Yunn, thanks for your thoughtful post.
Why is it an intensive karmic bond? In physical aspects, I try my best to do right from wrong. Whether it comes to him or any other options, I avoid veering towards temptation. Sometimes I manage, other times I don't.
I quit picking up his phonecalls neither do I make contact. I avoid contact. By some twisted chance he keeps coming back into my life. Is it my subconsciousness at work?
I've been in serious relationships but never been in love. Haven't dated anybody exclusively for a long time now. Your post brings one question to mind, something that's been nagging me from time to time, am I normal? What do I do from now on to turn things around?
At times I veer off course and consider whether it's necessary for me to take a step forward. Be nice. Go for dinner. Give it a try. Do this and do that. Respond a little, pay him a visit, give him a phone call. Is it all connected? Are things the way they are today because I lack the ability to show this person, or any other person, any kind of affection? Or is this just the way it's supposed to be. And it's best for me to just leave things as they are because he's just a jerk to begin with.
Did he severely encumber me, or was it my own doing? Who was wrong about it? I stagger along these two ideas, unable to decide.
I know you're no step by step guide out of any problems, but what would you do if you were in my shoes? I don't think the problem lies in this person. The problem lies with myself. If I were him, I wouldn't want me. So why should he? Or anybody else?
Anyhow life goes on and I have many questions but never enough answers.
Will take things as they come for now and keep myself busy enough with work and stuff.
Karmic relationship doesn't define itself as a 'right' or 'wrong' relationship. The morality of a relationship is mere segmentation perceived by humans, churned from different sets of value and beliefs. It merely spells it as a relationship that produce tremendous lesson that leaves behind more than just footprints in our lives. Often we degenerate; may not always be in linear sense, but holistically speaking, something is stolen away from us surreptitiously and we can't seemed to revert back to 'once upon a time'.
In general, we called it experience - what I did was to define this experience as karmic.
Twisted chances you say? Or is it self fulfilling prophesy? There is an equally high chance that you subconsciously bought the idea that he will never go away and your thoughts merely deliver this exact result into reality for you.
What would I do?
You write well and I have seen long essay of your old problem a year back. Surely, there are probably some unspeakable emotions that cannot be expressed into words, racing through your consciousness randomly every other moment of your life, like some kind of macabre affliction. Therefore, you probably think, ponder, consider, conclude, reject/accept ten times more intensive about the emotions you cannot express, than the ones already written here.
The reason why you don't feel this vehement hatred towards him, albeit he has been condemned as a jerk by everyone else, is because he did satisfy a hidden, unconscious need you never realized in life. And I want you to understand that this vulnerability probably stem from some kind of aberrant development during your earlier stage in life.
You are right in saying that there is 'something wrong with yourself' - therefore the exercise you need to accomplish is to uncover what went off-key in your life and what did his presence actually do to paralysis your unconscious wounds?
Of course, it takes more than just an online forum like this to understand you as a person, because what works for me might not be as effective for yourself. Therefore, only by understanding one’s root where the rot began to fester, would one be more competent to combat current and future 'infections'.
Still, to answer your question: I will eliminate contact forever. No exception whatsoever. Period. Rational being: if you can't handle it, then avoid putting yourself into such predicament. Then I will nurse myself with massive introspections and reviews about this scenario and figure out what do I learn about myself from this ordeal.
Cheers
Originally posted by jackdaniels:
I write with feelings of confusion. I'm not quite close to agony, but my situation is enough to jostle a few sleepless nights now and then. Seeking advice from people here, what would you do if you were in my situation?
I tried breaking contact. I deleted his numbers. I changed my numbers. But no matter how hard I try, as always I'd end up revisiting the same old grounds going through the same old feelings. The phone rings while I’m fast asleep, I pick it up in a hurry and it turns out to be him. Either that or I do not recognize a new number and I wind up picking up the call. The cycle is getting tiring. And I have long concluded we’re headed nowhere.
A few weeks ago, he asked me why I never seem to call him or initiate contact even when he’s back home. I reflected asking him why should I? I’m searching for a person who can be around for my ups and downs. Not some kind of ninja (like a forumer once described) who appears and disappears at will. To pacify the situation he told me he’d be around when I need him. Even now when he makes the effort to make more contact while overseas, I view it as his latest attention-seeking ploy.
Am I too cynical about this person or am I a dimwit, back up, spare tyre who keeps falling for the same old tricks?
Along with most of his other three worded sentences, I’m hardly a believer anymore but I'm finding it arduous to keep him out of my mind.
What I do not understand is why is that no matter how hard I try to be rid of this person in my life, he has to keep coming back. Why he isn’t getting the hint. Is it because he thinks I’m really this stupid?
Feel free to be harsh.
So we are back to square one; I checked my database and recalled replying to your post 290507, 310507 & 300607. Perhaps the difference now and then is that your earlier awareness confirms your need to sever this intensive karmic bond, yet you have no idea why you never succeed.
Yes you are right in saying that a dubious relationship with this man is meaningless and aimless. However, if you take him out of the picture and relook at your life holistically, it doesn't actually change much. What you are facing is the lack of strong conviction to remove him because in the first place his presence doesn't consciously change the existing structure of your love life, albeit in essence, it does affect you emotionally negatively. It is as empty as a shell.
Are you in love with someone else? No.
Are you exclusively dating with someone else? No.
Because your love life is almost defunctive, even if a jerk was to creep in and take shelter, it doesn't really matter because the real dude has not arrive to steal your focus away from this ridiculous relationship you had with him.
To worsen your plight, it seemed to me that you have a very passive attitude towards changing your situation. You want to cut contact, yet you questioned yourself why didn't he get the hint and leave you alone. The problem lies not with him leaving you alone, but rather how much determination you have to tear away from this bondage. Logically, why should he initiate to leave since he can continue to milk sex from you? Hinting him to get out of your life? Oh dear, he is probably anxious that this uncommitted free sex is about to expire: better make more calls and shower more attention to ensure that it continues.
My dear, you can't stop him from trying to contact you, but you have a choice on whether you are contactable by him.
Until the day this conviction is clear, you will never walk out of this.
Your emotions and mind is probably jaded. You might subconsciously tell yourself 'what the hack... what's the difference between having sex with him for the 65th times since we did it 64 times already.'
It's no longer about the sex or the relationship you have with him.
It's about you being severely encumbered by this scenario, decapitating you and robbing your ability to see interest in anyone else.
Unless you change status quo, you will remain in status quo.
Cheers
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
Yunhaier
so what you're trying to say is that i must slowly figure out what i really want out of this friendship?
and my actions will bring out huge consequences?
yes, i'm indeed confused at times whether it's love or just a normal friendship bond and that gets me really lost in life.
and now i'm stuck in treating her good or distance myself a little more away from her.
one of my friend once told me " there's always a limit to being a friend . " [ cos she suspects something about me that time ]
is that true? is there a limit to being a friend? I didn't know that being too good to someone will bring about harm.
and today that girl msged me, and i replied in a rather unhappy tone. and she msg me back " since you are so unhappy i won't disturb you further. "
am i right in doing this? I don't know how to reply to that. i don't know if i should talk to her. i don't know if i should just keep to myself from her.
Your action will beget consequence to your own identity - the identity you carry. If you are clear about your own definition of how you see this friendship, being a good friend is merely being a good friend. But if you are always within the grey area, you are just making things difficult for yourself and her as you will probably resort to hot-cold treatment to ease the intention. That per se creates misery for both.
It is not the perimeters that the world has set for what defines a friendship, rather, it's your self understanding that will enlighten you on the underlying rationale why are you behaving in that manner.
Identity confusion is an adolescent phase some people go through. It doesn't mean that if you are having some sort of crisis, it automatically means that you are a gay person. You just need to learn to segment emotions and feelings from within and put names to these classifications so that you are able to recognize and differentiate them.
Of course, at the end of the day, if you are hell of a sure that you are in love with your bestie and internalize that you are a lesbian, that's a completely different story altogether.
Learn to know yourself. Speak to someone else you are comfortable with (probably not within your social circle if you fear words might go around) and release some of these closet thoughts. You might actually feel better and discover more about yourself and learn to make better judgment.
Cheers
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
To Yunhaier:
yes i agree with what u said.
anyway i've decided to live a life of more of my own.
but the nights are the hardest. i always end up with thoughts of her. when i catch myself thinking of her, i would just knock my head n force myself to think of other things. it's just so hard. i can actually lie in bed thinking for 2 hours before dozing off every night.
and during daytime all i think is to sms her or chat with her online. i have to control myself. i can't seem to distract myself well. You guys can tell me to go out with other friends.. but the problem is money.. i can only go out let's say twice a week with friends.. and then most of the time at home i'll be playing games or watching videos. There are times i feel very lonely at home.
How do you guys suggest me to do if i wanna keep my mind of her?
You can't coerced feelings out of your soul the way you extract egg yolk from the whites.
Everything MUST come from within - if the acceptance is not genuine from your inner self, the top-to-down demands issued by your mind will not be assimilated into motivation to change your circumstances. Basically you are only trying to dissolve this crisis through artificial pressure, but if it ever hits your breaking point, you will probably implode, especially when you are caught simultaneously in a low emotional state.
I don't need you to forget about her; I only need you to understand yourself, as well as to fully understand that not all Love are the Love you know. It doesn't matter whether you end up being a heterosexual or a gay person because you live with the consequence based on the choice you pick. Love does not discriminate it's cosmic lesson based on your choice, because everyone suffers various degree of pain/hurt in Love.
You seemed to reveal traits of insecurity, similar to characteristic of any lover that also display signs of obsession.
However, one can only hope to dissolve a karmic relationship through cultivated wisdom and higher realization. Thus the understanding of the essence of Love truly transcends all state because Love per se is pristine - just that our decision in life often draw us towards complication.
Sometimes, we live in false dreams; gazing at the surrealistic motion picture, we consciously already know at the back of our head that this is not exactly something possible. But we still hold onto a deluded possibility that things might just happen for the weirdest of situation.
Even so, will that bring you fulfilment? Or more pain and suffering?
You got to internalize these questions inside and appease your forbidden love from rebelling.
A child will not willingly eat his veggies unless his mother forced it upon him. But there is only so much a mother can do to make his child eat those greens. It would be a whole lot easier if the child understand the importance of eating vegetables and have him accept it as part of his diet from a young age.
You are like the child.
Think about it.
Cheers
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
okay i admit, i'm female and she's female.
she was my classmate in secondary school. she wasn't in my clique yet , only around secondary 3 she joined our clique cos we ended up in the same class again after streaming.
that was when we two became extremely close, like besties.
i fell in love with her during that period of closeness and we have remained close ever since.
only till the beginning of sec 4 i intro-ed her a guy whom i know [ cos i tot i liked that guy and i was hoping that the guy liked me ]
in the end i found out the guy was jio-ing her. and soon after i've received a msg from her that they stead liao.
and yea of cos i got deeply hurt and i'm not gonna emphasis too much on that cos it'll result me in self pity again.
and now it's been 2 years since they have been together and they are still together and the problem here is,
i'm still in alot of pain whenever i tik tat she is with him, and we quarreled quite a few times when she cldn't go out with me.
but then when she is with me i feel very happy as if she is the other person in my life.
and sometimes i really do feel like telling her the truth and stuffs like that. i regretted alot not confessing to her in the past cos i almost have a feeling that she had a little feeling for me too cos i did alot alot to touch her heart many times. that's why i felt that i had a chance, but of cos ruined by that guy.
and now i'm stuck on telling her the truth. [ take note i'm still besties with her even tho we're diff sch now ]
shud i tell her that i have feelings for her for 3 years already or just kip my heart shut and wait till .. when?
once i've imagined her wedding day in the future and i reali had thoughts that i will commit suicide on that day cos i know i will feel alot of pain if i have to attend her wedding.
i even pictured myself willing to undergo sex change just to be with her for the rest of my life.
so i'm still very confused whether i should continue being good to her and wait for her or just move on. [ but i know the second option is damn hard. ]
one thing i have not yet spoken about is how i feel towards her,
yes sometimes i really do think that maybe cos i just needed someone by my side and i may have mistaken it as love.
but the feeling was more than that. I always wanted to protect her from hurt from her stead. Whenever she's sad and stuffs like that i'm always there to cheer her up and make her smile. I always want the best for her, like her birthday i always think of ways and means to surprise her and make her happy on her birthday.
and for the sex change topic, i'm not someone who rushs into things without thinking. i just imagined myself in the future doing that just for her. but now i know i have no right to go for sex change because firstly, my family is one factor, even if my family accepts, there is still friends and relatives. there's alot of impact that will affect my life.
and yes i do want a happier future where we both can still be in contact with each other and close with each other [ without any more pain here on my side ] Forgetting her is no longer an option because she is a best friend whom i know will last for many years later. I've tried to talk more and socalise more with guys but i just feel that i'm always more comfortable being with girls.
I also admire girls who dare to chase other girls like speaking out their feelings and so on. they're just so brave and even if they got rejected [ i know some cases and heard of them too ] they still end up great friends with the person they like.
anyway i feel that i need to live my own life instead of living a life of hers. like always waiting for her to end school or end work to talk to her. always wait for her online at night to talk to her. alway wait for her to go offline den go slp.
don't u all think my life is a waste?
It's not just a lesbian thingy; it's coupled with an unrequited love/fettered by your socio-cultural environment, which suggested the likelihood of a karmic relationship. Your relationship with her is close to the point of obsession and her presence will probably heighten your unhealthy obsession towards her. This is one classic blueprint of a karmic relationship and generally bestow you nothing but misery. Thus, there is no way you can remain close, yet without you having to feel the pain because your suffering is derive from a combination of sexual identity crisis and delusion.
You are feeling intense because of your inability to resolve this sexual identity crisis and simultaneously, you are unable to liberate your suppressed emotions and live a free soul.
Therefore you must first understand that this crisis is very real and it's not something that goes away naturally by sleeping. You wore a mask for three years and shouldn't it be the time to get it all out once and for all? But surely, you must take into consideration that she might freak out and your friendship might never recover ever again.
You need to do what you need to and move on if things don't go your way. If she is only treating you as a good friend, all your 'affectionate gestures' will not be perceived by her romantically.
You need to have a stronger sense of self awareness and decide your route in life.
Only by knowing, would you be able to understand the path you opt to take eventually.
Cheers
Originally posted by Joi_lin:
I am depressed for being so single, and can foresee myself being left on the shelf for the rest of my life. Really envious of people who are good and healthy relationships. I am already in my late twenties and didn't engage in the relationship for years. I feel I have already missed the boat in finding a partner as most of my colleagues are married or engaged. I feel there is a stigma attached to singlehood. But I do not want to walk into a dating agency and grab anyone who fancies me. To me, relationship must be mutual.
So many people around me already talking about babies, mother-in-laws etc.I feel so outdated. And often get questions about when are you getting a boyfriend? getting married? you already not young, do not be choosy, etc etc.
Sometimes, I do wonder if every woman on earth must get married. I somehow feel an unmarried woman has some inbalance in her life. Looking at some of the unmarried old woman I know, they seem to experience certain things like bad temper, insecurity, loneliness, defensiveness, extremely sensitive, etc. I just afraid I would end up being like that soon.
Many a time, I wonder what is wrong with me. I always feel awkward when I attend gatherings/ lunches whereby people talk about their other half. Usually people will find me pleasant , in other words, they think I am simple -minded, easy-to-please person. However, to the contrary,I am more opinonated and independent. Perhaps thats put people off. And after the first date, I didnt hear from the other party anymore. Then, again I wonder if i should act dumb, pretend to be agreeable to look more attractive to others, in other words act according to my looks. By the way, I am not even materialistic in the first place.
I just find it frustrating. Sometimes I think maybe when I hit the big 30, I do not want to socialise anymore. Everyone will be talking about partner/family issues which I can no longer understand.
I think I can make up part of growing singles, who are not welcomed.I already started to feel the stigma.
What do you guys think of women who are left on the shelf? Problematic?
Your worries are not unfounded - you are facing an intimacy VS isolation crisis (Erik Erickson), and if you are unable to find someone to share intimacy, you are apt to fall into isolation. It isn't simply just because you are single and alone, but because simultaneously, you do not have a solid cause in life to redirect your focus or fall back on.
And this is affecting your self image because now you reckoned that there might be 'something wrong' with you because it seemed that the world have entered into their next phase, while you are still stuck even at the first step of dating.
Everyone here is saying 'oh being single is good, because you have a lot freedom, time, etc.' But the problem is not about the lack of freedom and time to do what you want, but rather, the lack of ideals to burn out the abundance of time you have on hand. And thus, very naturally, your biological clock and your social environment will start pressurizing you till the edge of the cliff, until you take the plunge into isolation and give yourself up.
Being single is not problematic, but I do not agree that people should be single, if they have a choice not to. It's not a social stigma thingy that I am looking at (in fact, I am hardly a conformist); it's the individual growth factor that one will greatly miss out if he/she adopt singlehood, despite having decent choices.
In Love, there are several dimensions of 'afflictions', but not every affliction is 'fatal'.
Most afflictions are reversible, if you can diagnose the hindrance that is obstructing your path in Love and provided if you are determined to change your fate. I do not believe that you will be left on the shelf, if you are actively seeking to evolve yourself.
The difference between both genders is that women are generally passive towards finding the right one. They rather wait and die waiting, than having to appear desperate. Somehow, you probably believe that time and fate must work hand in hand mystically to create the possibility of love.
But I tell you, it is not a one size fits all approach because contrary to popular belief, fate do not come naturally to all (CloUdiSm classify phenomenon as Barren Affection).
***
Originally posted by Joi_lin:
I need to say most of my friends are female. Perhaps it is my environment. I do not know. I am not that extremely outgoing type and I dislike patronizing clubs and pubs. I do not like outdoor activities. Not that I have never tried before but it is really not my cup of tea.
***
The reason why your current situation does not improve over the years, it's because your current life does not change much. The equation is logical. If you want to witness improvement, you got to spur a drastic revolution. From your above statement, I conclude that you are probably more inclined towards a homely person or your interests are generally solitary activities.
What are your chances? Minimum?
Highest common factor on why people are still single over a long period of time - they dislike socializing with people outside their core group and generally prefer to 'swim' around familiar areas, doing the things they always do or being the person they always behave.
If you want to ignite the first spark of Love, you have got to allow yourself the opportunity to be able to provide you with the options to do so. You got to have more options or make more options for yourself. If you have new interest to indulge in, you allow yourself more opportunity to know new friends. If you have new cause to pursue in life, you will find more like-minded people who will share the same ideals (e.g. a religion). If you are willing to evolve yourself, say when you learn to better doll up yourself, you improve your self esteem naturally when you feel good inside and outside.
Every plus points you actively initiated, will translate into a positive outlook and you will naturally be attractive when you strengthen your self identity and learn not to be encumbered by all these worries.
Trust me, quality mates are not that difficult to find. The problem in most people is the lack of self awareness and the strategy they employ.
Cheers
Originally posted by shadez:
I'm currently in a relationship and lately, i've been feeling emotionally drained inside. I see my girlfriend everyday but i don't really get sick of her, i actually enjoy seeing her daily as i miss her alot when she isn't with me.
Due to her school work, recently she has become very irate. She would blow up at me for nothing and sometimes, i feel like i'm her punching bag. I admit, i'm not a boyfriend who gives her alot of freedom, but i'm very sure that i try to meet her every demand. I fetch her from school everyday so that she has someone to share her day's events with...
We're arguing almost everyday, and 80% of the time, i'm the one giving in and apologising to her, trying to make things right. Whenever she stomps away from me in the heat of an argument, i feel really hurt as she doesn't even turn her head to see if i'm behind.
Sometimes, i try to do what she does, not looking back and walking away. But i found myself unable to do it. No matter if it was her fault or mine, i would always want her to be on good terms with me and therefore, would always make it a point to make things better.
If i were to judge myself, in my own opinion, i would think that i'm the softer party in this relationship. I can't bear to see us arguing but sadly, i feel that she can be very hard-hearted at times.
It's confusing to me, as i feel that she really loves me. When we are on good terms and she is happy, she would make me promise her that we'll never argue again. But in the end, another argument would sprout out.
We've had countless arguments on the phone, when we're outside. The thing i disliked the most, is that sometimes she'll say "whatever...".
I still love my girlfriend, and i'm emotionally drained. The thought of breaking up is unthinkable as i can't imagine myself to be without her. She has told me before that she can't live without me too. I've been together with her for almost 8 months already.
To whoever is reading this, if you had been in my situation in your life, would you care to share your opinion and resolve? Much thanks to anyone who helps.
Being in a relationship tells a lot about ourselves and often wondered why are we leading 'certain' relationship we never understand. Well, that's because you are trying to examine a problem within the structure of the relationship, when the root of it all lies with the self.
You have so much insecurity in you that could probably ping flood me out; you admitted that you are domineering and exercise control in her daily life - therefore, it's not really surprising to see frequent quarrels in your relationship because your insecurity is gnawing the life out of your Love.
You mentioned that you try to 'meet her every demand like fetch her from school everyday so that she got someone to share her day event with...'
Wait a second - doesn't it sound more like your demand?
***
Originally posted by shadez:
I see my girlfriend everyday but i don't really get sick of her, i actually enjoy seeing her daily as i miss her alot when she isn't with me.
***
Interesting how one would reposition their perception insofar of having the ability to fit the claim so nicely and yet logical - this self justification of what you think is good for the relationship is merely a product of your unevolved perception. If your relationship suffers and not benefit from your definition of what Love is to you, then you might have to review the entire relationship from scratch again.
The reason why you are always compromising on your part, even till the extend of lowering your dignity, is because you are afraid that one day she might just turn around and walk away forever. Your fear of leading life without her presence coerced you to accept any odds, regardless of how ridiculous or unreasonable it seemed.
Your behaviors are driven by fear, much less motivated by love.
The paradox in Love: the more you fear you will lose her, the more damage you will unconsciously deal to the relationship.
Cheers
