11 Days - 1 Days

There are times where choices of words are limited and ironically superfluous.

I could only paint so much of these ten days with words, in which I could bring myself to type. Perhaps our train of thoughts could only move an inch when our realm of emotions had already travelled a mile away.

It's 3 more days.

However, I am at peace.

12 Days

It's time to wake up.

13 Days

The inaugural experience of walking you back home was the time when we were still dating. I recalled we were at bugis and you said it was walkable distance to your house.

Yeah right - everywhere in Singapore is walkable. Actually.

But that night, it wasn't just about walking - we were building a relationship.

Still in construction. No... not just yet.

And even when we are together, it has always been in construction - making things bigger, better and bolder.

Unfortunately, it's so much easier to destroy than to create from scratch.

Standing placidly at where I was, I witnessed with first-hand experience on how blocks, bricks, sand, mortar and all pillars of the relationship tumble and crumble simply from changes. I seen the goblin diggers, gleefully chipping right at the very heart and foundation of the relationship, causing instability and hoping it will collapse as a result.

Even if everything comes to total destruction and leveled to the ground, I will proclaim victory over my adversary. Even if you ruin my relationship, you will never break my spirit.

I will not only survive this ordeal, but the circumstances will ironically prove that this is the best outcome.

I will triumph.

14 Days

Thoughts Are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They're endowed with bodies,
breath and wings.
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.

That which we call our secret thoughts
Speeds forth to earth's most remote spot
Leaving its blessing or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes

We build our future, thought by thought
For good or ill, yet know it not
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

15 Days

I wondered why do we harbor for memories that no longer belong to us?

And even if we still possess it,

Looking through the same lens,

That’s probably not what we originally seek.

It’s no longer identical.

I cannot always live in a world of abstract convulsion.

I abhor being human.

When can I return back to my vampiric stupor?

16 Days

~*~Gwenda™~*~ says:u r the almost perfect man ma

***

I remembered what bf once said to me.

Oh well, good is indeed relative and others always seemed to appreciate you better.

Really hate to feel like trash.

17 Days

我搞不懂我们到底怎么了?

诚实的背后是否住着伤口?

我想不透我们的爱怎么了?

雨下过以后是否能让什么复活?

18 Days

I typed this while I was on the bus.

Because I want to document certain thoughts before it flee away from me.

And with every bus stop, I paused and looked at my surrounding.

My fingers roamed the keyboard and punched in letters that came into my mind, without having to glance at what I was typing.

But surely, there’s no way I could just go on typing without looking at the screen. My eyeballs peeked downwards whenever I could, just to ensure that I wasn’t typing rubbish.

Would there ever be a cause so critical that we can forgo rest and continue indefinitely?

Would there ever be a bus stop without destination, so that we just enjoy the ride without having to get down?

What would ever happen… in reality?

Perhaps, it’s only natural that we alight at where we need to stop because we have new places to explore and new goals to reach.

And it's this solemn knowledge that changes must take occur and hence, outcome will naturally be different.

So much for freewill.

19 Days

We got into car accident on Sunday.

Fortunately, all was safe and nobody had serious injury.

Then a thought sink into my mind; what if… just what if I was dead on Sunday? Killed in a car accident in front of Istana, splashed all over the papers?

In that funeral of mine, as my soul floats in timeless space, what would I see?

And if I am able to read thoughts and emotions in the most mystical of ways, what would I be able to see in your heart?

A moment of depression? Or a lifetime of regret?

It’s the skewed assumption that life will always be continuous and our thoughts absolutely have no room for any unaccounted disruption. Perhaps, that’s the reason why we often take things for granted unknowingly.

Because specifically, there isn’t a need to go that extra mile.

We just assume that people will always be there because they have always been there.

Not always.

Really.

Not necessary.

20 Days

Come and think of it - we are almost through the next day when we are together.

I remembered talking to WW about this.

If prayer works; this was approximately delayed by 2860 days.

只在乎曾经拥有.

21 Days

I realize I will probably self-publish my own book.

It may or may not end up making money, but it's just a dream to see my own words evolving into print, where I can hold it in my hands.

I hate to dream for the sake of dreaming; if one doesn't transform it into reality - it will forever remain a hollow dream.

I remember once when I told you about this dream of mine and said that it would be my greatest regret in life if I fail to have it publish before I perish from this world.

Then you said you will write on my behalf.

In my mind, I was chuckling. For someone who doesn't even know to write her own CV and resume, seriously, I thought this was just merely diplomancy.

But on the other hand, in my realm of emotions, there was a quiet smile within.

The effect is almost akin to a six years old child telling his mother "Mummy, I am going to protect you from all the bad guys in the world".

You know that will never happen - but it just feels good on the ear.

And mummy will always lit a smile hearing just that.

So do I.

22 Days

I have always carried you.

In that flashback, I remembered the time when you insisted on me piggy-bagging you back to my house.

'What? Siao!?!?!' was my response.

I did anyway - from the bus stop.

And I always claim that carrying you is way lighter than my Full-Battle Order in army. Obviously, it shouldn't be the case and you asked me why. I remembered explaining to you some weird theory about the allocation of weight - you know, my usual obfuscating bullshit.

But truthfully, perhaps (at that moment), Love makes all things lighter.

And I remembered when you refuse to wash up and slept like a piece of lard; I had to carry you to the washroom and nudge you to brush your teeth. Getting you off the bed is a feat much arduous than scoring Gold for my IPPT - I swear there could be no nightmare worst than waking you up.

That task alone would exhaust all my patience for the day; you are no sleeping log - you are a dead log.

But this is nothing - compared to what I had to shoulder for this relationship.

As days whizzed by, the load just get more emcumbersome with every new step I inched forward. More piling until it hurts my back terribly; my legs trembled with fatigue and sweat just trickled profusely. I can imagine myself quietly gripping the shoulderpad tightly and sucking in my lower lips - striding on until I couldn't move anymore.

An inexorable will alone is mundane. There are times in life where Will per se is insufficient.

Sometimes, it's not about the ability to carry, much more than the wanting to be carried.



I have 22 more days to laud and hoist the flag of the relationship, letting it dance magically through the splendid wind.

Whatever it is, I know I have carried you... till this very end... till the last day.

I will live to no regret.

23 Days

每一份爱情必定有它存在的意义。
当它惋惜之后，
眼泪也只不过提醒自己彼此在一起的前因。
这感伤不一定是想挽回的念头，
而是成长的过程

-云孩儿

24 Days

We have decided to just enjoy the remaining days as a couple.

I finally understood why true happiness is always short-lived.

24 days towards my graduation. :)

25 Days

Perhaps people think that I overvalue old sentiments. Maybe just a little more than the usual folks.

Only Weiyong understands me here; because at least in this aspects we are similar.

We are immensely in love with things that are old and passe.

I love playing old games. I play and replay. Play and replay. Play and replay. Until my own friends are sick of hearing me play old games.

I love old songs. And when I start liking songs that I deemed as new – it’s already an old song.

I love old comics. Nothing beats Flame of Recca.

I love old books of wisdom. Usually Greek wisdom dated back to some XX B.C.

I love old shows/movies. Stephen Chow and Jinyong are classic.

Some things we loved don’t change, even with the passing of time. I am still holding onto an old wallet that has already been damage beyond recognition and it looks like a swollen bag of ebony shit.

Someone once said this to me “Eh, your wallet so chui liao. Go get new one la – now you can easily afford one Gucci wallet what.”

What he doesn’t understand is that the wallet was a gift.

And it was a gift from you.

I will not change simply because I can afford to change.

I will only change when it’s time to change.

Is it time to change now?

26 Days

I carried a torn yellow mini envelope with me all the time. The envelope crumples with dirt at every corner and appeared almost like a forgotten trash.

Contrary to its appearance: the personal value it holds is unfathomable. I have always placed it securely in my wallet.

Throughout these eight years, at times, I will always smile to myself whenever I read the content. I always do it whenever life gets a little on the rough side and that will never fail to keep me going.

Inside this envelope is a card.

You gave it to me when I celebrated my birthday with you for the first time together - it was 16 Aug 2001.





Inside the content reads:

"Whenever I think of a love that is true, I always think of you. True love is not only wonderful, its a special dream come true.'

It ends off with the statement:

"I'll love you today, tomorrow & forever.."

Maybe that was the past.

27 days

Many years ago, I remembered the time when you cut your finger at home and told me you were bleeding and it wouldn’t stop.

I immediately rushed down from my house, worried-stricken, and told you specifically what to do. In my mind, I was only praying for your well being.

It was also then, I realized you virtually have zero knowledge in basic medical aid when you shared with me what you did: you tilted your fingers downward and examine your blood dripped like an unsealed tap. Later, you said you suffered some fainting spells and I immediately admonished you, saying that people who attempt suicide do that sort of thing - you should stop the blood from flowing.

And you can’t do that again because if something happens to you, then what am I going to do?

Now, I have multiple slashes all over me; I am not oozing blood - I am gushing.

Every major vein and artery is leaking wistful blood.

And I know that I will be left there, stranded in the open field with circling vultures, waiting for death to claim me before they swoop down for a great feast on my newly deceased corpse.

My poignant eyes are struggling to keep open.

Perhaps I should just close them.

28 Days

I recalled the days when we sat together in between Raffles City and Suntec; there was this space. It was that very space that made our union official. I peered to the clock far ahead of me and the time was almost 11.45pm, but it feels we were stuck in some eternal love stasis, binding us to some unforgotten realm, only we could uncover.

Time was ticking but everything seemed to come to a stand-still – except you and I.

I was only 16+ when that happens. In a blink of an eye, we have all grown. Many claimed the impossibility of a lasting love born out of that time frame - where love was treated as mere playmates and companionship. But I dismissed all of those allegations as unfounded – citing that this is just an assumption, made by shallowest of comments from inferior people who presumed that the entire world runs by classic scenarios and they cannot fathom the power of human spirit in love.

Though young, I had the mind of an old soul - I don’t need to believe what deranged nonsense people tell me; I only need to believe in myself and the relationship we run together.

That’s all that matters.

I remember the scorn people wore on their face; they probably reckoned that I was idealistic. And when we made it happened - they never dared look into my path and were forced to eat back their very own words.

It wasn’t a ‘me’ and ‘my girlfriend’ – it was a ‘We’. We made it happened, with our faith, conviction and effort. We are a team… a partnership… a collaboration.

I remember on that day, I asked you what you would like to tell me since I was about the start my poly first day tomorrow. I fondly remembered your bashful ‘I don’t know’ accompanied by your usual lack of words to describe your inner feelings and emotions.

Back then, I was counting down to my days in school.

Now, I am counting down to the dissolution of this relationship.

29 Days

Never had I expect myself to spurt those words; it was something so impossible in the past and it seemed only to happen to kingdoms that were badly ruled.

Unfortunately, people do change.

Drastic change… subtle changes… all sort of changes.

I could steel myself even with the best weaponry; but it’s only a lone battle against the monstrous horde of challenges. Undead though I am, I could only do so much.

Even the best system ever is still subjected to impermanence.

So what’s truly lasting?

The existence of my love is meaningless without reciprocation. Almost like seasons without spring.

I can imagine the dire wolves, waiting surreptitiously for this relationship to fail before pouncing onto the fallen brilliant crest and shredding my once proud banner. Their numbers are many and noble guards that kept the relationship intact and strong during peaceful good years are being mauled and cut down, one by one, like broken twigs. These dire wolves are no common enemy; under cover of darkness, their camouflage makes perception difficult. The noble guards fought well – one against ten and yet none of them yield to their adversity.

But how do you combat something you can’t see?

I could hear malicious voice calling for annihilation of all standing living beings and decimation of great edifice built to sustain a hundred years – only to be threatened in less than a decade. I smelled a wisp of death lingering in the madness; battle cry being sounded and more wolves hungrily pouring in like raindrops through fragmentary roof.

Wounded though, I stand with pride and honor to defend what I see as my home. I grasped the sheath of my blade tight, waiting to draw my first blood.

Then I moved: I swung my broadsword and cut through the wolves that lunged straight at me; it died instantaneously. Another tried to work his paw towards my face, only to feel the teeth of my blade sinking into his breast and the mighty bash of my tower shield directly into his wolf-face. I kicked the dead wolf to release my sword and I stabbed a timely quick thrust into the belly of a surging wolf that flew towards me with stretched paws and wide-opened deathly maw. Then another…

Whatever that was thrown at me; nothing ever came close.

Then, I felt an arrow pierced through my splint armor behind me; I turned around and saw my assaulter – it was what I was tasked to protect. Disillusionment seep in and I realized what was going on: what I was tasked to protect, ironically instigated the wolf invasion.

How do I fight an external battle with internal strife?

Is there even a remote possibility of winning this?

- 29 Days