Aunt Agony 071208

Originally posted by annoy-you-must:

I first met, and fell attracted to her 5 years ago, when I was in secondary two.

We were just schoolmates. We know each other, but never actually talked. Nevertheless, her features and personality strike me as really attractive.

However, as another self-pitying boy with inferior complex and no guts to speak of at that time, I did not approach her, get to be her friend and know her better.

(I dared to share my feelings with few people in fear that the wrong words may spread around in school. So I wrote down my feelings on various online forums, including sgforums. What some people told me was that I was too young to know what love is, that it's just puppy love and I'll forget her soon. That I should concentrate on my studies

I've not forgotten her. And I did reasonably well for my studies despite thinking of her.)

And so, I tormented myself emotionally and mentally for two years before both of us graduated from secondary school. She went to poly and got a boyfriend soon afterwards. I went to JC.

All these whiles, I've not met a single girl who is able to invoke the same feelings within me. I was not attracted to anyone else as much as I was attracted to her. She was the only one, and she did not even do anything.

Since I don't really know her, she is probably not what I thought of her to be in the first place. But I can't stop thinking about her anyway.

Even though we became total strangers, even though it's even more impossible now, I still think of her from time to time. Not as much as I was as an emo kid in secondary school of course. But I still think of her and wonder how she is doing, if she is happy, and if the present would be different had I had the courage back then to even take the first step approach her.

A few months back, I ceased being friends with her on Friendster. I don't know if she deleted me or it's a problem with Friendster. I know Friendster recently had some problem with some account's friends, some people's friends count dropped drastically.

But that problem is now solved. Most account's friends count are back to normal. And I'm still not friend with her and can't view her friendster profile. How can I help but not wonder anything?

You may think I'm pervertic, a coward or just plain childish. I'm actually stalking someone on friendster without daring to take real physical action. Perhaps I am. But my social skills is not that good in the first place, how can I possibly approach a total stranger?

It seems like she has broken up with her boyfriend recently. I inferred that. So it kind of made me think of her all over again, and wonder how she is doing now, if she is happy or what.

After saying (or typing) all these, I rekon my obsession sounds pervertic or psychotic.

There's no particular question I want to ask or answers that I want over here. Just felt an urge to spill out my feelings somewhere.




You might think that you love her (since the feelings pretty much withstand a tremendous amount of time), but I am going give you my two cents which might let you consider otherwise.

***

If your feelings, X, fails to initiate an action, then X is mere fantasy. If X exist in fantasy, hence, X exist only in potentiality and not in actuality. Therefore, X cannot be considered as Love for Love must first exist in actuality and must be mutual (人爱者有理，爱人者有勇).

I will give you a simple philosophical analogy:

Suppose we are hungry and we want to abate our hunger, our natural instinct will prompt us to eat. The existence of food (Love) and the act of consumption (Initiation of Love) must occur simultaneously before our hunger pangs will vanish and achieve satisfaction (Relationship). The entities by itself are meaningless unless they conjuct with one another and if we Love without acting, it's akin to having food without consuming - the hunger persist.

We harbor fantasy for all sorts of things, people and dimensions. In fact, we might even lose track of our reality, especially when we abdicate our self awareness over such illusion. It's common for people who indulge in fantasy because we are unwilling to shatter this image by putting dreams into reality. We prefer to give beautiful descriptions about our worship with imaginary and wordings - many times, so perfect and immaculate that we know at the back of our mind if we were engage this extraordinary person in reality, we will gradually be forced to abandon our fantasy because nobody can be as perfect, other than the figure in our mental construct.

The fantasy that we have grown to recognize and feel so intense for has completely supercede even the person per se. This ironic phenomenon is supported by a macabre veil of deep-rooted fear of rejection, overwhelming passiveness and gnawing narcissism.

The signs are blatant: I encode in CloUdiSm as people inflicted with 'Neptune's deranged effect', doing a lot of things that appeared to be significant, but often under anonymous concealment. With proliferation of blogs and social networking sites, it's effortless for such surreptitious behavior in enabling one to be updated with the life of another, without actually having to interact with the person.

Think about it, as much as you have deemed this person to be significant over a vast period of five years, she probably doesn't even know about your existence. You probably belong to the same rank as the stranger who brushed passed our shoulders everyday when we walk across the street - the significance is almost negligible.

The fact that this fantasy persisted because you continuously breathe life into it. Your refusal to discard the 'life machine' supporting this one-sided affair compromise your entire Love life as a whole. As such, it's likely that you have never been in a relationship before (a proper one) and because it's poignant to reckon that we are almost 'a clean sheet' in Love (CloUdiSm termed it as 'The Void' under the 'Law of Clean Sheet'), the fantasy flourished as it merely take the space of the void that nothing is residing currently.

You might think that nobody can invoke the kind of feelings, but I can tell you, a lot of that rationale comes from the fact that you are going around the market, asking for the duplication of your ideal product and as you are so focused to find this ideal product, everything else (which could be possible) are dismissed without adequate understanding. Hence without adequate understanding, it's no wonder the nurture and developmental aspect of Love never manifest in your life.

Your time is better off getting to know new people or enhancing your socializing skills and opportunity to allow you to do just that. That strategy would pay off much better than lurking online and revelling in your narcissistic affection for her.

Cheers