Aunt Agony 160413

Originally posted by soccer123:

Hello people. I have something to share here, and will like to seek some opinions and advice on a relationship matter..it may be very complicated and i expect to draw some flak. but just want to be honest here and get some thoughts on this.. (Caution: Long post ahead).

This is my first post here, and i am a guy who is 27yo, with a lovely gf, W, who is currently studying and away from S'pore for 8 mths. I am now 6 mths into my first job upon graduation. The story began in this first job.


Beginning

I came into the new office and worked with this project with a colleague, S, who was already in the project. Things were very professional and I was very serious in my work. S, as i learnt when i came into the office, will be getting married in about a year's time and it was already known to the whole office back then.

I had totally no imagination or liking for S at all, because i am already attached and she is already going to marry her bf of 2 years, J. However, I must admit that S is attractive and she is very serious in whatever work she is doing. Our working level relationship were pretty much the norm for the first 5 months, except that around the 3rd-5th months, we did start to chat a little bit, sidetrack abit from work during work conversations in whatsapp or email. But there were still no signs of flirting at all. Pure chit chatting with a colleague - friend. Along the way, S was busy preparing her new home, her wedding, and work. I, on the other hand, was basically work, and occasionally skype sessions with my gf, W.


The catalyst

Now, during one day in the 5th month, after a meeting, when all had left the room except for S and I, S told me that she was going to tender her resignation soon. I was in a state of shock, which later turned into disappointment. We stayed behind in the meeting room. We talked, I remained cool, and I asked her the usual questions like why did she want to quit, going to where, when, and so on. More importantly, I asked her to reconsider it because I would like her to stay, and I couldnt bear to see her go as I felt we were just in the beginning of the making of a good working tag team. I felt upset at that time, but I didnt show. She didnt tell me any reasons for wanting to quit, and the place where she is going too. We basically ended off with no conclusion.

For the next few days, I would try to persuade her to stay, as I realised as the days go by that I cant bear to see her go. At first, I thought it was because of the high turnover rate in the office (around 5-6 ppl had left during my short time there), but I realised that I really enjoy working with her and the understanding we had in work.

S did tell me that she would see first, but she already had an offer in another office. Somehow, this topic faded away for around 2 weeks after this, because of the hectic workload we had. What happened during these 2 weeks besides work was instead a dinner out together, and a series of unexpected events:


Attraction

The dinner was due to my request. Sometimes when u know a person is leaving you start to be more appreciative. In my case, I tried to use such opportunities to try to talk S round. What started off pretty simple ended with a slow walk out to the main road and at that time, both of us felt something.. attraction.

The other event that happened was on april fools' day. Again, we worked late. The whole office only had the 2 of us left. We were looking on my computer and half discussing work, half chit chatting, when suddenly she asked: 'can i kiss u'? To be honest, I was used to her harmless tricks and antics, so i was wary. I didnt think that she was really going to kiss me. But i sat still. She came closer.. until her lips were 3cm from mine. True enough, she suddenly pulled back and said 'bluff u!' and returned to her seat.

I was not surprised really, and didnt asked anything immediately after, and continued doing my work. We finally got our work done at around 2am, and were walking out the office and switching off the lights. It was then that I casually asked: 'u really were joking about kissing me huh? Can joke about this kind of thing one huh?' S replied: 'i am serious'. I realised she must have felt i thought she was joking or not taking her seriously. In that 1 moment, I moved my face closer, saw her..S got suddenly nervous and eyes were flustering. I moved until my lips touched hers. for 3 seconds. then i pulled back, and we left the office and for home separately.

The next day was the same. We worked till late. Only that this time, we were abit shy and more friendly to each other than before. As we left the office together, reached downstairs (which was a shopping mall), i was prepared to go to the taxi stand with her and go home. But she asked: 'Can we walk around for a while?' I agreed, and we just walked for a bit. We came to this spiral stairs that we had never went up before and talked about the stairs. Then we decided to explore what was upstairs. We locked lips the second time up the spiral stairs. This time, it was longer, and she asked if she could hug me. And we hugged. The night when I was going home, in the taxi, I thought: 'this is going to be complicated and get serious'. I kept thinking about my gf, W, but S kept hovering at the back of my mind. Subsequently, things became more ai4 mei4 and beneath the work we shared, we began to share many other things, like breakfasts, dinners, jokes, and chats.


Shocked

Until one day, when I was in boss' office and discussing about work, boss suddenly told me: 'do u know S tendered her resignation yesterday?' I was in a state of shock. I tried very hard to maintain composure, and finished the discussion. After which, I pulled S to outside the office, and asked her about it. We decided to talk about it after work.

The talk after work that day was emotional. I kept emphasising how much I would like her to stay. Only that this time I suddenly wasn't sure why I was asking her to stay. Was it because I really need her in the project, or want to develop the budding working chemistry we have so perhaps in future we can become partners of our own business, or because I realised I really couldn't bear to see her go? Perhaps it is all. I teared. What she told me kind of surprised me but it was something that I had thought before. She said part of the reason was me. She could not focus on her work and her bf. She realised that even when she was with her bf, she kept thinking of me. She knew this would get her into trouble. She had to leave. Her other reason was work-related. After much talk, eventually, the conclusion that night was she would reconsider her resignation. Something which gave me hope but I knew subconsciously that she had made up her mind and i was merely delaying the formality. The main point from me for her decision to 'reconsider' was that I would prove to her that I would not be a negative distraction to her. Instead, I would become a positive distraction and try to motivate her to conc on her work and her bf. In a way, it was like saying I would be someone who will toe my line and try to make her life happier from a distance.

Eventually, she told me she really did not want to sink deeper and would stick by her decision. I still tried for a few days more but to no avail. I was disappointed and upset.


About S's bf, J

All this while, she told me alot about her bf of 2 years, J. J was someone who gets suspicious easily, and he would keep calling S and ask her where she is, what she is doing, when is she going back, why, how, etc. S said she found it annoying. S also said that when J proposed to her overseas last year, she really did not want to agree because she didnt feel prepared at all. But looking at J, who knelt down and looked so disappointed, she relented. When I heard about all these, I felt I had 2 sides of me: a devil side and an angel side. And I have done both. I told her that it was obvious that she isnt happy and her feelings for him are not strong enough. She also said that J likes her more than she likes him. I told her that supposedly if she finds that i am more suitable one day, will she give up the wedding plans and chase her happiness? She said she cannot afford to lose everything. It would be too much of a risk. And I am attached. I knew I should not bring this up at all. The other side of me, the angelic side, would tell her that she has to think carefully before committing, for this is a decision which will impact the rest of her life. I told her that if she indeed realise that someone else is more suitable one day, and this feeling gets so strong until she believes in it, she should follow her heart and do it. But i made it clear that it must be from her and she must be clear about it. It cannot come from that someone, or from me. And if she manages to stay committed and learn to appreciate the good of her bf and grow old with him, I would give her my blessings too. When I said that, I started to become unsure if I was saying that because I want her to be happy and not make the wrong decision, or because I want her.

but looking at her, i knew she is in a huge dilemma. she isnt happy at all. I received 2 missed calls from her at 2.30am one night but i was asleep. I called her the next morning, and she told me that she had actually wanted to tell me the previous night that she wanted to cancel the wedding. but she said she was relieved i did not pick it up. what could i say. i could only listen.


Gradual acceptance?

I tried to persuade S time and again to stay, and each time i tried, i realised she was very determined. I grew to accept it and thought about what it would be after she left. On the working front, the project will be left to me alone. I felt alittle daunted and empty inside. This project was the project which S fought so hard for, and it was still in the beginning stages. I felt upset that S is giving it up. Many a times, when i was taking a break from office and went downstairs for a short puff, i became emotional at the thought of it. I even toyed with the idea of quitting, because i knew things will never be the same again. I wondered if S and me will stop contacting. S did tell me that her leaving would be best for both of us, given that both of us have own partners, and if she leave, things will become temporal suffering. Feelings will fade, or so she said. I told her that what if feelings wont fade? And if it will fade, it will also fade if she stays. If it won't fade, it will not fade no matter where she goes. I could not control myself and said all these, knowing i have a gf who is at overseas.

I did not feel well one day and went on MC. S actually got so worried that she took urgent leave and came my house to look for me. We talk again about the same things, and got close..but did not do anything.


Did wrong.

S and myself didn't have a good recent week. She had difficulties in focusing on work and bf, she is preparing for handover, for a transitioning period, she is preparing for her wedding, she is handling her bf's questioning of where she is going, what she is doing when she was with me, and she is distracted by me. I had tried and tried to make her stay, i had tried to comfort her, make her happier, make her stay focused and giving her my wishes. But deep down, i knew i am not happy. I also had to grapple with the prospect of not having her around as a working partner in office. I was contemplating leaving, too.

S was supposed to go on a short trip over the fri/sat weekend with a few colleagues. On the friday, i asked if I can spend time together with her on sat night, at her home or somewhere else. I just wanted to spend time with her. S said that it wasn't appropriate for me to go to her home..and I knew I should not ask her that. In the end, S told her colleagues that she had smth on and would not be going to the trip and called me instead. She asked if we could spend time together on fri after work instead. she actually put her trip off. i wrapped up my work, and went downstairs where she was waiting for me. I asked her, so how should we spend the night? she told me she would bring me somewhere. she had booked a room. For the first time and night, we didnt talk much about her staying/leaving. i began to tell her that she has become more of a regular feature in my mind. we mostly talked about her needing to commit and stick to her wedding. she hugged me and kissed me. she was in a struggle. and i reciprocated. and we spent the night together. In a room.


matters of the heart

S told me she wanted for us to be friends because if we let our feelings rule further it would cause us both lots of trouble. She said that her bf is already suspecting something, and they have been quarreling over all kinds of things. They were supposed to go choose gowns in the bridal studio, but they had a quarrel and called the appt off. S called me, wanted to meet me, but in no time told me again that she would again meet her bf to go to the bridal studio again. It was, to me, like an action to prove that she wants to fulfil the wedding promise. I replied her that i hope their quarrel would subside when they meet, and let me know again if she wants to meet me after that, though it would not be very possible because her bf would definitely question her. 

A few things are clear: she is leaving, she wants to stay committed to her wedding, she likes me alot, she wants to be with me but she could not. 

Many things are unclear: will this be temporary, do we want this to be temporary, how will this pan out, is she ready to commit to this for the rest of her life, will she be happy. On my part, when i see my gf in 1.5 month's time, how will i feel? what do i exactly want? Even if i know what i want, what can i do? I would want to remain committed to my gf. She is really an awesome girl. But what if my feelings grow stronger by the day? This is not something within my control and i cannot be the one to cause S trouble and risk all she has.


This is what I would like to share with you here. Will appreciate many opinions and what will you do if you are the guy / girl. This matter is too delicate and either way, people will be hurt. Some of my friends believe in karma, some don't, and believe in happiness. What about you?

I accept all replies and flaks. 

Thank you for reading.





I believe this short span of interaction must have impacted you quite a fair bit; you gave specific details and had vivid description of your situation. However, it reeks of incongruence - of your emotions and mind. My sense is that your inner state is also a projection of her inner state, both reflecting similar condition of ambivalence, intended uncertainty and illicit passion. These dark energy bounce off one another - one thing leading to another. It is not as 'random' as you have suggested. It is subconsciously and tactically calculated, brewed by strong karmic connection.

Regardless of which angle you are viewing, technically, both of you have betrayed your respective partner. You are cheating on emotional and physical plane dualistically - reinforcing each aspect in a tight model (e.g. the more you are emotionally attached to her, the more you feel that need to be around her vice versa). This is the most arduous form of betrayal to reverse. I won't be dealing with the morality of this issue, but what probably holds true is that the decay in your own relationship will rapidly spread and this effect is gangrenous.

Each conscious attempt to proceed forward with her is an indication and permission for the rot to gnaw at your current relationship inwardly. Your gf might return soon enough, but by then, it might only be carcass left waiting to be discarded.

***

You want to stay committed to your gf, but you do not seem to want to let S go. Sounds like an ideal plan - but in reality, this is the true source of your misery. The misery of infidelity lies with the perpetual feeding of ambivalence to your situation. You cannot make a decision by taking the good of two separate decisions and call it a choice and hoping to discard the negative consequence of your option. How good would life be for me if I could have money and not work for it - so in the same way, how good would life be for you if you could have two girls and keep it that way?

Being dysfunctional would be the likely outcome. This will persist until you come in terms with the fact that you have to deal with each relationship separately.There is no way that you could prevent a hurt from happening at this juncture. Surely, someone in the picture would be devastated; the only difference is how contagious and intense this pain would manifest itself to the parties involved.

Although she claims that she wants to 'do the right thing', the poor foundation of her own relationship would not allow her reasonable chance to 'carry on life as per normal'. In fact, the catalysis has already transformed the landscape of her relationship. It is likely that the long hours of work she has invested and the robust passion she has for you is merely a facade for the long suppressed avoidant-coping stance used to deal with her dysfunctional relationship.

Hence the passion may not necessarily be love, but a form of twisted courage to get out of the relationship she is unhappy with. This is especially true for those that appears to be meek in a power-unbalanced relationship, waiting for the condition to revote.

You presented the condition. Hence the revolution will take place (or has it already begin?)

***

When you measure love as an output and neglect the process, this is where most people end up with a product totally not what they originally thought it would look like. The main driving force of love is but a collection of cosmic lessons waiting to be taught. The process of learning about love is what love will teach in one's lifetime. It's not about the efficient output that we fancy and pray that the soup would somehow taste good if we put all the components together (e.g. Get HDB, propose, wedding dinner, get married, have babies, etc). If she accepts the marriage proposal through placating and avoids raising issues concerning her own love future because she does not know how to communicate her own needs, then she will pay for the consequence (with interest) until the time when she learns to take responsibility of her choice and by working on those two aspects.

The point I am driving is that if she needs the condition of a divorce to 'graduate' from this lesson, then it will eventually happen.

You might be a 'course material' - not necessarily the model answer.

***

This circumstance presents good opportunity to review your relationship. What is happening 'outside' the relationship may have malicious factors, but you have to decide if your current relationship is something that you still want to embrace. If so, this choice actually comes with a commitment to ensure its longevity.

You cannot claim to keep it, but yet still proceed with S.

Similarly, if you have decided that you want to drop your current relationship, then it also comes with a commitment of not 'closing the door, but leaving the windows open'. That will only serve to prolong your suffering.

Being brutally honest with yourself and having deep sense of awareness will help you to decide if what you are doing is but an excuse to keep status quo. Don't get me wrong, surely you can keep status quo since it holds the best of both world. However, this is not sustainable and will collapse into disequilibrium.

Then, you will be paying for the consequence of your choice.

Cheers