Aunt Agony 200708

Originally posted by babydontgo:


Dear AA:

It all started out about 1 year back.. i went into a relationship, had those sweet times together and stuff.. my girl is fond of playing games and treats friends really important (i.e play games with friends online, etc) and she has alot of guy friends from the opposite sex, this i do not mind although my past relationship was a failure and due to a third party, i was quite insecure and restricted much things. then i moved on.. this relationship i somehow didnt restrict or mind all those normal just "boy" friends of hers. it moved on.. months by months not much of quarrels and just happy moments all the time, till one day i stumbled upon something which i shouldnt have saw, which is (dont ask me how i found out) the lies she told me, such as that she been playing games with her best friends and keeping me in the dark. i know it kind of sound stupid that she lied to me because she played games with her friends and kept things from me and im angry about it. its not about the content of the lie, but its just a lie is still a lie.

To me, i felt that she told me a lie shows how much our relationship means to her, as she could just talk things out like oh, im playing this and that.. i dont expect her to report things to me but, i'm a person who doesn't have many friends. sometimes i'm on msn with her and because she can't go out i always try to accompany her even when im online, but there she is playing and always ignoring me and stuff making me feel so neglected (even online).

I don't confide much into friends or anyone too, i just keep things to myself. I felt quite uneasy and i tend to start to show her attitude and drop some hints like "bored? then go play your this and that game, etc" I just think why i tried to put in so much effort into this relationship, being faithful, being always there when she needs me, i have never lied to her and she did this to me. Back then before i knew her too, i know she had an old flame, and i only knew he was in NAFA. Despite all those recent things that happened, sometime later she chosed withdrawed from JC ( she repeated JC1 again) and applied to go in NAFA. I felt rather insecure again.. One day she was with me, and her old flame msg her, saying "I think i cant go down NAFA to see you today, i have something on" i didn't purposely caught a glimpse but it so happenly i saw it, she quickly slide down her phone and thus closing the message. all these actions just made me really felt insecure.. i don't know what to do then..

I just kept thinking and thinking and I just can't take it that we started quarreling alot. I just kept thinking why doesn't her conscious prick her everytime we meet up or something, like as if she feel and look as though nothing really happened, although she doesn't know i knew about it all. I then thought to myself "how long is she gonna keep it from me?"

It slowly moved on, at the beginning i already knew she is someone who tends to keep things to herself, and not to share with me ( which is very bad ) so there I was trying to make her feel "open" to me as im willing to share problems with her, although i myself have problems. Whenever a problem, she always choose to avoid if not run away from it. Even i do wanna have a heart-to-heart talk she doesn't. Theres nothing i could do, and eventually it just fades away.. as I couldn't forget about the things she did, i chose to run too.

I eventually got close with a girl that is was in my class, chatted out hang out with her soon it became. Then i always ignored my girlfriend, and just kept showing her attitude while i still continued to hang out with that girl.. well i was really hoping just to forget "things" she done to me. like why do i deserve all these despite her knowing i hate people who lies and its really hard for me to trust her. there it went on, she not knowing everything and one day she found out all what i was doing.

She was so hardbroken and all.. I sunk even deeper into the new, as she grew to had "feelings" for me. I really dont know what to do, and life just went on for 6months. There my girl was suffering and hoping everyday that one day i'll just return to her. I already know its bad and i feel so disgusted with myself for doing all this to her, i tried to talk to the "new" and said stop continuing things like as in going out and hanging out together. but i didn't have the heart to break another girl's heart i let it drag, but many atimes i did said but eventually still went on seeing her. I still been meeting my girl throughout these 6months but we were considered "broken up" in the early of that 6months.

I really didn't know what i really went into, despite knowing it all.. Its just i don't wish to show my feelings to my girl that i still do love her, i put on a mask. Suddenly at her saddest moments, a guy she just met for 2weeks came into her life and she had just decided to let me go. She told me, and said was the last meeting of us.

Suddenly, i felt really uneasy, and uptight about it. I couldn't sleep. And i thought and i thought.. it really made me finally realise that she means alot to me not because i'm afraid she is letting go and hurting my "pride or something" -- thats what she thinks.

I finally decided to really "stop" everything, and decided to ask her back. I tried all i could, i did so much things.. but still. she still remained "i still want to be alone". I have faced it before and i know when a girl says this, means she wants to go with the other. she also told me that "she still loves me, but the feelings just changed"; a change of heart i know. I tried so much to want her back and really from the bottom of my heart i regretted it all but its no use and no point as whats done is done. Her friend whom i've been chatting to also said that from what he sees is she likes that new guy but just don't wanna break my heart. I really don't know what to do.. I still met up with her last week a few times, and i know she been meeting up with him too (she lied to us both whenever she wants to see whom)..

I just can't let her go, although my friends said she already moved on, and its hopeless now even if you do anything. I divulged into smoking alot, and even drinking almost every day and night. I slept like only 2-3hours per day, i just can't stop thinking, thinking of what i should do..

I am really lost, not even in the mood to study. I even thought of withdrawing from my poly first then serve NS, to not think about things. I know did all those stupid stuffs just to break her heart.. i'd really like to make up for it, and also don't wanna end this between us. I cant even forgive myself. But this saying goes "whats meant to be yours, will be yours" and "if you want her to be happy, let her go". I still told her "i would wait, even if you were to go with him"

But im really tired... and i dont know what to do... somebody help me please. no flames, i know i'm a jerk.





The problem with insecurity is that if you do not seek to resolve it, it will grow insidious and bring harm to your relationship because you are not emotionally stable with yourself to love another person.

If you are always seeking stability through the presence of a relationship, then your relationship is likely to crumble from the malicious vibes of insecurity. Having a life and friendships are actually vital to the overall longevity of a relationship - if there is an absence of the former, then a large part of your time will be spend deducing on her possible deception and worrying about the mundane.

Interestingly, your insecurity could reframe a context to fit your own logical equation: you said you stayed online to accompany her while she played games and you claimed that you were neglected. Of course, when she is engaging in her games, it's difficult to chat on msn at the same time, isn't it? Hence, she doesn't actually need your company much more than you need hers.

And the truth is that you wanted her to accompany you, not vice versa because you are the one feeling neglected.

When you encountered the new girl, your unconscious intention was to make use of her to divert your bitterness you felt in your relationship. The 'falling for you' scenario was calculated - you just needed the some chips to negotiate for a truce. But what sort of diplomancy could beget a postive outcome for an emotional affliction? When you resort to such a measure, you already paved your way to a route of misery that has already proven itself to be true.

Then when your woman started running after you, you began to like where you are - something to fall back on (your new girl), simultaneously, having your woman to exhibit more attention to you, thus increasing your dominance on your situation. Unfortunately, when you woman decide to move on, you couldn't hold the facade - dropped everything you have on hand and started re-pursuing her again.

Back to square one and blatantly a karmic relationship.

At the end of the day, you lost your relationship the same manner as you did in your previous relationship - death from insecurity. And I can tell you frankly that unless you seek to resolve this affliction, there is a high chance that you will reiterate the same circumstances over and over again.

For those who are unevolved, Love often presents painful lessons for graduation. You are hurt because you encountered your worst nightmare and should you use some wisdom to preview your relationship, you would have discover that if execute poor judgement in making certain decisions, at times, it may be difficult to retrace your route.

You need to heal yourself. Only then things will get better.

Don't dwell too much in alcohol and such, for it will get you nowhere, mimicking the unevolved way you handle your relationship. Take some time off to rest and recover - two wrong doesn't make one right; you need to pause for a moment to introspect and not move recklessly again.

Cheers