I was talking to my mum - it was a good conversation.
I must be focus and must maintain as much concentration as I need to remain steady and determined - like an adamant rock. Recalling the time when I was in air force and I told myself that I must not lose faith, principles, beliefs or ideals that I made me what I was back then. No matter what happen to my circumstances, my sheer willpower will surmount my environment, like how time and again I have smashed, defeated and overpowered negativity with my bare hands and will do it again and again - just to prove the same point about the amazing power of our spirit.
I saw how weary Jeffrey was when I saw him after the longest time - life have probably taken a toil on him. From our conversation, he seemed drained (psychologically and emotionally) from societal expectation of what it needs to be 'Jeffrey' - although he certainly did not agree with his environment.
Also, his environment is not exactly benign (to his ideals) to begin with.
I remembered that time when that happens to me and this serve a good reminder to me once again.
I blasted at myself 'why give so much fuck about shit outside yourself? Why let others determine your route when they don't even walk to way you do?'
And as I began my first steps forward and beyond, my inner voice grows incessantly louder and the noise outside quietens.
It 's so quiet outside that now the effect of Trine sinks in; it will builds complacency over time.
Mark: you mustn't stop growing - you have all it takes to create something from nothing and therefore you must also have the strength to step out of your comfort zone to constantly challenge yourself. The minute when you feel too comfortable doing what you are doing right now and when your vision start to cloud your eyes with fanciful illusions that steal your attention away - you will eventually lose the strength to fight.
You cannot allow yourself to be succumbed.
*Roar*
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Aunt Agony 242908
Originally posted by stuck:
Thank you for reading this topic, please read with an open mind. Advice will be taken and read with gratefulness. Those who could not understand and cant accept the story, kindly respect the situation as no one knows and expects what is going to happen in life. We only live once.
I am in love with a married woman. She told me that she love me and is in a dilema. She do not know what to do.
I initate a clear break up thru sms but when we met up the following days, we still ended up together as there are still feelings for each other.
Can someone give me advice? What should I do? I am in love with her and she know it.
How can I: -
i) Make it even clearer to her that I wan her and be with her? (this is to show her that I am true to her and is sincere)
ii) know that she wan to be with me too (since she say she is in a dilema, i guess it should be me, the guy, to ensure her, however, I wan to make sure she is not just wanting to be with me to escape from her current relationship)
Originally posted by I-like-flings(m):
~Just Do It ~
.. trust mi.. i understand ur feeling.... i'm in love with 3 married woman now.. so... what u think......
ya all 3.. can die for them.... u know who is wei xiao bao right?
For every love triangle actualized through the decision of the central figure, which is then linked to two or more partners through his connection, it is but a tacit acceptance to bore the karmic debts fashioned by his/her cosmic lesson in Love.
I do not disagree with the fact people could still be subjected to falling in love outside their primary intimate partners despite being married. And seriously, there are a myriad of reasons why this happens. Most people dismissed it under the general façade of Love to justify their opendus modus, but across several hundred dimensions of Love, the ones that brought about the most misery are the ones that often seen, felt or tasted like the real thing in one’s context and reality in life, created entirely by their own perception or disillusionment.
Anyone could have claims to love all three at a go, however, when you probe deep enough to reach the core, this façade of Love always acts like a canopy of vegetation that shields real underlying reasons from surfacing. Some even lionize or glamorize this canopy and incorporate certain falsation into their belief system, as they taught themselves to see it as part of their reality, and in turn, manifest this preconceived reality into their reality.
It’s interesting to note how people formulate aspects of the media and certain histrionic qualities found in protagonist/s of fictional tales, in explaining various decisions they make in life, which the individual have come to believe and find self-perceived striking resemblance in both the character and themselves.
It’s not the act of falling in love that matters to me – it’s the bondage to uncommitment and unavailability of another that is critical. If this was a common scenario in your life, then very likely, the cusps of problem would revolve around the condition of your life, your developmental years and your spiritual account in Love.
I am not a moral police – falling in Love with someone unavailable, to me, is not wrong: it’s just karmic.
Hence, if you have already decided upon your route, then you must be open to your outcome, even if it’s negative.
Cheers
Thank you for reading this topic, please read with an open mind. Advice will be taken and read with gratefulness. Those who could not understand and cant accept the story, kindly respect the situation as no one knows and expects what is going to happen in life. We only live once.
I am in love with a married woman. She told me that she love me and is in a dilema. She do not know what to do.
I initate a clear break up thru sms but when we met up the following days, we still ended up together as there are still feelings for each other.
Can someone give me advice? What should I do? I am in love with her and she know it.
How can I: -
i) Make it even clearer to her that I wan her and be with her? (this is to show her that I am true to her and is sincere)
ii) know that she wan to be with me too (since she say she is in a dilema, i guess it should be me, the guy, to ensure her, however, I wan to make sure she is not just wanting to be with me to escape from her current relationship)
Originally posted by I-like-flings(m):
~Just Do It ~
.. trust mi.. i understand ur feeling.... i'm in love with 3 married woman now.. so... what u think......
ya all 3.. can die for them.... u know who is wei xiao bao right?
For every love triangle actualized through the decision of the central figure, which is then linked to two or more partners through his connection, it is but a tacit acceptance to bore the karmic debts fashioned by his/her cosmic lesson in Love.
I do not disagree with the fact people could still be subjected to falling in love outside their primary intimate partners despite being married. And seriously, there are a myriad of reasons why this happens. Most people dismissed it under the general façade of Love to justify their opendus modus, but across several hundred dimensions of Love, the ones that brought about the most misery are the ones that often seen, felt or tasted like the real thing in one’s context and reality in life, created entirely by their own perception or disillusionment.
Anyone could have claims to love all three at a go, however, when you probe deep enough to reach the core, this façade of Love always acts like a canopy of vegetation that shields real underlying reasons from surfacing. Some even lionize or glamorize this canopy and incorporate certain falsation into their belief system, as they taught themselves to see it as part of their reality, and in turn, manifest this preconceived reality into their reality.
It’s interesting to note how people formulate aspects of the media and certain histrionic qualities found in protagonist/s of fictional tales, in explaining various decisions they make in life, which the individual have come to believe and find self-perceived striking resemblance in both the character and themselves.
It’s not the act of falling in love that matters to me – it’s the bondage to uncommitment and unavailability of another that is critical. If this was a common scenario in your life, then very likely, the cusps of problem would revolve around the condition of your life, your developmental years and your spiritual account in Love.
I am not a moral police – falling in Love with someone unavailable, to me, is not wrong: it’s just karmic.
Hence, if you have already decided upon your route, then you must be open to your outcome, even if it’s negative.
Cheers
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Scariest Haunted House Ever
The scariest haunted house ever is found in Japan.
To be specific, the setting is actually a ruined hospital - One unique concept is that participants are free to explore the hospital in any ways or route you want, which is unlike traditional theme haunted house, where you are assigned somewhat a linear maze and a I-will-scare-you-as-you-walk concept. IMHO is quite stupid.
Self exploration depict many familiar scenes in horror shows, where the protagonist's encounter is largely based on his/her choice to be curious. This haunted house not only have very scary static horror display, but also people acting as mobile zombies. There are also many doors that requires the participants to open themselves, which intensify the mood.
Below are some pictures of the haunted hospital:
A bunch of woman dressed in such mini nurse's uniform? Gee... For the guys, don't know if this feels pornish or scary.
And for people like Grace and Fred - the place have several exit, in case you cannot take it anymore. There will also be escort to help you out if you really CMI inside.
This is a living testimony on why many horror shows are imported from east to west. Totally insane and awesome.
Cheers
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Busy Shit
I don't know why the hell am I blogging when I still have 15% more to completion for my sociology TMA02.
Sometimes, after coming back home late after lectures - my brain is so packed that I literally want to sink into my own things just to unwind a little. The usual weekdays rush; before I know it - tomorrow has conveniently arrived and begins the day's madness in a jiffy once again.
So much to do - yet so little time to spare.
But ironically, I have grown accustomed to such a pace.
I need a hug.
Sometimes, after coming back home late after lectures - my brain is so packed that I literally want to sink into my own things just to unwind a little. The usual weekdays rush; before I know it - tomorrow has conveniently arrived and begins the day's madness in a jiffy once again.
So much to do - yet so little time to spare.
But ironically, I have grown accustomed to such a pace.
I need a hug.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Freddy Caught in Act
Freddy always smile when he does something wrong.
Like dancing alright.
The wider the smile - the worst it gets. =D
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Yunhaier x Kaws x HRC (Femme)
Everyone loved to stab Kaws in its eyes - and it's so happened that it is located strategically at where my nipples are.
Can you imagine if I bought Nexus VII x OF?
I will fringing get my ass grope by Karen and Kenneth.
Certified and proven.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Human Revolution Crew (Random)
Hence, a random group of youths -
Unified under one banner -
Manifest to become people of character
And spread the joy of dance
No matter what adversity
Reiterating the strategy of the Lotus Sutra -
Encompassing the innate self belief of Buddhahood
Vacillating from cradle to grave
Over and over again.
Leading an entity
Until the end of our finite existence
To spark a culture revolution
Inspiring the next generation of young blood
Of the same passion and love
Nurtured by the same Mystic Law
Crazy as it might sound
Reality might snarl
Essentially life is short
What else is there left to fear?
- Yunhaier
Monday, September 08, 2008
Aunt Agony II 080908
Originally posted by cherrycola:
What is True Love?
People say that the road to true love is filled with obstacles and challenges and it is never a bed of roses. Do you agree? Can anyone share their thorny path towards finding the one and the destination of happily ever after?
People, these days, are overly obsessed with the notion of True Love that they, very often, built false imagery about what's Love onto this ideal. The concept of True Love is so distorted that people justify its existence and rationalize foolish behaviour as acceptable just because they reckon that it's true love.
Wtf is true?
Can one True Love be any 'Trurer' than another? Or can it only be ONE True Love?
People should phucking wake up one day to the fact that their Love is true until the day they are proven false. That should only be the reality that must consider and believe in. Why should any good relationship be labeled as 'untrue' just because you reckon that something is amiss? And yet you know not of this 'something'?
I can have someone who is married to a good wife, yet feeling dissatisfied just because he is missing the 'soul mate' feeling.
Totally wtf.
Most of the time, the concept of True Love is but a facade for the operation of karmic relationship. 'Blindness' and 'selective perception' are common 'symptom'.
The entity of a relationship leading to fulfillment is achieved through the blessing of both nature and nurture aspects of Love. True Love is not granted by the stars, neither can hardwork alone succeed in constructing the most beautiful relationship - both are equally important.
Thus Love is always true, until proven false.
Cheers
Aunt Agony 080908
Originally posted by don't know much:
Friends invited me for their wedding dinner.
Being a generous bachelor, I gave $100 on every dinner which is considered way-too-much for a single person attending. I didn't think like the majority, but rather view going to dinners, as a get-together with old mates.
But today, I changed my mind. I could've chosen not to go to such dinner.
1. Inferior, being a bachelor.2. Is it really a earn-back-all-the-hongbaos for the married couple? Because, most times, Singaporeans always chat about "earning back the hongbaos". Like, conversations revolve around $ $ $$$$ (that is, being kaisu, etc.)
2
Is marriage really that important ?
Is having a partner really that necessary? Say, if a person is independent, he could have all the freedom to do whatever things he loves to. When it comes to old age, he could employ a care-giver.
Love-wise? Hmm. What is love, exactly? When I could've slept with my friend. Not that she's someone whom I love, but rather a at-the-moment lust / fun / whatsoever u term it...
Ideally, you're someone who'd experienced all the wonderful post-marriage life? Or rather, u're a mum/dad of kids?Or you could be doing anything,anywhere... for u're a super independent person enjoying life to its fullest.
If u could enlighten me?
2 points :it's okay not to go for dinners anymore ? (i may inflict damage with their relationship? however i tried to text a buddy who just got married(then)... he didn't reply, so I assume he's busy Organising A Family.) So I shan't give a damn, right?If marriage is really important?
Marriage per se means nothing if it doesn't lead to overall emotional and spiritual fulfillment that many seek to attain. Some people got hold of it without much problem, while others desperately fight to source it. Nevertheless, one cannot divorce Love from their life without feeling some form of inadequacy.
Eric Erikson developmental stages mentioned about Intimacy verse Isolation stage; for if one is unable to achieve intimacy, isolation is likely to occur for an individual.
I met a few people who argued that they did not need Love in their life at all. Absolutely.
Then again, though the quality of their life might not suffer as they will not encounter the typical woes that besiege a relationship, but critically, the richness of life as a whole will greatly be amiss and will inevitably cause some form of stagnation. Though one wouldn't die without Love, but one cannot seek to leverage much from a life devoid of Love. Of course, one can seek to substitute this lack through active involvement in various causes, but that's only if the individual is motivated to act in this manner. Sometimes, people lacking in love are just about leading inane lives with little meanings as well, which worsen the void further.
In Astrology, there is a pattern of Saturn affliction, involving people having difficult relationship with others. This difficulty stems from loneliness, superiority complex, overly rigidity or emotional crystalization - usually influence by karmic ties with the notion of Love.
I must emphasize this point: everyone has different internal root reasons for the external cause of isolation. People might be similar, but no two developmental process and the attitude towards those processes are the same.
My question to you is simple. 'Why ain't marriage important?' Or Love, for example, if marriage seemed a little too far fetched.
You probably might want to understand why would you place yourself in such pessimism and negative attitude towards it. You might want to analysis the route tracing to your innate belief and then seek to undo some of the negative values that might have been unconsciously promoted during your growing up years.
Then you might just answer your own question unwittingly.
Cheers
Friends invited me for their wedding dinner.
Being a generous bachelor, I gave $100 on every dinner which is considered way-too-much for a single person attending. I didn't think like the majority, but rather view going to dinners, as a get-together with old mates.
But today, I changed my mind. I could've chosen not to go to such dinner.
1. Inferior, being a bachelor.2. Is it really a earn-back-all-the-hongbaos for the married couple? Because, most times, Singaporeans always chat about "earning back the hongbaos". Like, conversations revolve around $ $ $$$$ (that is, being kaisu, etc.)
2
Is marriage really that important ?
Is having a partner really that necessary? Say, if a person is independent, he could have all the freedom to do whatever things he loves to. When it comes to old age, he could employ a care-giver.
Love-wise? Hmm. What is love, exactly? When I could've slept with my friend. Not that she's someone whom I love, but rather a at-the-moment lust / fun / whatsoever u term it...
Ideally, you're someone who'd experienced all the wonderful post-marriage life? Or rather, u're a mum/dad of kids?Or you could be doing anything,anywhere... for u're a super independent person enjoying life to its fullest.
If u could enlighten me?
2 points :it's okay not to go for dinners anymore ? (i may inflict damage with their relationship? however i tried to text a buddy who just got married(then)... he didn't reply, so I assume he's busy Organising A Family.) So I shan't give a damn, right?If marriage is really important?
Marriage per se means nothing if it doesn't lead to overall emotional and spiritual fulfillment that many seek to attain. Some people got hold of it without much problem, while others desperately fight to source it. Nevertheless, one cannot divorce Love from their life without feeling some form of inadequacy.
Eric Erikson developmental stages mentioned about Intimacy verse Isolation stage; for if one is unable to achieve intimacy, isolation is likely to occur for an individual.
I met a few people who argued that they did not need Love in their life at all. Absolutely.
Then again, though the quality of their life might not suffer as they will not encounter the typical woes that besiege a relationship, but critically, the richness of life as a whole will greatly be amiss and will inevitably cause some form of stagnation. Though one wouldn't die without Love, but one cannot seek to leverage much from a life devoid of Love. Of course, one can seek to substitute this lack through active involvement in various causes, but that's only if the individual is motivated to act in this manner. Sometimes, people lacking in love are just about leading inane lives with little meanings as well, which worsen the void further.
In Astrology, there is a pattern of Saturn affliction, involving people having difficult relationship with others. This difficulty stems from loneliness, superiority complex, overly rigidity or emotional crystalization - usually influence by karmic ties with the notion of Love.
I must emphasize this point: everyone has different internal root reasons for the external cause of isolation. People might be similar, but no two developmental process and the attitude towards those processes are the same.
My question to you is simple. 'Why ain't marriage important?' Or Love, for example, if marriage seemed a little too far fetched.
You probably might want to understand why would you place yourself in such pessimism and negative attitude towards it. You might want to analysis the route tracing to your innate belief and then seek to undo some of the negative values that might have been unconsciously promoted during your growing up years.
Then you might just answer your own question unwittingly.
Cheers
BlackBerry Mascot
BlackBerry Tri-Uni Event
I think the BlackBerry Mascot looks damn cute la! But I pity the lad inside it.
Mind you, this is beach setting with searing sun.
Buddhist Amy Winehouse
'Rehab' singer Amy Winehouse has taken up Buddhism after been inspired by singer Tina Turner to seek solace in the religion.
Amy Winehouse has taken up Buddhism.
The troubled star - who doctors reportedly fear could be brain damaged after a recent cannabis overdose - has been inspired by singer Tina Turner to seek solace in the religion.
The 24-year-old singer chants Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, a form of Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism.
A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: 'Amy was introduced to Buddhist chanting by one of her musicians. She chants for 10 minutes in the mornings and just before she sleeps.
'Amy has also been watching the interview clip of Tina Turner chanting on YouTube and she reckons it's already affecting her in a positive way.
'She has a string of Buddhist beads that she chants with, which she keeps in a red silk scarf. She says chanting is filling her life with positivity.'
Amy has endured a turbulent 2008. She has been in and out of rehab, involved in several drunken brawls, seen her husband Blake Fielder-Civil jailed and suffer numerous health problems, including scarring of the lungs.
The 'Rehab' singer is planning to dress up as a mermaid for her performance at the Bestival music festival on the Isle of Wight this weekend, for the '30000 Freaks Under The Sea' fancy dress theme.
http://entertainment.sg.msn.com/Celebrity-Gossip/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1656958
Cheers
Amy Winehouse has taken up Buddhism.
The troubled star - who doctors reportedly fear could be brain damaged after a recent cannabis overdose - has been inspired by singer Tina Turner to seek solace in the religion.
The 24-year-old singer chants Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, a form of Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism.
A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: 'Amy was introduced to Buddhist chanting by one of her musicians. She chants for 10 minutes in the mornings and just before she sleeps.
'Amy has also been watching the interview clip of Tina Turner chanting on YouTube and she reckons it's already affecting her in a positive way.
'She has a string of Buddhist beads that she chants with, which she keeps in a red silk scarf. She says chanting is filling her life with positivity.'
Amy has endured a turbulent 2008. She has been in and out of rehab, involved in several drunken brawls, seen her husband Blake Fielder-Civil jailed and suffer numerous health problems, including scarring of the lungs.
The 'Rehab' singer is planning to dress up as a mermaid for her performance at the Bestival music festival on the Isle of Wight this weekend, for the '30000 Freaks Under The Sea' fancy dress theme.
http://entertainment.sg.msn.com/Celebrity-Gossip/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1656958
Cheers
Saturday, September 06, 2008
云孩儿。。要加油
Distinction for TMA01 for sociology.
In midst of all the madness I am going through, this is an incredible achievement.
Keep up the pace Yun!
5 more to go to end this year with honor! No dying in shame!
Hi Mark, you were very concise in your analysis and the overall essay was well-organised. You used references from other studies to critique the methods in this study, which is excellent. Another strong point was the correct and proper use of citations, this is a good start to essay writing and your explanations demonstrated a strong understanding of the various sociological perspectives. Just be more careful in your wording (“feminist” and not “feminine”) You also made very good observations about the limitations and advantages of the methods used, and suggested improvements. I liked the analytical thought you put in your critique of the assumptions made by the author, but you could have taken this further by being more specific in your critiques (see my comments in text). An excellent effort.
In midst of all the madness I am going through, this is an incredible achievement.
Keep up the pace Yun!
5 more to go to end this year with honor! No dying in shame!
Hi Mark, you were very concise in your analysis and the overall essay was well-organised. You used references from other studies to critique the methods in this study, which is excellent. Another strong point was the correct and proper use of citations, this is a good start to essay writing and your explanations demonstrated a strong understanding of the various sociological perspectives. Just be more careful in your wording (“feminist” and not “feminine”) You also made very good observations about the limitations and advantages of the methods used, and suggested improvements. I liked the analytical thought you put in your critique of the assumptions made by the author, but you could have taken this further by being more specific in your critiques (see my comments in text). An excellent effort.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Aunt Agony 020908
Originally posted by PurplePapaya:
Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.
He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.
I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?
Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.
With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.
I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic?
Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?
I just came back home and is fringing tired. But I felt that I just had to reply to this:
There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love (CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering this periodic burst-fire.
As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind would function.
Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances, but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as latent effect. I will show you how:
You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter). Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.
Only when you regain control consciously, would peace arrive.
And so does the guilt.
When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.
***
I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you have wrote:
Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control.
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.
***
If you study the above flow, the ability to manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity to avoid triggering them.
But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality, regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open floodgate and release.
Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.
Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart might need some comfort and assuring.
P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance forward.
Cheers
Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.
He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.
I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?
Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.
With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.
I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic?
Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?
I just came back home and is fringing tired. But I felt that I just had to reply to this:
There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love (CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering this periodic burst-fire.
As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind would function.
Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances, but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as latent effect. I will show you how:
You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter). Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.
Only when you regain control consciously, would peace arrive.
And so does the guilt.
When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.
***
I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you have wrote:
Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control.
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.
***
If you study the above flow, the ability to manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity to avoid triggering them.
But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality, regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open floodgate and release.
Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.
Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart might need some comfort and assuring.
P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance forward.
Cheers
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