Originally posted rachel_ella:
Hi!
I had gone through a very rough period last Sep to Nov. My relationship with my MIL is at its worst state especially when she asked me to return the jewellery she had given to me when I got married. She had been very unhappy about my attitude towards her like not asking her how her day was and not coming out of my room to greet her when she came over. She called up my hubby while he was at work and gave her 'feedback' daily and that caused fraustrations and pressure on hubby.
Eventually, hubby found a confidant, his staff from China, who just seems to be able to understand what he is going through and agreed that I had been rude to my MIL. They started a relationship. MIL knew about her existance and told hubby to bring her home since she is an obedient and nice woman who will be nice to her.
Hubby suggested to cool off for a period but I refused to and insisted trying my best to salvage my marriage. MIL was very supportive of me trying to salvage my marriage and lent me her shoulder to weep on when I went to the rough period. I was very grateful of her support and hubby & I started picking up the pieces together again but he could not let go of his confidant from China.
It just happened that I found out they had spent a night together at a hotel and he had made hotel bookings before but I have no idea who he went with. MIL had been nice to me since but recently hubby's China confidant forwarded me a pic of her with MIL, together with the msg, "Bet you don't know about all these outings and I'm being accepted." I informed hubby and he asked her about the pic. She said she did not send. Hubby told me she is a very simple person and that may be an accident. However, without her sending me the pic, I will never know about MIL actually met her in person and gone out with her.
I felt very betrayed and hurt. Hubby cannot stop seeing her although he had been treating me very well and MIL had been nice to me too. I felt I am living with people who are keeping things from me. I am well educated and holds a respectable job, I do my best to make hubby feels proud of me infront of his friends which I succeed. However, hubby felt difficult to let go of her cos she is not as good as me. Is it my fault to be a working woman but not able to give MIL my attention due to work? Is being too capable a flaw? Please help.
Your situation does seem a little awkward; something that could easily be perceive as a morally questionable outcome is somewhat culturally accepted in the family. This leads me to wonder about the circumstances leading to your process of getting married. Your focus also appears to emphasize on your career dimension and how this leads to 'face quality' for your husband.
In that nutshell, I am just curious about how did it get embedded into your perspective - that this is an important value that needs great attention, insofar that other things (e.g. positive regards for your in laws) somehow gets compromised.
Also, your mother-in-law does seem to have a major influence on the way your husband run his relationship. If his definition of love revolves around having positive relationship with his mother, then certainty it would make reasonable sense for his behaviour. In some ways, it is likely to be a mix of reasons and excuses, where he conveniently seeks out someone 'outside' the content of his relationship, instead of opting to work things out.
After all, this third party has already been endorsed by the dowager; almost like some special permit.
In addition, if there is severe power imbalance in this relationship against you, then it does spell some degree of unfairness, suppression and trouble. Having one person to fulfill the 'face quality', another to fulfill the mother's liking and two to fulfill a combination of emotional/physical needs - this is the best of three worlds, isn't it?
Being capable isn't a fault of it's own - it's the sacrifice we accept as part of being capable that is the problem. Reasonably, working fifteen hours a day may make you a productive and valuable player in your work team, but surely, that would also mean that you are sacrificing quality time in your family for such pursuit.
However, I do feel that your struggle is unique (as mentioned in my first paragraph about how ironic your circumstances are) and my sense (I may be wrong) is that it may have something to do with your self worth. I do believe your current position is painful.
Do you have anyone in your network (e.g. friends/family) supporting you emotionally? Do anyone know about your situation?
Cheers
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The man who keeps falling in love with his wife
Just want to share an interesting read. The actual article can be found here
***
When a virus destroyed part of his brain, Clive Wearing was left with no memory. He is still trapped in an eternal present. Yet he does remember that he loves his wife, Deborah. Here she tells their heartbreaking story
Clive had no idea that Tuesday, March 26, 1985 would be his last day of conscious thought. We weren't ready. Did he feel his brain disappearing that night? Why didn't he wake me? By morning he could not answer a simple question or remember my name. The doctor said it was flu and a lack of sleep that was causing the confusion. He tucked him up with a temperature of 104 and a bottle of sleeping pills.
"No need to stay home," he said to me. "These'll knock him out for eight hours. Go to work."
I went to work. When I came home that night the bed was empty. His pyjamas lay crumpled in the middle of the bare sheet. I screamed his name. Running the length of the flat, I already knew something bad had happened.
"I'm never ill," Clive used to say. And he never was. Then all of a sudden he was. But instead of a normal illness, this one is rare, sneaky. Nobody knew what was wrong with him: not the taxi-driver who found him wandering the streets that night, nor the policeman who traced his address from his credit card and called me.
When we finally got him to St Mary's Hospital, Paddington, the doctors thought he was a goner. Only they didn't put it like that. They told me what they thought he might have, and said it had a high mortality rate. I didn't know if that meant probably live or probably die, and I didn't like to ask.
The diagnosis came 11 hours after our arrival at St Mary's. A virus had caused holes in Clive's brain; his memories had fallen out. The doctors said it was encephalitis, from herpes simplex, the cold-sore virus. The virus, they explained, lies dormant in most of the population. Once in a blue moon it slips its moorings, and instead of going to the mouth it goes to the brain. The brain swells up, and, before long, brain crushes against bone.
The virus does its damage before anyone knows it is there. Affected areas include temporal lobes, occipito-parietal and frontal lobes... thalamus, hypothalamus, amygdala; it just keeps on storming through. The part it wipes out completely is the hippocampus, Greek for seahorse. These structures are what we use for recall and remembering, and laying down new thoughts.
By the time they had figured out what was wrong with Clive and started pumping anti-viral drugs into him, all he had left where his memory used to be were seahorse-shaped scars. He could not remember a single thing that had ever happened to him, but he remembered me and knew that he loved me.
August, 1985: "How long have I been ill?''
"Four months."
"Four months? Is that F-O-R or F-O-U-R (ha ha!)?"
"F-O-U-R."
"Well, I've been unconscious the whole time! What do you think it's like to be unconscious for... how long?''
"Four months."
"Four months! For months? Is that F-O-R or F-O-U-R?"
"F-O-U-R."
"I haven't heard anything, seen anything, smelled anything, felt anything, touched anything. How long?"
"Four months."
"... four months! It's like being dead. I haven't been conscious the whole time. How long's it been?"
After two weeks, I decided it was legitimate to start saying, "Nearly five months," to skip the joke. It was all I could do to manage the dialogue itself, but finding the patience to react each time as if for the first time - so that he wouldn't feel that I was ignoring him - was sometimes beyond me.
Clive was constantly surrounded by strangers in a strange place, with no knowledge of where he was or what had happened to him. To catch sight of me was always a massive relief - to know that he was not alone, that I still cared, that I loved him, that I was there. Every time he saw me, he would run to me, fall on me, sobbing, clinging. It was a fierce reunion.
"I thought I was dead," he would say, "if I had any thoughts at all."
If I left Clive's side, the impact of my reappearance after a trip to the bathroom, a word with a nurse, was no less than at my first appearance that day. Clive was living in an abyss, and then out of nowhere, without any warning, I, his wife, would appear over the rim, right there in the room with him.
Sometimes his right arm shot up in the air and he would sing a high note, a little cadenza, he would lift me up and swing me round and laugh, then stop and hold me and look at me, study my face, grinning, searching to see if I had cottoned on to the fact that he was awake now, alive, truly seeing me.
"I can see you!" he'd announce triumphantly. "I'm seeing everything properly now!" It was hard to look excited and delighted for the umpteenth time on one visit, but being besotted with him helped. I was always delighted to see his face, to hold him and kiss him. Before he'd been ill, we would greet each other whenever we found ourselves in the same room together.
When we met at the end of the day or in the street or at rehearsal (Clive was a conductor and BBC music producer when the illness struck), we always hurried to reach each other, passionate and full of affection. So, although it was painful when Clive was so distressed, hugging him for some minutes after a visit to, say, the bathroom, was in keeping with our relationship.
In spite of Clive's amnesia, inside he retained his fundamental intelligence: the same intelligence that had propelled him throughout his career. He was often lucid and, apart from occasional episodes when he was full of rage, he was himself. That was what made his condition all the more horrific.
Clive no longer had any episodic memory, that is, memory for events. Clive did not have the brain parts necessary to recall anything that had happened to him in the whole of his life. But, as is the case with amnesia, he could remember general things. For example, Clive knew that he was married, although he was unable to recall our wedding - a civil ceremony in Camden Town Hall in September, 1983.
He could not have described my appearance, although he knew me as soon as he saw me. He knew he was a musician and conductor, but could not recall any concert. He knew his children by his first marriage - two sons and a daughter, all grown up - but expected them to be much smaller and wasn't sure how many he had. He was surprised to see that The Times no longer had personal columns on its front page, and thought it would cost fourpence, a pre-decimalisation price.
He knew his own name and the names of his siblings and childhood family. He knew facts about his childhood life: where he grew up, where he was evacuated to in the war. He knew that he went to Clare College Cambridge, on a choral scholarship, opting against King's because "everybody wanted to go there".
After that, his sense of his own autobiography got a bit hazy. It was just as well we'd been together six-and-a-half years, or he might not have been able to remember me.
We were looking around for treatment, a brain-injury rehabilitation programme that would take him on. But could rehabilitation stick when nothing else had? Clive could not remember the sentence before the one he was in. Conversation, watching television or reading were beyond him.
I learned that amnesic people have some residual learning capacity that is implicit; they can learn through a kind of conditioning process. A person can learn to respond to certain stimuli even if they think it is their first experience of the stimulus. For example, since the staff always gave Clive a small plastic beaker of water with his medication, he would expect it, raise the beaker and say every time, "Is this champagne, or real pain?"
Amnesic people can also recall by using "priming": that is, if they hear one thing or phrase associated with another, hearing the first prompts a statement of the second. So, if I said, "St Mary's," Clive could say, "Paddington," though he had no idea what it meant.
When Clive made the first entries in his diary it was at my prompting. But on Sunday, July 7, 1985 he made his first spontaneous entry: "Today: 1st CONSCIOUSNESS... Conscious for the FIRST TIME."
This probably marks the first time Clive was able to articulate to himself the strange phenomenon of immediate and blanket forgetting that he had experienced since he was brought into hospital.
Clive made entries in the diary every two or three minutes. People have sometimes interpreted that to imply a new awakening at two- or three-minute intervals. In fact the lapse between each entry signified only the time it took for the process of recording. It involved deciding to write down the fact of his awakening, pulling a pen from his pocket and writing; then a read-through of previous entries, scoring these out because he was sure he had been unconscious when he wrote them.
When he came to the last entry he checked his watch and saw that it was incorrect, so he amended it, reinforcing the last and only true entry by underlining it. Finally Clive would replace the top on his pen, put it back in his pocket and look around to get his bearings in the room. That process might take the few minutes between entries. His span of "consciousness" is actually a great deal shorter.
Every diary entry gives an eyewitness account of a life with no memory: "5.10am Conscusch FINALLY AWAKE AT - AM [a hotchpotch of successive times all scribbled out later] exactly. Newspaper arrived at 8.40am Medicines arrived at 8.45am AND I AWOKE properly AT 8.47am. And completely at 8.49am And became aware of the problems of understanding me."
I was reading medical books, but the cases I read about bore little resemblance to Clive's. For one thing, he started to talk backwards. It had the qualities of compulsion, as if it were his language of choice. He spoke backwards more quickly than anyone could decipher what he was saying. He thoroughly enjoyed this, and gave the staff a run for their money, giggling when they couldn't make him out. He didn't seem to be able to recall my name, but recognised it when he saw it.
"harobeD!" he said. "O harobeD, I evol ouy!"
The fact that Clive could spell and speak back-to-front with such facility and wit showed there was some real intelligence alive in there. His brain might be dark, and yet he was a crack backwards-speaker.
I was soon to discover that more of Clive's brain was intact. There were not many places to go off the ward with Clive but the hospital chapel was one of them, a familiar environment to Clive, who had spent his whole life singing, playing the organ or conducting in similar rooms.
I picked up some music and held it open for Clive to see. I started to sing one of the lines. He picked up the tenor line and sang with me. A bar or so in, I suddenly realised what was happening. He could still read music. He was singing. His talk might be a jumble no one could understand, but his brain was still capable of music.
This opened a door for Clive. He could sit down at the chapel organ and play with both hands on the keyboard, changing stops, and with his feet on the pedals, as if this were easier than riding a bicycle. Singing was in many ways easier than talking. It transcended language.
And the momentum of the music carried Clive from bar to bar. He knew exactly where he was because in every phrase there is context implied: by rhythm, key, melody. When the music stopped, Clive fell through to the lost place. But for those moments he was playing he seemed normal again.
I had long worried about Clive's future care. He continued to live in the same room in the psychiatric wing of St Mary's, but it was not ideal. Then, in 1992, a new residential unit for people with acquired brain injury opened that was just right for Clive: a beautiful house in the countryside in the grounds of a large rehab centre.
With Clive settled, I could begin to plan my own extrication from the brain-injury world. I thought leaving England would perhaps be a way of leaving all the pain. I'd been 27 when Clive got ill. I was now turning 35. I initiated divorce. I took a plane to Washington DC and sold the London flat. I planned to stay away forever, make a new life. It didn't work out quite that way.
Clive never knew we were divorced because he was incapable of knowing anything. His family and his consultant agreed it would only upset him at the time, and he would remember none of it afterwards anyway. Legally he could not give informed consent, so his son acted for him.
Everyone understood that the divorce was partly one of expedience, since I would not be in the UK to look out for Clive; and partly an action to help me move on to a life beyond Clive. But I would remain joint next of kin with his son, because I wanted to continue to be involved in taking decisions about Clive, to continue to be his advocate. His family supported me in that.
I continued to visit him. Nine years into the amnesia, there was some difference in our reunions. For the first few years Clive had always found them intensely emotional, bringing on either grief, high-note joy or furious anger. Now, when I came back from America, it was my turn to feel intensely emotional. I was longing to see him.
When I put my head round his door, his face registered a rush of delight and surprise as if he were about to dash to me as usual and lift me up and swing me round, but then he checked himself. He stood where he was, diffident. He knew enough about himself to realise that although it might seem like months or years of absence to him, I might only have been to the bathroom.
He seemed to be learning, through a kind of interior rehabilitation. He was developing a growing sense that he had asked and heard these questions and answers of awakening before. Though his stump of memory never allowed progression from first moment to sustained time, he understood enough of his situation to help him relate to others without constantly shouting to be let out of his amnesia. As I observed these subtle changes since my absence, I could not suppress a flash of hope. What else might he accomplish?
For the longest time little changed. Clive and I were each in a limbo of our own. But one night in 1999 I discovered, during a phone call to a friend, that God is real and who He is. Suddenly I knew what was important. I was beginning to know how to live, and discovered the power of prayer
Meanwhile Clive, from being withdrawn and morose in his room, became garrulous and outgoing. There were certain themes he stuck to, and some of what he said was rather odd, but he had come a long way from the years of the endless same few questions.
Now he would string all his subjects together in a row, and the other person simply needed to nod or mumble agreement. On days when he was in particularly good spirits, he might run through all his topics at once. Then I knew he was happy. If he was unhappy he would revert to the desperate old questions - "What's it like to have one long night lasting ...how long?"
Now that it had been 14 years, nobody liked to tell him how long. "It's like being dead!" The staff had come to call these his "deads", and they would count them and enter them in their records as a measure of how he was doing.
Clive was, granted, still perhaps the worst case of amnesia in the world, but there was no doubt he was learning new things and the difference it made to his quality of life to be able to converse more easily was significant.
One day I rang Clive and asked him how he'd feel about renewing our marriage vows. "What a lovely idea," he said.
And so, on Easter Sunday 2002, Clive and I dressed up to the nines. Clive's son Anthony came with his wife and two children, and so did Clive's care assistant, Laura. We had not made our marriage vows in church first time round so this would be much more powerful.
Clive was able to participate completely, remembering the Lord's Prayer and saying all that he wanted to say. The best bit was when we knelt down and our joined hands were wrapped in a golden sash. It went beyond a physical joining. It felt like we were touching something of eternity. Afterwards the tea room served us large slices of Victoria sponge and Clive, although he had no memory of what had taken place, was delighted, laughing and quipping and eating everything put in front of him.
Back at Clive's home, they had made up a bed for me in his room, strewn with red rose petals and balloons, like a fairy tale. The decorations made me sad. It's still sad - that he's like he is and that, apart from the heart-to-heart love, we have nothing resembling a regular marriage.
Even spending the night together in the same room doesn't work, as he wakes up constantly, several times an hour, wondering who the shape in the next bed can be.
Clive still writes his diary. The entries have barely changed, but the handwriting is calmer now. And his disposition is a lot happier. He knows he is in his place and I am out in the world.
"When are you coming?" is his regular refrain. But if I hesitate at all he reassures me that he is all right and he understands I have to do what I have to do.
"Get here at dawn," he says anyway. "Get here at the speed of light."
And one day I do arrive at dawn. I drive through the near-empty roads, hoping to be there when he wakes. But when they open the front door, he is there, already awake, and I am the first person he has seen and he clasps me to him and sings a high G and waltzes me into the living-room.
"My eyes have just come on," he says. "I can see everything normally for the first time."
"And I'm here!" I say.
He hugs me again, holds me at arm's length and smiles.
Later, when he makes me coffee, he knows where the cups are and where the milk is kept. I take him for a drive, and as we draw near to the house on the way back, he must recognise the place, for he unclasps his seat belt and offers to get out and open the gate.
When I leave that night my car doesn't start and I have to come in and call the breakdown service. We make a drink in the kitchen. Seven minutes after the last mention of my car Clive says, "Well, at least it means you can stay a bit longer!" Perhaps he had been rehearsing the event in his mind through those minutes. When the garage has repaired the fault and the engine is running, I come back in to get my things. Clive is ready to say goodbye and not hello.
"Remember I love you," I say.
"I can never forget you for a moment," he says. "We're not two people but one. You're the raison d'être for my heartbeat, darling. I love you for e-ter-ni-ty."
When I reach home several hours later I call him. I want to tell him I've arrived safely but he's forgotten I was there.
"When are you coming?" he says. "Please come at the speed of light!"
"I just got home from you," I say.
"Oh really? Well, come at dawn then..."
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Aunt Agony 160413
Originally posted by soccer123:
Hello people. I have something to share here, and will like to seek some opinions and advice on a relationship matter..it may be very complicated and i expect to draw some flak. but just want to be honest here and get some thoughts on this.. (Caution: Long post ahead).
This is my first post here, and i am a guy who is 27yo, with a lovely gf, W, who is currently studying and away from S'pore for 8 mths. I am now 6 mths into my first job upon graduation. The story began in this first job.
Beginning
I came into the new office and worked with this project with a colleague, S, who was already in the project. Things were very professional and I was very serious in my work. S, as i learnt when i came into the office, will be getting married in about a year's time and it was already known to the whole office back then.
I had totally no imagination or liking for S at all, because i am already attached and she is already going to marry her bf of 2 years, J. However, I must admit that S is attractive and she is very serious in whatever work she is doing. Our working level relationship were pretty much the norm for the first 5 months, except that around the 3rd-5th months, we did start to chat a little bit, sidetrack abit from work during work conversations in whatsapp or email. But there were still no signs of flirting at all. Pure chit chatting with a colleague - friend. Along the way, S was busy preparing her new home, her wedding, and work. I, on the other hand, was basically work, and occasionally skype sessions with my gf, W.
The catalyst
Now, during one day in the 5th month, after a meeting, when all had left the room except for S and I, S told me that she was going to tender her resignation soon. I was in a state of shock, which later turned into disappointment. We stayed behind in the meeting room. We talked, I remained cool, and I asked her the usual questions like why did she want to quit, going to where, when, and so on. More importantly, I asked her to reconsider it because I would like her to stay, and I couldnt bear to see her go as I felt we were just in the beginning of the making of a good working tag team. I felt upset at that time, but I didnt show. She didnt tell me any reasons for wanting to quit, and the place where she is going too. We basically ended off with no conclusion.
For the next few days, I would try to persuade her to stay, as I realised as the days go by that I cant bear to see her go. At first, I thought it was because of the high turnover rate in the office (around 5-6 ppl had left during my short time there), but I realised that I really enjoy working with her and the understanding we had in work.
S did tell me that she would see first, but she already had an offer in another office. Somehow, this topic faded away for around 2 weeks after this, because of the hectic workload we had. What happened during these 2 weeks besides work was instead a dinner out together, and a series of unexpected events:
Attraction
The dinner was due to my request. Sometimes when u know a person is leaving you start to be more appreciative. In my case, I tried to use such opportunities to try to talk S round. What started off pretty simple ended with a slow walk out to the main road and at that time, both of us felt something.. attraction.
The other event that happened was on april fools' day. Again, we worked late. The whole office only had the 2 of us left. We were looking on my computer and half discussing work, half chit chatting, when suddenly she asked: 'can i kiss u'? To be honest, I was used to her harmless tricks and antics, so i was wary. I didnt think that she was really going to kiss me. But i sat still. She came closer.. until her lips were 3cm from mine. True enough, she suddenly pulled back and said 'bluff u!' and returned to her seat.
I was not surprised really, and didnt asked anything immediately after, and continued doing my work. We finally got our work done at around 2am, and were walking out the office and switching off the lights. It was then that I casually asked: 'u really were joking about kissing me huh? Can joke about this kind of thing one huh?' S replied: 'i am serious'. I realised she must have felt i thought she was joking or not taking her seriously. In that 1 moment, I moved my face closer, saw her..S got suddenly nervous and eyes were flustering. I moved until my lips touched hers. for 3 seconds. then i pulled back, and we left the office and for home separately.
The next day was the same. We worked till late. Only that this time, we were abit shy and more friendly to each other than before. As we left the office together, reached downstairs (which was a shopping mall), i was prepared to go to the taxi stand with her and go home. But she asked: 'Can we walk around for a while?' I agreed, and we just walked for a bit. We came to this spiral stairs that we had never went up before and talked about the stairs. Then we decided to explore what was upstairs. We locked lips the second time up the spiral stairs. This time, it was longer, and she asked if she could hug me. And we hugged. The night when I was going home, in the taxi, I thought: 'this is going to be complicated and get serious'. I kept thinking about my gf, W, but S kept hovering at the back of my mind. Subsequently, things became more ai4 mei4 and beneath the work we shared, we began to share many other things, like breakfasts, dinners, jokes, and chats.
Shocked
Until one day, when I was in boss' office and discussing about work, boss suddenly told me: 'do u know S tendered her resignation yesterday?' I was in a state of shock. I tried very hard to maintain composure, and finished the discussion. After which, I pulled S to outside the office, and asked her about it. We decided to talk about it after work.
The talk after work that day was emotional. I kept emphasising how much I would like her to stay. Only that this time I suddenly wasn't sure why I was asking her to stay. Was it because I really need her in the project, or want to develop the budding working chemistry we have so perhaps in future we can become partners of our own business, or because I realised I really couldn't bear to see her go? Perhaps it is all. I teared. What she told me kind of surprised me but it was something that I had thought before. She said part of the reason was me. She could not focus on her work and her bf. She realised that even when she was with her bf, she kept thinking of me. She knew this would get her into trouble. She had to leave. Her other reason was work-related. After much talk, eventually, the conclusion that night was she would reconsider her resignation. Something which gave me hope but I knew subconsciously that she had made up her mind and i was merely delaying the formality. The main point from me for her decision to 'reconsider' was that I would prove to her that I would not be a negative distraction to her. Instead, I would become a positive distraction and try to motivate her to conc on her work and her bf. In a way, it was like saying I would be someone who will toe my line and try to make her life happier from a distance.
Eventually, she told me she really did not want to sink deeper and would stick by her decision. I still tried for a few days more but to no avail. I was disappointed and upset.
About S's bf, J
All this while, she told me alot about her bf of 2 years, J. J was someone who gets suspicious easily, and he would keep calling S and ask her where she is, what she is doing, when is she going back, why, how, etc. S said she found it annoying. S also said that when J proposed to her overseas last year, she really did not want to agree because she didnt feel prepared at all. But looking at J, who knelt down and looked so disappointed, she relented. When I heard about all these, I felt I had 2 sides of me: a devil side and an angel side. And I have done both. I told her that it was obvious that she isnt happy and her feelings for him are not strong enough. She also said that J likes her more than she likes him. I told her that supposedly if she finds that i am more suitable one day, will she give up the wedding plans and chase her happiness? She said she cannot afford to lose everything. It would be too much of a risk. And I am attached. I knew I should not bring this up at all. The other side of me, the angelic side, would tell her that she has to think carefully before committing, for this is a decision which will impact the rest of her life. I told her that if she indeed realise that someone else is more suitable one day, and this feeling gets so strong until she believes in it, she should follow her heart and do it. But i made it clear that it must be from her and she must be clear about it. It cannot come from that someone, or from me. And if she manages to stay committed and learn to appreciate the good of her bf and grow old with him, I would give her my blessings too. When I said that, I started to become unsure if I was saying that because I want her to be happy and not make the wrong decision, or because I want her.
but looking at her, i knew she is in a huge dilemma. she isnt happy at all. I received 2 missed calls from her at 2.30am one night but i was asleep. I called her the next morning, and she told me that she had actually wanted to tell me the previous night that she wanted to cancel the wedding. but she said she was relieved i did not pick it up. what could i say. i could only listen.
Gradual acceptance?
I tried to persuade S time and again to stay, and each time i tried, i realised she was very determined. I grew to accept it and thought about what it would be after she left. On the working front, the project will be left to me alone. I felt alittle daunted and empty inside. This project was the project which S fought so hard for, and it was still in the beginning stages. I felt upset that S is giving it up. Many a times, when i was taking a break from office and went downstairs for a short puff, i became emotional at the thought of it. I even toyed with the idea of quitting, because i knew things will never be the same again. I wondered if S and me will stop contacting. S did tell me that her leaving would be best for both of us, given that both of us have own partners, and if she leave, things will become temporal suffering. Feelings will fade, or so she said. I told her that what if feelings wont fade? And if it will fade, it will also fade if she stays. If it won't fade, it will not fade no matter where she goes. I could not control myself and said all these, knowing i have a gf who is at overseas.
I did not feel well one day and went on MC. S actually got so worried that she took urgent leave and came my house to look for me. We talk again about the same things, and got close..but did not do anything.
Did wrong.
S and myself didn't have a good recent week. She had difficulties in focusing on work and bf, she is preparing for handover, for a transitioning period, she is preparing for her wedding, she is handling her bf's questioning of where she is going, what she is doing when she was with me, and she is distracted by me. I had tried and tried to make her stay, i had tried to comfort her, make her happier, make her stay focused and giving her my wishes. But deep down, i knew i am not happy. I also had to grapple with the prospect of not having her around as a working partner in office. I was contemplating leaving, too.
S was supposed to go on a short trip over the fri/sat weekend with a few colleagues. On the friday, i asked if I can spend time together with her on sat night, at her home or somewhere else. I just wanted to spend time with her. S said that it wasn't appropriate for me to go to her home..and I knew I should not ask her that. In the end, S told her colleagues that she had smth on and would not be going to the trip and called me instead. She asked if we could spend time together on fri after work instead. she actually put her trip off. i wrapped up my work, and went downstairs where she was waiting for me. I asked her, so how should we spend the night? she told me she would bring me somewhere. she had booked a room. For the first time and night, we didnt talk much about her staying/leaving. i began to tell her that she has become more of a regular feature in my mind. we mostly talked about her needing to commit and stick to her wedding. she hugged me and kissed me. she was in a struggle. and i reciprocated. and we spent the night together. In a room.
matters of the heart
S told me she wanted for us to be friends because if we let our feelings rule further it would cause us both lots of trouble. She said that her bf is already suspecting something, and they have been quarreling over all kinds of things. They were supposed to go choose gowns in the bridal studio, but they had a quarrel and called the appt off. S called me, wanted to meet me, but in no time told me again that she would again meet her bf to go to the bridal studio again. It was, to me, like an action to prove that she wants to fulfil the wedding promise. I replied her that i hope their quarrel would subside when they meet, and let me know again if she wants to meet me after that, though it would not be very possible because her bf would definitely question her.
A few things are clear: she is leaving, she wants to stay committed to her wedding, she likes me alot, she wants to be with me but she could not.
Many things are unclear: will this be temporary, do we want this to be temporary, how will this pan out, is she ready to commit to this for the rest of her life, will she be happy. On my part, when i see my gf in 1.5 month's time, how will i feel? what do i exactly want? Even if i know what i want, what can i do? I would want to remain committed to my gf. She is really an awesome girl. But what if my feelings grow stronger by the day? This is not something within my control and i cannot be the one to cause S trouble and risk all she has.
This is what I would like to share with you here. Will appreciate many opinions and what will you do if you are the guy / girl. This matter is too delicate and either way, people will be hurt. Some of my friends believe in karma, some don't, and believe in happiness. What about you?
I accept all replies and flaks.
Thank you for reading.
I believe this short span of interaction must have impacted you quite a fair bit; you gave specific details and had vivid description of your situation. However, it reeks of incongruence - of your emotions and mind. My sense is that your inner state is also a projection of her inner state, both reflecting similar condition of ambivalence, intended uncertainty and illicit passion. These dark energy bounce off one another - one thing leading to another. It is not as 'random' as you have suggested. It is subconsciously and tactically calculated, brewed by strong karmic connection.
Regardless of which angle you are viewing, technically, both of you have betrayed your respective partner. You are cheating on emotional and physical plane dualistically - reinforcing each aspect in a tight model (e.g. the more you are emotionally attached to her, the more you feel that need to be around her vice versa). This is the most arduous form of betrayal to reverse. I won't be dealing with the morality of this issue, but what probably holds true is that the decay in your own relationship will rapidly spread and this effect is gangrenous.
Each conscious attempt to proceed forward with her is an indication and permission for the rot to gnaw at your current relationship inwardly. Your gf might return soon enough, but by then, it might only be carcass left waiting to be discarded.
***
You want to stay committed to your gf, but you do not seem to want to let S go. Sounds like an ideal plan - but in reality, this is the true source of your misery. The misery of infidelity lies with the perpetual feeding of ambivalence to your situation. You cannot make a decision by taking the good of two separate decisions and call it a choice and hoping to discard the negative consequence of your option. How good would life be for me if I could have money and not work for it - so in the same way, how good would life be for you if you could have two girls and keep it that way?
Being dysfunctional would be the likely outcome. This will persist until you come in terms with the fact that you have to deal with each relationship separately.There is no way that you could prevent a hurt from happening at this juncture. Surely, someone in the picture would be devastated; the only difference is how contagious and intense this pain would manifest itself to the parties involved.
Although she claims that she wants to 'do the right thing', the poor foundation of her own relationship would not allow her reasonable chance to 'carry on life as per normal'. In fact, the catalysis has already transformed the landscape of her relationship. It is likely that the long hours of work she has invested and the robust passion she has for you is merely a facade for the long suppressed avoidant-coping stance used to deal with her dysfunctional relationship.
Hence the passion may not necessarily be love, but a form of twisted courage to get out of the relationship she is unhappy with. This is especially true for those that appears to be meek in a power-unbalanced relationship, waiting for the condition to revote.
You presented the condition. Hence the revolution will take place (or has it already begin?)
***
When you measure love as an output and neglect the process, this is where most people end up with a product totally not what they originally thought it would look like. The main driving force of love is but a collection of cosmic lessons waiting to be taught. The process of learning about love is what love will teach in one's lifetime. It's not about the efficient output that we fancy and pray that the soup would somehow taste good if we put all the components together (e.g. Get HDB, propose, wedding dinner, get married, have babies, etc). If she accepts the marriage proposal through placating and avoids raising issues concerning her own love future because she does not know how to communicate her own needs, then she will pay for the consequence (with interest) until the time when she learns to take responsibility of her choice and by working on those two aspects.
The point I am driving is that if she needs the condition of a divorce to 'graduate' from this lesson, then it will eventually happen.
You might be a 'course material' - not necessarily the model answer.
***
This circumstance presents good opportunity to review your relationship. What is happening 'outside' the relationship may have malicious factors, but you have to decide if your current relationship is something that you still want to embrace. If so, this choice actually comes with a commitment to ensure its longevity.
You cannot claim to keep it, but yet still proceed with S.
Similarly, if you have decided that you want to drop your current relationship, then it also comes with a commitment of not 'closing the door, but leaving the windows open'. That will only serve to prolong your suffering.
Being brutally honest with yourself and having deep sense of awareness will help you to decide if what you are doing is but an excuse to keep status quo. Don't get me wrong, surely you can keep status quo since it holds the best of both world. However, this is not sustainable and will collapse into disequilibrium.
Then, you will be paying for the consequence of your choice.
Cheers
Hello people. I have something to share here, and will like to seek some opinions and advice on a relationship matter..it may be very complicated and i expect to draw some flak. but just want to be honest here and get some thoughts on this.. (Caution: Long post ahead).
This is my first post here, and i am a guy who is 27yo, with a lovely gf, W, who is currently studying and away from S'pore for 8 mths. I am now 6 mths into my first job upon graduation. The story began in this first job.
Beginning
I came into the new office and worked with this project with a colleague, S, who was already in the project. Things were very professional and I was very serious in my work. S, as i learnt when i came into the office, will be getting married in about a year's time and it was already known to the whole office back then.
I had totally no imagination or liking for S at all, because i am already attached and she is already going to marry her bf of 2 years, J. However, I must admit that S is attractive and she is very serious in whatever work she is doing. Our working level relationship were pretty much the norm for the first 5 months, except that around the 3rd-5th months, we did start to chat a little bit, sidetrack abit from work during work conversations in whatsapp or email. But there were still no signs of flirting at all. Pure chit chatting with a colleague - friend. Along the way, S was busy preparing her new home, her wedding, and work. I, on the other hand, was basically work, and occasionally skype sessions with my gf, W.
The catalyst
Now, during one day in the 5th month, after a meeting, when all had left the room except for S and I, S told me that she was going to tender her resignation soon. I was in a state of shock, which later turned into disappointment. We stayed behind in the meeting room. We talked, I remained cool, and I asked her the usual questions like why did she want to quit, going to where, when, and so on. More importantly, I asked her to reconsider it because I would like her to stay, and I couldnt bear to see her go as I felt we were just in the beginning of the making of a good working tag team. I felt upset at that time, but I didnt show. She didnt tell me any reasons for wanting to quit, and the place where she is going too. We basically ended off with no conclusion.
For the next few days, I would try to persuade her to stay, as I realised as the days go by that I cant bear to see her go. At first, I thought it was because of the high turnover rate in the office (around 5-6 ppl had left during my short time there), but I realised that I really enjoy working with her and the understanding we had in work.
S did tell me that she would see first, but she already had an offer in another office. Somehow, this topic faded away for around 2 weeks after this, because of the hectic workload we had. What happened during these 2 weeks besides work was instead a dinner out together, and a series of unexpected events:
Attraction
The dinner was due to my request. Sometimes when u know a person is leaving you start to be more appreciative. In my case, I tried to use such opportunities to try to talk S round. What started off pretty simple ended with a slow walk out to the main road and at that time, both of us felt something.. attraction.
The other event that happened was on april fools' day. Again, we worked late. The whole office only had the 2 of us left. We were looking on my computer and half discussing work, half chit chatting, when suddenly she asked: 'can i kiss u'? To be honest, I was used to her harmless tricks and antics, so i was wary. I didnt think that she was really going to kiss me. But i sat still. She came closer.. until her lips were 3cm from mine. True enough, she suddenly pulled back and said 'bluff u!' and returned to her seat.
I was not surprised really, and didnt asked anything immediately after, and continued doing my work. We finally got our work done at around 2am, and were walking out the office and switching off the lights. It was then that I casually asked: 'u really were joking about kissing me huh? Can joke about this kind of thing one huh?' S replied: 'i am serious'. I realised she must have felt i thought she was joking or not taking her seriously. In that 1 moment, I moved my face closer, saw her..S got suddenly nervous and eyes were flustering. I moved until my lips touched hers. for 3 seconds. then i pulled back, and we left the office and for home separately.
The next day was the same. We worked till late. Only that this time, we were abit shy and more friendly to each other than before. As we left the office together, reached downstairs (which was a shopping mall), i was prepared to go to the taxi stand with her and go home. But she asked: 'Can we walk around for a while?' I agreed, and we just walked for a bit. We came to this spiral stairs that we had never went up before and talked about the stairs. Then we decided to explore what was upstairs. We locked lips the second time up the spiral stairs. This time, it was longer, and she asked if she could hug me. And we hugged. The night when I was going home, in the taxi, I thought: 'this is going to be complicated and get serious'. I kept thinking about my gf, W, but S kept hovering at the back of my mind. Subsequently, things became more ai4 mei4 and beneath the work we shared, we began to share many other things, like breakfasts, dinners, jokes, and chats.
Shocked
Until one day, when I was in boss' office and discussing about work, boss suddenly told me: 'do u know S tendered her resignation yesterday?' I was in a state of shock. I tried very hard to maintain composure, and finished the discussion. After which, I pulled S to outside the office, and asked her about it. We decided to talk about it after work.
The talk after work that day was emotional. I kept emphasising how much I would like her to stay. Only that this time I suddenly wasn't sure why I was asking her to stay. Was it because I really need her in the project, or want to develop the budding working chemistry we have so perhaps in future we can become partners of our own business, or because I realised I really couldn't bear to see her go? Perhaps it is all. I teared. What she told me kind of surprised me but it was something that I had thought before. She said part of the reason was me. She could not focus on her work and her bf. She realised that even when she was with her bf, she kept thinking of me. She knew this would get her into trouble. She had to leave. Her other reason was work-related. After much talk, eventually, the conclusion that night was she would reconsider her resignation. Something which gave me hope but I knew subconsciously that she had made up her mind and i was merely delaying the formality. The main point from me for her decision to 'reconsider' was that I would prove to her that I would not be a negative distraction to her. Instead, I would become a positive distraction and try to motivate her to conc on her work and her bf. In a way, it was like saying I would be someone who will toe my line and try to make her life happier from a distance.
Eventually, she told me she really did not want to sink deeper and would stick by her decision. I still tried for a few days more but to no avail. I was disappointed and upset.
About S's bf, J
All this while, she told me alot about her bf of 2 years, J. J was someone who gets suspicious easily, and he would keep calling S and ask her where she is, what she is doing, when is she going back, why, how, etc. S said she found it annoying. S also said that when J proposed to her overseas last year, she really did not want to agree because she didnt feel prepared at all. But looking at J, who knelt down and looked so disappointed, she relented. When I heard about all these, I felt I had 2 sides of me: a devil side and an angel side. And I have done both. I told her that it was obvious that she isnt happy and her feelings for him are not strong enough. She also said that J likes her more than she likes him. I told her that supposedly if she finds that i am more suitable one day, will she give up the wedding plans and chase her happiness? She said she cannot afford to lose everything. It would be too much of a risk. And I am attached. I knew I should not bring this up at all. The other side of me, the angelic side, would tell her that she has to think carefully before committing, for this is a decision which will impact the rest of her life. I told her that if she indeed realise that someone else is more suitable one day, and this feeling gets so strong until she believes in it, she should follow her heart and do it. But i made it clear that it must be from her and she must be clear about it. It cannot come from that someone, or from me. And if she manages to stay committed and learn to appreciate the good of her bf and grow old with him, I would give her my blessings too. When I said that, I started to become unsure if I was saying that because I want her to be happy and not make the wrong decision, or because I want her.
but looking at her, i knew she is in a huge dilemma. she isnt happy at all. I received 2 missed calls from her at 2.30am one night but i was asleep. I called her the next morning, and she told me that she had actually wanted to tell me the previous night that she wanted to cancel the wedding. but she said she was relieved i did not pick it up. what could i say. i could only listen.
Gradual acceptance?
I tried to persuade S time and again to stay, and each time i tried, i realised she was very determined. I grew to accept it and thought about what it would be after she left. On the working front, the project will be left to me alone. I felt alittle daunted and empty inside. This project was the project which S fought so hard for, and it was still in the beginning stages. I felt upset that S is giving it up. Many a times, when i was taking a break from office and went downstairs for a short puff, i became emotional at the thought of it. I even toyed with the idea of quitting, because i knew things will never be the same again. I wondered if S and me will stop contacting. S did tell me that her leaving would be best for both of us, given that both of us have own partners, and if she leave, things will become temporal suffering. Feelings will fade, or so she said. I told her that what if feelings wont fade? And if it will fade, it will also fade if she stays. If it won't fade, it will not fade no matter where she goes. I could not control myself and said all these, knowing i have a gf who is at overseas.
I did not feel well one day and went on MC. S actually got so worried that she took urgent leave and came my house to look for me. We talk again about the same things, and got close..but did not do anything.
Did wrong.
S and myself didn't have a good recent week. She had difficulties in focusing on work and bf, she is preparing for handover, for a transitioning period, she is preparing for her wedding, she is handling her bf's questioning of where she is going, what she is doing when she was with me, and she is distracted by me. I had tried and tried to make her stay, i had tried to comfort her, make her happier, make her stay focused and giving her my wishes. But deep down, i knew i am not happy. I also had to grapple with the prospect of not having her around as a working partner in office. I was contemplating leaving, too.
S was supposed to go on a short trip over the fri/sat weekend with a few colleagues. On the friday, i asked if I can spend time together with her on sat night, at her home or somewhere else. I just wanted to spend time with her. S said that it wasn't appropriate for me to go to her home..and I knew I should not ask her that. In the end, S told her colleagues that she had smth on and would not be going to the trip and called me instead. She asked if we could spend time together on fri after work instead. she actually put her trip off. i wrapped up my work, and went downstairs where she was waiting for me. I asked her, so how should we spend the night? she told me she would bring me somewhere. she had booked a room. For the first time and night, we didnt talk much about her staying/leaving. i began to tell her that she has become more of a regular feature in my mind. we mostly talked about her needing to commit and stick to her wedding. she hugged me and kissed me. she was in a struggle. and i reciprocated. and we spent the night together. In a room.
matters of the heart
S told me she wanted for us to be friends because if we let our feelings rule further it would cause us both lots of trouble. She said that her bf is already suspecting something, and they have been quarreling over all kinds of things. They were supposed to go choose gowns in the bridal studio, but they had a quarrel and called the appt off. S called me, wanted to meet me, but in no time told me again that she would again meet her bf to go to the bridal studio again. It was, to me, like an action to prove that she wants to fulfil the wedding promise. I replied her that i hope their quarrel would subside when they meet, and let me know again if she wants to meet me after that, though it would not be very possible because her bf would definitely question her.
A few things are clear: she is leaving, she wants to stay committed to her wedding, she likes me alot, she wants to be with me but she could not.
Many things are unclear: will this be temporary, do we want this to be temporary, how will this pan out, is she ready to commit to this for the rest of her life, will she be happy. On my part, when i see my gf in 1.5 month's time, how will i feel? what do i exactly want? Even if i know what i want, what can i do? I would want to remain committed to my gf. She is really an awesome girl. But what if my feelings grow stronger by the day? This is not something within my control and i cannot be the one to cause S trouble and risk all she has.
This is what I would like to share with you here. Will appreciate many opinions and what will you do if you are the guy / girl. This matter is too delicate and either way, people will be hurt. Some of my friends believe in karma, some don't, and believe in happiness. What about you?
I accept all replies and flaks.
Thank you for reading.
I believe this short span of interaction must have impacted you quite a fair bit; you gave specific details and had vivid description of your situation. However, it reeks of incongruence - of your emotions and mind. My sense is that your inner state is also a projection of her inner state, both reflecting similar condition of ambivalence, intended uncertainty and illicit passion. These dark energy bounce off one another - one thing leading to another. It is not as 'random' as you have suggested. It is subconsciously and tactically calculated, brewed by strong karmic connection.
Regardless of which angle you are viewing, technically, both of you have betrayed your respective partner. You are cheating on emotional and physical plane dualistically - reinforcing each aspect in a tight model (e.g. the more you are emotionally attached to her, the more you feel that need to be around her vice versa). This is the most arduous form of betrayal to reverse. I won't be dealing with the morality of this issue, but what probably holds true is that the decay in your own relationship will rapidly spread and this effect is gangrenous.
Each conscious attempt to proceed forward with her is an indication and permission for the rot to gnaw at your current relationship inwardly. Your gf might return soon enough, but by then, it might only be carcass left waiting to be discarded.
***
You want to stay committed to your gf, but you do not seem to want to let S go. Sounds like an ideal plan - but in reality, this is the true source of your misery. The misery of infidelity lies with the perpetual feeding of ambivalence to your situation. You cannot make a decision by taking the good of two separate decisions and call it a choice and hoping to discard the negative consequence of your option. How good would life be for me if I could have money and not work for it - so in the same way, how good would life be for you if you could have two girls and keep it that way?
Being dysfunctional would be the likely outcome. This will persist until you come in terms with the fact that you have to deal with each relationship separately.There is no way that you could prevent a hurt from happening at this juncture. Surely, someone in the picture would be devastated; the only difference is how contagious and intense this pain would manifest itself to the parties involved.
Although she claims that she wants to 'do the right thing', the poor foundation of her own relationship would not allow her reasonable chance to 'carry on life as per normal'. In fact, the catalysis has already transformed the landscape of her relationship. It is likely that the long hours of work she has invested and the robust passion she has for you is merely a facade for the long suppressed avoidant-coping stance used to deal with her dysfunctional relationship.
Hence the passion may not necessarily be love, but a form of twisted courage to get out of the relationship she is unhappy with. This is especially true for those that appears to be meek in a power-unbalanced relationship, waiting for the condition to revote.
You presented the condition. Hence the revolution will take place (or has it already begin?)
***
When you measure love as an output and neglect the process, this is where most people end up with a product totally not what they originally thought it would look like. The main driving force of love is but a collection of cosmic lessons waiting to be taught. The process of learning about love is what love will teach in one's lifetime. It's not about the efficient output that we fancy and pray that the soup would somehow taste good if we put all the components together (e.g. Get HDB, propose, wedding dinner, get married, have babies, etc). If she accepts the marriage proposal through placating and avoids raising issues concerning her own love future because she does not know how to communicate her own needs, then she will pay for the consequence (with interest) until the time when she learns to take responsibility of her choice and by working on those two aspects.
The point I am driving is that if she needs the condition of a divorce to 'graduate' from this lesson, then it will eventually happen.
You might be a 'course material' - not necessarily the model answer.
***
This circumstance presents good opportunity to review your relationship. What is happening 'outside' the relationship may have malicious factors, but you have to decide if your current relationship is something that you still want to embrace. If so, this choice actually comes with a commitment to ensure its longevity.
You cannot claim to keep it, but yet still proceed with S.
Similarly, if you have decided that you want to drop your current relationship, then it also comes with a commitment of not 'closing the door, but leaving the windows open'. That will only serve to prolong your suffering.
Being brutally honest with yourself and having deep sense of awareness will help you to decide if what you are doing is but an excuse to keep status quo. Don't get me wrong, surely you can keep status quo since it holds the best of both world. However, this is not sustainable and will collapse into disequilibrium.
Then, you will be paying for the consequence of your choice.
Cheers
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Aunt Agony 110413 (Continued from AA010413)
Originally posted by Wtongzl78:
My wife and that guy have knew each other since secondary school. I met my wife thru him and we soon became a couple. Then i went to NTU to study while she and him went to Melbourne to study for 3 yrs. We remained a couple and i visited her there a few times. We got married 1 yr after i graduated and we have our first child soon. I was 27 while she was 25. We had our 2nd child 3 yrs ago.
For the 1st 4 yrs after graduating, i worked in the same company as him. She also joined us for 1 yr but we all left after that to join different companies.
He attended our wedding and always come to our house. We are good friends although she's closer to him. I have always trusted her.
I can't have lunch and dinner with my wife on weekdays due to my long working hour. I reach home after work around 9pm everyday. By then she was already home. I send the kids to school every morning while she picks them up from my in-laws house after work. Usually he drives her to pick up the kids from my in-laws place.
On weekends, i don't work. So i spend most of my time with her and the kids. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We also go out together. As i no longer like going to pubs, she goes to pubs with him on Saturday nights. I stay home to look after the kids.
Both of them are avid divers, so they always go diving together to diving spots in Malaysia, Philippines. Thailand, Indonesia and Australia. I'm not into diving. They started diving while studying in Australia. Next month they are going diving in Maldives. She said they always sleep on separate beds. I trusted her.
Lately some relatives and friends started to ask me who he is and what his relationship with my wife is. I started me sitting back and thinking...
Before your post, I was thinking what was the catalysis and your last paragraph says it clearly - folks who questioned status quo. In some ways, the intent of your question was almost to seek if such behaviours were a norm. Nope - it is uncommon - given the intensity and depth of your description. However, uncommon does not imply impossibility and certainly does not suggest infidelity.
At the end of the day, whatever arrangement made is an outcome of choices chosen in view of our needs. For example, if she pubs with him on a Saturday night and you choose to stay at home, then if this arrangement works for you in a practical sense - economically speaking, this exchange is efficient. However, emotionally speaking, if it is uneasy for you, then being 'efficient' is not something that you need.
Since his presence existed way before the birth of your relationship, then there must be something good about you (and the relationship) and something 'missing' between them that has never allowed development of a relationship to manifest. An analogy would be: if I have kerosene on the floor, it does not necessarily means a fire will start; without lighting the match, it is merely kerosene on the floor.
A good start would be to get involved with your wife's life or find something common to do together. Somehow, I get the sense that this element is rather subtle in your marriage. You don't have to see it as a mechanism to control/keep an eye on her, but rather, learn to have quality time beyond that of child rearing. Having fun in love marriage is also crucial, especially when the couple is becoming overly enmeshed with the concept of raising children at the expense of their interaction pattern.
Not raising any alarm at the moment - but it's good to do a review of your relationship once in a while so as to embrace growth and find greater fulfillment in it.
Cheers
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
17 Types of Singaporean Couple
Showcasing 17 different types of Singaporean couple. Heh!
When it comes to 'The foodies', I totally ROFLMAO! Seriously wtf!
Monday, April 01, 2013
Aunt Agony 010413
Originally posted by Wtongzl78
My Wife's best friend is a man. He was my ex-colleague and my wife's best friends since secondary school. He's not married. While me and my wife have 2 kids.
As best friends, they see each other and hang out together a lot, like everyday.He sends her to work and sends her home from work everyday as their offices are in the same building. So they also have lunch and dinner together every weekday. They also go out during weekends to pubs and cafes. This has been like this for many years, even before we got married.
She said that they are just best friends and their relationship is platonic and they are not lovers. But many times i have questions and some doubt..
Is it possible for a married woman to have a male best friend like that.
Your statement is a value statement; technically you are asking if it is possible for women to have platonic male friends - adding a 'married' presume that somehow you do not feel 'right' for married woman to have close guy friend/s. Unless you have unearthed some critical information to suspect that they are potentially having an affair, if not, it's likely to be issues relating to self-esteem and/or trust rather than issues of infidelity.
As much as you are thinking if their relationship is 'more than meets the eye', honestly: if they are sharing such close relationship since secondary school days, then why did she choose you instead? (unless you are saying that you knew her earlier).
I am not in the school of 'preventing anticipated infidelity', which usually bring about an overall negative output; learn to work towards developing the relationship in such a way that it has a natural mechanism to ward off infidelity. For example, if her best friend is having lunch and dinner everyday, my question would be then why are you not at least having dinner with her? Perhaps you might have some concrete, practical reason why this cannot be done, but at the end of the day, it is still a choice made - regardless of reasoning.
I do not view it as a warning alarm since this is a routine that has already been established way before you are married to her, so I would see it as manageable risk. However, I would think that it is a good time to reflect on the state of your relationship: if you are not putting conscious effort to spend quality time together (not just as a family, but also to look into having couple time), then this might be something you could think and work something out reasonably.
Cheers
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