Aunt Agony 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.

i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me.

Also,i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).

so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.

i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.

by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.

by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.

however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.

This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.

also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.




Why even bother having to analysis so much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?

You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.

Why? I will break down the following:

(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce


(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.


(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.


(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.


(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.

An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:

i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)

ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)

iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).


(6) Your result is therefore status quo.

***

Your situation is worsen by two facts:

(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.

(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:

Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)

Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)

Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)

Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)

Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.

Scold > Submit (anything)

Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)

Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:

Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.

Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her
reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long
enough to initiate a change that you seek.

Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.

***

You have too much considerations - if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose sight of the shores.

Think about it.

Cheers