Perceived Reality of Love

It is even possible to understand 'Love'?

A tough question indeed. I remember I had supervision the other day and one of my colleague's main struggle is to help her client figure out a way to understand 'love', in reference to how self image and self love would somehow affect her relationship.

It is a hard question isn't it? Asking people what is an abstract quality of a value or a concept.

The point is that we will never be able to know what love is. It is same with reality. We do not know what reality really is. All we know and understanding about reality is merely through our senses. Hence, our understanding of reality is but an edited version of reality.

We only have perceived reality.

In the same argument, we cannot know the nature of love. In fact, drilling into an unfathomable nature of love leads to derangement and is ultimately meaningless. We only know of love through the properties it surface. For example, when my mother cooks for the family, it is one property of love (act of services). When a couple goes overseas and having fun together, it is also one property of love (quality time). So on and so forth.

When you combined all these acquired experience, one is likely to conclude a few ideas about love, in which it would naturally transform into a belief, since some of these experience probably reinforce a particular ideology.

But is this ideology of ours, formed about love, the universal truth?

Tinted glasses and selective perception.

After all, we only know of a perceived reality. We do not know what reality really is.

I only have one reflective question for those who happen to stumble upon my article; how has retaining your own belief (whatever it is) help or not help you to experience love as it is?  

If it does not help you, it is something that you want to change?

What do you think? :)

Aunt Agony II 180912

Originally posted by heartlessheartbroken:

Please do not flame and read my whole story, I am only writing this to obtain genuine advice on my current situation. It is a long story but my life is really in a mess that is beyond imagination.

My wife ran away with my son and my only family member, my nephew left my house and severed all ties with me, now I am all alone but left with a few important decisions to make to remedy this situation.

I fell in love with a beautiful woman A some years ago, she is my ideal type and we dated for almost 2 years. She is rich, extremely pretty and had everything I wished for a wife. However, due to my unfaithfulness, I had a one-night-stand with another woman B at a bar. Unfortunately, I pregnated her and we were forced to get married by her parents. B isn't too bad and we had a healthy marriage life but I do not love her. Instead, my heart still belongs to A. Needless to say, A was infuriated because at that time we broke up, we had plans to get married.

I have been living with my nephew for many years since his parents passed away. Ever since my brother and his wife passed away when their son was still schooling, my nephew 35, and me, 40 lived together with our son. We lived a very modest life and I had regretted my affair which turned out into an unwanted marriage and family. I could have lived much better if I had married A in the first place.

However, due to very unbelievable coincidence, my nephew met A in his company and they became very close friends and dated. It was only last year during CNY that he brought her to our small reunion. My wife B recognised A and immediately disapproved of their relationship. When A met me, I was sure that she still had feelings for me like I did for her, however she married my nephew. After our meetup, we had sex on a few occasions without my wife's knowledge.

Last month, A discovered that she was pregnant despite desperately trying many times with my nephew. My nephew was so happy that his wife got pregnant but I was quite sure that the child belongs to me. I then brought A to have a medical checkup and they said there was nothing wrong with her. That means my nephew was infertile all along and the child is indeed mine.

When all of us met for a diner a few days ago, my wife B became suspicious of us because I showed too much care for her unborn baby. After the dinner, I met up privately with my nephew and told him that A was carrying my child. He told my wife about it and she ran away from home with our son. My nephew is also on the verge of divorce with A because of her affair with me. After A knew about this, she blamed herself and tried to commit suicide. I brought her to my house and she had been living here for the past 2 days.

I know I am a bad person but I want to try to save our family and thought of these options:

1. Divorce B, marry A and start a new life with her. But if I do that, I lose my wife and child, also my nephew.

2. Lie to my nephew and tell him I was drunk and blurted out nonsence that night. Hope that life will be back to normal again while still being able to see A for the rest of my life as a niece in-law. If A keeps this secret well, our family will be in peace for the time being.

3. Relocate to another country with my wife and child and forget about A completely.

I think 2 is the best option but it will be very hard for me to do. Are there any other ways I can get over this?



Two wrongs do not make one right.

You could go on making choices to fill in the void caused by some unwise decision/s made at that point of time. However, it will just snowball into a huge conflagration, in which you will find it harder and harder to extinguish. Life is full of 'what ifs' - surely things would be different if you had married A. However, the truth is that the 'what if' never actually took place. We could go on forever on how those possibilities could play out, but then again, it is not possible to go back in time to find out for sure.

It is based on what you felt was a wrong choice, while ignoring other factors that would have naturally develop along the way to neutralize the value of 'wrongness'.

When you have a sexual affair with your nephew's wife - it is a clear indication that you are willing to risk your marriage (which includes your wife and son) to pursue what you felt was a choice left behind by an unfortunate circumstances. However, I just want to highlight something: 'no choice' is still a choice. You might have been 'coerced' by her parents and/or your conscience on moral grounds to marry your wife - still, it is a choice that you have decided to commit eventually, even though there wasn't any love. I truly doubt her parents actually point the gun barrel at you to say 'I do' - I think you get my drift.  

Until the point we take responsibility for all our choices made, it is hard to get out of your situation effectively because your chosen behaviour often revolves around avoiding, minor (ineffective) patching and/or delaying the consequences of an unwise decision. Notice that your preferred course of action is (2), which still another attempt to do one or more of the above.

Your options are mutually exclusive; keeping your family intact would means that A would have to go, while choosing A would means that your wife, son and nephew will need to go. Coexistent in this case is impossible and unrealistic to pursue.

P.S: You have to decide what you want before you commit any further decision. If you are lost: stop for a moment and glance at your map. You don't keep walking because chances are, you will walk further away from your original destination and that will just make you feel miserable once the truth slams you hard - on how far away you are from where you want to want.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180912

Originally posted by Frustrated86:

I hope not to expect anybody to flame here, only constructive comments.

I come from a broken family. Father was a gambler and sailor, left my family when i was a child. Mother never remarried. Mother then carry the responsibility of raising me and my elder sister, hawking at the roadside.

So, my education never surpass school. I now work as an assistant chef at a hotel. I toil night and day, in the steamy kitchen. Life is hard. I have few friends and no sociel life and yes I work on saturdays and sundays. Sometimes i have to come to shift-work at 3am to prepare the meals for breakfast.

My pay is low. Now life is getting harder for my family and I. My mother's health has not been great. She suffers from acute asthma. My elder sister got married to an abusive husband. He hits her regularly and he borrows money from the loan shark. The loan shark harass him until he left my sister for good. Now my sister have moved in to stay with us. I have regular fights with my sister over the admin of our home and splitting the money for our daily home maintenance.

So here is my story, I met this girl at the hotel we work, she works at the concierge. We've gone out regularly on dates. I fell in love with her. However, as time goes by, she seem not to be very responsive to me anymore. It was then, I realise that one of the hotel managers was persuing her. He was richer and have more money than me. In the end, the girl explained to me that she had to leave me for a better man who can provide her with better security.

I am so heart broken. I am so poor and no matter what I do, I cannot alleviate my situation. I have no time to meet people because of my job.

I feel demoralised, not knowing what hte future lay for me. I don't think I would be able to find any girl who i can support because they all want richer man. I am starting to realise that women here don't want a guy with a simple salary anymore. THeir expectations have gone up sky high, they want a rich guy.

I also feel very stress because I have to support my ailing mother with her high medical expenses and not be able to afford to buy property. Everything is getting expensive but my salary is still the same.

I would like to take additional educational courses to better my life but i have no spare time and not enough money.

I envy all my former schoolmates who have richer parents, sent them overseas to study, now they come back to take over their father's business, have easy life, drive big car and live in big mansions and marry the beautiful wife. These people always go out and lose their smartphones but next day they easily replace them. Me? I am still using a button handphone.

Is life ever fair? No. I have to toil on. I cannot blame this on my parents. I just have to blame it on fate.

I am struggling to uplift my life, wondering what I should do. The future don't look so good but i have to put on a smile. 



Although it may be hard when our early childhood are filled with challenges and difficulties that limit our opportunities in life, ultimately, it is paramount to recognize that though these events do play a significant part in our life, they do not exist in our future - if that isn't how we want the game to end.

You could accept the way how your past was; but it is an entirely different ball game for your future.

It would be a grave mistake to attribute your misery due to the fact that your love interest chose someone else over you because of money alone. The point is that it may help you to cope better emotionally because having this perspective is certainly easier than making a choice to change a seemingly gloomy destiny.

Perhaps what you lack is not merely a lack of opportunities, but a lack of courage.

I do not know you, but for someone who claims to have little education; I felt that you certainly write decent enough to express your ideas and feelings. And working hard to make a decent living despite having a really tough job is resiliency.

I am not here to judge, but rather, I have a few reflective questions for you to evaluate your own situation.

I) If you remained in your current job and your prospect is limited; how much are you willing to risk doing something different so that you could achieve a different outcome?

II) If you imagine yourself upgrading, what would you see yourself learning/doing?

III) How badly do you want to change your own personal destiny? How much are you willing to commit and work on it?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 050912

Originally posted by Butt3rcup:

I have been with my bf for about a year now.

The prob wif me is I'm not confident of being alone. I have carried a torch for Another guy for a long time. But I know he can't be with me cos of other personal reasons. Mostly would be his race. I'm not concerned of looks cos I know eventually it will fade. But I cannot be in this way where I'm neither here or there. Wat should I do ?

Im getting married wif my current bf next year

It appears to me that you might not be emotionally ready for marriage and if you decide to go along with your plans, you might have to pay a higher ticket price for 'future changes'. Though painful as taking ownership of your choice might be, it is still far better than sweeping it under the carpet and thinking that things will just go away.

Because ultimately, you just can't run away from yourself.

The fear of being alone is common. However, if the relationship is led by fear and not by love, you would have a lot of self convincing to do when there is presence of 'competition' - even if you are already married by then.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 040912 (Continued from AA 030912)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I wish it was this easy. People like her come once in a blue moon. In this modern society, we are all caught up in our jobs and competition for vanity, so we hardly got time to find soul mates out there.

I am in my late 30s, time is catching up.

Yes, I cannot just shut out religion and she cannot shut out her religion and we just go continue on like this without even considering the consequences.

Religion or my faith is more than just going to a building and making prayers, its my whole life.

 If she is impartial then our relationship would be in harmony. However, she criticize my religion. WE spoke about tithes and offerings for my religion. I said it is necesary because my religion need the finances to pay for the community work, premises upkeep and salaries of full time workers. I say that my religion does not compulsorily require the 10% contribution, we only volunteer to contribute because in our religion, god loves a cheerful giver not want to force a reluctant giver to give donation.

She still not convince and she gave me the blackface because next time if we are a family, she doesn't want any of the money finances given to the church. So yes, the religious differences will inevitably disturb our relationship.




It's a painful revelation when we are coerced to conclude that we cannot achieve the best of both worlds at our current state. Much as we would like to see it happening in our real world, perhaps the nature of our choice does not allow smooth harmonious blending of these different pictures into a beautiful symphony. Sometimes, some pictures are mutually exclusive and cannot co-exist simultaneously. 

At the age of being in your late 30s, it is natural to see how the developmental stage of needing to settle down and the importance of a stable relationship are important for you personally. Then again, sometimes, it may not be how much understanding she knows about your religion to accept you, but the key question lies whether are you able to accept the possibility that she might not be able to accept your religion and some of these values that you have already explained so patiently? Are you able to reconcile with yourself that by making the choice to remain in the relationship, there is a possibility that you might have to live with the struggle of having to making difficult choices between being a good Christian and the image of a good boyfriend?

Just a small disclaimer: I am not saying a good boyfriend means having to give up your love for God - what I am trying to say is that both pictures in your quality world are important to you because they obviously satisfy certain personal/spiritual needs - the thoughts of having make choices between them can be pure excruciating.

If being a good Christian (in which I am referring to your regular financial support, community involvement and other personal effort) is something that is non-negotiable for you, then naturally this relationship would become an expendable option.

P.S: The sphere of religious influence can be very powerful. However, do note that ultimately, you would have to make a committed choice and decide what you want and what is important to you. Just remember at the end of the day, nobody is going to live with the prospect of being single and its associated feelings (e.g. loneliness) or the fear in spiritual punishment/deprivation of spiritual reward other than yourself.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030912

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I have been going out with this girl for 5 months, but we haven't been able to progress our relationship due to religious issues.

You see, she hates my religion. I don't want to say anything about the religion except to say that it is definitely NOT islam.

I never ask her to change to my religion but it seems to separate us most of the time. She thinks I am very staunch in my religion because I attend classes, seminars, community work a lot but I am not staunch at all because I am a person with a lot of flaws, I do drink liquor, I do cross the red light, I sometimes accidentaly swear at people. In other words, I am imperfect and i don't go around judging other people.

Because I always talk religion with my social circles, I sometimes have the habit of accidentaly talking religion to her, and that makes her mad at me. When I accidentaly say it, she will go and boast her religion back at me and give me the quiet treatment.

I get the feeling that my religion is affecting her and not sure if she likes me enough to continue.

So what should I do? I had a heart to heart talk to her about religion and she frankly tell me that she thinks my religion is bias and not good. Ouch, but i just don't get it, why she takes offence at it when I never ask her to change to my religion. I was hoping that she allow me to freely practice my religion while she practice hers.

I really like her a lot.

Religion is not merely about a faith belief; in fact, it encompass an entire framework of perspective, values, ideals, rules, norms, mores and outlook of life - which includes the way we view love and relationship specifically. For some, it is central to the motivation of their behavior and how they manage their interaction with others.

Love requires no religions for it is not a living entity, unlike a human being, tormented by the need for 'answers' to justify its very existence. Therefore, the suffering of having any forms of religious conflict stem from the couple and belongs entirely to themselves.

This is an important understanding because I will not attempt to reply your post from any faith-based perspective, but rather, reflect it as the choice you have made in name of love - since this choice is probably a succulent condition for such conflict to manifest in the future. You might have intense feelings for this girl; however, the inability of being able to accept each other in your own respective skin is likely to be the cause of your misery.

It is not about whose religion is more superior, but rather, not being able to gain mutual respect and understanding of each other's values naturally generate great challenges for your relationship. It is also a similar set of problem for other form of value-conflict, in which religious conflict belongs to one type of such dimension (I called them Jupiter affliction).

Therefore, what is ultimately more important to you? Being able to be a 'good member' of your chosen religion OR the love & belonging need you get from her companionship? Surely, that would give you some concrete insights on how you could proceed with your situation.

P.S: The point I am driving at is that there is no absolutely way you could continue a relationship like yours without bloodshed IF the both of you are not able to reconcile each other in your natural state. Perhaps deep in your respective subconsciousness, though you might claim there is none, there could be a quiet desire to convert the other, which is actually no difference from a romance-frenzied lover wanting to change her down-to-earth dude to become 'more romantic'.

Cheers