Recently, I have been engaged - proposed to my fiancée and the finally having the dream of being able to make plans of tomorrow. It was conclusion of a proposal plan, but ground zero towards planning to live a life together.
It is a struggle - of deciding to make a choice between pragmatism (to apply a house first) and lifespan because I find it strange to discuss a mutual future together, without an explicit commitment. Frankly, asking a woman to register a house with you is already some form of implicit proposal. in fact, it is already a great deal of commitment as the consequence to back off from a HDB deal after you have committed into it would easily set you back thousands of dollars.
Therefore, it is already a form of proposal - albeit not the kind that most women want.
Hence, wouldn’t it be wise to propose first and make your plans later?
Well, I will share one fundamental challenge and I term it as the “Twin demons of Finances and Biological Age”.
Let me walk you through a common thinking:
Premise one: I need to finish my university education first so that can earn more in the future and provide for my family.
Premise two: Although I need to work for a few years to clear educational loans, in the long run, I am likely to be better off. Simultaneously, I can also try to save up for wedding and house
Premise three: I need to have a new house immediately after my wedding, so that I can then start my new life together. Staying with in-laws is a no-no as there is too much horror in laws stories. No children before the new house.
Premise four: A new house will take time to come (unless I am willing to pay for one at resale market).
Premise five: Therefore, I would need to apply a house way before, so that I can plan my wedding near the date when I can collect the keys to my house.
People are marrying later, not because they want to, but the route towards adulthood by a standard pathway is already a delayed process. For example, if you are a guy going by a JC pathway, it would take you reasonably 25-26 years old (for a 4-years university education) before you start earning your first dollar (not considering the fact that you are likely to have educational debts). Unless you are fortunate to hold a well-paying job with great increment/bonus prospect, you will probably need to work for a few years to pay off your debts BEFORE you are debt free enough to start serious savings.
That is only considering the fact that you did not incur additional liability like purchasing a car.
And if your lady is the same age as you, this will likely to post a problem because woman would have a much earlier head start. Using the same analogy, a girl going by a JC pathway will complete her education by 22-23 years old (for a 4-years university education). She would likely to clear her study loan earlier, have more CPF in her account and hold higher salary (that is before childbirth of course. In the long run, statistically speaking, man will somehow earn more).
However, if she dreams of having children of her own, then she doesn’t have forever to decide.
When you combine the above profile together, you get a typical marriageable age of 29-30 years old for a middle income family situation.
So is that why the twin demonic problem of finances and biological age result in many problems?
People want to secure their house early, settle their dream wedding and have children before a certain age.
I hardly hear people talk about having the importance of a stable relationship, an emotionally intimate and connected love that inspires you enough insofar as you want to genuinely spend the rest of your life with this special person. And my sense is that people assume that this is a given process – that’s to say that all relationship will develop itself into this picture of love.
The horrific truth is that our local statistics shows that about one in three marriages will fail. Therefore, this seemingly natural picture of love is not as common as we think it existed. I find it more troubling to hear “Fuck, my relationship is in trouble, but I have an awesome house” than “Fuck, I don’t have a house, but my relationship is awesome’.
The true meaning of a proposal is not merely to spend the rest of your life together; it is a conscious choice to relinquish the options of dating someone else romantically and forgoing all possible opportunity cost attached to such a possibility. Engagement is the first step to ingrain this belief, not because of any external factors that ‘leave you with little room to negotiate’ but the understanding that you are given full freedom of choice and this freedom of choice is him/her.
Man - just remember: your woman is not obliged to say yes even if you proposed. And when she says ‘Yes’, you want to be sure that it is because she loves you. Period. Not because she needs to ROM with you within 6 months upon having key to the HDB. Not because she wants to have a grand envious wedding by 27 years old. Not because she wants to have her first child by 28 years old.
But because she loves you. Unconditionally.
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