 'well-intended' reasoning someone else can put across - you don't really need those; what you require is simply just a decision and to stick with it. Either to walk away permanently or to change the circumstances of your relationship.
You must understand this: you can even walk away without a reason, if you are really bend on leaving. If you are firm on staying, nothing can make you go. For Love is freewill and emotional bondage are usually karmic by nature.
And all the angles and perspectives are actually barriers that hinder movements to freedom. Some people don't realize this: to bury themselves with all sort of angles and perspectives, by rationalizing that it is important to avoid making mistakes and having regrets in the future, is often the introduction of stagnation. Taking calculated moves are reasonable; but not when you are overly obsessed with the notion of fear, which ultimately immobilize you. Then the source of your angles and perspective are nothing but excuses for insecurity to thrive and the unconscious steps in employing avoidance tactics to evade existing problems.
You are resigned to the fact that your man wouldn't change, but subconsciously, you are waiting for an exception. You waited and waited - patience might be running out, but you could easily say that hope survived all adversity. Albeit, I say it's good to occupy your time and make life much more meaningful outside that of your ailing relationship, but you must also recognize that it is a facade to avoid confronting your relationship altogether and delaying the inevitable.
What do I mean by delaying the inevitable?
Should your relationship perish under major incompatibility, then it will surely manifest towards that direction, unless something drastic happen. Relationship only change, if humans evolved themselves. This ensures the long term positive development of a relationship and not resorting to short term measures to patch certain vulnerabilities for a limited period of time. The latter would be too prescriptive in problem-solving and is often ineffective because individual cosmic lessons are not mastered, thus reiterated lessons over and over again.
If a relationship is always a source of conflict, then the mark of wisdom would be to identity the real cusp of issue and evolve them.
Your man lives in a massive delusion; he thinks that his relationship is functioning well and flourishing. Although he sensed that something is not quite right somewhere in his kingdom, but like the Emperor's New Clothes, he somewhat believed that if he maintain this illusion of grandeur, things will just tide over somehow. He threatened you with break-up because it puts a full-stop to your approach in trying to dispel this illusion. And it works every time he play this trick, so that rules hardly change.
Your permission to succumb compromised the integrity of the relationship, thus sacrificing long term growth. Over a vast period of time, the relationship cracks and bleeds indefinitely.
Now you are completely lost in trying to mend the damage.
By yourself.
There is only so much discrimination, disrespect and suppression one can endure before burn-out occurs. 'That's just me and I can't change' attitude is pretty much self absorbed on his end too. But as a separate issue, your decision to choose him as your mate, with the misery that accompanied your choice, is surely part of your karmic circumstance to understand and learn certain abstract concept of Love.
If lost must occur before one could gain enlightenment, would you allow that growth by imparting the lesson of lost?
Sometimes, divorce is loving.(Ninth Law of Love).
Cheers
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
HR Crew X MRT Pasir Ris Station
Mel's legs are fairer than Linda's.
Ghastly!
P.S: Don't blame lighting. =D
Cheers
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Christian the Lion
Watch this and you will be amazed and so touched by how you could actually find human qualities in this lion.
And the relationship is vice versa - we could also find animalistic qualities in a human being. Astrology spoke of an unevolved Mars - the main culprit responsible for such causes, but it seemed like a combination of instrinsic and extrinsic influences that give rise to such negative human life condition.
Question is: which is more important: Nature or nurture?
Well, at least in this vid (adding strength to the nurture camp) to certain extend, nurture can indeed change circumstances and ultimately - destiny.
What do you think?
Cheers
And the relationship is vice versa - we could also find animalistic qualities in a human being. Astrology spoke of an unevolved Mars - the main culprit responsible for such causes, but it seemed like a combination of instrinsic and extrinsic influences that give rise to such negative human life condition.
Question is: which is more important: Nature or nurture?
Well, at least in this vid (adding strength to the nurture camp) to certain extend, nurture can indeed change circumstances and ultimately - destiny.
What do you think?
Cheers
Monday, July 21, 2008
LittleDragonGal
LittleDragonGal [小龙女] (My gaming facade)
LittleDragonGal in Action (Dota) - Please click.
People are just forcing me to use 九阴真经 to 大开杀戒.
TRIPLE KILL! =D
P.S: To read Chinese Character: please encode to Unicode (UTF-8).
Cheers
LittleDragonGal in Action (Dota) - Please click.
People are just forcing me to use 九阴真经 to 大开杀戒.
TRIPLE KILL! =D
P.S: To read Chinese Character: please encode to Unicode (UTF-8).
Cheers
Aunt Agony 200708
Originally posted by babydontgo:
Dear AA:
It all started out about 1 year back.. i went into a relationship, had those sweet times together and stuff.. my girl is fond of playing games and treats friends really important (i.e play games with friends online, etc) and she has alot of guy friends from the opposite sex, this i do not mind although my past relationship was a failure and due to a third party, i was quite insecure and restricted much things. then i moved on.. this relationship i somehow didnt restrict or mind all those normal just "boy" friends of hers. it moved on.. months by months not much of quarrels and just happy moments all the time, till one day i stumbled upon something which i shouldnt have saw, which is (dont ask me how i found out) the lies she told me, such as that she been playing games with her best friends and keeping me in the dark. i know it kind of sound stupid that she lied to me because she played games with her friends and kept things from me and im angry about it. its not about the content of the lie, but its just a lie is still a lie.
To me, i felt that she told me a lie shows how much our relationship means to her, as she could just talk things out like oh, im playing this and that.. i dont expect her to report things to me but, i'm a person who doesn't have many friends. sometimes i'm on msn with her and because she can't go out i always try to accompany her even when im online, but there she is playing and always ignoring me and stuff making me feel so neglected (even online).
I don't confide much into friends or anyone too, i just keep things to myself. I felt quite uneasy and i tend to start to show her attitude and drop some hints like "bored? then go play your this and that game, etc" I just think why i tried to put in so much effort into this relationship, being faithful, being always there when she needs me, i have never lied to her and she did this to me. Back then before i knew her too, i know she had an old flame, and i only knew he was in NAFA. Despite all those recent things that happened, sometime later she chosed withdrawed from JC ( she repeated JC1 again) and applied to go in NAFA. I felt rather insecure again.. One day she was with me, and her old flame msg her, saying "I think i cant go down NAFA to see you today, i have something on" i didn't purposely caught a glimpse but it so happenly i saw it, she quickly slide down her phone and thus closing the message. all these actions just made me really felt insecure.. i don't know what to do then..
I just kept thinking and thinking and I just can't take it that we started quarreling alot. I just kept thinking why doesn't her conscious prick her everytime we meet up or something, like as if she feel and look as though nothing really happened, although she doesn't know i knew about it all. I then thought to myself "how long is she gonna keep it from me?"
It slowly moved on, at the beginning i already knew she is someone who tends to keep things to herself, and not to share with me ( which is very bad ) so there I was trying to make her feel "open" to me as im willing to share problems with her, although i myself have problems. Whenever a problem, she always choose to avoid if not run away from it. Even i do wanna have a heart-to-heart talk she doesn't. Theres nothing i could do, and eventually it just fades away.. as I couldn't forget about the things she did, i chose to run too.
I eventually got close with a girl that is was in my class, chatted out hang out with her soon it became. Then i always ignored my girlfriend, and just kept showing her attitude while i still continued to hang out with that girl.. well i was really hoping just to forget "things" she done to me. like why do i deserve all these despite her knowing i hate people who lies and its really hard for me to trust her. there it went on, she not knowing everything and one day she found out all what i was doing.
She was so hardbroken and all.. I sunk even deeper into the new, as she grew to had "feelings" for me. I really dont know what to do, and life just went on for 6months. There my girl was suffering and hoping everyday that one day i'll just return to her. I already know its bad and i feel so disgusted with myself for doing all this to her, i tried to talk to the "new" and said stop continuing things like as in going out and hanging out together. but i didn't have the heart to break another girl's heart i let it drag, but many atimes i did said but eventually still went on seeing her. I still been meeting my girl throughout these 6months but we were considered "broken up" in the early of that 6months.
I really didn't know what i really went into, despite knowing it all.. Its just i don't wish to show my feelings to my girl that i still do love her, i put on a mask. Suddenly at her saddest moments, a guy she just met for 2weeks came into her life and she had just decided to let me go. She told me, and said was the last meeting of us.
Suddenly, i felt really uneasy, and uptight about it. I couldn't sleep. And i thought and i thought.. it really made me finally realise that she means alot to me not because i'm afraid she is letting go and hurting my "pride or something" -- thats what she thinks.
I finally decided to really "stop" everything, and decided to ask her back. I tried all i could, i did so much things.. but still. she still remained "i still want to be alone". I have faced it before and i know when a girl says this, means she wants to go with the other. she also told me that "she still loves me, but the feelings just changed"; a change of heart i know. I tried so much to want her back and really from the bottom of my heart i regretted it all but its no use and no point as whats done is done. Her friend whom i've been chatting to also said that from what he sees is she likes that new guy but just don't wanna break my heart. I really don't know what to do.. I still met up with her last week a few times, and i know she been meeting up with him too (she lied to us both whenever she wants to see whom)..
I just can't let her go, although my friends said she already moved on, and its hopeless now even if you do anything. I divulged into smoking alot, and even drinking almost every day and night. I slept like only 2-3hours per day, i just can't stop thinking, thinking of what i should do..
I am really lost, not even in the mood to study. I even thought of withdrawing from my poly first then serve NS, to not think about things. I know did all those stupid stuffs just to break her heart.. i'd really like to make up for it, and also don't wanna end this between us. I cant even forgive myself. But this saying goes "whats meant to be yours, will be yours" and "if you want her to be happy, let her go". I still told her "i would wait, even if you were to go with him"
But im really tired... and i dont know what to do... somebody help me please. no flames, i know i'm a jerk.
The problem with insecurity is that if you do not seek to resolve it, it will grow insidious and bring harm to your relationship because you are not emotionally stable with yourself to love another person.
If you are always seeking stability through the presence of a relationship, then your relationship is likely to crumble from the malicious vibes of insecurity. Having a life and friendships are actually vital to the overall longevity of a relationship - if there is an absence of the former, then a large part of your time will be spend deducing on her possible deception and worrying about the mundane.
Interestingly, your insecurity could reframe a context to fit your own logical equation: you said you stayed online to accompany her while she played games and you claimed that you were neglected. Of course, when she is engaging in her games, it's difficult to chat on msn at the same time, isn't it? Hence, she doesn't actually need your company much more than you need hers.
And the truth is that you wanted her to accompany you, not vice versa because you are the one feeling neglected.
When you encountered the new girl, your unconscious intention was to make use of her to divert your bitterness you felt in your relationship. The 'falling for you' scenario was calculated - you just needed the some chips to negotiate for a truce. But what sort of diplomancy could beget a postive outcome for an emotional affliction? When you resort to such a measure, you already paved your way to a route of misery that has already proven itself to be true.
Then when your woman started running after you, you began to like where you are - something to fall back on (your new girl), simultaneously, having your woman to exhibit more attention to you, thus increasing your dominance on your situation. Unfortunately, when you woman decide to move on, you couldn't hold the facade - dropped everything you have on hand and started re-pursuing her again.
Back to square one and blatantly a karmic relationship.
At the end of the day, you lost your relationship the same manner as you did in your previous relationship - death from insecurity. And I can tell you frankly that unless you seek to resolve this affliction, there is a high chance that you will reiterate the same circumstances over and over again.
For those who are unevolved, Love often presents painful lessons for graduation. You are hurt because you encountered your worst nightmare and should you use some wisdom to preview your relationship, you would have discover that if execute poor judgement in making certain decisions, at times, it may be difficult to retrace your route.
You need to heal yourself. Only then things will get better.
Don't dwell too much in alcohol and such, for it will get you nowhere, mimicking the unevolved way you handle your relationship. Take some time off to rest and recover - two wrong doesn't make one right; you need to pause for a moment to introspect and not move recklessly again.
Cheers
Dear AA:
It all started out about 1 year back.. i went into a relationship, had those sweet times together and stuff.. my girl is fond of playing games and treats friends really important (i.e play games with friends online, etc) and she has alot of guy friends from the opposite sex, this i do not mind although my past relationship was a failure and due to a third party, i was quite insecure and restricted much things. then i moved on.. this relationship i somehow didnt restrict or mind all those normal just "boy" friends of hers. it moved on.. months by months not much of quarrels and just happy moments all the time, till one day i stumbled upon something which i shouldnt have saw, which is (dont ask me how i found out) the lies she told me, such as that she been playing games with her best friends and keeping me in the dark. i know it kind of sound stupid that she lied to me because she played games with her friends and kept things from me and im angry about it. its not about the content of the lie, but its just a lie is still a lie.
To me, i felt that she told me a lie shows how much our relationship means to her, as she could just talk things out like oh, im playing this and that.. i dont expect her to report things to me but, i'm a person who doesn't have many friends. sometimes i'm on msn with her and because she can't go out i always try to accompany her even when im online, but there she is playing and always ignoring me and stuff making me feel so neglected (even online).
I don't confide much into friends or anyone too, i just keep things to myself. I felt quite uneasy and i tend to start to show her attitude and drop some hints like "bored? then go play your this and that game, etc" I just think why i tried to put in so much effort into this relationship, being faithful, being always there when she needs me, i have never lied to her and she did this to me. Back then before i knew her too, i know she had an old flame, and i only knew he was in NAFA. Despite all those recent things that happened, sometime later she chosed withdrawed from JC ( she repeated JC1 again) and applied to go in NAFA. I felt rather insecure again.. One day she was with me, and her old flame msg her, saying "I think i cant go down NAFA to see you today, i have something on" i didn't purposely caught a glimpse but it so happenly i saw it, she quickly slide down her phone and thus closing the message. all these actions just made me really felt insecure.. i don't know what to do then..
I just kept thinking and thinking and I just can't take it that we started quarreling alot. I just kept thinking why doesn't her conscious prick her everytime we meet up or something, like as if she feel and look as though nothing really happened, although she doesn't know i knew about it all. I then thought to myself "how long is she gonna keep it from me?"
It slowly moved on, at the beginning i already knew she is someone who tends to keep things to herself, and not to share with me ( which is very bad ) so there I was trying to make her feel "open" to me as im willing to share problems with her, although i myself have problems. Whenever a problem, she always choose to avoid if not run away from it. Even i do wanna have a heart-to-heart talk she doesn't. Theres nothing i could do, and eventually it just fades away.. as I couldn't forget about the things she did, i chose to run too.
I eventually got close with a girl that is was in my class, chatted out hang out with her soon it became. Then i always ignored my girlfriend, and just kept showing her attitude while i still continued to hang out with that girl.. well i was really hoping just to forget "things" she done to me. like why do i deserve all these despite her knowing i hate people who lies and its really hard for me to trust her. there it went on, she not knowing everything and one day she found out all what i was doing.
She was so hardbroken and all.. I sunk even deeper into the new, as she grew to had "feelings" for me. I really dont know what to do, and life just went on for 6months. There my girl was suffering and hoping everyday that one day i'll just return to her. I already know its bad and i feel so disgusted with myself for doing all this to her, i tried to talk to the "new" and said stop continuing things like as in going out and hanging out together. but i didn't have the heart to break another girl's heart i let it drag, but many atimes i did said but eventually still went on seeing her. I still been meeting my girl throughout these 6months but we were considered "broken up" in the early of that 6months.
I really didn't know what i really went into, despite knowing it all.. Its just i don't wish to show my feelings to my girl that i still do love her, i put on a mask. Suddenly at her saddest moments, a guy she just met for 2weeks came into her life and she had just decided to let me go. She told me, and said was the last meeting of us.
Suddenly, i felt really uneasy, and uptight about it. I couldn't sleep. And i thought and i thought.. it really made me finally realise that she means alot to me not because i'm afraid she is letting go and hurting my "pride or something" -- thats what she thinks.
I finally decided to really "stop" everything, and decided to ask her back. I tried all i could, i did so much things.. but still. she still remained "i still want to be alone". I have faced it before and i know when a girl says this, means she wants to go with the other. she also told me that "she still loves me, but the feelings just changed"; a change of heart i know. I tried so much to want her back and really from the bottom of my heart i regretted it all but its no use and no point as whats done is done. Her friend whom i've been chatting to also said that from what he sees is she likes that new guy but just don't wanna break my heart. I really don't know what to do.. I still met up with her last week a few times, and i know she been meeting up with him too (she lied to us both whenever she wants to see whom)..
I just can't let her go, although my friends said she already moved on, and its hopeless now even if you do anything. I divulged into smoking alot, and even drinking almost every day and night. I slept like only 2-3hours per day, i just can't stop thinking, thinking of what i should do..
I am really lost, not even in the mood to study. I even thought of withdrawing from my poly first then serve NS, to not think about things. I know did all those stupid stuffs just to break her heart.. i'd really like to make up for it, and also don't wanna end this between us. I cant even forgive myself. But this saying goes "whats meant to be yours, will be yours" and "if you want her to be happy, let her go". I still told her "i would wait, even if you were to go with him"
But im really tired... and i dont know what to do... somebody help me please. no flames, i know i'm a jerk.
The problem with insecurity is that if you do not seek to resolve it, it will grow insidious and bring harm to your relationship because you are not emotionally stable with yourself to love another person.
If you are always seeking stability through the presence of a relationship, then your relationship is likely to crumble from the malicious vibes of insecurity. Having a life and friendships are actually vital to the overall longevity of a relationship - if there is an absence of the former, then a large part of your time will be spend deducing on her possible deception and worrying about the mundane.
Interestingly, your insecurity could reframe a context to fit your own logical equation: you said you stayed online to accompany her while she played games and you claimed that you were neglected. Of course, when she is engaging in her games, it's difficult to chat on msn at the same time, isn't it? Hence, she doesn't actually need your company much more than you need hers.
And the truth is that you wanted her to accompany you, not vice versa because you are the one feeling neglected.
When you encountered the new girl, your unconscious intention was to make use of her to divert your bitterness you felt in your relationship. The 'falling for you' scenario was calculated - you just needed the some chips to negotiate for a truce. But what sort of diplomancy could beget a postive outcome for an emotional affliction? When you resort to such a measure, you already paved your way to a route of misery that has already proven itself to be true.
Then when your woman started running after you, you began to like where you are - something to fall back on (your new girl), simultaneously, having your woman to exhibit more attention to you, thus increasing your dominance on your situation. Unfortunately, when you woman decide to move on, you couldn't hold the facade - dropped everything you have on hand and started re-pursuing her again.
Back to square one and blatantly a karmic relationship.
At the end of the day, you lost your relationship the same manner as you did in your previous relationship - death from insecurity. And I can tell you frankly that unless you seek to resolve this affliction, there is a high chance that you will reiterate the same circumstances over and over again.
For those who are unevolved, Love often presents painful lessons for graduation. You are hurt because you encountered your worst nightmare and should you use some wisdom to preview your relationship, you would have discover that if execute poor judgement in making certain decisions, at times, it may be difficult to retrace your route.
You need to heal yourself. Only then things will get better.
Don't dwell too much in alcohol and such, for it will get you nowhere, mimicking the unevolved way you handle your relationship. Take some time off to rest and recover - two wrong doesn't make one right; you need to pause for a moment to introspect and not move recklessly again.
Cheers
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
New Term
Damn - my laptop went berserk and unofficially, I had a day break from work miraculously. Finally had time to clear the lowest priority stuff, labeled according to my discretion.
Cleared my tables. New term means new books means around term of mugging. Fortunately, I took Psychology and Lifespan module in my previous semester - this term should be a breeze. I looked at my insane schedule and realized that it was indeed a darn wise decision.
I) Have been subtly working on Project CloUdiSm in bits and pieces - kinda took me away from Aunt Agony for a while (after all, topics have been lot quieter these days and my time is really tight - well, I told Chief and he totally understands and is pretty cool about it). Hence, I finally had time to complete Melvin's astrological analysis. Hiak!
II) Mass Dance. Need to choreo another 4-eights, as well as the beginning formation to complete beat it. Mel, if you are reading this - would need your help to cut and paste two songs for me. =)
III) My bag of card tricks (or rather videos) sits quietly in front of me. Ok I know I need to allocate some precious time to it.
IV) Told Mohan I needed to restore back to PLAB fitness level. Possible?
V) Panel testimonial. Another project for CF meeting. Have to write the script out for my part.
Sigh. I don't know if I can take on production show/s like Oschool recital, but looking at my situation, I think it may not be wise to.
I need more gruesome dance training. ROAR!
Random shot taken in Swensen after Yamaha performance.
Cheers
Cleared my tables. New term means new books means around term of mugging. Fortunately, I took Psychology and Lifespan module in my previous semester - this term should be a breeze. I looked at my insane schedule and realized that it was indeed a darn wise decision.
I) Have been subtly working on Project CloUdiSm in bits and pieces - kinda took me away from Aunt Agony for a while (after all, topics have been lot quieter these days and my time is really tight - well, I told Chief and he totally understands and is pretty cool about it). Hence, I finally had time to complete Melvin's astrological analysis. Hiak!
II) Mass Dance. Need to choreo another 4-eights, as well as the beginning formation to complete beat it. Mel, if you are reading this - would need your help to cut and paste two songs for me. =)
III) My bag of card tricks (or rather videos) sits quietly in front of me. Ok I know I need to allocate some precious time to it.
IV) Told Mohan I needed to restore back to PLAB fitness level. Possible?
V) Panel testimonial. Another project for CF meeting. Have to write the script out for my part.
Sigh. I don't know if I can take on production show/s like Oschool recital, but looking at my situation, I think it may not be wise to.
I need more gruesome dance training. ROAR!
Random shot taken in Swensen after Yamaha performance.
Cheers
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Lost Youth
Read about the case of the NSF who was charged with illegal possession of firearms and bullets, as it stole it effortlessly from his SAF camp just before his ORD.
It was sad.
But beyond that lingering cloud of sadness, lies some of the greatest thought provoking understanding of how an individual, without the belief of freewill, would simply be buried under the felonious chain of karmic debts, seemingly without an avenue to break through and achieve liberty.
In Nichiren Buddhism, it simply means not enlighten to one’s Buddha’s nature, inherent in all human beings.
The article reads from H2 – “Perfect boyfriend to man with a mission to kill.” CloUdiSm would have state that this perfect boyfriend-to-be is but compensated-behaviour from the lack of love during his early childhood and beyond, in order to secure an alternative dimension of security built onto an unstable platform of Love. It is relatively unstable in his case because the interior of his personality and development certainly allows many waves of unforgiving cosmic lesson to rain upon him like sharp crystal shards.
Those who pursue love are inescapable to the fact of self loving is of greater importance than exuded affection, for if the former is afflicted, it’s like a car without a screwed engine – you can’t go for miles even if that’s what you desire.
Do you even have a chance to overcome such a hostile environment if you are the man himself?
Freewill is difficult to expound to those who are buried beneath ten thousands stone slab worth of negativity. I remembered once I dialogue with someone and told him that the concept of hell does not lies with afterlife – in fact, one can easily find hell on earth - the hell that exist in our environment. Interestingly, when we are so warped by this hell on Earth, who bothers about what’s going on after death and the decision made to send man between Heaven or Hell?
I loved how Justice Tay encouraged him: To everything there is a season. There was a time when you loved, there came a time when you hated. There was a time when you felt you wanted to kill, now is the time for you to heal. There was a time you were broken down, now is the time to build yourself up. There was a time when you were at war in your being, now is the time to restore peace within.
This is Human Revolution.
One must learn to change from within, to see a gradual effect in the external environment and to walk away from war is to find peace inside.
When the Lotus Sutra was expounded - light was cast right into the deepest of Avichi hell. Perhaps the self component, despite how afflicted we have developed, has the power to regenerate itself.
And there was always hope – the last quality that came out of Pandora Box.
P.S: Read the outcome at: http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest%2BNews/Courts%2Band%2BCrime/STIStory_255454.html
Cheers
It was sad.
But beyond that lingering cloud of sadness, lies some of the greatest thought provoking understanding of how an individual, without the belief of freewill, would simply be buried under the felonious chain of karmic debts, seemingly without an avenue to break through and achieve liberty.
In Nichiren Buddhism, it simply means not enlighten to one’s Buddha’s nature, inherent in all human beings.
The article reads from H2 – “Perfect boyfriend to man with a mission to kill.” CloUdiSm would have state that this perfect boyfriend-to-be is but compensated-behaviour from the lack of love during his early childhood and beyond, in order to secure an alternative dimension of security built onto an unstable platform of Love. It is relatively unstable in his case because the interior of his personality and development certainly allows many waves of unforgiving cosmic lesson to rain upon him like sharp crystal shards.
Those who pursue love are inescapable to the fact of self loving is of greater importance than exuded affection, for if the former is afflicted, it’s like a car without a screwed engine – you can’t go for miles even if that’s what you desire.
Do you even have a chance to overcome such a hostile environment if you are the man himself?
Freewill is difficult to expound to those who are buried beneath ten thousands stone slab worth of negativity. I remembered once I dialogue with someone and told him that the concept of hell does not lies with afterlife – in fact, one can easily find hell on earth - the hell that exist in our environment. Interestingly, when we are so warped by this hell on Earth, who bothers about what’s going on after death and the decision made to send man between Heaven or Hell?
I loved how Justice Tay encouraged him: To everything there is a season. There was a time when you loved, there came a time when you hated. There was a time when you felt you wanted to kill, now is the time for you to heal. There was a time you were broken down, now is the time to build yourself up. There was a time when you were at war in your being, now is the time to restore peace within.
This is Human Revolution.
One must learn to change from within, to see a gradual effect in the external environment and to walk away from war is to find peace inside.
When the Lotus Sutra was expounded - light was cast right into the deepest of Avichi hell. Perhaps the self component, despite how afflicted we have developed, has the power to regenerate itself.
And there was always hope – the last quality that came out of Pandora Box.
P.S: Read the outcome at: http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest%2BNews/Courts%2Band%2BCrime/STIStory_255454.html
Cheers
Monday, July 07, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Saturday, July 05, 2008
The Power of Nobody
A certain VP (Vice President) just came up to me yesterday and our conversation goes something like this:
'You are Mark right?'
'Yup, what's sup?'
'You are taking Social Work in UNISIM right?'
'Yeah'
'Next time when you come down to Cuppage, let's lunch together - I have things to consult you.'
I was totally taken aback. I recalled having lunch with him and Shirley in AR and found him very easy-going and a real fatherly figure. We talked previously and I did share what am I doing and such, but never had I realize that I had subtly influenced his decision to pursue the same path as I did.
'Ya, he wants to take the same course as Mark. You know, in that sense, Mark will be his senior,' said Danny when I told him after my conversation with the certain VP ended.
Madness.
J0kingly and causally, I told the certain VP, 'you know, it's too big of a crime for me to bear if I were to influence you and steal a VP away from your dept into social work.'
We laughed.
Then I asked: 'why the suddenly interest in Social Work?'
Then he explained it as the calling of God - to lead a real Christian life to serve his father above. And he said something that stuck me deeply:
'A real Christian is not just a person who goes to Church every Sunday. That does not constitute a real Christian.'
Woah. Coming from a person who only accepted Christ for a few years to say that: impressive.
I warned him that as a VP entering into social work; it is a freaking (and I mean freaking) drastic pay cut adjustment to make, as comparing to me. Imagine five-digit figures going down to mid four digit pay (or even less). That sacrifice might prove a little too tough to swallow - especially since he has two kids, a wife and his financial liability to consider. For the certain VP who has pretty successfully climbed much of the corporate ladder (and could still climb) - to change direction in life and pursue something really different takes more than just courage to initiate.
Albeit we are of different faith, but our underlying motivation is very much the same - life is certainly more than just being a typical Singaporean.
I loved meeting people and sharing thoughts - thus it's amazing even to find someone outside our societal 'thought system' in my field, which is a good thing.
For a nobody to influence a somebody - man... I must be a somebody. =D
Cheers
'You are Mark right?'
'Yup, what's sup?'
'You are taking Social Work in UNISIM right?'
'Yeah'
'Next time when you come down to Cuppage, let's lunch together - I have things to consult you.'
I was totally taken aback. I recalled having lunch with him and Shirley in AR and found him very easy-going and a real fatherly figure. We talked previously and I did share what am I doing and such, but never had I realize that I had subtly influenced his decision to pursue the same path as I did.
'Ya, he wants to take the same course as Mark. You know, in that sense, Mark will be his senior,' said Danny when I told him after my conversation with the certain VP ended.
Madness.
J0kingly and causally, I told the certain VP, 'you know, it's too big of a crime for me to bear if I were to influence you and steal a VP away from your dept into social work.'
We laughed.
Then I asked: 'why the suddenly interest in Social Work?'
Then he explained it as the calling of God - to lead a real Christian life to serve his father above. And he said something that stuck me deeply:
'A real Christian is not just a person who goes to Church every Sunday. That does not constitute a real Christian.'
Woah. Coming from a person who only accepted Christ for a few years to say that: impressive.
I warned him that as a VP entering into social work; it is a freaking (and I mean freaking) drastic pay cut adjustment to make, as comparing to me. Imagine five-digit figures going down to mid four digit pay (or even less). That sacrifice might prove a little too tough to swallow - especially since he has two kids, a wife and his financial liability to consider. For the certain VP who has pretty successfully climbed much of the corporate ladder (and could still climb) - to change direction in life and pursue something really different takes more than just courage to initiate.
Albeit we are of different faith, but our underlying motivation is very much the same - life is certainly more than just being a typical Singaporean.
I loved meeting people and sharing thoughts - thus it's amazing even to find someone outside our societal 'thought system' in my field, which is a good thing.
For a nobody to influence a somebody - man... I must be a somebody. =D
Cheers
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Walk Away
I just fucking feel like getting out for a while.
Maybe a long while. Real while.
Enough to guide sanity back... at least.
I witnessed what I hated returning; like a boomerang.
Now truly, I have every reason to abhor the quarterly Saturn Return's effect.
Yunhaier - please fuck off for a moment.
Maybe a long while. Real while.
Enough to guide sanity back... at least.
I witnessed what I hated returning; like a boomerang.
Now truly, I have every reason to abhor the quarterly Saturn Return's effect.
Yunhaier - please fuck off for a moment.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Aunt Agony 240608
Originally posted by confused heart:
its been years since we broke up... i left her cos we had too much quarrels...
now, we each live our seperate lives... each attached to our own partners...
she's with the guy whom appeared when our relationship were nearing the end..
i hate myself for letting her go.. till this day, i cant forgive myself
i dream of her every now and then and it really hurts me till this day when i wake up from such dreams...
its like i can never let go... its like a part of my heart is dead ... its with her ..
i cant love my current partner whole heartedly but i cant let her know the truth
it hurts too that i say "i love you" when deep inside, i know its not completely
i hate to have to lie for the rest of my life...
i cant turn to my friends anymore... they all say the same thing ,
let her go if you really love her, its over, stop holding to the past
i know all these but my heart just fail me when i try to get over it
i really hope time will heal, because it has not till today..
or will it be the regret that will follow me for the rest of my life?
i really dunno... sometimes i feel like running away from everything but i know i cant run away from this feeling... i want to face it but i don't know how to...
i know i need help but there's no one i can turn to anymore...
it's all my fault.. my fault... i cant forgive myself for letting her go to someone else..
Fixidity.
Too much of that element fuels the inability to be adaptable and too much endurance to burn.
That's probably one of the top few gross misconception people often have about Love - they reason to themselves that if they remain unchanged till the very end, it probably suggested that their Love is the ultimate truth.
However, there's a clause in this belief; it's only when Love is mutual. In all other cases, it's almost karmic - like a devil lurking behind the stone idol.
And the latter is simply narcissistic.
Before people begin to congregate in this topic and start preaching perseverence in being narcissistic in Love, allow me to throw a question (as well as to the floor): why do you even think that your brand of Love is the greatest of all and that she has no one else but you to accept this lifetime?
In short: who are you?
The truth is that you love yourself the most; insofar you don't exactly consider the other person's growth and perspective as much as your own indulgence in possessing the other person, like some insatiable hunger. You are feeling so much pain and misery is because of your refusal to understand that your 'perceived Love' is based on a superficial belief of harbouring a non-existing relationship.
It amazed me at how you could felt so anguish about the failure of your previous relationship, yet the crisis has taught you absolutely nothing beneficial to implement into your current relationship, other than this senseless pinning for a lost cause. You ought to keep the memory of your failure to strive towards a brighter future in all aspect of Love and not dwell so much in your own intense emotions till it misled you into this whirlpool of depression and a confused state of mind.
If you cannot handle it, then avoid putting yourself in such a predicament. Learn to release yourself from this emotional bondage and live a free man.
You can only move if you enlighten yourself the reason to move. And the reason to move cannot come from others - it has to be from within.
Cheers
its been years since we broke up... i left her cos we had too much quarrels...
now, we each live our seperate lives... each attached to our own partners...
she's with the guy whom appeared when our relationship were nearing the end..
i hate myself for letting her go.. till this day, i cant forgive myself
i dream of her every now and then and it really hurts me till this day when i wake up from such dreams...
its like i can never let go... its like a part of my heart is dead ... its with her ..
i cant love my current partner whole heartedly but i cant let her know the truth
it hurts too that i say "i love you" when deep inside, i know its not completely
i hate to have to lie for the rest of my life...
i cant turn to my friends anymore... they all say the same thing ,
let her go if you really love her, its over, stop holding to the past
i know all these but my heart just fail me when i try to get over it
i really hope time will heal, because it has not till today..
or will it be the regret that will follow me for the rest of my life?
i really dunno... sometimes i feel like running away from everything but i know i cant run away from this feeling... i want to face it but i don't know how to...
i know i need help but there's no one i can turn to anymore...
it's all my fault.. my fault... i cant forgive myself for letting her go to someone else..
Fixidity.
Too much of that element fuels the inability to be adaptable and too much endurance to burn.
That's probably one of the top few gross misconception people often have about Love - they reason to themselves that if they remain unchanged till the very end, it probably suggested that their Love is the ultimate truth.
However, there's a clause in this belief; it's only when Love is mutual. In all other cases, it's almost karmic - like a devil lurking behind the stone idol.
And the latter is simply narcissistic.
Before people begin to congregate in this topic and start preaching perseverence in being narcissistic in Love, allow me to throw a question (as well as to the floor): why do you even think that your brand of Love is the greatest of all and that she has no one else but you to accept this lifetime?
In short: who are you?
The truth is that you love yourself the most; insofar you don't exactly consider the other person's growth and perspective as much as your own indulgence in possessing the other person, like some insatiable hunger. You are feeling so much pain and misery is because of your refusal to understand that your 'perceived Love' is based on a superficial belief of harbouring a non-existing relationship.
It amazed me at how you could felt so anguish about the failure of your previous relationship, yet the crisis has taught you absolutely nothing beneficial to implement into your current relationship, other than this senseless pinning for a lost cause. You ought to keep the memory of your failure to strive towards a brighter future in all aspect of Love and not dwell so much in your own intense emotions till it misled you into this whirlpool of depression and a confused state of mind.
If you cannot handle it, then avoid putting yourself in such a predicament. Learn to release yourself from this emotional bondage and live a free man.
You can only move if you enlighten yourself the reason to move. And the reason to move cannot come from others - it has to be from within.
Cheers
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Yamaha X HR Crew
HR Crew inaugural public performance. Thanks Mingli for allowing us the opportunity to work with Yamaha. I would also like to congratulate HR Crew for having the first batch of male youths to invade the studio (which causes incessant outburst by the parents and school head).
And of course - our first project fund! Yay!
And of course - our first project fund! Yay!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
KO Night (14 Jun 08)
Random shot @ Hong Kong Cafe.
KO Night last Saturday.
Saw Gosh's battling on youtube. Great, he improved quite abit.
Looking forward to KO Night Finals (Hilty and Bousch coming!)
Cheers
Aunt Agony 190608
Originally posted by delores:
I married him for 8 yrs. We had 2 beautiful kids. To everyone, I was the lucky girl to marry a handsome,charming hubby whose family is quite well to do. then the 2 children. A girl followed by a boy are making a lot of people envy. People like my neighbours are wondering.. a plain jane like me is so fortunate. life is good for me.
No one knew we had an open relationship. He is indeed very charming as a friend , a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
He loves to fling. Right from the start till now... it had been 10 long years. I thought I could just close one eye to it. I conhabit with him, got pregnant then a shot gun marriage at early 20s . Now I am coming to 30. I changed, he did not , he is still the same old guy whom I knew 10 yrs ago. His list of flings became longer, cos new flings are always added to the list and the old list remained.
I am surprised. Some flings are indeed challenging, some girls wanted to let me know that they are around, some girls just want to have the flings even accomodate to his needs and wants. He did not pay for them or pay for their living like some guys did. But the flings just love him. He got the charm to have the free fXXk.
I am confused and tired. He wanted the family and also his flirting ways. I scared of the diseases that he may brought back to the family. He loves the excitement of meeting new girls. This is something I cant do.
I love him till this moment but I dunno what I shld do.
I am terrified of these girls. I am also scared of getting hurt somemore, 10 yrs is enough. I dun want to wait for him at home while he go out and fXXk those girls. This type of pain is really getting unbearable. I know some may tell me in this reality world which guy dun fling. Maybe there is really a minority of guys who are really faithful when they are in the relationship. I dun want to be a bitchy wife who fight with other woman over my hubby. If it belongs to u, it will be yours.
I really dunno how to hold on to this relationship, he said he doesnt know how to love and what is love. So what am I doing in this relationship for the past 10 yrs.
He say he was trapped to the marriage because of the baby.
I wanted to return his freedom back to him, shld I ?
There is a saying if you love somebody, you shld let him be happy.
So if I returned his freedom to him, he will be happy i suppose.
I am a loser rite?
By now, you would have harshly learn that a marriage cannot change a man unless he is willing to allow his marriage to change him. And I can ask you: why should he change? Just because he is married?
That's already very naive to begin with.
The women that flocked to him projected one typical structure of Love's cosmic lesson - of uncommitment and unavailability. CloUdiSm states 'we attract the quality we exude' - hence, those who are unavailable or uncommitted themselves attracts mates that demonstrate such personality. This is the essential reason why your man continues to attract slattern simply because he hasn't evolved his spirit and personality.
You willingly chose a man that cannot remain faithful and an evolutionist psychologist would claim that Natural Selection (his ability to better provide the environment or genes component for replication) overwhelmed all factors in love. It's no wonder you are suffering in your marriage because at you sow the cause of wrong reason for marriage and thus effecting the law of causation, channeled through this karmic relationship.
I can pinpoint to you how this vicious cycle persist with the absence of wisdom and higher self awareness:
Originally posted by delores:
[Quote] I came from a divorce family, I hated it when the teacher in class asked me...every yr when they ask personal details at the beginning of each yr. Then it become a topic .u need to explain every yr [unquote]
You loathed the chaos in your early childhood years. You reckoned that you have already moved on from that episode, but I can tell you that this history still binds you till this very day, like an unbreakable adamantine chain. What happens is that you probably chose an escapist route in your developmental stages in Love. You are at no wrong to desire a warm home, happy family with lovely children and husband, but you are missing one critical ingredient to manifest this dream into reality.
It is the Self.
How can such fulfillment be attained without first changing the self component, which has been mutilated and distorted through the passing of time and the negativity of one's environment? One will not be able to find a home in the external world without first seeking to find a home in the internal realm. Love, as pristine as it can get, is an unadulterated innate energy coming from within - which is why a miserable person, thinking that Love is going to save him/her, despite being in different environment, still ends up being miserable because that sort of union is often for reasons outside 'Love'.
In summary of the entire mambo jambo above: you are simply paying your guts off your lack of wisdom and enlightenment of yourself & in areas of Love and certain essential Love cosmic lessons that wasn't mastered previously. Your fixedly nature (worst if Taurus, Scorpio, Leo or Aquarius) also lockdown your ability to make decision for yourself to get out of misery, mimicking your earlier childhood experience of learned helplessness.
Just as you initially wanted to flee from your chaotic home environment, hoping to make a fresh start with your marriage to construct an ideal family, you end up recreating your earlier chaos.
Irony isn't it?
And trust me, he won't divorce you. Why should he give up a woman who can tolerate his promiscuous ways? LIke you, when the day he give up spreading his seeds randomly, at least he still knows that there is somebody back at home waiting for him. Your man isn't stupid, he knows that if he converts free fuck into committed fuck, it is going to cost him much more.
And no, he is not thinking about your emotional well-being. Why?
Because your relationship begins from an open relationship. Therefore, you set your foot the exact same way as how all these women began and all these women loved him for the same reasons you did. The rule of uncommitment does not take emotional well-being into consideration because this is how an open relationship is being played: mutual exchange of needs. Period.
He made a mistake - he got you pregnant.
He learned. Now he won't make the mistake twice.
I think you need to anchor your life into something deeper. To find meaning outside that of your relationship and for once, get to know and rediscover yourself.
You must find an answer from within to move forward and not remain stagnant at where you are. If interested, I can PM/share with you my Buddhist practice that might be able to achieve just that.
Cheers
I married him for 8 yrs. We had 2 beautiful kids. To everyone, I was the lucky girl to marry a handsome,charming hubby whose family is quite well to do. then the 2 children. A girl followed by a boy are making a lot of people envy. People like my neighbours are wondering.. a plain jane like me is so fortunate. life is good for me.
No one knew we had an open relationship. He is indeed very charming as a friend , a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
He loves to fling. Right from the start till now... it had been 10 long years. I thought I could just close one eye to it. I conhabit with him, got pregnant then a shot gun marriage at early 20s . Now I am coming to 30. I changed, he did not , he is still the same old guy whom I knew 10 yrs ago. His list of flings became longer, cos new flings are always added to the list and the old list remained.
I am surprised. Some flings are indeed challenging, some girls wanted to let me know that they are around, some girls just want to have the flings even accomodate to his needs and wants. He did not pay for them or pay for their living like some guys did. But the flings just love him. He got the charm to have the free fXXk.
I am confused and tired. He wanted the family and also his flirting ways. I scared of the diseases that he may brought back to the family. He loves the excitement of meeting new girls. This is something I cant do.
I love him till this moment but I dunno what I shld do.
I am terrified of these girls. I am also scared of getting hurt somemore, 10 yrs is enough. I dun want to wait for him at home while he go out and fXXk those girls. This type of pain is really getting unbearable. I know some may tell me in this reality world which guy dun fling. Maybe there is really a minority of guys who are really faithful when they are in the relationship. I dun want to be a bitchy wife who fight with other woman over my hubby. If it belongs to u, it will be yours.
I really dunno how to hold on to this relationship, he said he doesnt know how to love and what is love. So what am I doing in this relationship for the past 10 yrs.
He say he was trapped to the marriage because of the baby.
I wanted to return his freedom back to him, shld I ?
There is a saying if you love somebody, you shld let him be happy.
So if I returned his freedom to him, he will be happy i suppose.
I am a loser rite?
By now, you would have harshly learn that a marriage cannot change a man unless he is willing to allow his marriage to change him. And I can ask you: why should he change? Just because he is married?
That's already very naive to begin with.
The women that flocked to him projected one typical structure of Love's cosmic lesson - of uncommitment and unavailability. CloUdiSm states 'we attract the quality we exude' - hence, those who are unavailable or uncommitted themselves attracts mates that demonstrate such personality. This is the essential reason why your man continues to attract slattern simply because he hasn't evolved his spirit and personality.
You willingly chose a man that cannot remain faithful and an evolutionist psychologist would claim that Natural Selection (his ability to better provide the environment or genes component for replication) overwhelmed all factors in love. It's no wonder you are suffering in your marriage because at you sow the cause of wrong reason for marriage and thus effecting the law of causation, channeled through this karmic relationship.
I can pinpoint to you how this vicious cycle persist with the absence of wisdom and higher self awareness:
Originally posted by delores:
[Quote] I came from a divorce family, I hated it when the teacher in class asked me...every yr when they ask personal details at the beginning of each yr. Then it become a topic .u need to explain every yr [unquote]
You loathed the chaos in your early childhood years. You reckoned that you have already moved on from that episode, but I can tell you that this history still binds you till this very day, like an unbreakable adamantine chain. What happens is that you probably chose an escapist route in your developmental stages in Love. You are at no wrong to desire a warm home, happy family with lovely children and husband, but you are missing one critical ingredient to manifest this dream into reality.
It is the Self.
How can such fulfillment be attained without first changing the self component, which has been mutilated and distorted through the passing of time and the negativity of one's environment? One will not be able to find a home in the external world without first seeking to find a home in the internal realm. Love, as pristine as it can get, is an unadulterated innate energy coming from within - which is why a miserable person, thinking that Love is going to save him/her, despite being in different environment, still ends up being miserable because that sort of union is often for reasons outside 'Love'.
In summary of the entire mambo jambo above: you are simply paying your guts off your lack of wisdom and enlightenment of yourself & in areas of Love and certain essential Love cosmic lessons that wasn't mastered previously. Your fixedly nature (worst if Taurus, Scorpio, Leo or Aquarius) also lockdown your ability to make decision for yourself to get out of misery, mimicking your earlier childhood experience of learned helplessness.
Just as you initially wanted to flee from your chaotic home environment, hoping to make a fresh start with your marriage to construct an ideal family, you end up recreating your earlier chaos.
Irony isn't it?
And trust me, he won't divorce you. Why should he give up a woman who can tolerate his promiscuous ways? LIke you, when the day he give up spreading his seeds randomly, at least he still knows that there is somebody back at home waiting for him. Your man isn't stupid, he knows that if he converts free fuck into committed fuck, it is going to cost him much more.
And no, he is not thinking about your emotional well-being. Why?
Because your relationship begins from an open relationship. Therefore, you set your foot the exact same way as how all these women began and all these women loved him for the same reasons you did. The rule of uncommitment does not take emotional well-being into consideration because this is how an open relationship is being played: mutual exchange of needs. Period.
He made a mistake - he got you pregnant.
He learned. Now he won't make the mistake twice.
I think you need to anchor your life into something deeper. To find meaning outside that of your relationship and for once, get to know and rediscover yourself.
You must find an answer from within to move forward and not remain stagnant at where you are. If interested, I can PM/share with you my Buddhist practice that might be able to achieve just that.
Cheers
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Aunt Agony 180608 (Continue from AA170608)
Originally posted by Tinkerbelle2008:
This is very true...maybe it is because this is my first time doing it as well? If you have been a virgin for the past 20 plus years, you would feel a bit nervous about doing it right? Especially when the people around you kept instigating that it is not right to do it now, plus the fear of unplanned pregnancy...all of them just complicate something which should be simple and uncomplicated.
The problem of intimacy.
Our society and culture teaches that it's 'wrong' to engage in pre-martial sex, but the education stops right there. (Because the topic is about couple in a marriage settling, I am eliminating the portion about the problem of sexually active young people completely). Our society and culture doesn't teach what's next after marriage because it seemed that sex just comes 'naturally or automatic', in which I will show you that it simply doesn't function as linear and blindly.
Truth number one: sex life doesn't become fulfilling JUST simply because of marriage. What you must recognise is that a marriage doesn't change the inner component of an individual - namely the mindset and self belief. Believe you me, there are enough women out there who have been reinforced continously by their environment that love making is 'bad' that it appears almost impossible to reverse this notion even after marriage. You are one perfect example - you are married and your anxiety heightens in face of close intimacy.
With all that negativity about intimacy, tell me how can one truly enjoy being close? Hardly. That's why many women are unable to enjoy intimacy as much as they would like to because of the self inflicted barriers they gave themselves.
Truth number two: some people believe that marriage can function without being intimate. In that same line of argument, I can tell you that a marriage can also function without mutual respect or in presence of neglect.
The biggest question remains: is that the life you want?
Marriage is but a mere shell. By itself, it is hollow and only by filling it up with representation of the individuals working for the relationship can it take shape. A relationship can be empty, yet the decision to remain together can still take effect. Therefore, In Love, you GROW three dimensions collectively: CloUdiSm states it as the physical, emotional and spiritual plane. You can't just try to grow the pie selectively because it creates an imbalance in the relationship (unless the relationship is spiritually very evolved to override, but this kind of relationships ain't as common).
My point is very simple: review your situation and try to understand about your own inner workings and decide if there's a need to alter or remove certain barriers, before you can advance to the next stage in Love.
P.S: Possible Saturn or other malefic planets afflicting significator of 5th/8th house. I.C could be strong and rooting (Check Moon?)
Cheers
This is very true...maybe it is because this is my first time doing it as well? If you have been a virgin for the past 20 plus years, you would feel a bit nervous about doing it right? Especially when the people around you kept instigating that it is not right to do it now, plus the fear of unplanned pregnancy...all of them just complicate something which should be simple and uncomplicated.
The problem of intimacy.
Our society and culture teaches that it's 'wrong' to engage in pre-martial sex, but the education stops right there. (Because the topic is about couple in a marriage settling, I am eliminating the portion about the problem of sexually active young people completely). Our society and culture doesn't teach what's next after marriage because it seemed that sex just comes 'naturally or automatic', in which I will show you that it simply doesn't function as linear and blindly.
Truth number one: sex life doesn't become fulfilling JUST simply because of marriage. What you must recognise is that a marriage doesn't change the inner component of an individual - namely the mindset and self belief. Believe you me, there are enough women out there who have been reinforced continously by their environment that love making is 'bad' that it appears almost impossible to reverse this notion even after marriage. You are one perfect example - you are married and your anxiety heightens in face of close intimacy.
With all that negativity about intimacy, tell me how can one truly enjoy being close? Hardly. That's why many women are unable to enjoy intimacy as much as they would like to because of the self inflicted barriers they gave themselves.
Truth number two: some people believe that marriage can function without being intimate. In that same line of argument, I can tell you that a marriage can also function without mutual respect or in presence of neglect.
The biggest question remains: is that the life you want?
Marriage is but a mere shell. By itself, it is hollow and only by filling it up with representation of the individuals working for the relationship can it take shape. A relationship can be empty, yet the decision to remain together can still take effect. Therefore, In Love, you GROW three dimensions collectively: CloUdiSm states it as the physical, emotional and spiritual plane. You can't just try to grow the pie selectively because it creates an imbalance in the relationship (unless the relationship is spiritually very evolved to override, but this kind of relationships ain't as common).
My point is very simple: review your situation and try to understand about your own inner workings and decide if there's a need to alter or remove certain barriers, before you can advance to the next stage in Love.
P.S: Possible Saturn or other malefic planets afflicting significator of 5th/8th house. I.C could be strong and rooting (Check Moon?)
Cheers
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