Aunt Agony 120209

Originally posted by Life is a Mystery:

I have a friend who has broken up with his ex-gf of 8 years about 2 years ago. The girl is the one who suggested the breakup, and the reason being he is just not a good bf to her after knowing each other for more than 10 years. When they broke up, the guy was devastated and has tried all means to get her back, but she was so cruel that she even rejected his proposal to get married.

Now ... 2 years later, she came back to him and asked him back, he... on the other hand felt that he has owed her, as he has not been a good bf when they were together. He is a very responsible person and very loyal to who he loved. Therefore he decided to get back together with her.

I felt that this is so unfair to the guy, as I've seen how he got hurt when they broke up... Just because she is not able to find another bf during these 2 years, or maybe she is already 34 this year ... or for whatever reason, she decided to take him back. What do you all think?

Unfortunately, I'm involved with the guy. We sort of have a relationship, but we are not committed to each other. As I know he has never forget about her, and always want to get back together with her. I knew that this day will come, that's why we had a mutual agreement of not committing to each other. I do love him and even though I know I cannot be with him, I don't want to see him being hurt again.

He still listen to my advice, but I'm in such an awkward situation to give him advice. That's why i wanna know if I'm being bias... or I'm giving him truthful advice.


It’s entirely up to his self determination to decide if she could provide him the happiness he seeks at the end of the day. Love doesn’t always run in a linear fashion because we are always placed in pluralistic circumstances that shape our every present moment and even that one micro tweak might be the catalysis to a different decision altogether.

Who says that a relationship of eight years will guarantee a lasting, fulfilling marriage? Probably only in the eyes of an outsider because in the eyes of a stranger, he/she is not part of that wholesome experience and we are always guilty of judging the quality of relationship based on its length.

Of course in reality, that’s completely erroneous.

Anyway, since TS is not the person involved, I shall not go on any further on that part. But I would like to address one other point:

The truth is that it’s not really him who has received unfair dues, much more than it’s you who is feeling the inequality. Your anguish for him is merely a representation of your own innate feelings for yourself – that someone, who once has treated a relationship so lightly, could haughtily return and claim her throne without even a need to contest for it.

And I will tell you how you have inevitably contributed to your own misery.
Your agreement to be involved in a non-committed relationship is, although a logical method of self protection, but this is precisely the agreement that allowed him to persist in pining hope for her because you have given him the consent to use you as an emotional substitute, without a concrete structure, and he doesn’t have the space to recover naturally from his ordeal completely.

I will illustrate in simple words:

When death of a relationship occur, every unwilling party will go through a natural grieving process, in which at the point of conclusion (when that happens) is always the realization and acceptance in their own irrevocable situation and the outcome of moving on, unless there are situations that halt this natural recovery.

Your presence and agreement in maintaining this non-committed relationship unconsciously allowed him to have an emotional shelter for everything else a relationship could offer, minus the responsibility. It’s almost like staying in the house, without paying the rent.

In another words, if he was once emotionally very attached to his ex-gf, then you merely acted (sadly on her behalf) as the tacit support he had once gotten, while endorsing his placid waiting for her. Surely, upon her return and without hesitation, he will leap over to her.

Now a subtle form of self pity has manifested – you are probably feeling short-changed, pondering why he has still choose her, despite your quiet attempt to demonstrate your affection for him.

Your plight is brought about disastrously by the notion of non-commitment because if he was given a choice in the past: a situation where he has to firm the choice between (1) to learn acceptance, commitment and move on OR (2) to create an interim method, to remain uncommitted and to wait?

Theoretically, you tried to eliminate risk for yourself, thinking that you will be safe because this is an ‘uncommitted relationship’, but reality is such that once you have invested in that dubious deal, you are already into it – regardless of how you perceive your situation.

If this is truly ‘uncommitted’, then why is it affecting you?

Maybe it’s self deception, under the façade of uncommitment.

P.S: All uncommitted relationship built on emotional grounds ends up in contradiction and is oxymoron. You can only have an uncommitted relationship if it’s built on physical grounds like sex because it entirely possible to have a sexual relationship, without paying the emotional dollars. You cannot be emotional and yet unemotional - just like you cannot exist and not exist simultaneously (CloUdism).

Cheers