Just for you

I realized I am getting acrimonious about my circumstances; something that I detest to see myself falling into.

Not surprisingly, considering how scums hide themselves in shadowy path while I strode on light.

As much as you reckon that you are quietly observing me from where your monitor is and displaying your pathetic keyboard warrior skills, let me reveal to you a shocking news - you have been under observation way before your brains could smell detection. Same goes to everyone of my bitchling contacts; they know who the hell you are, even if fire seared your face until it resembles your sad ass; you are a KNOWN entity.

I witnessed how you moved like a scully rodent, happily gnawing your way to where you think the cheeze went, totally oblivion to the fact that you are actually being led by the nose. You reckoned that the prize you seek is near, but in reality, very much further than you think it is. In fact, I doubt you will ever succeed in attaining even a fraction of what I had done.

I absolutely abhor imitators and I spit at you from the very depth of my soul with utter disgust and contempt. You know what? Interestingly in your subconscious, you were wishing that you were in my shoes - not in the literal sense, but from an abstract thought and POV (if you could comprehend my meaning).

Your futile effort and relentless spirit is ignorantly commendable because you will come to an epic realization that you will never achieve anything out from being a servile, hardworking manwhore. Even should you succeed in your attempt through sheer slavery employment, your short-lived contentment will be almost like a stray dog's quick lapping of milk, slipped carelessly from the edge of its master's lips.

I am not saying it as an taunt, in fact, if you think hard enough -you will see truth in my words.

P.S: I am so confident that you will read this. Among those that are not invited here, I am so fucking sure that you will self-invite your presence.

Aunt Agony 160709 (Follow up on AA 280209)

Originally posted by Jerry1:
Hi Folks,

I am back again..After 4 months after the incident which I've posted the thread below..I am still facing the same problems again..I am having the same old fears..I scared of being played out althought my gf sweared to me many times that she will not do such things ever again, will shoot by thunder etc..if any problem happens between us she will make sure that we do not have any links before she can find someone else to take care of her..But I cannot stop asking her for assurance every now and then and I also do not know what is wrong with me?

I do have a past history of OCD and was cured with medications 4 years ago and it seems to be triggered back again after feb 09 when I posted the thread below after knowing her past..

I really do not know how to make myself trust my gf, she was truthful to me for the past 7 months we been together..She also changed alot like starting to save money..Do not spend on unnecessary things..Also she will avoid any strange msn guys, also delete off any speeddate guys messages..She will discuss me on things first before proceeding..She also rejected some pervert msn guys looking for sex partners after I peep at her old msn history logs.

I also have a peep of her old msn history with the 2nd guy whom she was involved with in the previous thread.. Althought I know that she was dubed into such arrangements with that guy after seeing those messages.. "She kept on telling that guy that they should remain as friends and not to treat her so nice: (不要对我这样好就可以了) because she knows that there will be no outcome between them..but that guy kept on pesting her/treated her very nicely, told her that he cannot leave her & promised to give her commitments etc even if the family objects" She then decided to give that guy a chance for him to love her.

Another conversation with a mutual msn fren of her's after tat incident was: (真的好累好累！很想找一个来依靠。。可是原来世界不是我想象那样完美的咯！兜了一大圈原来到最后全部都是假的。。。所以我开始越来越不相信很多东西了。。其实我也是一个普通女孩子而已，难道要找一个真爱那么难吗? 我付出的我从没有要求回报过，可是到最后我给人家弄得多么残吗？别人把我当傻瓜。。)

After seeing those messages secretly, everyone in the right mind will think of her being played out & learned her lessons. But I still can't seem to stop worrying after all the information I've known and after her giving me lots of assurance.

I think my OCD is causing all these and wanted to put a stop to it.. I know that even if I get another gf with a nice background, this OCD will be causing problems between us..



Your association with OCD might have suggested generic links that might actually require intervention on the biological aspect of your issue other than just tweaking of psycho-social environment. To improve your overall competence in handling your own crisis, you might want to seek professional consultation to decide if your OCD is making a comeback.

If biology is indeed part of the influence, then there’s only so much your environment could do to reassure you. Only your psychiatrist can decide if medication or other form of intervention is needed to improve that aspect of your vulnerability.

However, for everything else, in name of all that mistrust (which you have decided that you can’t help but feel this way), it is but a devil in your emotional mind that constantly play tricks on your negative feelings. Your negativity will perpetuate a self-fulfilling prophesy and you will likely end up immolating your own relationship, even if it originally doesn’t steer towards doom fire.

The relationship doesn’t need another person to ruin it – by the natural flow of situation (without considering other factors) - this person will end up being yourself; you will suicide this relationship with your doings.

You see: she doesn’t need to cheat you – your mind would have probably succeeded in cheating you first, by distorting your reality and providing you deluded perspectives. For love cannot be chained – your effort spared to investigate her daily living will promote mistrust between couple and over the time, this behavior will consume you like how a demon would ensorcelled a foolish seeker to give up his soul.

Between Love and Fear – when you end up losing this relationship – Fear would have glee sadistically at your decision to believe in its false reality. And Love, which has the potential to blossom into a great relationship, is now nothing but withering and dead, with multiple stab wounds punctured by a blind man.

Love is blind – because most people end up destroying their relationship unconsciously. One that walks with no vision is no different from one that walks with no self awareness.

Both are blinded, albeit in different state.

Cheers

Kayla x ShrodingersCat x Yunhaier

Originally posted by Kayla:

Apparently, I have fights (verbal) with my uncle almost every single time he's at home and he's really going over the top (making lots of noises and deliberately trying to damage stuff like the kitchen sink)

- He's currently staying with my family cos he isn't married (my grandma's house)

- He's always annoying me, my sis and my grandma (always asking questions repeatedly like "have you eaten" or saying lame stuff like "hello" when all of us are really busy with our own stuff and there he goes talking crap here and there

- He kept saying that me and my family (parents and sis) should just get out of the house cos this house's his (btw the house's under my grandma's name)

- Unemployed, stays at home most of the day talking crap and cleaning (using water as if it's free and the more we tell him the more intentional he gets)

- Another note: it's my parents who are dealing with the daily expenses and monthly bills (he doesn't pay a single cent)

- Gets money from my mother daily (if no $$, he will get keep on ranting on to my grandma so no choice)

- Tries to get money from me and my sis too

- Sometimes pretend to be sick to get money from my mum to see a doctor

It's as if we can't "offend" him bcos we're afraid that he will hurt/annoy my grandma whenever the family's out.

So um, after much contemplation, i've decided to seek some advice here on how to really deal with this guy who's really causing lots of troubles and headaches for us (finances and also mentally)


Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:

I used to have an uncle like that. From young, I would see him demanding money from my grandma to buy cigarettes. It lost my respect for him when I was young and since about 7 or 8 years old, I never greeted him or called him 'uncle' until he died. He used to like to talk 'rubbish' to us too, asking inconsequential things, but by behaving very rudely to him - he stopped.

I felt he was such a loser. No job, dependent on my grandma, and everytime we visited, he would be just there staring out at the corridor, smoking his endless chain of cigarettes. HOW to respect someone like that?

Well, one day, on our way home, my mom received a call from my grandma. My grandma said that my uncle had committed suicide.

You know what's my first reaction? Not pity - it was 'walao eh, that stupid loser die also must cause pain to everyone! especially my grandma!'

We went to my grandma's house immediately. For hours that night we were busy with the police, busy with settling all sorts of things.

While the 'elders' were busy, I was sitting there looking at this toy helicopter he left behind. it was a cheap helicopter, can only run round and round and round on the wheels. and the wheels were worn out and dirty.

Suddenly, I had a glimpse of this man's life - sitting all by himself in his room, no friends, no real family who cares for him, no work, nothing - just sitting there looking at his helicopter go round and round.

Throughout the funeral, little things about him came out. How he was the one who would cut my grandma's toenails for her. How he always helped her to clean the fan. How when he finally won a 4D prize (he buys them endlessly with her money), he bought a painting for the house. How before he died, he knocked at my grandma's door and asked her to talk to him because no one else did and she is the only one who bothers to.

And u know, now that I am typing allt his, it has been years and I still feel so sad because I realised I was just one of the people who have killed him slowly and surely all those years. I wondered if he was autistic, that is why he simply couldn't get along with people very well. He never asked the correct questions. In fact, towards the end, he never talked to anyone of us anymore. My mother told me he had been like this since he was young.

Would things have been different if I had been a little more patient, a little more tolerant? Take him a little less personally? I mean, besides being really 'irritating' and irresponsible - what else is he REALLY guilty of? is he an evil or bad person?

And if he is not really a bad person - why did i treat him the way I did? Cos I felt 'self righteous? That HE shouldnt be treating my grandma that way? Does it make me a better person than him?

His death taught me a lot of things. But I am very sad and ashamed that it takes a loss of a human life to teach me what I needed to know.


For a wasted life, in that moment of retrospection - nothing is truly more regretful. A human life, born out of rational mind and fed by substance of the earth, only ended up leading an meaningless life from cradle to grave - until ashes to ashes. By Nichiren Daishonin's term, it would probably meant that the unpolished gem remained unpolished, yet constantly assaulted by dirt and buried even under thicker layers of soot. Even until the day of his passing, he probably never knew what he inherently possess and the possibility of an individual in the creation of a legacy and divinity of one works that could surpass even the duration of our limited time.

I like that way Cat analysis and pen her words:

"Suddenly, I had a glimpse of this man's life - sitting all by himself in his room, no friends, no real family who cares for him, no work, nothing - just sitting there looking at his helicopter go round and round. "

There are so much one individual human being can hope to achieve, on the other end, one can also spent those time, aimlessly wander in limbo for all the time one can hope to achieve.

The world revolves at a much faster pace these days; so hasty that we are often unable to conduct a good conversation with another human being. Conversations are gradually filled with superficiality; although it is part of what a fast-pace society would do to communication, but it render human relationship less authentic and intimate and cause them to break down easily. I said this to someone 'in our reality, nobody has the time to sit down and listen to another person life story because this is the way how the world has work. Nobody gives a damn about your problem because it's not their problem'.

Alienation in words of Karl Marx and Weber are real phenomenon of society.

I remember a few weeks back, when this man (almost a stranger) came up to me and asked me what it takes to be a social worker. We had very good exchange, right in my office, where the world whizzed pass us with urgent requests and pending tasks to be completed - however, I still made the attempt to speak to him, even if that means I have to work later just to complete what I needed to do.

This man was much older than me (maybe almost ten years), but his visage revealed a worn-out man - someone who faced daily drudgery almost to a point of exhaustion. I questioned him and he naturally poured and shared with me some personal aspects of his life. Seriously, I have to thank him for the trust he has with me (you must understand that I am also pretty much a stranger to him as well as he is to me).

I realised I always end up playing such roles no matter where I went. Even at the brink destruction of my own relationship, that never cease. I met a few people during this low-period (you know who you are) and I must thank you for the time you have taken to be with me, even if it's just your presence, comforting words, prayers or intended lameness.

By doing so, you have tacitly revealed me that I am not just alone in a room, watching my helicopter spin all day round. :)

Cheers

Irenicus and Ellesime

"No Joneleth. You shall not."

"Who? Ellesime?"

"Yes, it is I, your Queen. Twice, now, you have attempted this sacrilege and nearly destroyed us all. You will not do this again, Joneleth"

"Do not call me that! I lost all right to that name when the Seldarine stripped me of everything that was elven, as you well know."

"And what shall I call you instead? 'Irenicus'? 'Shattered One'? Yes... it was a terrible punishment. But you violated everything we hold dear. You nearly destroyed us all! And for what? Power? Is that all that you exist for now, Jon?"

"It is all I have now, Ellesime. There is nothing else beyond my revenge. Revenge for what you did to me, what the Seldarine did to me!”

"And your revenge has poisoned your heart. The Tree touched you once, long ago. Do you remember nothing of it? Is there nothing in your heart that remembers love? Is there nothing within you that remembers our love? What we once shared before this obsession doomed you?”

"I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. The Seldarine took that from me, too. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me, along with all the others. Once my thirst for power was everything. And now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... WILL... HAVE IT!!”

“Then I pity you, would that you had used your stolen mortal years to earn your return to this sacred place. I could have loved you anew, as I loved the man you once were. But I see nothing of him here. You are Irenicus. And all that awaits you now is death.”

“We shall see, my former love. We shall see. You had your revenge, my once Queen, in leaving me alive, in taking away what made me the person I once was. And in taking your revenge, you enabled me to have mine. Even should I fall here and now, you will always remember that, I think. But should it pain you too much, then you know the cure. Perhaps in time, you will long to feel nothing.”

Aunt Agony 150609

Originally posted by Luvslegna:

I'm getting married, but...

I seem to have fallen for this guy...

what should i do?



You have your relationship (potentially a marriage) to consider, yet your heart has conjured another space to fill in another person into the picture.

This dark secret hidden in your psyche - you must decide if it's a push or pull factor that is causing your plight.

Often, people fail to see that their relationship has already been doomed long ago, resulted from malicious causes that have inflicted irrevocable damage. Just that the decision to leave their relationship wasn't effected, until the advert of a catalysis to change (in your situation, it might be the person you have fallen for).

Our monogamy society is such that a heart cannot house love for two separate individuals, just like 'a mountain cannot be home to two tigers'.

You got to decide what you need and stick with it.

Remaining in the best of both worlds (or status quo) will only promise you greater misery, hardship and karmic repercussion.

Cheers

Decision

I have never made such a necessary painful decision in life before. Never.

I finally experience the epitome of conflict between Mercury and Venus; of the mind and the heart.

Congrats Yun: you have gain a level of abstract understanding to incorporate into your extensive lore of love philosophy - at the cost of sleepless nights that drenched your face in salty wet, accumulated from droplets of unfettered tears tumbling down your misty eyes.

P.S: Just for this moment only: fuck philosophy.

I am so tired

Managed to pen down Greater Lost Syndrome in CloUdiSm - and I have found my backing in non-univocity of love with teleological reasoning through Aristotle concept (although he used it to explain soul and living being).

I kinda amuse myself with the thought that we had similar ideas even before I studied his stuff. If great mind thinks alike: whee! I am honoured. LOL!

Must work on CloUdiSm to catch up on all my pending sub-works.

P.S: I am exhausted. I need rest.

Cheers

Continued from AA 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.

All,

I'm not afraid of changes in the future but I'm afraid of the immediate changes when I asked for a divorce.

Anyway, I need to solve my 'meekiness' first and all the emotional baggages that I feel everyday.



So what if I have capture your fear? But you have capture none of my meaning.

I will quote your words and share with you a story:

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

[Quote] Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.[/Quote]

***

There was once in a meeting - one marketing manager was arguing with the finance advocate.

"Hey look, I need the money to run my campaign"

"How can you expect me to give you the budget if you don't show me the result?"

The marketing manager got pissed. Ane he retorted:

"How do you expect any results if you don't approve my budget?"

And the argument continues with no conclusion from both end.

***

Chicken and egg issues.

There is no such thing as complete immunity - there's only firm decision in doing what you want to do and to stick with it vehemently. To decide that you will only move if you have full protection gear, immunity, vaccine jab against H1N1, defensive equipments, body guards and absolute clear weather - you will never be able to move at all.

If you don't learn to make decision, then be prepare to stay in for another seven years.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 280509

Originally posted by Pure03white:

Hi everyone, i would like to meet girls and guys experiences for post break up.. Many thanks to you if you reply sincerely. I would appreciate so much for your advises.. Or do you have any experiences pls share with me your views of my problems? Thank you so much!

My ex boyfriend is 21 and i'm 23. We dated for 9 months in the same poly and course but different classes. We recently Broke up this March. It's realllly soo painful and hurtful for me. I couldnt forget about him till now. i know many ppl said if he meant to be yours, he will come back, if he's not, he will not. I have to stay positive coz im someone who thinks too much.

Since 3 months had passed till now, my heart seem to heal and i don't get nightmare about him. I don't know if he still got gf or likes someone else. We Broke up coz lack of trust. i contact my previous ex and told him that i went to meet my ex. He was shocked and couldnt hold his feeling any longer. thus he want to let go of me. he gave me chances to continue with me at the starting of our relationship. But i think that was the first time he felt hard to accept that i met my ex without his permission and lead to break up. My previous ex and me has nothing to do with each other. he already had a gf and is getting married soon. I kept telling him that my ex and i really had nth to do with each other and just friends. He didnt believe me and dislike him alot. Though they never see each other before.

i really wish how to woo him back sincerely. i try liking other guys but it don't work on me everytime. I try to move on too but he is alway in the back of my mind. Pls help!

He contact me just awhile to ask how am i. Sigh.. i wish things will be better if i stop worrying too much. Anyone who had this experience before?



How do you try liking other guys when your spiritual debt with your ex hasn't completely been resolved internally? This is a clear distinctive example of a relationship that are killed by the the spark of two separate causes that pronouce death in a relationship, but not yet love. (CloUdiSm theory of soul and structure).

Meeting up with an ex lover is a tricky issue because it seriously depends on the kind of guy you are dating. For most guys, it's a competition-cum-ego problem that they are hit with, when their gf date her ex-beau behind their back. A combination of that sour feelings coupled with reckless attempt to break up would often fuel a problem of regrets in the future, especially after when they have cooled down and become to think rationally.

It's not about a problem of ethics or morals, much more than an issue with expectation. Your man probably had an expectation that his woman shouldn't meet up with her ex at all cost, while you probably had this ideal that it's still perfectly ok to remain friends with an ex love.

You probably felt certain degree of guilt and hence, resulting in this inability to move on.

Two separate beliefs - one fatal error (that wasn't communicated).

Personally, I do not advocate anyone returning to someone who had trashed you into the bin like a waste paper. Albeit he might have his reason/s to feel angry about this situation, but to abandon the relationship entirely shows a lot about his attitude towards his own love.

If one decides that pride is worth more than love, then he will learn how much opportunity cost he has sacrificed to salvage pride. Do not expect instant recovery about a break-up - allow yourself the natural pace of healing, moving along your own rhythm of life.

Cheers

Current Mood

Desperately.

Aunt Agony 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.

i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me.

Also,i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).

so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.

i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.

by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.

by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.

however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.

This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.

also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.




Why even bother having to analysis so much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?

You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.

Why? I will break down the following:

(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce


(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.


(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.


(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.


(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.

An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:

i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)

ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)

iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).


(6) Your result is therefore status quo.

***

Your situation is worsen by two facts:

(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.

(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:

Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)

Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)

Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)

Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)

Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.

Scold > Submit (anything)

Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)

Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:

Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.

Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her
reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long
enough to initiate a change that you seek.

Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.

***

You have too much considerations - if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose sight of the shores.

Think about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 220509

Originally posted by Kimosabe:

It started in November when my bf asked me to help him check his email when I saw he emailed a transvestite saying "Hi Pretty...etc.etc.etc" and basically asked if she was available to "have fun" with him before he enlisted. I asked but he said he knew nothing of it...

Then recently, his brother showed me two chat logs with that same person...we were already together for 7 months...then I saw that he had started sexual talk and gave out his number and wanted an "experience" with her.

Judging from how he treats me which is well, I'm extremely confused now. On msn, from wat I know, even with remote assistance..you cannot have a conversation with your friend and a hacker supposedly using your account to talk to someone in your contact list at the same time. I'm really hoping I'm wrong. His comp has no firewall (I think). He claims he didn't do it...but logically its quite impossible.

Now I'm scared, but I can't cry or react because its sort of shocking, and also he might feel destroyed etc. and I know its impossible to be sincere and not hurtful. I can deal with this side fetish I suppose but its damn scary and I have no idea what to do right now. I'm trying to be positive and believe him that he won't do such a thing.

In the past he really did look like a girl, some say prettier than other girls. I know a few guys do look like that, my cousin has a bandmate that looks just like a girl even I got fooled. He's my second bf. The first hurt me very very very very badly, and it did take me a long while to trust someone else.

My bf has always showered me with love and respect, which explains why this could not be his doing, but I've called a few people in I.T, and they've confirmed that its impossible for the conversation to happen anywhere else but from his computer. He was at the same time also, when the conversation with her happened, talking to his best friend. Exactly the same time. His brother got worried and showed me those conversations. I'm not sure what to think though.

The vital stats, even what sort of boxers he wears, was all revealed and if he was pranking around he would never give out his number. He received gay jokes forever and even though he's now in ns it hasn't stopped. But his friends really don't mean anything. Now I'm scared as to who he really is.

Someone help me.


The dichotomy of gender only applies to our biological construct - in fact, our sexual orientation and our sexual preference (being our software) can be very much different from our biological gender. Gender is not merely man or woman - in fact, it's across a range of spectrum because no man are 100% masculine - same goes for females and femininity.

Having established that: for those who lies within the grey areas (bisexual), their inner struggles often coerced them to formulate some kind of confirmation to decide if they are indeed gay. And one common methodology is to date the opposite gender, so as to see if there are attraction (both sexual and emotional) to validate this inconsistency between they should be feeling and what they are really feeling.

It is also equally possible for him to date someone of the opposite gender, serving as a shield towards his real identity - part of his defense mechanism - while having the certainity that he isn't straight already.

Deonotological perspective might suggest that he's blatantly cheating on you - regardless of who the online fellow is. However, that ultimately (I reckoned) would only leave you with the choice of leaving him.

I suggest you have a HTHT (heart-to-heart-talk) with him - but do not begin your focal point from questioning about the possibility of his gender crisis, for that would render you the same level as those teasing he received from his army mates. Use the standpoint of honesty/truthfulness and the desire to know your other half better.

Learn to understand first. I think there are many things about him that you don't really know. Seek them.

Cheers

Another Year Granted!

Went to review my medical status today - Doctor claims that everything is fine.

I have another year to live!

I have proclaim my life to be a yearly-granted affair; for if there are any unfortunate news and that's probably the end of me.

Every granted year is a gift.

I live every year literally.

Waste not want not.

Business as Usual

Exams over - end of term 3.

And I am going back to my Aunt Agony's calling once again. Due to my own personal crisis, I have kinda neglected my online duties.

Well, it was a good rest, somehow.

I want to start my reading religiously, as well as to work on Project CloUdiSm.

At the rate I am going, I will not be able to finish before I hit 30.

11 Days - 1 Days

There are times where choices of words are limited and ironically superfluous.

I could only paint so much of these ten days with words, in which I could bring myself to type. Perhaps our train of thoughts could only move an inch when our realm of emotions had already travelled a mile away.

It's 3 more days.

However, I am at peace.

12 Days

It's time to wake up.

13 Days

The inaugural experience of walking you back home was the time when we were still dating. I recalled we were at bugis and you said it was walkable distance to your house.

Yeah right - everywhere in Singapore is walkable. Actually.

But that night, it wasn't just about walking - we were building a relationship.

Still in construction. No... not just yet.

And even when we are together, it has always been in construction - making things bigger, better and bolder.

Unfortunately, it's so much easier to destroy than to create from scratch.

Standing placidly at where I was, I witnessed with first-hand experience on how blocks, bricks, sand, mortar and all pillars of the relationship tumble and crumble simply from changes. I seen the goblin diggers, gleefully chipping right at the very heart and foundation of the relationship, causing instability and hoping it will collapse as a result.

Even if everything comes to total destruction and leveled to the ground, I will proclaim victory over my adversary. Even if you ruin my relationship, you will never break my spirit.

I will not only survive this ordeal, but the circumstances will ironically prove that this is the best outcome.

I will triumph.

14 Days

Thoughts Are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They're endowed with bodies,
breath and wings.
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.

That which we call our secret thoughts
Speeds forth to earth's most remote spot
Leaving its blessing or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes

We build our future, thought by thought
For good or ill, yet know it not
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

15 Days

I wondered why do we harbor for memories that no longer belong to us?

And even if we still possess it,

Looking through the same lens,

That’s probably not what we originally seek.

It’s no longer identical.

I cannot always live in a world of abstract convulsion.

I abhor being human.

When can I return back to my vampiric stupor?

16 Days

~*~Gwenda™~*~ says:u r the almost perfect man ma

***

I remembered what bf once said to me.

Oh well, good is indeed relative and others always seemed to appreciate you better.

Really hate to feel like trash.