Aunt Agony 110207

Originally posted by sggirl07:
Recently, my boyfriend's separated wife, who is of cohesive terms with him, came to singapore with their son (she is a hongkonger), and obviously, they stayed over at their matrimonial home.

being sensitive to the feelings of his wife and their son, of course we do not meet up often. maybe only once a week.

last night, he told me that he will be going for a traditional family CNY trip with his family, and his wife and their son will be going too. to make my heart sink further, i was told that her family will be joining his family in the trip. her mother has contracted terminal diseases, and this is her last trip, he says. and asked me if that is ok. asking me about something that is goin to stay, and is not goin to change? wat was i supposed to say? i kept quiet.

I am really disturbed by this. and confused too.

Where is the line? Am i being over sensitive or is he just being insensitive? :(


I supposed it's not a matter of what you could have done or what choice you could have made that could possibly salvage your situation. Frankly speaking, this man spells doubts in bold print to me - I don't understand why people are claiming him as 'honest', when in fact he's actually playing the 'honest wildcard' as a calculated resort when he's left with no choice.

In fact, he has actually deceived her.


Originally posted by sggirl07:
i knew him for 3 months before we were tog. during the first two dates, i asked him specifically if he was married, he said he is divorced. asked him if he had kids, he said no.


Your case reminded me of the frog theory of karmic relationship thesis I wrote in CloUdiSm - When you heat a pot of water till boiling point and throw a frog in it, it will leap out instantaneously. Interestingly, when you put the frog in the pot of water and gradually heat the pot of water, the frog will not escape and instead, allowed itself to be boiled to death.


Originally posted by sggirl07:
...Where is the line? when is it that i can start saying i am not ok?
i only knew about his wife and seperation after we were together. i said i was ok.
he wife came back with son, and they staying under one roof,
i have to say i am ok.
we cant meet up often (max once a week), and i have to say i am ok.
and now they are goin away for CNY, for an overseas trip, with both sides family, can i be not ok now?

This phenomenon is found on you, as quoted by the paragraph you have posted above.

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Personally, I cannot condone deception on any level, especially when it's proven to be false later on. I think you have contributed a portion of your own plight by suppressing your voice and emotions. It's obvious that he wants to seek out a best of both world solution for himself and because you are able to accept, however reluctant you are, by remaining silence, the advantage goes to his 'separated wife'.

Understanding this, I will talk about the moral conflicts appearing in your case:

Yunhaier believes that Love and Moral has little connection between them. One might argue that it's only morally right to allow him to go on a CNY trip because someone is dying in the house (which could possibly be a lie... nobody really knows) or even put you out of the picture when his son becomes part of the equation.

When you want to love someone, I say hell with external consideration that adds 'no value' to your relationship. Meaning, you do NOT have to put up with considerations that degenerates your overall well being and serve no greater purpose in your relationship - it becomes a choice when you decide to endure, therefore you face the consequence of your choice. Perhaps, it would be the best if you are accepting towards this issue. But if you are unable to, it would be even wiser to cut your loses now before you truly burned out. I hope you do understand that your love is NO way a simple/conventional sort of relationship - it is fraught with difficulties and challenges that promises emotional hardship and torrent of tears. I agree with ChocoB - if you are unable to picture this, then this relationship is probably not for you.

Cheers