Aunt Agony 030808

Originally posted by shuibianni05:

Pretty surprised by the 'inferior Q'. I don't feel inferior than him. In fact, I don't feel inferior to anyone; each individual has our own lives, regardless of 'so-called' status, as long as we are happy, nothing really matters.

As for someone being better than him, I believe there are, but I don't do any comparisons as everyone is an unique individual. I do have friends telling me to break and that they will treat me better than he does. I just went ???.

But it all boils down to the fact that I do feel tired out from the relationship. How not to?

I have been 'babysitting' the guy for four years; every single thing that crops up in his life, I am the one settling it. He may want to do it his way, I do let him, but silently I have to come up with a back up solution because his ways will never work.

I serve as the counsellor for his personal and work communications problems, the legal counsel as well as the management advisor for his family business. His friends and family didn't know; whenever they ask about his business, he will happily said the business has perked up etc etc. I just remain silent; I never expect anything in return except respect.

If u are referring 'worth' in terms of my life, I do lead a happy life, excluding the part on my relationship. I have a career, great family and great friends; I still am furthering my studies part time and I have been active in volunteer work. Everyone, apart from him, knows me as bubbly and outgoing.

I have tried talking to him numerous times, but he is sticking by his own thinking.

He felt that all he did is right; and most times will put his ridiculous ways as being stubborn, saying 'That's me. You know me.'

Financially he's not stable; after all, that's his father's business, whatever the business earns will go to the parents, not him. He's jus drawing a salary; below market rate.

Talking about finances, he will scold and make a big deal if I donate to charity; nowadays I just kept quiet about the donations stuff.

Same goes for if I give my parents allowances out of my salary.

I did fight for my decisions. Ultimately, he will pop the Q of 'Let's break off'; which will stop me from further 'discussion'.

I have never felt there is a need to 'break off' just because of minor issues. That's why I chose to remain silent; but seems that this 'break off' phrase has been popping up every now and then over the smallest of issues.

What's worst is that every two months, he will undergo a mood swing and starts feeling dejected and insists that our relationship has staled, 'froze', I am not caring and loving him enough etc. But he will be fine after a few days and apologise.

Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.

What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?

Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.

Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?

I also forego my chances of overseas study and overseas work attachment, to him, it's something I should do in order to 'continue' this relationship. He felt there's always give and take; I have to give up all the opportunities in order to 'appreciate' his love.

To join in his family gatherings is something I should do because his bro-in-law also joins in their gatherings.

No matter how his family demands me to do things, demands things from me, including taking the pda I jus bought, I have to give in, including bearing all the non-sensical insults. FYI, they don't call my by name, they call me by my address - the block number. He doesn't stop them and felt it's ok that they call me that.

On the other hand, he seldom joins in my family gatherings; he doesn't come my place often either; reason, he's afraid my mum will grill her on how's treating me.

Funny?

He doesn't send me to my doorstep to make sure I am safe, no matter how late it is, he send me to the block beside mine. Reason - He said he's lazy and tired. On the bright side, there's at least an 'improvement'. He used to jus drop me off at the carpark and I walked back myself, my block isn't connected to the carpark; it could be 4am, but still, ps walk back urself.

My 5 years-old niece cried and insists on buying a soft toy, costing 20 bucks, when we brought her out, he said she's a spoilt brat, that we all spoilt her rotten because her parents had passed away in an accident. FYI, my sis and bro-in-law died in a car accident when my niece was still young.

But, his 13yr old bro, cries and shouts and screams and jumps up and down when we don't get him the whole series of game cards, costing about 50 bucks, he said my bro is only 13 yrs old, he's still young, he's not spoilt, jus young, not matured yet, don't know how to think.

Are all guys like that? Or mine is just simply a 'special case'?

When his old flame text him at 3am, he felt he was 'needed', he needs to go down the next day and see her immediately. It's fine, maybe she really needs a company.

But, to the extent of forgetting I am in hospital? I was admitted the night his old flame text him; I told him my ward and bed no, he said he would pop by tomorrow. He remembered only after he had met his old flame and had a good night's sleep.

These problems started in the very first year; I have hung on and tried to solve.

But to him, talking out = let's break off.

What can I do? Each time I wanna talk, he'll said if it's so hard, then break off.

Break off is not a solution, that I understand; I just wanna a talk to solve things. But if he just simply doesn't wanna talk and use break off as a way to stop the talk, I really don't know what else I can try.

Whatever ways I can think of, I have tried.

Straight outburst at him to wake him - tried, he just felt I am crazy.

Wanna slap him to wake him - his response, ps slap me, but forget about waking me up.

Let him cool off, then have a good talk with him to make him realise what's wrong - tried, replied me with a 'Yes, Yes, I know', two months later 'back to normal'.

Disappearing Act - Tried, he went around looking for me at places where I mostly hang out, promising me everything, two months later, 'back to normal'.

Even my mum talked to him, she 'hijacked' him at the carpark; he went 'Yes, Yes, Auntie'; weeks later, back to normal.

When asked how stable is our relationship by friends, he will say it's actually very stable; good etc. But still, he will act up every now and then. When confronted on why act up when he felt it's stable, he just shrugged his shoulders.

I am trying to be logical; if what I am doing is considered logical.

My life used to revolve around him, and him only. I can stay at home jus to wait for his tex/call because he told me he would be meeting me. If he told me he wanna meet me for dinner, I would wait. The longest I waited was till 11pm, jus for a dinner with him.

My parents knew; they attempted to drag me out for dinner couple of times, trying to tempt me by suggesting that they will be going to my fave restaurant.

I lied; saying he would be coming soon. the moment they left, I changed my clothes and went out; loitering around and waiting at nearby blocks for him.

As time passed, I realised it was truly ridiculous of me. 'Waiting' became a part of my life, wait for dinner, wait for lunch, wait and wait and wait.

Due to the irregular meals, I came down with gastric 3 years ago.

Ultimately, I starting having my own plans, my own life, rather than revolve my life around him.

Through the years, I have became very independent, on the other hand, he has became reliant.

Deep down we both knew, our positions have interchanged. I used to be the one waiting and waiting while he's occupied with family, friends and work. Now, he's the one who's waiting because I am tied up in work, family, studies and friends.

If insecurity is what he felt, I can't help. I have done all I can, I can't possibly give up all my friends.

From Day One he knew me, 90% of my friends have been guys.

And, he knew he was wrong, but he said he simply can't help it and term it as 'That's just being me, I can't change'.




Probably because of your adamant self beliefs that problems are generally solvable and you have much endurance to spare; your seemingly lack of drive to initiate yourself out of this relationship might to be due to a ironic situation where you feel that you haven't find enough reason to coerce yourself to leave, although they are blatant reasons to. (This is a karmic phenomenon known to CloUdiSm as Frog Theory X Fixedly).

Seriously, it doesn't really matter how much 'well-intended' reasoning someone else can put across - you don't really need those; what you require is simply just a decision and to stick with it. Either to walk away permanently or to change the circumstances of your relationship.

You must understand this: you can even walk away without a reason, if you are really bend on leaving. If you are firm on staying, nothing can make you go. For Love is freewill and emotional bondage are usually karmic by nature.

And all the angles and perspectives are actually barriers that hinder movements to freedom. Some people don't realize this: to bury themselves with all sort of angles and perspectives, by rationalizing that it is important to avoid making mistakes and having regrets in the future, is often the introduction of stagnation. Taking calculated moves are reasonable; but not when you are overly obsessed with the notion of fear, which ultimately immobilize you. Then the source of your angles and perspective are nothing but excuses for insecurity to thrive and the unconscious steps in employing avoidance tactics to evade existing problems.

You are resigned to the fact that your man wouldn't change, but subconsciously, you are waiting for an exception. You waited and waited - patience might be running out, but you could easily say that hope survived all adversity. Albeit, I say it's good to occupy your time and make life much more meaningful outside that of your ailing relationship, but you must also recognize that it is a facade to avoid confronting your relationship altogether and delaying the inevitable.

What do I mean by delaying the inevitable?

Should your relationship perish under major incompatibility, then it will surely manifest towards that direction, unless something drastic happen. Relationship only change, if humans evolved themselves. This ensures the long term positive development of a relationship and not resorting to short term measures to patch certain vulnerabilities for a limited period of time. The latter would be too prescriptive in problem-solving and is often ineffective because individual cosmic lessons are not mastered, thus reiterated lessons over and over again.

If a relationship is always a source of conflict, then the mark of wisdom would be to identity the real cusp of issue and evolve them.

Your man lives in a massive delusion; he thinks that his relationship is functioning well and flourishing. Although he sensed that something is not quite right somewhere in his kingdom, but like the Emperor's New Clothes, he somewhat believed that if he maintain this illusion of grandeur, things will just tide over somehow. He threatened you with break-up because it puts a full-stop to your approach in trying to dispel this illusion. And it works every time he play this trick, so that rules hardly change.

Your permission to succumb compromised the integrity of the relationship, thus sacrificing long term growth. Over a vast period of time, the relationship cracks and bleeds indefinitely.

Now you are completely lost in trying to mend the damage.

By yourself.

There is only so much discrimination, disrespect and suppression one can endure before burn-out occurs. 'That's just me and I can't change' attitude is pretty much self absorbed on his end too. But as a separate issue, your decision to choose him as your mate, with the misery that accompanied your choice, is surely part of your karmic circumstance to understand and learn certain abstract concept of Love.

If lost must occur before one could gain enlightenment, would you allow that growth by imparting the lesson of lost?

Sometimes, divorce is loving.(Ninth Law of Love).

Cheers