Aunt Agony 280413

Originally posted rachel_ella:

Hi!

I had gone through a very rough period last Sep to Nov. My relationship with my MIL is at its worst state especially when she asked me to return the jewellery she had given to me when I got married. She had been very unhappy about my attitude towards her like not asking her how her day was and not coming out of my room to greet her when she came over. She called up my hubby while he was at work and gave her 'feedback' daily and that caused fraustrations and pressure on hubby.

Eventually, hubby found a confidant, his staff from China, who just seems to be able to understand what he is going through and agreed that I had been rude to my MIL. They started a relationship. MIL knew about her existance and told hubby to bring her home since she is an obedient and nice woman who will be nice to her.

Hubby suggested to cool off for a period but I refused to and insisted trying my best to salvage my marriage. MIL was very supportive of me trying to salvage my marriage and lent me her shoulder to weep on when I went to the rough period. I was very grateful of her support and hubby & I started picking up the pieces together again but he could not let go of his confidant from China.

It just happened that I found out they had spent a night together at a hotel and he had made hotel bookings before but I have no idea who he went with. MIL had been nice to me since but recently hubby's China confidant forwarded me a pic of her with MIL, together with the msg, "Bet you don't know about all these outings and I'm being accepted." I informed hubby and he asked her about the pic. She said she did not send. Hubby told me she is a very simple person and that may be an accident. However, without her sending me the pic, I will never know about MIL actually met her in person and gone out with her.

I felt very betrayed and hurt. Hubby cannot stop seeing her although he had been treating me very well and MIL had been nice to me too. I felt I am living with people who are keeping things from me. I am well educated and holds a respectable job, I do my best to make hubby feels proud of me infront of his friends which I succeed. However, hubby felt difficult to let go of her cos she is not as good as me. Is it my fault to be a working woman but not able to give MIL my attention due to work? Is being too capable a flaw? Please help.



Your situation does seem a little awkward; something that could easily be perceive as a morally questionable outcome is somewhat culturally accepted in the family. This leads me to wonder about the circumstances leading to your process of getting married. Your focus also appears to emphasize on your career dimension and how this leads to 'face quality' for your husband.

In that nutshell, I am just curious about how did it get embedded into your perspective - that this is an important value that needs great attention, insofar that other things (e.g. positive regards for your in laws) somehow gets compromised.

Also, your mother-in-law does seem to have a major influence on the way your husband run his relationship. If his definition of love revolves around having positive relationship with his mother, then certainty it would make reasonable sense for his behaviour. In some ways, it is likely to be a mix of reasons and excuses, where he conveniently seeks out someone 'outside' the content of his relationship, instead of opting to work things out.

After all, this third party has already been endorsed by the dowager; almost like some special permit.

In addition, if there is severe power imbalance in this relationship against you, then it does spell some degree of unfairness, suppression and trouble. Having one person to fulfill the 'face quality', another to fulfill the mother's liking and two to fulfill a combination of emotional/physical needs - this is the best of three worlds, isn't it?

Being capable isn't a fault of it's own - it's the sacrifice we accept as part of being capable that is the problem. Reasonably, working fifteen hours a day may make you a productive and valuable player in your work team, but surely, that would also mean that you are sacrificing quality time in your family for such pursuit.

However, I do feel that your struggle is unique (as mentioned in my first paragraph about how ironic your circumstances are) and my sense (I may be wrong) is that it may have something to do with your self worth. I do believe your current position is painful.

Do you have anyone in your network (e.g. friends/family) supporting you emotionally? Do anyone know about your situation?

Cheers