Aunt Agony 231012

Originally posted by foreveralone:

Need some serious advice / or simply hear me out.

I've been lurking around here on and off once in a blue moon and there's something bothering me for a long time and I need to get it off my mind.

I'm a working professional, below 30, getting married next year, we even bought our own BTO. I have a healthy and loving r/s with my gf who is a SQ cabin crew. She's pretty, has very nice body and all. A lot of people may be envious of what I have, but inside I actually felt very lonely (or not enough). She gives me a lot of attention but whenever she is overseas I crave to resolve my insatiable desire for sex / hook-ups.

I actually have a list of contacts of flings to talk to and hang out with whenever she is overseas (which she often is). I went dinner/drinking/clubbing with them behind my gf's back. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I just enjoy the thrill of the danger and also the company of the girls. We never have sex but mostly some light petting and kissing.

Now by no means are the girls whores. They are also working professionals, some with bf as well. It's just we have had a long lasting relationship flirting and such, and I know my way around with girls :)

I don't know what's wrong with me. When my gf is with me I am perfectly fine of course. But when she's not around, I feel like a dog looking around for a bitch to fuck (without the fuck of course).

And the worst thing is, I may have a crush on her younger sister as well. She just turned 20 and I have already went clubbing with her once (just me and her). Though she looks up to me as a brother and a future brother-in-law, I don't know how I can control my advances on her.

I'm not ready to visit a shrink because I know I'm not sick. Do I have a sex addiction? If so, how can I change? I have a addiction to porn as well and I can mast multiple times a day. Please help!

You seemed to have an awareness that 'something' is not quite right; somewhat skirting around the border of promiscuity (or have you already crossed it?). Personally, that depends heavily on your perception of what defines a 'cheating behaviour' - apparently, you seemed cool about having light petting and kisses with others, hence your thoughts about having 'no sex' non-committed flirting relationship might seem 'alright' to you - but I doubt your other half could readily accept this arrangement unless this is an open relationship.

It is always good to seek additional help if you could you feel that you are losing control, however, I just want to caution you one important thing: it is easy to give ourselves a label of 'addiction' so as to abnegate your responsibility of your action because we often 'attribute' the cause of our action to our 'addiction', when in fact it is but a matter of choice.

For example, have you encounter times when you need to pee, but because of that fact that you are in the middle of a conversation/meeting, you actually made the choice to hold your toilet trip until the conversation ends? Surely, peeing is a natural biological urge and it seemed crazy to stop yourself from going to the loo - we do put ourselves in discomforting situation unconsciously due to variety of reasons. 

The only difference between my above analogy is that choosing to go to the toilet abruptly is unlikely to bring about serious repercussion from your significant other, while having sex with someone else behind your gf's back is a morally questionable choice. You could say that I have a 'sex addiction' and I have 'no choice' but to keep a list of numbers so that I could pick from the list randomly whenever I wanted, so as to satisfy my physical needs. 

However, the point is that keeping this option in this fashion is likely to ruin your relationship in the long run. Surely you could remain the way you are, but your outcome is clear - it is a destructive road ahead unless significant changes could manifest. In some cases, you might not get a second chance. If you deemed that this relationship is important to you, then given your current lifestyle, realistically, it does not help you to stay 'dry' and instead, promote this 'old' behaviour in an exceeding dangerous manner (clubbing/flirting/excessive engagement in porn, etc)

I can see that you are contemplating; however, the choice between contemplation and commitment towards resolution on your issue is usually separated by one huge chasm - whether we really want to resolve it. If not, it will end up like having eczema on your last finger - we don't usually give a damn about it until our skin start cracking, bleeding and flaking. 

P.S: Myth buster number one: you don't have to be sick in order to see a professional. You could see a counsellor and just have a chat to understand about the scope of your problem.

Cheers   

Aunt Agony 191012 (Continued from AA 181012)

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

Yunhaier:

thanks for feeling what i have gone through...u really still the best love consultant in this forum har..

" is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness." Yeah this sound like a tragic storybook flipped..and drama..

my curiosity would be ‘why now?-> i also want to know why now..i highly suspect is 3rd party but he say no...and he say only recently he start to think why he did not go overseas earlier for his career advancement..i am quite sad as his future plans on overseas career , i am not in the picture..so maybe it leads to him thinking what to do with me...maybe he don't feel he love me so tell me all these..he say he can give up everything because of love...he say he feel back always mocking at me when he treat me coldly and i always very nice to him never got angry and patient with him..he start to find out what's wrong and if this will keep hapening in future and will not be fair to me...he saw husband scold wife in public and reminded him of himself and he feel himself very bad... and why and how to save this relationship...but he say he only find out why ->because he don't love me but yet to find out HOW

.. I tell him "Love need 2 person to put in effort and to work on......can we salvage this ? " he answered "don't force me, let me think.." and he is saying if he go china, i can think also...I feel like he is hoping for me to leave him first..he say he know i love him very much..he feel very sad to hurt such kind girl like me...so he say i can scold him bastard or jerk..all he can say is Sorry..everything he thinks now is his career..he wan to excel...so he cannot commit..

i am trying to save this but i don't know how long i need to wait for his answer...if i move in to the house, it may be better, it may be worst..i really don't know..seem like he is pullin the string to where i land..i know the situation but yet i still canot tell myself to give him up..so end up maybe i will be suffering for few years waiting for him...and telling myself he may come back to me..one day....

Damn stupid woman am i...

:(



If it has something to do with his career and strictly not a third party, your position is still somewhat slightly better. However, I do find it contradicting when he said (in your earlier post) that he is afraid of 'falling in love with other girls', which seemed to me that this is somehow inconsistent with his stance of wanting to be career-focus. If that was his reasoning, then he shouldn't be worried about falling for other girls, much more than worried about not advancing fast enough for his career.

There are a number of possible hypothesis; which is why I say it really depends on what is going on behind screen.

For example, a man could find growing affection towards another woman but he might not technically be 'having an affair' because nothing is cast into stone. In this case, he is right that there is no third party because nothing has happened. But the circumstances probably made him realized something about the relationship, which has caused major quakes. In that case, career-focus might not be the reason; it also served as a convenient distraction from the real problem, almost like a form of escapism.

Truly, there are several tracks to this. However, what kind of decision you make depends on how much information you have on hand. The good thing about having more information is that you would discover discrepancy by comparing notes. Out of curiosity, I have a few critical questions:

I) If he doesn't love you from the start, what kept him going on for so many years? Brutally speaking, is he is waiting for the right opportunity to leap to someone else better?

II) Are you giving him any form of pressure or obstacle when it comes to his career? If he could cope with having you and his career previously, what made the change?

III) Does he mean that if he wants to focus on his career, he doesn't need or want any relationship? Or does he not want you only? But he is fine if someone else comes along?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 181012

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

anyone can help to advice me ? i realy dono what to do...in a lost now..

i am with my bf for 8 years til this year we got flat and ROM then busy renovating house and buying furnitures..then sudenly recently he got opportunity to go overseas to work for 2 years...but will come back every 3 months for 1 month..then he also all along wana go overseas for career..he is very career minded...so we have earlier planned that i can visit him as and when..while working in sg.

BUT recently he sudenly out of a sudden.. told me he realised he don't love me anymore...he say recent 2 years he treat me coldly and he feel he only like me and not love me...he say i am too good...and i am very nice ...he like my simple..before me, he actualy dump a few months girl to be with another girl for 2 years but was hurt by her who betrayed him..so .all along he think find a simple girl to be with is good enough but he say he is deceiving himself.he say he expect something in love which he never tell me...he say he see people mushy he feel envy but he say he cannot visualise me mushy with him...he is always very man...how to be mushy with him ? funny...*** stupid man...

.......he say he really hurt me a girl who have put so much in him...and his family who put so much hope in him....his family is very traditional...type..so he haven told them anything yet....he say sorry is only word he can find to me.....my heart was from top splashed to bottom...imagine i am all along so happy thinking i am so fortunate found a gd man...n gettin a new home for us...really disappointed...devastated..y i am such a devoted girl also wrong/? being nice is also wrong ...dono y heaven play such a joke to me...

just few months ago we were saying to hold our customary wedding after he come back...nw he tell me he cannot commit...and he scare he may fall in love with other girls...what the hell..i really suffer shock and depression...he say he need to sort out his thoughts and feelings...he say there is no third party...but he is goin to CHina to work.,..,..not sure if he is suffering from post marriage symptons having cold feet..or he rely dun love me anymore

...he say he is very sad ..he say he.think alot and having sleepless nights before telling me all these !...but it is not fair to me..he is being selfish...y all these years so long then realised he dun love me? and i think if he go china very easily will have possibility in another relationship...i do not want to give up this relationship...my friends think i am so stupid...if them sure will slap him and dump him since his heart no longer with me...

..i also think i very stupid..if i will to advise my friend i also say same thing..but now it happen to myself..i feel i cannot bring myself to dump him...i feel so useless..****..my heart cannot let him go...feel very sad ..i still hope i can do things to move him...now...with my best before i regret...if i really let go now...i am the kind of person who will try till the end before i give up......i really in a lost...now i going to move in the new house with him..and next year he goin overseas...now we still remain as husband and wife status..my friend say i will suffer more if move into the house as if he go overseas i will start anyhow think...but i feel its my house i got the right to move in ***..he say he is still thinking now...if he wana salvage our relationship..faint...Y man can be like that? i always say marriage is a gamble...now happen to me..i really canot bring to say that happen to myself..i go temple pray every week hoping he will change his mind..i think i am really stupid...i dono hw to stand up...really lost..then recently after he told me these, i been trying to win back his heart... i buy dinner for him during he ot..he feel happy...but later ask me y i keep buy diner for him recently n say no need..  i even do a touching video putting all our photographs to touch him...then he told me we are still husband and wife after seeing the video...dono what that means..i think he is still thinking..

please help me...give me some advise...

so depressed and sad.. i know i can choose to be happy but yet i cannot control my heart thinking worst tings hapening..


I sense your deep pain, hurt and anguish; truly it is a great struggle having to lead a relationship of eight years - only to see this dream shatter into glass pieces seemingly overnight. It is only natural to be adamantly attached to the past and the length of the relationship, especially since the taste of marriage life is about to begin in your new matrimonial home.

It is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness.

It takes two to clap; surely your last effort in trying to salvage a relationship is an effortful feat to protect what’s left of your relationship, just remember that no amount of persuasion, influence or coercion could resurrect a man who has never loved you because you cannot lose something that never exist nor fix something that has never been there.

Our disappointment and sadness would naturally fall through tears upon this realization. I truly feel you.

***

He is contemplating because there are many factors to consider, many things to ‘lose’ and many systemic damage to minimize. In addition, it is likely that you do not have full information or reason for his decision. If he could lead eight years of a ‘loveless’ relationship, my curiosity would be ‘why now?’ Granted that there might be push factors (e.g. he doesn’t love you actually… not the one he is looking for, etc), but I believe there are also events happening, unconscious to you, which generate significant pull factor/s.

Love is not a gamble; we all take calculated risk. You married him because you love him and not because of chance: there are emotions, experiences, time and investment plough into the fields of love. It is not merely dice rolling, entirely at mercy of luck and chances.

Other than trying to win back the relationship, I suggest you might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and know the ‘pull factors’ at work to understand the terrain of the battle you are fighting on. Only then, you could have better clarity of your relationship and decide what you could or should do about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 161012

Originally posted by TheAddict:

Okay, this is my first time posting in the forums, sorry if its in the wrong session.

a little background info;
the guy is in his 30s and is currently going through a divorce. he has three kids and i'm young. he is an introvert and keeps thoughts to himself and he is a bit quiet until you loosen him up. he has very little friends, he is very logical and rational (i know all man are like this, but he is extremely logical). i know he is a nice guy, otherwise i wouldnt fall in love for a jerk. i am actually quite independant for my age but this guy really makes me go crazily in love with him. he is just my type, if you put it that way. he makes me clingy to him, but i resist the urge to text him all the time and keep our conversation short so as to give him space.

Well, he and i had a relationship for 3 months. everytime i spend time with him, i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him. okay, so i havent felt his love for 1 month, therefore, this week, i went to ask him about his feelings for me. it turns out my feelings were right, he doesnt love me anymore and he only loves me as a friend now. 

at first i wasn't angry and was very very hurt. he kept apologizing and said that he needed time to sort things out and he asked me not to leave him and that he will try to find the feelings back. at first i was determined to leave him if he doesnt love me, because well, whats the point right? so i went mad and told him that he would actually grow old being lonely if he doesn't even want to give this relationship a try. he told me he isnt interested in a relationship right now because of all the things that he is going through (troubled and stress from the divorce). but as time grew, i find myself thinking of him every second and i cant sleep well and i just love him so much. i dont want to get over him, i want to get him back.

i told him about my feelings and try to get him to reminisce the good times that we have so that getting his feelings back for me would be easier. i told him that i still wants to be his girlfriend and he said he dont want to hurt me. he said 'okay we are still together, but we will not have sex okay?' so i agreed. i then told him that he has to promise me to at least try to have his feelings for me back. he didnt reply and 5 hours later, he asked 'what are you doing?' like i never said that..

before i slept last night, i texted him goodnight and that i love him. he changed topic before that, but the next message he sent included a 'love you'. i know he is fulfilling his duty as a 'boyfriend' but do you think that rekindling our love is possible? if i were to bring him to places that we first held hands and first kissed, does it matter? should i let go or keep trying, because im so in love with him? do you think he is still in love with me, but is afraid of having a commitment since he just got out of his marriage? do i ever have the chance to experience love from him again...?

i dont want to keep having these conversations with him that makes him say things that he doesn't want to say. please help me..



When we are in love, our executive thinking function partially shuts down. It is where our sense of reasoning and logical thinking lies. Thus when folks say 'love is blind' - it is somewhat true.

If you are truly 18-19 years old, then there would be certain elements or factors that you have deliberately downplayed to pursue the love you desire in a seemingly reasonable fashion. For a man in his 30s, he probably experienced a good deal of how love and relationship have been functioning in his life. In terms of social age, he is far beyond your level of mere companionship and relatively untainted feelings.

Other than his reason of 'having no feelings', he is likely to feel ambiguous about this relationship. Surely, part of his sexual and emotional needs are satisfied through you, however, it is a much greater hurdle to convince himself in reality that he (and you) is in for a real relationship after his wife exit the scene. Three children, financial obligation and negative perspective from external family and friends: these are very real issues he would have to deal with if he wants to upgrade a seemingly need-driven relationship into something more concrete.

You might want to figure out what exactly you are getting out of this relationship and what is stopping you from leaving. More often than not, these are intangible qualities, value or event that extends itself beyond just 'I love him.' Sometimes, falling for a much older man reflects the absence of close male figure/s in your early childhood environment. The possibilities are numerous; however, having some clarity would help you to sort out internally if this relationship as a whole (not just a selective part) is what you want and what you need.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 111012

Originally posted by Olljwdkq:

I'm an 18 year old taking my As this year. Up till now I don't really have problems in my life, right till now.

Almost all my friends are attached. In my 2 years I've chased 4 girls without luck. I'm not a flirt, perhaps it's my defense mechanism, to move on quickly after I get rejected. I just feel so lonely that I'm forever alone. Often I wonder if it's because I'm short, or I'm ugly, or what. To be honest I'm not short, I'm perhaps a little below average. And I don't think I'm ugly, but then I can't get a girlfriend, so maybe I AM ugly. I don't know. (I'm not posting my picture)

Recently there was this girl. Last week (I ended school at 12 and had something at 4 so I wanted to study in between) I texted her if she was studying (I know she studies in school) and she said yes, so I went to join her. It was productive, we chatted a bit, but not to the extent that we couldn't concentrate on work.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had a school event including her and I. She asked me to eat dinner with her. Maybe I'm thinking too much, but from this I'm thinking she doesn't HATE me, right? I mean why would you ask somebody you dislike for dinner? So all I'm saying is it's a reasonable guess that she at least does not dislike me.

Anyway we didn't eat dinner that day, because I had something cropped up the last minute.

So anyway I asked to study with her again (because I studied with her once and it was productive for both of us + I was under the impression she at least likes me) and she said she preferred to study alone. Note that when I studied with her she was studying with a friend, so I'm not sure if her friend joined at the last minute (like me) or if she was just blowing me off with an excuse.

Today I went to study and saw her and joined her. There was a girl there (a different one). When the girl left she said bye to her. So I don't know if they were studying together or not. (She is really sociable and has lots of friends so maybe the girl could have just joined like me, I don't know).

So 1) I'm really confused: If she likes me enough to ask me to join her for dinner, why won't she say yes to studying with me? I'm not even asking her out on a date! I just wanted to study together. And if she's not comfortable around me, why the f*ck would she ask me for dinner?

2) I'm frustrated. My head is in a mess. My mind is f*cked up. What's wrong with me? Is it my character, my personality, or physically I'm just defective? Why can't I find a girlfriend? Am I that bad a catch? In what areas exactly am I not on par with my friends?

3) I'm so lonely. Right now I don't even want a girlfriend! I just want a female companion, a friend. A person to study with.

What's wrong with me?

Too much analysis causes paralysis.

You probably felt the need to validate your own self worth by believing that for as long as you could hang out with at least one girl, it would somehow raise your esteem by a notch. This is normal and natural development for people of your age; in which our identity is pretty much tied to the kind of association and friends we hang out with.

The fear of loneliness is one of the most common reasons why people desire a 'Boy-Girl' form of relationship. But it's not just about being attached per se; the fact is that our love and belonging needs are not adequately being met. Hence we always feel the void to fill them with something and our logical mind perceived that as BGR. However, it is a vicious cycle because every rejection would naturally cause you to distort, withdraw or reinforce your defensive mechanism.

In reality, what you are probably missing in life is not merely BGR; in fact, it's likely that you don't really share very meaningful relationship with people - both boys and girls (immediate family members not included). And meaningful does not mean romantic.

Ultimately, we are all social creatures - the need to feel connected to another person is a real need. Other than studying, you might want to figure out what you usually do during your free time and how to expand your social circle beyond that of just academic activities. Focusing on interest and activities would greatly help to defray the prospect of loneliness, have fun and improve our social capital.

Cheers

Fallacy of Recovery

The rate of recovery from a defunct relationship is an area of Love that people often have problems grappling with. Some people really struggled with the outcome of losing their relationship more than others; however it is not always suggestive of the fact that those that 'fare better' are less attached to their relationship - it is really about their own conception of the problem regarding separation and death. People with difficulty in coming in terms with these concepts generally faced greater issues because the lost of their relationship is really just another aspect of death.... another aspect of separation.

I will address the fallacy of recovery, which people often subconsciously adopt and fuel their own misery.

I. Expecting recovery to happen naturally

Recovery is NOT a natural process; it does not happen naturally like how you shit naturally after a few meals consumption. Recovery is a constant active process, in which we constantly battle the relapses, the flashbacks and the depressive moods. It is a conscious choice to pick an alternative behavior or adopt new ones to help us cope with the death of our relationship.

By not doing anything to engage our body, mind and spirit - it is likely to maximize the misery we are going to face in full frontal effect.


II. Expecting to recover instantly

We are only humans; expecting us to recover immediately after a break up is almost like asking for the moon. This is especially true for the ones that have grown so attached to their other half and the sudden separation is more likely to bring about a period of chaos, confusion and disorder. Some people have this false belief that if I do 'this' and straight away I will recover. Good attempt, but chances are relapse are also as likely to happen.

Be gentle on yourself. Time (and action) needs to play its part to ensure that recovery has a fair chance to manifest in your life. It is not magic, so don't expect miracles to happen on your emotions.


III. Expecting recovery, while maintaining attachment to a nonexistent relationship

This is a common fallacy that people suffers from; although it is painful to lose a relationship, it is equally painful to retain ourselves and get attached to a relationship that no longer exist. The emotional craving does not get sated in any ways and this certainly brings about great misery. They are likely to lament that nothing help them to relief the pain, but unconsciously, they are choosing the behavior to perpetuate this misery. It is like punching the wall and praying that it does not hurt - the distortion in reality and delusion will only serve to direct ourselves in a downward spiral of depression.


IV. I can forgive, but I can't forget. 

Asking someone to forget another person in my opinion is one of the worst advice commonly being dished out. Realistically speaking, how can anyone ever forget anyone? Unless you suffer from dementia, which is not likely to happen until another 50 years time, this suggestion is as good as a meaningless quote.

You CAN'T forget anyone as a matter of fact - you can only get USED to the feeling of leading life without your other half. Getting used to a discomfort feeling is not quite the same as forgetting the source of your discomfort - the latter is bound to fail.


V. I won't forgive him/her - how I can just let him/her go so simple? 

Sure you won't forgive; but even if you don't, your ex will likely to be out there making merry and getting back to his/her life while you are miserably depressed about your spilled milk. Your forgiveness is NOT a permission for your ex to move along in life; your forgiveness is basically a self forgiveness - where you forgive yourself for making an unwise decision or making some mistakes in the past that has become irrevocable.

Nobody is perfect - accept that some circumstances are beyond our control. Without self forgiving, it makes recovery a difficult process.

Emotional People. Rational People.

Emotional people likes talking to rational people because they want analysis from rational people (especially on relationship) as the logic behind rationality sometimes serve to understand their circumstances better.

But at the end of the day, emotional people finds it difficult to carry through the logical plans like how rational people do because rational people segment logic from emotions, while emotional people drive logic emotionally.

It is not that they don't understand the logical plans in an intellectual sense; it is that they find it emotionally difficult to execute the plans the way rational people do. It is like if I am not brought up in a culture where eating with bare hands would allow me the enjoy the food better; it is not that I don't know how to eat with my hands. (Duh. Just use your hands and eat it). But instead, I must feel comfortable in using my hands to eat before I use them to eat.

So are you emotional people? Or rational people? :)

Cheers