Why there is nothing wrong about a materialistic girl and everything wrong about a non-materialistic guy

Reference to an article published in TRS (you can read the article here), I would honestly say that there is nothing absolutely wrong about being a materialistic girl (pretty similar to a man who only love girls with huge boobs). You can claim that they are superficial, but the problem is never about them - it is really a matter of our choice. You made the choice to date. You made the choice to pursue. You made the choice to jio her.

The bitter truth is that "it is we who choose our partner, not the other way round." After all, throughout the courting process, it is truly freewill.

The writer claims that all his previous girlfriends left him for someone richer. Truth be told that if finding a non-materialistic girlfriend (probably someone more down-to-earth) is his primary prerequisite, then his internal radar would not have picked up the ones with signs that suggested otherwise. Obviously if the writer has a history of such dating patterns, then we need to examine the nature and the development of his choices.

You see, if I walk into a Harvey Norman wanting to buy a television - no amount of persuasion, tactics or employed strategies from the salesman selling vacuum cleaner can make me part my dollar to buy his product.

Of course, that's only possible if I knew exactly what I wanted and need in the first place. Unfortunately in a context of a relationship, this becomes a little tricky. I will explain by tweaking the above scenario a little: imagine you now have $1,000, but on the condition that you must make the purchase by 30 minutes or the money gets taken back. You start scrambling to locate the TV section with no apparent success and by the 15 minutes mark, you encounter the eloquent salesman selling vacuum cleaner. Chances are, you would probably reason with yourself that you could either (1) use the money to buy at least something while you continue to look for your desired TV, (2) or risk having nothing by the end of 30 minutes.    

With the above analogy, those choices in who we accept into our lives then becomes a tool for risk management - not necessarily born out of love. A scary revelation indeed.

Perhaps we have to concede that there is a real difference between loving someone as it is and loving someone with a subconscious clause that he/she must change. For the latter, it is often our own selfish nature to maximize personal needs-fulfillment. We often abuse this actively by wanting to change our partner without first having to reexamine our personal expectation. And one likely culprit responsible for such phenomenon can be attributed to our inability or great aversion to deal with loneliness.

And because many people can't really deal with loneliness very well, the truth (for some) is that accepting an unsuitable partner appears to be a battle easier than having to deal with prolong loneliness with no signs of abating. Sometimes, it is also coupled with our self-defeating belief that if we are single, then there must be something unlovable about us - which is why we are still single.

For a start - you might want to stop feeding yourself with these self destructive thoughts. You are basically worth as much as how you validate yourself; if you figured that you are about a dollar's worth, then essentially you are just that.

Learn to take charge of your love life and be congruent about your needs; the dividends payout from adopting these principles would reward you manifolds in the marathon of love.

Cheers,
Yunhaier

Love is not Charity

Just had a conversation with someone and the gist of the conversation involves questions of going back to her ex. Perhaps it is not so much about what she has decided, but rather, the reason why this even came up.

'I feel sorry for him'. 

I think we need to establish an important principle: that love is NOT charity. Nobody enters into a relationship because they only want to give; there must be a mutual fulfillment of needs. In an absolute sense, relationships that purely give or take pretty much ends up in MH370-type disaster down the road. Everyone enters into a relationship because some aspects of your needs are reasonably being fulfilled, in which you are also then motivated to fulfill your partner's needs simultaneously.

There is no room for charity in love.

There are a number of substitute emotions that can mask the authenticity of love. Sometimes, it is not always external; it could be our inner desire for companionship crying far louder than our natural feeling for the other person. Often, we are assailed by personal insecurity or by self-limiting belief  (e.g. I don't think I can find someone else better or no one loves me like he/she does... so might as well try again).

One cannot expect time to alter the reality of things; there are reasons why certain things ended the way it did. Therefore, one must anticipate that these reality of things will continue to haunt us - regardless of the amount of time you put between 'then' and 'now', especially if these are fundamental challenges.

Time does not resolve fundamental challenges; it merely distort our understanding in the resolution of these problems and creates an illusion of change. Fundamental problems require critical self-negotiation and conscious acceptance in the trade off. If you cannot accept the situation in the past, then going back is just relearning an old lesson. If you have come to a genuine acceptance, then the need to reconcile with what you have traded off is paramount because (going back to the earlier principle) you are in a relationship not for charity. People often downplay or minimizes this traded off equation - thinking that they can manage effectively - but only to ghastly discover how it gradually transform into some demonic resentment later on in life.

One MUST be able to resolve this dissonance at this level; if not, it is probably around-the-world in eighty days in bitterness. Twice the strength.

Cheers,

Yunhaier

Aunt Agony 200614

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I just need some opinions. Lately ive been helping a best gal friend of mine with money. Ive started giving her some small sum every month as an allowance for her as she is financially drained. 

She knows i love her but she rejected cuz she told me she didnt wanna risk losing the friendship. That was 5 years ago. And recently, she did told me she likes me more than a friend but not to the level of bf. she even call me her special guy friend as im her only guy friend she trust with all her heart. 

Im helping without asking anything in return. I did so because i love her is one thing. Secondly, she needs help and she is a best friend so i cant bear to leave her behind with problem. And she is single again so she cant ask her ex bf for help. 

Ive never hated her or hold grudges against her for rejecting me. She knows that ive always respected her decision even if it hurt my feelings. I know im not gaining anything by doing this for her. But i love her and im ready to sacrifice things for her.

***

A guy friend loves his best girl friend whom only considered him as a best friend wrote her a note saying he has to distant himself from her cuz of the pain he had to deal with of not able to have her. 

After reading his note, she replied to him. She says he can take all the time off he wants but pleaded never to leave her for good or end the friendship. Cuz his absence breaks her heart and him being gone for good is like a missing puzzle piece in her life. She even said she is angry at herself for not able to return his love for her. She will wait for him to come back to her when he is ready to resume the friendship. This guy is her only guy friend she treasured. She felt bad for the whole situation and she cried a lot after reading the note. They had been friends for 10 years.

Is it a good or bad thing? Why cry over a guy whom u dont even love as more than friend? Would appreciate if someone can give a more neutral feedback rather giving negative comments like "friendzone".


***


I know im not gaining anything but why i still do it? Cuz i rather she take my money than she ask from others who would most probably try to advantage of her. Like some men would ask for sex in return. And is it so wrong to give without expecting any returns? Shouldnt love  be abt giving without expecting?




That is assuming that her tears represented love for you, in which I reckoned that it may not necessarily be so.

You may be doing this out of affection, but symbolically, what you might crave is the desired affection you are been unable to obtain successfully thus far. Unconsciously, you might be secretly hoping that something triggers inside her, mystically blossoming into a relationship somehow. Naturally if possible, but more critically, the affection must be mutual.  

Though you may claim that you have no motive behind your action, but I will quote what you mentioned in your earlier post:

[quote] Cuz i rather she take my money than she ask from others who would most probably try to advantage of her [/quote]

That appears to be a warped form of elaborated bribery to keep your woman at bay from other men. I am not attacking the genuineness of your friendship with her - neither am I concluding your action to an aspect of moral behaviour (between 'rightness' or 'wrongness'). It is your thinking process... the rationale of your action that doesn't quite go in sync with your action per se.

My greatest curiosity is not about the act of helping a friend in need, but why the need for 'overly indebtedness' on your part to help a friend in need? When you combine this with unrequited affection from the past, you basically created loads of self confusion via having self justifying principles to effectively disguise the true nature of your motivation.

You may have a coveted need - your need to feel needed by her. So whatever responsive cue she exudes could be masqueraded in your mind as a form of love affection easily.

And this is the point I am driving at; her responses are not necessarily driven by love

You may disagree, but given the fact that the fate on the outcome of your 'relationship' has already been decided by her - which somehow still doesn't give birth to any structural formation of a BGR regardless of the amount of positive feelings, regards or responses she has for you - the unfortunately reality is that she may not be into you romantically.

Indebtedness is not love; you just cannot convert an apple into orange because these are two separate things. What you see as love for her could be a pursuit of blind obsession to get her affection, which may turn out to be a mirage of a karmic relationship.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 290514

Originally posted by Maotouyin:

We are both in the 30s. We went out occasionally and msg each other at times during the first 4 mths and 1 fine day, he asked if we can go into a relationship. As I’m not those who will easily go into a relationship with someone, I took some time to consider before accepting his request. Of cos I did recap on the things
he did, he is filial and other factors which I thought we can try out and understand each other more.

I really feel happy when we went official and he is sweet to sms me to wake up daily, update me some of his daily activities, asked if i have taken my meals, etc. Basically, he shared with me things which I consider silly but I don’t mind. My mind is thinking of him though I’m at work and I feel blessed. Sometimes I will buy his favourite snacks for him and cheer him up whenever he faces challenges at work. During his update of his daily activities, I know that he likes to run as an exercise to keep fit. He runs before going to work and run after work. Wkends will also go running in the morning and evening. We went out a few times after being official during wkend afternoon time frame and we also sms each other at night after he finished his run and before he goes to sleep. He slept very early..can be 9pm-10pm.

One fine day, he went into silent. I’m not sure what has happened to him and I’m worried. I tried to sms him few times and call him but he didn’t pick up. He just replied with sms that he is fine and will be ok after few days. On and off, I still sms him and ask if anything happen to him or his family and need any help. He will just reply dun worry. Silent after 4-5 days, he finally sms that he is sorry for keeping silent. I was trying to ask what exactly happen but he just say “move on” and dun be a spoilt radio so I keep mum.
I do not know what can cause a man to go into silent for so long. From his sms to me after moving on, it seems that his mum is having a persistent cough for few wks and not getting better after visiting the doctor twice. Hence, I shared with him some remedies to cure the cough and eventually it should help because he never mentioned about his mum’s cough anymore though I asked how’s his mum now and he never reply. From this incident, I understand that he belongs to those who will not say anything if he doesn’t want to but I somehow feel that he doesn’t share with me his probs though I’m his gf.

I started to find out that he is a hard core runner as time passed. He will run in the morning before going to work, run during lunch time NOW and run after work.

He started to sms me lesser during wkdays. He will tell me that he is tired after the running and go to sleep and we never have chance to interact much after work on wkdays. Most of the couples went out during weekends and I know that he is a poor planner as he commented that things may change even though well planned. I accepted the fact that he is an ad hoc person and I would suggest the place to go to on a particular wkend 1-2 days before. However, he can comment that he is very tired after the running on that actual day and need to cancel the outing. I commented that he really runs too much and whether he has enough energy to handle other things and his reply was that’s why he needs ample rest after running (indirectly telling me no time for me…?). On another occasion which I did not mention anywhere to go, he will tell me his eye is swollen due to flies getting into his eye while he is running the night before. I was thinking there goes my outing with him again. Somehow, I feel that out wkends outings are due to running and other excuses. He will still goes running with his swollen eyes!

He went into silent on a 2nd occasion which I don’t know why it happens again. I asked him but as usual, he ignore again. I started to think our relationship why it turns out in this manner. Is there anything I have done wrong which causes this withdrawal symptoms from him? I apologize to him if I say or done anything wrong and ask him to move on. He replied me the next day with a smiley face. However, frankly speaking, I still do not know what I have done wrong. I saw a poster which states “Apologizing to the person doesn’t mean you are wrong and the person is right, it shows that you value the relationship more than the person”. I think this statement is quite useful and I believe nobody is perfect and we both have different backgrounds. Each relationship needs both parties to compromise each other and understand each other. If I can just give in and he is happy, I don’t mind to say sorry. We went back to normal days with the limited sms daily and no outings on wkends. Either raining, running too tired or I went overseas for holidays.

The official lasted for 3 months and he is very well planned for his running activities but never plan for our activities. I tried to ask him out for a meal so that we can talk to each other face to face but he never reply. I’m at the cross road, should I continue such an unhealthy relationship or I should persevere? I learn that he has a very bad temper and a MCP. His relationship with his family is also not good and he seldom trust pple. After much consideration, I have decided to break up with him. I wanted to face to face to tell him how I have been feeling the past 1 month but he never want to meet me. He will just sms me. Therefore, in the end, I just sms him that we shall end this relationship. He just replied with a sad smiley face. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if he is sad or happy.

I’m now at the healing stage. I admit I do miss him else I won’t have posted this. He has other good points but the problem is he doesn’t give me a chance to interact with him properly. He doesn’t trust pple easily and he trust his running world more than his family. A relationship without proper communication is a failure. I rather he “bark” at me when he is unhappy at least I know what he is thinking…..




His running obsession may appears to be an innocent hobby, but it is likely to be symbolic expression of an avoidance attachment type and/or desire to remain in comfort zone. He might have personal issues which he is afraid of diverging; that itself is already a difficult process for any relationship to proceed further.

Running is a highly individualize activity; you do not require anyone to do it with you technically. Hence, a core problem lies with the need for too much 'me' time and too little 'we' time in a non-negotiable manner.

One cannot choose to love deeply and still be invulnerable. The very act of loving would naturally implore us to open up internally and subject ourselves to a mix quantity of pain and pleasure.

During the time when he 'suddenly' go MIA, he is probably contemplating if he should end the relationship. Selfish as it might be, his lack of reasonable explanation for his behavior is a likely indicator that he is not willing to make the choice to terminate the relationship but resort to 'push factors' to drive you away, insofar that you would make the choice to end it instead. Therefore, ending the relationship on your side might be mere formality.  

P.S: At this juncture, what you need is probably a man - not a boy that runs away (both literally and metaphorically) the minute the reality of his relationship confronts him.

Cheers

God Sent!

This is hilarious!  ROFLMAO!

Aunt Agony 070414

Originally posted by Smallpillow:

I'm seeing this guy for awhile and he has made sacrifices for me significantly and have me involved in his future life plans. He scrutinises my contacts list of guy friends who likes me and block them out sometimes calling to scold them. He keeps in close contact with my parents and sister selling himself to be someone who loves and will take care of me.

However, I start to hesitate when it comes to settling with him as his honey words become excessive. He is always praising and saying how beautiful, intelligent.. Kind  I am etc ... When actually I have not even be working out even gaining weight or doing any grooming.

There was a time when we were chatting he said " if it's a pretty and kind girl I will love her" so I fumed and replied go to them you have plenty of choices! To that, he replied they will not love him.

At that moment I feel he's just using me for physical pleasure and all those excessive praises are to cultivate me to be close to him. He likes to be very generous to his female peers and be a chauffeur to them. Most of them already have boyfriends or husbands. One of them frequently borrow money from him and he lends it to her. It's in the thousands and it's really very hard to think the relationship is pure and no sexual activity is involved. Many times I broke down, I feel insecure why does my boyfriend wants to cultivate and be nice spend his time and resources on other ladies... And making the women shower praises and loves him. Is he cultivating towards the day when he will be needed for them to feel good about sexually? I feel he is trapping me. If I marry him, I will always be so insecure if he is going to make out with other women. There are a few female friends close to him and he says that she likes to be touched by other men. To that, I feel is he being her friend because of the possibilities of sexual activity that is going to happen...or already happen? I don't know.

At end day, I feel he doesn't loves me and eventually he will cheat on me. I really don't think I'm being sensitive or overly suspicious her. All the red lights are there and I'm just attached to him emotionally at heart that it's very hurting to let go. Can someone support me on making the right decision? He is going away from the country for a year for work and he wants to get married before he leaves. What should I do? 

There are other guys who likes me but I'm starting to think twice about marriage. I don't seem to know if the guy truly loves me if we are having frequent sex. Or if the guy really loves me he will marry And take care of me without having sex as he doesn't want to hurt me. Does this exist? 

His friends vouch for his character and integrity. Back in jc and university, there are girls who like him but he never take advantage or be with them because he believes that they are not the one and only that he will spend life with.

I feel it's very painful to be with him as he is stubborn and only believes in his reasonings disregarding my opinions with a shrug. For instance, if I were to discuss this with him and hope to work towards a happier relationship he will just brush me aside and says There's no end to refuting each other and I'm just having one of those episodes of blowing my top of my own emotional issues. He will always be around either talking to my parents, my sister and whoever he can build relations When things Are not working well with me. At the end of the day, I have triple work to do. Explaining to my loved ones that hey he's really not the guy he seems to be and your daughter here will suffer big time if I get married to him. What does old folks know anyway. I just want to leave on a jet plane and f to all these attachments.



You spoke about the possibility of your boyfriend choosing you because of the lack of mutual feelings and availability with other female counterparts. Frankly, it is meaningless to discern the truthfulness of this statement when I reckon that there is deep-seated resentment towards his insidious attempt to construct an unequal power play in the relationship.

It seemed that he has the rights to be ‘generous’ and has regular contacts to his female friends, while he consciously attempts to ‘block out’ your guy friends. It is likely that he is as (or even much more) insecure as you – hence there is a deliberate intention to craft out a system where he wants to gain power through strategic social isolation.

There are a couple of important factors that would have contributed to your confusion:

i) When you shared about your bf affirming you, your inner self reacted violently and concluded that he must been lying. My sense is that your low innate self-worth might likely be more of a culprit; never mind about the fact on why he says what he says, but the point about feeling that you are an unlovable person, capable only of 'retaining' relationship because you exchanged flesh for affection is not something common.

You are what you what because of what you believe yourself to be. And I am really worried what you are feeding your mind with.  

ii) I wonder how the circumstances of he 'cheating' on you makes any difference here; what I am hearing right now is how much you don't like about him and not so much about you catching him having an affair. Specifically, he does not appear to fulfill your needs or respect you presently; somehow you see yourself as mere component of his sexual gratification, which has not translated to joint pleasure. Perhaps subconsciously, you reluctantly seek to fulfil his sexual needs because it has become a 'way' for you to keep him near you.

***

I don't think fidelity is something that can be vouched; it's really a matter of choice and a constant reaffirmation to loyalty. A vegetarian might someday decide to eat meat. Hence, eating vegetables yesterday and today does not mean that I cannot choose to eat meat the next day.


[Quote: Smallpillow]

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off...

[/unquote]


I fondly recalled the first law of CloUdism (my little book of my thoughts): "it is we who choose our partners, not the other way around." Nobody can truly stop you from walking away if that is your real intent. Blaming the other party for 'not letting you go' is an form of subconscious projection of not wanting to leave either.

I am not saying that you should or should not leave the relationship; but what I am saying is that we have the power to decide what we want to do with our relationship. And this power does not belong to him, your sister or your mother.

It belongs to you. Solely.

Cheers

The True Purpose of an Engagement

The true propose of an Engagement

Recently, I have been engaged - proposed to my fiancée and the finally having the dream of being able to make plans of tomorrow. It was conclusion of a proposal plan, but ground zero towards planning to live a life together.

It is a struggle - of deciding to make a choice between pragmatism (to apply a house first) and lifespan because I find it strange to discuss a mutual future together, without an explicit commitment. Frankly, asking a woman to register a house with you is already some form of implicit proposal. in fact, it is already a great deal of commitment as the consequence to back off from a HDB deal after you have committed into it would easily set you back thousands of dollars.

Therefore, it is already a form of proposal - albeit not the kind that most women want.

Hence, wouldn’t it be wise to propose first and make your plans later?

Well, I will share one fundamental challenge and I term it as the “Twin demons of Finances and Biological Age”.

Let me walk you through a common thinking:
Premise one: I need to finish my university education first so that can earn more in the future and provide for my family.
Premise two: Although I need to work for a few years to clear educational loans, in the long run, I am likely to be better off. Simultaneously, I can also try to save up for wedding and house
Premise three: I need to have a new house immediately after my wedding, so that I can then start my new life together. Staying with in-laws is a no-no as there is too much horror in laws stories. No children before the new house.  
Premise four: A new house will take time to come (unless I am willing to pay for one at resale market).
Premise five: Therefore, I would need to apply a house way before, so that I can plan my wedding near the date when I can collect the keys to my house.  


People are marrying later, not because they want to, but the route towards adulthood by a standard pathway is already a delayed process. For example, if you are a guy going by a JC pathway, it would take you reasonably 25-26 years old (for a 4-years university education) before you start earning your first dollar (not considering the fact that you are likely to have educational debts). Unless you are fortunate to hold a well-paying job with great increment/bonus prospect, you will probably need to work for a few years to pay off your debts BEFORE you are debt free enough to start serious savings.

That is only considering the fact that you did not incur additional liability like purchasing a car.

And if your lady is the same age as you, this will likely to post a problem because woman would have a much earlier head start. Using the same analogy, a girl going by a JC pathway will complete her education by 22-23 years old (for a 4-years university education). She would likely to clear her study loan earlier, have more CPF in her account and hold higher salary (that is before childbirth of course. In the long run, statistically speaking, man will somehow earn more).

However, if she dreams of having children of her own, then she doesn’t have forever to decide.

When you combine the above profile together, you get a typical marriageable age of 29-30 years old for a middle income family situation.

So is that why the twin demonic problem of finances and biological age result in many problems?

People want to secure their house early, settle their dream wedding and have children before a certain age.

I hardly hear people talk about having the importance of a stable relationship, an emotionally intimate and connected love that inspires you enough insofar as you want to genuinely spend the rest of your life with this special person. And my sense is that people assume that this is a given process – that’s to say that all relationship will develop itself into this picture of love.

The horrific truth is that our local statistics shows that about one in three marriages will fail. Therefore, this seemingly natural picture of love is not as common as we think it existed. I find it more troubling to hear “Fuck, my relationship is in trouble, but I have an awesome house” than “Fuck, I don’t have a house, but my relationship is awesome’.  

The true meaning of a proposal is not merely to spend the rest of your life together; it is a conscious choice to relinquish the options of dating someone else romantically and forgoing all possible opportunity cost attached to such a possibility. Engagement is the first step to ingrain this belief, not because of any external factors that ‘leave you with little room to negotiate’ but the understanding that you are given full freedom of choice and this freedom of choice is him/her.

Man - just remember: your woman is not obliged to say yes even if you proposed. And when she says ‘Yes’, you want to be sure that it is because she loves you. Period. Not because she needs to ROM with you within 6 months upon having key to the HDB. Not because she wants to have a grand envious wedding by 27 years old. Not because she wants to have her first child by 28 years old.

But because she loves you. Unconditionally.  

 

The Difference Between Falling In Love When You Are Ready And When You Are Lonely

Although I have fallen in love several times in my life, I have really only been in love once. Doesn’t seem to add up, does it? Well, I have only fallen in love one time, at a point in my life when I wasn’t especially lonely. It was when I was much younger and when, to be honest, I was doing just fine without a female companion to share my life with. That was the first time I truly fell in love – and now that I think about it, the last.

This happens to all of us who have had no choice but to give up on a first love. It’s a sad truth: Once you’ve fallen in love deeply, you yearn for that love; you wish to find it again. You become lonely. You begin to fantasize and create a reality that doesn’t actually exist. Then you fall in love with someone unworthy of it.

That first time you fell in love can’t entirely be described in words. It’s as if the emotions, the state of your being and your state of mind became a different entity entirely. You go from being you, to being this other person — this person who needs this other person to survive. It’s as if you were just introduced to an organ that you rely on for life, which you never before even realized existed.

“Soul mate” is an understatement; it’s as if you have found a part of your soul that you didn’t know you had. It’s all incredibly overwhelming, to say the least. It is by far the most amazing, most intoxicating, most horrible and excruciating feeling in the world. And the second we get that first taste of it, we become addicts for life.

Unfortunately, as most stories go, we are forced into a withdrawal. I would like to say that more often than not it’s our own fault, but it’s never actually that simple. It’s you. It’s him or her. It’s the timing. It’s the situation. It’s the mistakes you made. It’s the mistakes you weren’t willing to risk. The stars didn’t align at the right moment in place and time, and hence, the two of your hearts cracked — metaphorically, of course. Physically cracking you’d expect would be swifter and less painful.

So you go on living your life the best you can, never truly forgetting about that taste, that incredible aroma that filled your soul. We never forget those perfect moments we lived with the person we loved. Then we spend the rest of our lives looking for our next fix.

Loneliness is a strong motivator. It moves us to make — I’m sorry to say — some very, very poor decisions. I can tell you right now that I am very likely to make yet another poor decision in a few hours, in the hopes of maybe, just maybe getting lucky enough to meet someone who I’ll not regret seeing when I wake up in the morning. Although we may love every single other aspect of our lives, being human makes us need the companionship of other people. And if we were lucky or unlucky enough to get a taste of real love, we’re going to search for that next fix until we find it.

Which is how we fall in love without ever actually being in love. “Falling into infatuation” would be more fitting terminology, but not quite as poetic. We meet someone who is great, beautiful, fun, interesting enough. And thanks to our brains being able to imagine grandeur and provoke emotional responses, we can take that previous feeling of love and warp it to fit the new mold.

The funny thing is, we actually believe we are in love. We think about the person throughout the day with intense positive feelings. We imagine ourselves with this person for the long run. We feel a need to see him or her and to spend time together. Yet, more likely than not, we eventually realize we aren’t compatible; loneliness had us raise our hopes up very high.

Things only get trickier as you go through these episodes of loving and mock-loving. After a few runs, you begin to question each new relationship and begin to anticipate the falling out. Then, the question is, would it have worked had your mind been in the right place, or were you really not compatible to begin with? Are your standards unrealistic? Or are you actually selling yourself short and settling?

The truth is, you won’t know until you find the next person you truly fall in love with. At that moment, your perspective comes into focus and you clearly see that most, if not all, of your previous loves weren’t actually loves. Until that point, you are likely to try to revert and reach out to past failed lovers in hopes that you can rekindle the flame.

So, do you hold yourself back from loving until you’re sure it’s real? No. If it ends up being real, then you’ve made it. If not, then you surely had a good time for a good stretch, and because you now know you weren’t in love, moving on will be easy. Live and love as much as you can. Those will be the stories you tell when you’re old and wrinkled.

***

You can read the actual article here

情人节和清明节

Wahahahahhahahahahaa! I totally just ROFLMAO!

I'm Letting My Wife Go

I read an excellent article; don't be fooled by the title - 'letting my wife go' here refers not to the physical sense, but rather the abstract/psychological space needed for your partner to grow into what she needs to become. 

I will repost the article; but you can access the actual article here.

***

I’m sure it may come as a shock to some people, but I let my wife go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us.

No, we’re not getting a divorce and no, we’re not separating. Truth be told, the practice of “letting go” has actually brought us closer together. But in order to understand what I mean by “letting go,” you must first understand that Kim and I are two very different people.

In fact, the differences between us were Kim’s primary concern with us getting married. “Seth, a fish may love a bird,” she said. “But where would they live?”

I smiled at the comparison because it’s fairly accurate.

Kim and I are incredibly different people. She’s the oldest in her family; I’m the youngest in mine. She’s very responsible; I’m…very much not. She loves the city; I prefer the country. She loves healthy food; I love junk food. She enjoys school; I despise school. She wants to watch British dramas; I’d rather watch comedies. She loves to sing and dance; I’d rather not. She prefers flying; I prefer driving. She loves to be with people, and I’d prefer to be alone. Kim is a driven, career-minded, goal-oriented woman, while I, on the other hand, am a laid-back fellow who prefers gardening and writing over anything else.

To put it simply, Kim is an extrovert while I am an introvert. Frankly, it sometimes amazes me that Kim and I even met—let alone got married!

But after knowing Kim for ten years, I knew that I simply couldn’t live without her.

Despite their many differences, the fish loved the bird and the bird loved the fish.

So we put our faith in that love and did the only thing a fish and a bird could do: we got married and built a bird bath.

The bird bath is a symbol for our middle ground—the place where we come together—but it’s also the place from which we feel comfortable to let each other go. To “let go” of someone is to love them enough to let them fly or swim away (or to be themselves) and yet trust that they will always come back.

For if we truly love each other, we have to be willing to “let each other go” to become the best versions of ourselves. Kim encourages me to keep swimming (develop my talents), and I encourage her to fly higher (chase her dreams).

Abusive, one-sided relationships are heartbreaking to me. How can we claim to love someone and then try to limit that person’s identity? Marriage is a union, to be sure, but it’s a union that should liberate, not incarcerate. Real love shouldn’t limit a person’s potential, it should expand it.

Real love tells me to let Kim fly and trust that she’ll always come back. I have to let her go so she can chase her dreams, pursue her education, and develop her talents. Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish were to clip the bird’s wings, he would risk trimming her dreams and smothering her altogether.

That being said, I wish I could say that I’m perfect at letting my wife fly. But I’m not. In the end, we’re still two very different people. I have some deeply rooted insecurities, and we’ve had to learn to navigate each other’s personalities.

But while I certainly can’t tell you that I’m perfect, I can tell you that every time I’ve encouraged Kim to fly she loves me all the more for supporting her and having the faith to let her go.


So, if you truly love someone, have the faith to “let them go.” Encourage them to be the fullest measure of themselves, and you will be overwhelmed by the love that your spouse returns to you.

- Seth Adam Smith

Regrets (again) III: The Fear of Regret

The fear of regret on the other hand strikes with a vorpal blade of paralysis, inflicting great terror of immobility to decision making. The struggle of our current plight becomes less terrifying than the prospect of an unknown decision leading to an adventuring route you have never traveled before.  

That is therefore the fear of regrets; lassitude and ambivalent.

Just spring cleaned my room; it's always a cringing experience whenever I unearthed old stuff and read things I wrote more than a decade ago. I always cringed at my earlier poorly expressed juvenile writing and at this juncture, I am unable to comprehend my teenage state of mind/emotions when I wrote those nonsense.

Honestly, I cannot readily figure out how all that gathered and developed into my current state of thinking. Tried to recall back the pathway and it is an impossible task because of the sheer amount of refining done to my mind, which resulted in irrevocable changes.

I was writing emo-stuff. Loads of it. And regret of fear does pop out time to time. It is only until I have decided to make a choice to leave things behind... does things really get left behind.

The fear of regret then thus become an illusion.

I don't think it is reasonable to accept that things remain static or unchangeable permanently. At every given moment, we are confronted with choices that will shape our destiny. The fear in making choices - though might appear that we have deep seated fear of regrets - is really about our fear of assuming responsibility for the choice we make. In love, very often, we want others to make the decision instead (e.g. if he/she doesn't love me anymore, he/she should let me go).

However, that's quite a flawed thinking; nobody but ourselves is holding us back. If he/she doesn't love you, you can decide what you want to do with this information.

Non-action itself is thus a choice.  

Aunt Agony 120114 (Continued from AA 271213)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I know what you mean by self acceptance and confidence. The thing is, I have asked a lot of women of interest out, only to be stalled or given excuses that they are not free. I not sure when to stop but usually when they strike out three times (three times they tell me that they are not free to come out),  I just don't pursue anymore.

This time with this girl B, I am just wondering if I should try or not. Its just not based on my experience with girl A, but also previous other experiences in which I have stated that I find it hard to ask a girl out. I don't know why, I just have the aura of getting rejected.

People tell me, if I don't try I won't know but its like this, if you ask 10 different girls out, only 2 out of 10 accept your invitation, you feel a bit demoralised.

Well today is Jan 5, but I have yet to ask girl B out for fear that I may show my desperation. She did let me to try in 2014. My heart is tingling to try though, I am hanging around at home doing house chores, kind of boring, feel like asking her out but yet I fear that it is too soon.

Next week I shall ask her out. I am prepared to receive rejection. Just cross my fingers.



I think it is personally helpful that you have a sense of awareness that you are facing some challenges in having woman accepting your dates successfully. However, unless you have decided to embrace monkhood for good as a serious alternative, to keep trying is the other option left. The wisdom in trying lies in understanding 'what' that had led us to failure in securing consistent dates and to improve our probability, rather than to dwell on our failures to demoralize our future attempts.

Dates are not isolated from the reality of interest building prior before the actual date; hence, if the development of the friendship does not develop into some level of positive interest leading to a date, then rejection is just but a convenient excuse to avoid dealing with potentially uncomfortable situation easily.

A woman might have a 'single' profiling, but that does not mean that she will risk everything to date any potential guys just because her biological clock is ticking. The interest must outweigh the risk for the first date to begin and the first date must be great for the second one to appear.

Your 'try' has to be holistic; it has to encompass the entire process of knowing her, even electronically (whatapps, etc). Choosing a random day for date that has little process prior is akin to gambling purely on tangible quality (e.g. the brand of your car that you are driving or your physical attractiveness, etc) to assess if you fit into a category of her 'not minding' to go on a date to 'look see look see'. And if the first date is uncomfortable for her, then 'I am not free' excuse will manifest again.

You cannot control a woman to accept your dates; the only person you can control is yourself. Hence, all you could do is to do whatever you can to build good interest, so as to facilitate her consideration to accept. It is also within your powers to decide how you want her to experience a date with you; from conversation to the dining process.

Cheers  

Regrets (again)

Ah! Same old topic again.

Regret in love is one of the most lasting poignant feelings one could ever experience in life. The resolution of regret can be a very trying affair with good possibility of having no desired conclusion that we hope to gain.    

It is often accompanied by a collective legion of sadness and intense remorse - akin to how the wings of plane are always found attached to the fuselage - often disrupting our otherwise humdrum phase of life.

There are two important distinctions when it comes to the form of regrets; one is our fear of regrets and the other being the pain of regrets. Regardless of its form, this emotion arises because of (1) our ability to recall experience and (2) our ability to make comparative judgment.

Hence, making logical comparison between present and future can produce fear of regrets (hypothesizing), while comparison between past and present can induce regrets (reflection).

Precisely because we have recollection powers, we have the condition to make comparative judgments and experience regrets.

Perhaps, if we are all like goldfish with 3-second memory span, then such emotion would be next to impossible.

I will share about each distinction in my upcoming posts. 

Regrets (again) II: Pain of Regrets

Our past, albeit it has everything to do with where we are at now, is but an illusionary aspect of our reality. Our mind thoughtlessly stored memories of our past, creating a husk of an empty coconut whose original function of protecting its content has been made redundant. Picking up the shell no longer holds meaning, other than a cruel reminder of our choice we made in the distant past.  

That is therefore the pain of regret; helpless and wistful.

The Buddha has it right; truth is that all things are impermanent. The bad news is that good decision doesn't remain right all the time, while the good news is that our misery will not continue forever as well.

I will share a short story, which I feel that it captures that essence on the pain of regrets:

***

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

***

Regret, like anger, is a self-inflicted pain. Perhaps, it is not so much about being accepting about circumstances, much more than the realization in learning to let go of things that isn't meant to be.  

Why Weddings Have Become Meaningless Displays Of Pretense For Gen-Y

It’s the most important day of her life; the day she’s dreamed of since she was a little girl; the day her life as a woman officially commences; her big day…

It’s her wedding day.

What was once a paramount, sacred tradition that enabled a couple united by love to become joined together for life has now become little more than a grand exhibition of wealth.

In today’s society, this oh-so-special day has actually morphed into a sort of contest, and even can be considered a spectacle in a way.

Every bride-to-be believes that her wedding will outshine everyone else’s, and the obsession with how perfect things will be for others has surpassed the importance of the personal significance of this (hopefully) once in a lifetime milestone.

What was meant to be one of the happiest days of a hopelessly romantic couple’s life has become a practice in personal advertising to communicate the message: “Here we are, happily in love, and here is the carefully crafted wedding to prove it!”

Many couples believe that the more money they spend on this one-day event, the likely it will be a success and leave guests feeling satisfied. Weddings have become events for impressing others, instead of a celebration of the couple’s love.

The wedding industry has greatly expanded over the years, becoming a multi-million dollar industry that most brides and grooms buy into.

Of course, everyone deserves a beautiful wedding, but isn’t financial security and a debt-free future with your new partner better than spending all of your money on a wedding just to impress others?

The amount of money that is spent on excessive weddings can be used to supply the down payments for a home. Purchasing a home is an important step to building a future together and is not on a one-day event that everyone forgets about after anyway.

Details including the bride’s dress, the invitations, the venue, the menu, the cake, seating arrangements, and even those photos meticulously placed around the venue have all been cautiously directed, hand-crafted and planned. Not only is everything perfectly planned, it’s practically staged.

The entrance of the bridal party and groomsmen, the entrance and introduction of the bride and groom, the first dance, the eventual serving of the food, the toasts, the father/daughter dance, the cake cutting, the bouquet and garter toss, etc., etc.

These repetitive and generic wedding traditions make the receptions into really long, orchestrated and scheduled events, where you always find yourself as a guest wondering when the polite time to leave is.

The sad part is that when you really think of it, weddings do not reflect the reality of what they are supposed to mark, which is the beginning of a marriage and the joining and commencement of two people’s lives together surrounded by their closest friends and families.

It’s usually the opposite. People attending weddings these days have a sort of expectation, sort of like when people go to Las Vegas and just expect to come back with large winnings.

Most of the time these people aren’t even that close to the bride and groom, and are the ones criticizing every detail that was so carefully planned.

They might say the wedding dress is ugly, or the food sucks, or even complain about the décor. Most of the haters at weddings were only invited out of obligation to parents and other relatives.

These guests do not even truly matter to the bride and groom, but unhappy guests want everyone to know how much they are not enjoying the wedding.

The real purpose of a wedding reception should be to let the bride and groom celebrate their love and happiness with their guests (who should be actual family members and close relatives and real friends), as they have a bite to eat and get congratulated.

If the regimentation and control of every little detail of the event were lost, people (including the bride and groom) could actually enjoy themselves. I feel that weddings consist of a lot of waiting for the most part.

Waiting for the bride and groom to enter, waiting for the food to be served, waiting for the dance floor to open up…

The media has played a large part in creating the pressure to have large, impressive weddings. Reality shows such as TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress,” and the ultra-shallow “Four Weddings,” which features four brides who attend each other’s weddings and literally rip apart each one, encourage brides-to-be to plan the most expensive and extravagant events imaginable.

If you need an example of how scary wedding culture has actually become, look no further than this scene that played out during “Four Weddings” where a contestant once rated another bride’s wedding a four out of 10 because she “got food stuck in between her teeth.”

Add the reality TV created “Bridezilla” mentality to the already stressful process of wedding planning, and brides feel that it is their duty to become complete B****** to ensure that everything goes their way and their weddings impress highly critical guests.

Brides literally obsess over precision planning, even though in the end, every single wedding is pretty much the same. Brides pick practically the same dresses, color schemes and floral arrangements, and most even choose nearly identical playlists.

Instead of brides glowing with happiness, they are actually most likely exhausted from getting no sleep the night before and having to wake up at 6 a.m. for to make sure their heir hair and makeup look perfect.

So in all this pre-meditated glitz and glamour that is used just to impress, the actual act of marriage and its meaning get lost in the craziness.

I’m not saying that all brides should get married in their backyards and serve hotdogs as a sign of their love, but I am saying that brides and grooms alike should not forget the reason behind the event that they are celebrating.

So please brides-to-be and friends of brides-to-be, reconsider your reasoning for planning over-the-top weddings and stop to think about what’s truly important.

You can access the actual article here

Aunt Agony 271213

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

Recently I changed job...to a new place...

At my working place, I am suppose to work closely with girl A. So the new company sent us both to Germany for a job assignment for a month. After work, she would ask me out to accompany her for dinner, shopping, theatres, walk around, coffee. Weekends, we would both plan trips to Venice, Paris and Switzerland like a couple. At that time, I began to fall for her. I develop feelings for her because I rarely have the chance to be one to one with a girl...as pretty as she is.

However, moment we landed spore, her whole attitude changed. I ask her out for a drink, she declined. And then she began to distance herself from me. We both had a small quarrel over work. THen I began to distance myself from Girl A. Girl A even told my other colleagues about me trying to court her. Some of the co workers began to kepo and ask me about my ties to her.

Then came girl B. As a result of my struggle with my new job and my new boss's disatisfaction with my performance, i had to worked hard till late night to earn my boss's favor. During that time, girl B also worked late at office. So she began to text and use the company messenger to talk to me. We both at times conversate until 11pm at office. Girl B is sort of sweet and nice girl. She's a Ipoh so her personality is a bit different from those typical princess singaporean girls like girl A. I didn't want to ask girl B out because of the trouble caused by girl A, I didn;t want to sully my reputation anymore. But I did double check girl B's status, ask one colleague in her team whether she is single or not, the reply was that she's single.

Then after some weeks, girl B got some buquet of flowers from the florists. I became disappointed because I thought it was from her boyfriend.

Then it came to the end of my confirmation, my cruel boss decided not to confirm me. My boss wanted to do all sorts of things, like accuse me of things I didn't do to kick me out from office. So in order not to have a bad record to tarnish my reputation, I made a deal with my boss and the company HR...that they would not sully my records if I offer to resign peacefully. This is to ensure when new employers do reference check, there would not be any so-called performance improvemnet program or non-confirmation sacking letters in my HR record (i refuse to sign them anyway)....

In exchange for the deal...I help them to clear my work. So during that time..i worked late to help girl A to finish up the work. girl A was very stressful, from there, she saw my honesty and hard work. So she apologised to me for her rude behaviour and gave me a dinner treat at an expensive restaurant. We both parted ways in good manner. I never pursue A, because I knew we both are not compatible.

Then on the day of my resignation (i kept low key, never tell anybody at office), somehow rumor spread..girl B, message me to tell me how shocked she was to hear that i was resigning. She say that she will miss me. I told her that we could still keep in touch.

Fast forward...2 months later, at my new office. I suddenly got a text from girl B, asking me where am I working and how am I. Me not wanting to give infor for free...ask her if she could organise a gathering within our ex-colleagues..then I can tell her. I wanted to have an opportunity or excuse to meet her in a group so as not to make her think i am a despo. She said she could not do so because everyone else was busy and was taking leave.

So I wanted for another week, i was taking things slowly...not wanting to put too much pressure on her. I ask her if she was free or not. She said she is not free until next year 2014. But she told me, I can ask her out...near her place...because she doesn;t like to travel far, as long as we can have lunch, or dinner or tea time during the weekends. During the week days, she work late, as usual. So she doesn;t have time to come out.

I ask her about thsoe flowers she receive last time at office. She told me that it was from her girl friends who gave her those flowers for her birthday.

Then we both made some jokes...she joke and ask me why I so secretive never tell where I work..then i said...you come out with me for dinner then i tell you. Her answer is "haha...ok".

So now, my question is...should I ask her out? How should I approach this? Take it slowly? Its just that i am a bit concern of our big age gap..you see, i am 36, she's 27. You think it will work?




I am actually curious on what is it about the age gap that is stopping you from advancing. Specifically, I am wondering how much of the experience you had with Girl A actually negatively affected the way you are going to proceed with Girl B.

Presently, both of you are employed in different companies. Hence, office politics from your previous workplace shouldn't technically harm either one of you professionally; after all, even if you are indeed dating Girl B - it's truly your own private life.

You might want to gain some degree of self acceptance to the above thought processing first as I sensed some form of inner resistance from you as somehow, you kept referencing 'unimportant' people in your life (my hypothesis) to make significant decision (namely your love affairs).

So how should you proceed? Well, since you don't really know her as a person beyond mundane description of nice and sweet - you can start getting to know her better? And you can help yourself by being genuine in wanting to know her and be less bothered by immaterial details such as age for now. If age is an issue, the process of knowing her will reveal to you mystically.

Cheers

Long Break!

Sorry folks; just concluded this half year project for SEA Games ceremony 2013 @ Myanmar. Hence, updates has been dead for more than a month.

Whee! Back in production again! :D

Aunt Agony 071113

Originally posted by Kayrene:

Okay I am a new user.

I know topics like these have been said and mentioned a zillion times, but I have so much pain I need to let out, and wonder if doing it anonymously can relieve some of the stress. Perhaps someone else have gone through something similar, and can share my pain?

I never had good impression of PRC women. I had two good friends, who ended up divorcing their husbands because of PRC woman. They are not bad wives, maybe just the usual 贤妻良母 who spent their entire married lives dedicating to their spouses, mother in laws and of course the kids.

Another friend of mine almost divorced because of PRC woman too, but she was willing to give her hubby a chance for the sake of her boys. And the last time I heard, the PRC was still attempting to call and message her hubby even though he had already made it clear to her that he still want his wife and kids.

I didnt and had never thought such thing will happen to me. But it did. The only consolation is, I was only almost married.

I have been dating the same guy for almost a decade. He was a divorcee with a beautiful daughter, whom I love and I adore.

He was once one of the most perfect boyfriends in the world, who loved me, doted on me, and was the reason why I so faithfully stood by his side all those years, taking care of his mom, his girl, while he fighted for a new career.

After being through so much up and downs, thick and thin, poverty and stuff, he made it, and had a relatively successful small business. And then things changed.

His job required him to entertain his subcons, his clients. He was earning more than he ever had. The now and then drinking session becomes frequent. He began picking on my faults, and eventually he didn't even come home.

And I was indirectly chased out from his place, after almost ten years.

And yes, he was cheating. With a PRC woman he met in a stupid lup sup pub.

Barely two months after I left, he came running back to me. Apologise, telling me how he is full of regrets, etc etc. I had loved this man for ten years, how can I possibly not soften my heart.

And just as I thought we will survive this and become stronger than ever, that PRC claimed she is pregnant, and demanded responsibility.

Well we dragged for a while, and broke up god good. That woman probably thought she won again. The first time I was gone, he had never brought that woman home. And now, she had officially moved into his place and became the mistress of the house.

It has been three months plus. I still cry myself to sleep every night. Apparently things have not been easy for that heartless idiot.

I think it is true that China women are selfish, manupulative and wicked. He still tells me what a fool he has been, and how he regretted hurting a woman like me.

I heard from his family that woman flares at him on a frequent basis, is not nice to his mom, bullies his girl( I ached) sometimes. They do worry about how she will treat his daughter once she has her own. Though she is very much pregnant now, he is still trying to delay marriage. He now realised this woman can never compare to me, and will never love his familyl the way I did.

But the woman will never let him off. :)

Shouldn't he have realised it a long time ago?

I couldn't get it. May never get it. Those PRC women have a reputation not for nothing. Why do Singaporean men still fall for it, only to regret later?

Local girls are not materialistic. In fact they are very simple women, who just want to build a simple happy family of their own. Yes I do enjoy buying designer goods, but I was a faithful caring woman who knows how to love a man and love his family.

And all that I did I ended up with nothing but pain.

In my early 30s now, I don't even know if I am able to start all over again.

Why? Anybody knows why?

(Pardon my essay. I just wanna let it out, even if nobody wants to know).



Being subjected to our partner's infidelity is probably one of life's most painful experiences; but like all poignant experience, it can also bring about tremendous growth and learning.

You probably learnt that you are not perfect, but at least you are faithful. Yet paradoxically, loyalty alone is insufficient to keep a relationship going. At this juncture, though there is little point in crying over spilled milk, keeping tabs on some important lessons might be useful for future references.

Quite fortunately, you are not married. Though your emotional recovery is no less easy, but your bounce back is likely to be faster. Notably, there is always higher risk in the extreme dichotomy; the ones that ring wedding bells way too fast and the drudging ones that carried on BGR endlessly.

Length in relationship matters little, since the value of relationship lies not in normative age, but by the quality of the love. Quality of love is a subjective mutual experience between the couple - all other 'ethical duties' of being a good step-mother, daughter-in-law, etc., are but components of this positive experience.

Hence, when we learn to stop loving each other in an intimate genuine way; genetic mutation of love starts.

You see, he might like the way you take care of his family, but that does not automatically translate into romantic love. In fact, the original love could just transmogrify into kinship absolutely and ironically, he starts looking for 'love'. Sometimes, when we develop the other roles way too profound, it subconsciously consume our primarily purpose in love and we kind of 'forget' that we actually still have a love relationship with our partner.

A good relationship generally still requires that nurturing, that extra effort, the spontaneous couple plans, the genuine communication, the conflict negotiation, the positive affirmation, the empathy, the understanding and all the forgotten goodness that made it possible in the first place.

A good wife/gf is meaningless if being good is taken out of context from the positive relationship between the couple - for there is a difference between playing a good role and being a good partner. What you have shared is largely the former, which my sense is that it could have overshadowed the latter.

My heart goes out to you; you are injured but not permanently incapacitated. Do not let this experience maim you, but strive with determination to grow from this episode and be a stronger, wiser woman.

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 251013

Originally posted by Purpleoceanas:

Dear Auntie Agony

U know I am in the state of confusion for the past one week. I really don’t understand a guy’s thinking.

Here is how the story goes.

I was training at the gym with my friend when a guy randomly approached me for my number. Things went well initially. We agreed to meet up for dinner and movie. He gave me a good impression through the dinner and movie.

I eventually agreed to watch the second movie with him, this time a horror movie – since he was quite enthu about it.  

Half way the movie, he asked me if I was feeling cold – and my response was – nope I am ok since I am wearing a cardigan  and I wasn’t really frighten by the movie coz i like horror movie.

Perhaps he realized that he was getting no where , and he suddenly whispered into my ears saying that he likes me alots and wants me to be his girlfriend and held my hand. I swear my mind was frozen for that second  coz I was really engrossed into the movie.  He asked If I was angry when he held my hand.. I was not angry , but just in state of shock. I did not pull my hand away. But I realized I soon made a mistake.

He became v touchy the moment I didn’t let go of my hand. He pulled me closer to him, and was kissing my hand and head through the movie – which made me feeling super uncomfortable.

After movie, he continue to hold my hand and I did not let go either coz I thought I could give this relationship a try.

He did not want to go home after movie and suggested supper near his house. We took a cab home and in the cab, I did told him that we were moving things abit too fast.. maybe we should slow down thing alittle.

Anyway , after we alighted , we didn’t went supper coz he said he was not hungry anymore. But he said he wanted to drink . so we went to buy a can of beer for both of us at the nearby 7-11. Initially, we were drinking at his void deck. Soon he tried to coax me to go his house. I initially refused, but he pleaded me till I had no choice but to his house.

So we went to his house and his parents were still awake when we entered his house. We went to his room and there was no chair for me to , and I had to sit on his bed while  he go and showered .

At the point, I was feeling v scared coz I felt unsafe and started texting my friend to let her know where I was.

Anyway he was out from the shower and wants to cuddle in bed. ;x which I agree but soon he was getting out of hand – where he tried to kiss me and climbed on top of me which made ma panicked. I was struggling to break free, and making a big fuss of wanting to go home.

At this moment , my friend called, and I answered the call, lying to him that it was my best guy friend who called to check on me. he was really upset that I choose to pick up the call and reported my whereabout to “him”.  We had a minor argument – where he eventually agrees to hold my hand, and hug and kiss me only and he will not force me to go his house again until I am ready.

He eventually sent me home  , and at my void deck, he asked for a goodbye kiss, which I did give him but I pulled away again when he touched my breast. ;x  anyway I went home and I sent him a sorry text as I don’t meant to end thing lidat.

The next day, I went to meet my own friends , and most of them discourage me to continue with him.

He didn’t not text me again until night time – around 9 plus to confirm our meeting on tues( it was a ph) .

I did not  reply as I was out with my friends. And by 11 pm, he got angry that I did not reply and he called me. actually I was drafting a text to him, explaining that I just want to be friend with him first and see how things go. But becoz he become too aggressive ,  I was too afraid to answer his call.

Nevertheless, after some texting ( some exchanges of  nasty words here and there) – we decided to talk over the phone instead. I tried to explain  to him my standpoint. But to him, he keep saying that I am hurting him, gave him a roller coaster ride and playing with him. .. eventually he did give in to my request of just being friends.

After that call, he did not text me again. I tried to contact him – texting him if he still wants to meet on Tuesday, his reply was “ he is already meeting his friend, sorry dear.. “.

 After that text, I did not hear from him again.

I really want to give this relationship a chance but I guess I ruined it with my own hand. 

What should I do if I want to win him back.. but yet I am afraid that he is just after my body. :(



You did not ruin this relationship with your own hands; there is no relationship to begin with, so how can you ruin something that doesn't exist? Technically speaking, you didn't agree to be in a relationship just yet.

You proceeded with intention of a prospective relationship, but he proceeded with the intention of having an express queue to sex. Your womanly instinct already sounded an alarm, which hinted you to text your friend on your whereabouts. Emotionally, you are already confused (together with some alcohol to bring about greater judgment error) - however, I can sense that you still would like to give him a chance (despite all that happenings and your friends' disapprovals).

His own needs has overwhelmed him completely, insofar that your needs are being compromised. He does not appear to be genuinely interested in knowing you as a person, more than knowing how he can satisfy himself physically.

He is looking for a quick physical fix; you have to figure if this is what you want.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 251013

Originally posted by IndonGirl:

For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to take time to read my long story to understand what happen to us.

I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend. This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man (since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents. After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we become close friend.

For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun. Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.

Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will be good.

Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and my family but now no more.

After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him to faster get married because his father also already give up of him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known each other.

On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he gambling.

On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting. This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father (that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my parents and let my parents know what had happen.

My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not 24 hours together.

At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide really come to my mind.

The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible, respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is accepted.

Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again. Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9 o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone, follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and sometimes meet client.

Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store. At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents, don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.

In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want, I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their house and stay there for few days until my parents come.

My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too. And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit together with us, say sorry to my parents.

We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.

Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst. They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be good.

Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold, after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint account name. He promise to be truth and many more.

Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not. Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly happen, Along can come to look for his wife.

Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money, have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he feel angry.

All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell house to clear debts.

Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle, leave him struggle him self.

Am I a bad wife?

All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many time by his father about his gambling habit.

We have date but as u know we are from diff country so of course can’t often date like in the same city. Sometime he visit me and vice versa. Usually I stay at spore just few day because I still working, he also can’t always accompany me have to work and I feel not so good to every time go spore stay at his friend house. That’s why I think should be ok if we don’t take long time in relationship since many people I trust said he is a good guy. He and me also not young already.

Before married, I ever said want to cancel. I found out that he talk more than action. I think I need time to know him more but what can I do he told me that if cancel I have to responsible for the dinner party too. Its a dinner party at 5 star hotel, so expensive. Me where got so much money, some more I just post my resign letter as he ask me to stop working and start prepare for wedding things. He said he will give me pocket money and will take care of me. At that time, many thing happen to his family too, father sick go hospital, brother got car accident. His friend also had scold him because of his bullshit, then I think give him a chance see how. If until the married day he still not done some of what he promised me then I will cancel my wedding. After resign he did give me pocket money 2K/ month as he promise. He did some renovation for our new room. No one tell me he is a gambler.

During his tough time, he got send me pocket money too but of course not as much as he promise. He send every time I ask money from him. Come back to my country, every month also have expenses. I think its no wrong for me to ask from him, am I right?

We seldom message or call each other already after I come back to my hometown. I hate to hear I miss u, I love u. For me all this is bullshit. If u love me, should u cheat me, should u hurt me. Just wait and see whether he will do what he promise me or not.

When he ask me when will I go back to him, I told him will go back after his problem settle, house sold, I got my part as he promise me. Many time he ask me and I give the same answer. But then I rethink, will he give me those money? Why not just push him to faster buy new house. And when not enough, can u those money that he promise will give me. So the next time he ask when will I go back, I told him after he buy new house, If not I will not go back.

Finally house sold, he already got money he forgot what he promise me, he forgot he already married and wife still waiting for him to do what he promise. I message him ask him have he find new house? How will he give me my part as he promise me. I message him many time ask him how and he don’t want to reply me. Then after a month I call him, ask him how, I told him it is not possible for me to keep staying at my hometown, hiding from people. And the answer I get is ‘I will not give that money, I have put all money into business so if u want to come back then come back otherwise I can’t force u too. I will only give you allowance every month’. Is this what he should answer me? Is this my husband?

I told him to give me money so I can do some business since I don’t know I will stay here for how long but he don’t want, he said he never ask me to work here but ask me to go back to him. If readers are me, will u just go back like nothing happen?

Then I told him, he still owe me. When I am there, he ever borrow money from me. He also haven’t give me enough for my allowance as he promise. This time he send 7K for me. He have send money, if readers are me, will u go back to him?

I think many days and still can believe this horrible marriage . Is he ever love me? Really love me? Why when the time I ask for cancel, he don’t want to cancel. Is it a mission behind this married? So stress every time think of this thing. Why my life become like this? Am I did a big mistake in my past life that’s why now I have to receive all this. Suicide or be crazy always come to my mind every time I can’t cool down my mind. I feel so unfair, have been cheat from the beginning we know each other. Are we girl born to be cheat, to be bully? I want to find my woman right but I don’t know how?

I really can’t endure anymore what he had done to me, I message him said that better we separate and start prepare for all the documentation if he can’t do what he promise me. How can I trust him if he always promise but not do it? Told me will stop gambling but who can guarantee. His attitude, irresponsibility, unrespect, nothing can make me feel happy and secure to be with him anymore. He no reply me, then I call him and told him. The answer I get is ok tomorrow will look for lawyer to settle. He really hurt me again and again although I want to divorce should he straight away told me that. Why he didn’t say ok we cancel when I ask for cancel. This is men, I don’t know is all men like this or not but for sure is I really can’t trust anyone anymore except my parents.

if readers are me, what will u do? Will you go back to him since now he already have job have business, have give you money, have promise will not gambling? But no house and didn’t do what he promise write on agreement letter.




It is quite a mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.

***

Your situation has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2) he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is interested in you.

Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him because I foresee little future, etc).

In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the 'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome from your ideals.  

Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to you.

When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones), suicide is unnecessary.

***

The talk about sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red flushes.

Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.  

Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having all the information about the person at hand. After all, many people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are poor reference for decision making in love.  

P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.

Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.

Cheers