Aunt Agony 020908

Originally posted by PurplePapaya:

Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.

He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.

I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.

Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?

Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.

With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.

I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.

I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.

As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic?

Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?




I just came back home and is fringing tired. But I felt that I just had to reply to this:

There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love (CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering this periodic burst-fire.

As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind would function.

Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances, but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as latent effect. I will show you how:

You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter). Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.

Only when you regain control consciously, would peace arrive.

And so does the guilt.

When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.

***

I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you have wrote:

Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control.
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.

***

If you study the above flow, the ability to manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity to avoid triggering them.

But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality, regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open floodgate and release.

Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.

Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart might need some comfort and assuring.

P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance forward.

Cheers