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How much love do YOU need? Knowing your ‘attachment type’ could be the key to making relationships last
By DR AMIR LEVINE and RACHEL HELLER
Ever wondered why you become clingy as soon as you have a partner? Or why you’re unable to stick in a relationship for long? New research has found that the way we act in relationships is pre-determined by which ‘attachment type’ we are.
By identifying whether you are an ‘avoider’, ‘anxious’ or ‘secure’, you can find your perfect match and transform your relationships.
Everyone - whether they have just started dating or have been married for 40 years - falls into one of these categories. By understanding which one you are, you can view your own behaviour and the actions of people around you in a new light.
If you’re single and looking for love, this knowledge can help you find the right match; or, if you’re already in a relationship, it can help you understand why you think and act as you do. In either case, you’ll start to experience change - for the better.’
Perfect match: Identifying whether you are an 'avoider', 'anxious' or 'secure', will enable you to transform your relationships
The science of attachment is based on the fact that we are all biologically programmed to find love. Although we live in a culture that tells us independence is good, nothing could be further than the truth. People in good relationships have been found to live longer, healthier lives.
The need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism, called the ‘attachment system’, that consists of emotions and behaviours that ensure we stay close to our loved ones.
This system explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly or cries uncontrollably until he or she re-establishes contact with her. It also explains the way we behave in our adult relationships.
But while we all have this need for attachment, the way we show it differs.
In the Sixties, tests found that babies were either ‘secure’, ‘anxious’ or ‘avoidant’. If a secure baby’s mother left the room he would start crying, but as soon as she returned he calmed down and started to play again.
The anxious baby was distressed, but when the mother came back, he pushed her away and burst into tears. Finally, the avoidant baby acted as if nothing had happened when the mother left and returned to the room. But tests showed that his heart rate and levels of the stress-hormone, cortisol, rose.
Research has now shown that adults behave in a startlingly similar way to babies when it comes to romantic relationships. What type we are (which depends on our upbringing and adult experiences) determines how you react in romantic situations.
Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and keep their distance.
By using attachment theory both your own behaviour and that of others no longer seems baffling and complex, but rather predictable... So, which attachment style are you?
ANXIOUS
You have the capacity for great intimacy. But you often fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like. Relationships tend to consume a lot of your emotional energy. You are sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s mood and you take your partner’s behaviour overly personally.
You worry if you don’t hear from your partner regularly. When you feel like your partner is getting distant, you tend to express your anxiety by doing the following:
Calling, texting or e-mailing while waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in the hope of running into him;
When they return calls, or come home, you punish them by ignoring them, rolling your eyes when they speak or leaving the room;
Threatening to leave in the hope he’ll make you stay;
Making your partner feel jealous by telling them about other men.
This is a sign of an overly-sensitive attachment system. Even a hint that something is wrong upsets you so much that you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that the relationship is safe.
AVOIDANT
It is important for you to maintain your independence and you often prefer autonomy to intimacy. While you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partner and they often complain that you are distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for signs of control or impingement by your partner.
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you are always keeping people at a distance by using various ‘deactivating strategies’. These include:
Saying ‘I’m not ready to commit’- but staying together, sometimes for years;
Focusing on imperfections in your partner: the way he talks, dresses etc;
Pining after an ex or waiting for The One;
Flirting with others to introduce insecurity into the relationship;
Not saying ‘I love you’- while implying you do have feelings for them;
Pulling away when it’s going well (eg not calling after an intimate date);
Forming impossible relationships, such as with a married man;
Avoiding physical closeness - for example, not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
If you’re avoidant, you use these strategies to make sure the person you love won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But, at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.
SECURE
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in your stride, effectively communicate your feelings and are good at reading your partner’s emotional cues. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him in times of need. You are:
A great conflict buster - during a fight you don’t act defensively or punish your partner and are quick to forgive;
Mentally flexible - being willing to change and respond to your partner’s needs;
You express your feelings openly and don’t play games;
You are comfortable with intimacy and sex.
We can all learn from your approach, but that doesn’t mean all your relationships are perfect.
You can find yourself in a bad relationship because you are more likely to forgive long-term bad behaviour and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
WHAT IS YOUR PARTNER'S STYLE?
Understanding attachment theory will change the way you perceive new people you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into an existing partner. You’ll no longer ask yourself: ‘Why is he always pushing me away?’ Instead you’ll say: ‘It really isn’t about me at all - he just doesn’t feel comfortable with too much closeness.’ Similarly, you’ll be less likely to invest time and energy in someone who is wrong for you. Does he send mixed signals? Does he say things like ‘when we move in together’ and then act as though you have no future? If so, he’s an avoider. People usually reveal everything about themselves early on - you just need to keep your eyes open.
Here are the signals to look out for...
ANXIOUS: Wants a lot of closeness; expresses insecurities - worries about rejection; unhappy when not in a relationship; plays games to keep your attention/interest. He also has difficulty explaining what’s bothering him. Expects you to guess; he is suspicious that you are being unfaithful.
AVOIDANT: Sends mixed signals in the relationship; values his/her independence greatly; devalues you (or previous partners) and uses distancing strategies - emotional or physical. He is also mistrustful and fears being taken advantage of by a partner; he doesn’t make his intentions clear and has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you.
SECURE: Reliable and consistent; makes decisions with you; flexible view of relationships; communicates relationship issues well. He can also reach compromise during arguments; is not afraid of commitment or dependency and doesn’t play games.
HOW CAN YOU IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
By understanding your own attachment style you are now better able to understand what kind of person can make you happy.
Do not apologise for these needs. Contrary to popular dating books, there is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve, saying: ‘I need someone who’s there for me and who I can I rely on.’ The response will speak volumes about your potential partner’s ability to address your needs now and in the future.
If you’re an anxious or avoidant person there are certain things you should and should not do. If you’re in a relationship, stop flying off the handle - take time to assess the possible reasons why someone might not be calling back or is late coming home.
Research shows that avoiders and anxious people are often attracted to each other, but they exacerbate the traits of the other and get into an endless cycle of the anxious person trying to get closer while the avoider pulls away.
That’s not to say they can’t be happy, but they both need to work at it. As a general rule, both anxious and avoiders work well with a secure person. If you’re anxious you might find secure people boring at first, because they don’t provide the exciting highs and lows, but stick around and you might realise you’ve stumbled across a relationship gold mine.
If you’re an avoider, you need to practise relying on people, giving them a chance instead of finding fault and pulling away. Stop idealising past partners or waiting for The One. Allow yourself to get close.
By being there for your partner, they won’t be so needy and you’ll get more independence. And while we can all learn a lot from the secure person, that doesn’t mean their relationships are without problems. Sometimes they can be too forgiving of anxious or avoidant behaviour.
However, most of the time secure people can have a magical effect on others because they do what all avoiders and anxious people want: they meet their needs, providing love and security while letting their partner go off to thrive in the world.
