Aunt Agony 170806

Originally posted by Tinkerbelle2008:

I am currently attached to one of the sweetest men I have ever known. We are going to register our marriage in a few weeks time but will only hold our customary banquet around a year later.

The problem is my husband would like to consummate our marriage as soon as possible, possibly after ROM but for me I would like to hold it back for a bit longer, preferably until after our customary marriage. We are both virgins and have not had any intercourse throughout our 3 year relationship, although of course we do indulge in petting every now and then to satisfy our urges.

Why would I want to wait longer? Maybe this is because I fear that I might get pregnant. Yes, I know there are condoms and all that, but all those can still fail to work at times. I know the percentage is very low, but I would rather be 100% sure that I will not get pregnant before the customary marriage. I am raised in a very conservative family and I know my parents would kill me if I dare to get into this kind of situation before the traditional wedding. And of course it wouldn't look appropriate for me to walk down the aisle in a wedding gown with a big tummy, would I? We are also not really financially stable to have a kid at this moment as both of us are still building our career and we also do not have our own house yet.

I am afraid if I give in and let him make love to me before the traditional wedding I might break down because I am not ready for it and my mind would be worrying about a lot of things so I would not be able to enjoy it. I really do love him very much and I want to make love with him more than ever but I just have this nagging concern in my mind everytime I thought of doing it before the banquet. Am I being unreasonable?

I am afraid of disappointing him yet I am afraid if I give in before I am 100% ready, it will turn out to be a disaster. Sigh. Do give some opinions on this issue.

Thanks.



By now, you have probably realised that sex per se isn't merely about the physical plane - the cultural, social & psychological influences on the individual, in fact, have more impact. Especially in Asia, there is a deep social stigma attached to the notion of pre-martial sex, which amplify anxiety level in the woman before any act of intimacy, hindering fulfillment, even if sex is achieved.

The most powerful sexual organ is in between your head. If the mind doesn't see it well, then chances are, sex will be bad because essential comfort is missing.

Intimacy cannot be fulfilling without high level of comfort. This comes certain degree of trust (even in a ONS situation, one generally 'trust' the other to be disease-free before committing the act).

You see in Love: Man suffers from approach anxiety, while woman suffers from intimacy anxiety. Simply because in an approach, the man becomes more vulnerable to rejection as he has more to invest and more to lose. In the same frequency, woman becomes more vulnerable in close intimacy, as she has more to invest, thus more to lose.

Hence, the source of anxiety derive from fear and incurring of higher risk.

Once you ROM - you are legally married in the eyes of the law and you also become 'MRS something'. It's perfectly normal to enjoy and engage love making, between husband and wife.

Your worries about unplanned pregnancy is reasonable - every pregnancy should be plan, especially in Singapore, where everything is about dollars and cents. But if because of calculated pregnancy, you eliminate love making altogether - you effectively abrogate one major physical component of Love, in a marriage setting. And this is something you might want to review.

Self awareness is very crucial - if you reckon that customary is the passport to love making (cultural factor), I would have advise that you put the ROM date on the same day or something, so that you won't have to go through a situation of 'Although I bought my car due to cheap COE, but now I can't drive to work because of $6 ERP'. (You can't change much now)

I am not suggesting that you should have kids in an unplanned fashion; that's why contraception is invented for a reason.

I will reiterate again: the most powerful sexual organ is in between your head - only by appeasing the mind can intimacy hope to occur.

There is no right or wrong beliefs - it's all about what you believe in.

Cheers