Aunt Agony 200312

Originally posted by redname:

ok, I've met this girl through some friends. We kind of hit it off the 1st time we've met but there was no contact for a few months. After that we kind met up more often through group outings for 2 weeks and everytime the both of us would branch out from the group and have supper or dinner with just the 2 of us. During these 2 weeks, we text each other often and become closer & naturally my affections grew for her.

On one fateful night, after our group outing, i send her back and i decided to confess to her cause I really liked her and she's everything i look for. She rejected me saying that we need to be friends 1st and know each other better.

I took it seriously that she really wanna know me better 1st, thus decided to be just friends with her.

During the next few weeks, I text her around 2-3 days frequency and called her once or twice. Her replies didn't seem to be avoiding me at all and were pretty positive. Thus i really believe that this girl really just want to see how things goes, however, i've tried asking her out for a few times as a friend and many times she just said she's not available.

I was very confused and decided to ask her whether she has something to say and eventually she told me that she was very scared when i confessed to her cause to her, we barely met each other and that i'm like a normal friend to her and she hope it stays this way. That blew my mind cause at 1st, she said it was fine and that we should hang out and know each other better, now she's saying that it's not fine and she doesn't want to go out with me anymore. She even said to some pple that i couldn't face the rejection and have became persistent but i know it's wrong cause i became friendly cause of the way she reacted.

I've stopped contacting her ever since and she didn't contact me too. Unfortunately, we did bump into each other 2 times. She came up to say "Hi" 1st and i tried to initiate a conversation but I could feel that it's never the same again. What makes it worse is that she was with a guy on the 2nd time and I jolly well know that the guy is interested in her as this guy went through a bad patch recently and needed a rebound.

Ever since this incident, i was very depressed and my life changed. I couldn't eat or sleep well, my work is also affected.

I really don't know what to do. on 1 hand, i wish to move on as i really don't wanna be in this state anymore but on the other, i want this friendship to work out and as much as i try to forget her, she still holds an impt part in my heart. I don't know how to start again as it's been so long I've contacted her and i'm not really sure if she's still scared of me.



When you attempt to seal the deal before the product is understood, it often backfires. The rejection appears to be a scheme to know you better, but in reality, it is a rejection because she is not ready for you. Unknowingly and in addition, there is also a subconscious mental reduction of your impression-value because we are psychologically programmed by our environment that hasty/instant/fast things are (usually) bad in the long term.

But there is certain amount of truth is that belief; just that your woman needs to be convinced that you are worth the investment for her to accept the quick proposal. The problem is that when you openly declared that you are dating her, you put her on certain guard that you will never be able to remove permanently. If your position is nowhere near an 'interest' level - whenever comfort measure/position you attempt to build will be nothing but to upkeep a basic friendship that would not advance further than a bff.

Furthermore, since your affection first started from a group date; it can be quite daunting for two people within the same social group to 'change their relationship status', especially when the group is quite knitted. The consideration in whatever minute changes in group dynamics when (1) the relationship is formed and/or (2) the possibility that a formed relationship is dissolved - can be quite tricky.

You might want to back off first and review your terrain; not knowing what leads you and if you insist on marching forward, you might incur greatly causalities.

Cheers