Love is just another Nature's Tricks?

Arthur Schopenhauer's view on love has strong biological underpinning. He reasoned that our biological nature is the reason why love exist. It only has one singular purpose: procreation. The will to life is the driving force behind our understanding of what love is. Below is some extract of his words:

"The only true purpose, the real purpose of every communion in love is the procreation, the birth of a child, although people who are in love are unable to conceive the nature's treacherous way, casting over the actual act a shining veil ".

"The pleasure, the voluptuousness of mutual sexual possession, is nothing but a trap. Nature is filling the gaps with new individuals. Examine two beings who are seeking to satisfy this imperative instinct called love. One could see in their eyes, filled with lust, a new being taking shape; in their sexual joining, after which they crave, is the union of two beings into one."

Schopenhauer concludes: "Love is only the species' will for survival, the need to propagate de species and it's detrimental to illusions and passing joys the human feels ".

Therefore, according to Schopenhauer, the reason why you fall in love with the person you are in love with and not someone else is because of the fact that he/she possess physical attributes that would complement you to produce the perfect-balanced child. Hence, a short woman would date a tall man so that their child would have an 'ideal' height.

Typical style of Schopenhauer's belief: pessimistic and gloomy.

***

If we are all prisoners of our nature, then it would be impossible to find married couple making the choice not to have children albeit they are biologically-healthy enough to procreate. Nature is but one partial factor in love; to believe that it is the main force is inaccurate. But he is right only in the sense that love cast a shining veil to mask a true intention.

So what is the true intention of love? What is it masking?

Yunhaier defines the true intention of love as fulfillment of cosmic lessons, driven by what I termed as effect from relationship that are primarily karmic by nature. Therefore, to understand relationship, we first need to understand what is "Karmic" and how it is imbedded by nature and skillfully disguised as love.

Once, an homeless woman confided with me about her previous marriage and how much abuse she has sustained all these years. Eventually, she made the choice to leave him only to meet another man, who end up abusing her. My training in social work would have easily understood it as a cycle of violence and she is more likely to end up with another mate who would repeat this cycle. Interestingly, especially in the case of family violence, victims are often drawn to mates who originally appears to provide protection and safety due to a variety of reasons, but end up transforming into an abuser themselves.

There are a few reasons why people stayed in abusive relationship. Sometimes, it is for practical reason (e.g. financial, accommodation, etc), while others might be for emotional reasons - even if it is ineffective (e.g. he abuse me but he is a nice guy, he is the only person that cared as my family abandoned me, etc). Regardless of reasons, what's certain is the effect and the choice to remain in the relationship promised much misery and challenges until real intervention sets in.

And if "Karmic" is about the manifestation in varying degree of elements and conditions of misery, sadness, hurt, disappointment, anger, bitterness or resentment in the course of the relationship, virtually no relationship is absolutely spared from the above experience. Even the best of relationship, leading to marriage with zero experience of arguments whatsoever, would experience some level of sadness upon the passing of their spouse.

Therefore, all relationship are karmic by nature.

Grace asked me "then does it mean that we need to avoid relationship?" Of course not; in fact, relationship can be one of the most meaningful/beautiful things in life.

You see, if all relationship are karmic by nature, then if one could find the partner that has less karmic manifestation, these people tends to have happier relationship. Much of it is also due to the individual's ability to evolve when they are leading the relationship (I won't go into details here though). Then you might ask again, how do we know which is 'more' or 'less' karmic in nature?

Ah! This is where the logic stops. Because we generally do not know what our cosmic lesson in love is and what it wants us to learn in this lifetime.

For example: if the perpetrator is abusive due to a root cause say 'possessiveness' - until the possessiveness is adequately resolved, the danger of abusing is likely to return. Surely, the perpetrator would not realize that he is possessive until he ends up with relationships that work simultaneously to spark this off. However, what is driving behind the formation of this relationship and the initial unconscious choice to be with their chosen partner is the teleological result or final cause of him needing to overcome the lessons of 'possessiveness' that life presents. He would then be attracted to a partner that would provide the condition and opportunity to learn this particular lesson in love - which I called it cosmic lesson.

Love is not a will of life; it is a struggle to understand our cosmic lessons in love and how to overcome them to achieve a greater self.

 "It is absurd to suppose that ends are not present [in nature] because we do not see an agent deliberating." - Aristotle

Aunt Agony 271112

Originally posted by crazyheart:

Hello there everyone!

I would appreciate if you guys can hear me out and give me serious advice.

I met up with this girl through a mutual friend. She was looking for a job in my industry so my friend introduced her to me. We met up for the second time with only two of us about a week later when she said she needed some advice and it felt pretty comfortable as if we had known each other for quite some time already. Then ever since she would text or whatsapp me for the same reason that she needs advice but often stroke conversations further to things other than her job seeking issue. She is a very witty and smart girl, she came across as a little shy too but she showed quite an obvious interest in me and gave me a lot of attention but in a really charming way that turned me on big time and I was never tired of chatting with her. She got a decent job two months later and asked me out for a drink to say thanks but I had to turn her down because I was busy running an important project. I promised her to make up for it when I am more free but it never happened. Though I realzied I started to have some feelings for her and wanted to know more about her, I was not ready for a relationship back then so I never asked her out but leaving all the work to her and just see how it goes.

About a month ago, when we were chatting via whatsapp, she asked me all of a sudden if I ever think of her as a friend. I said yes but to my surprise, she said she doesn't. I was stunned but I knew what was going to come. As predicted, she told me she was afraid she has fallen for me and she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She said she just felt much better by letting me know so I don't need to think too much about it cause she knows I only consider her as a friend. Actually I was deeply touched by her confession and I do like her a lot but I had many questions running in my head. I was like, what does this wonderful girl like about me? Can I completely trust someone else after my ex girlfriend left me for another guy? Am I ready to give this a try? And so any other stupid questions...I ended up screwing things up by telling her about my ex girlfriend and that I find it hard to trust anyone again, that even though it's been two years but I couldn't let go of my ex girlfriend yet because we used to have a great relationship. I made a big mistake I know but it's like I wasn't myself in front of her, I just couldn't control myself when I told her all that. Though she told me it's fine because she didn't expect anything anyway and that let's just leave it behind and get back to normal but I know I hurt her feelings utterly.

She stopped contacting me ever since. It's been a month and I really miss her. I realized I no longer have flashback of my ex girlfriend. The only girl I think about now is her. She is the girl I think about every morning when I wake up and every night before I sleep. She is so special. She is so different from the other girls around me. She made me think she likes me for who I am. I really adore her sincere way of showing her affection for me. But I didn't realize how much I like her until now. I miss her texts, miss chatting with her, I was happier with her. I really miss her.

Now I wanted to ask her out but don't know how to start. I'm afraid she has already moved on and I have no chance. I am also the type who has hard time expressing my own feelings so this has been killing me. I really don't know what to do now to reconnect with her, ask her out, let her know how I trully feel about her.

I really need serious advice. I'd highly appreciate.

Cheers


Personally, I don't think you dealt serious damage, though you probably made her go through one round of emotional rollercoaster, especially since she plucked the courage to confess but the response from you wasn't encouraging. You could start small again: with great chats and gradually proceed with initiated dates from you. However, to ease the awkwardness, you might want to surface your intention that you want to know her better as a friend willingly and see if that picks up.

But caution my friend as rejection isn't an easy feeling to deal with. She might hesitate to proceed forward despite your favorable cue because she also has been wounded by you in varying degree. So you would need to move more to cover terrain that has been decimated by you, in addition to the areas you need to reach before a relationship could manifest. Hence, if you have decide to pursue this option, you would naturally need to be more rejection resistant and yet be mindful of proceeding in a comfortable pace.

Momentum and effort is key; hence, I would like to address something more critical here - the self.

If you allow the shadow of your past to be a burden of your future, then you will always be an unhappy person until you recognise that fact that the death of your previous relationship has reasons, though not fully understood by you now, but would need significant time to pass through insofar for you to connect the dots backwards and conceptualize the grand picture.

Being incongruent (of mind and heart - signs of Venus and Mercury affliction) is an effect of this unwillingness to forgive yourself on the point that you probably did what you could do, but the outcome is such that this relationship has to perish in this manner.

Many times in love, we would need to recongise that it is ok, even if it is a failure outcome because our experience would make us a better person/partners/lovers - if we choose to transform our failure into something constructive. Hence, be congruent in dealing with yourself and you could achieve this by embracing your negative experiences and be authentic to your personal feelings. After all, we are solely responsible for your own feelings and behaviours.

P.S: As you are heavily tormented by the ghost of your past, simultaneously on the other side of reality, your ex-gf is probably making merry with her new relationship. She would not be contemplating on her guilt that she has done what she did at this very moment. Therefore, your inability to forgive your failure does not - for a matter of fact - affects anything that concerns her but will affect everything that concerns you. 

To keep resentment has its cost and you are paying for it.

Cheers

Systemic Understanding of Relationship

For today's sharing, I will quote my grand master's words (William Glasser) in his book "Choice Theory - a New Psychology of Personal Freedom"

"We struggle together to survive. It is easier, more efficient and usually feels better than if we struggle by ourselves. Of course, we need others to satisfy our need for love and belonging. We discover that it feel good to use some of our power to help others and that we may gain more power in the process. When we seek freedom, we do so with the hope that someone will always welcome us back when we want to come back. We prefer learning and having fun with others. This is the ideal way to satisfy our basic needs - trying to get close and stay close to each other.

People who have no close relationships are almost always lonely and feel bad. They have no confidence that they will feel good tomorrow because tomorrow will be as lonely as today. Unlike happy people, they concentrate on short-term pleasure. The alcoholic lives for the immediate feelings provided by the alcohol; that he may wrap his car around a tree does not cross his mind. When pleasure is concerned, unhappy people may be totally irrational when they are seeking instant gratification. 

Although the actual feelings that accompany pleasure without relationships may be similar to how we feel when we are enjoying relationships, the activities that lead to these similar feelings are different. Beware of getting involved with people who seem to be able to feel good but have no close friends. They may be witty and fun to be around, but their humor is all put-down and hostility. If you marry such a person, you will soon be the recipient of that hostile humor and may regret it for the rest of your marriage. Look for someone who has good friends whom he or she treats well and whom you enjoy being with, too. Someone who does not have good friends does not know how to love."

One does not live in a world of their own - images filled solely with our partners. Our lives consist of other equally important aspects; fairing inadequately in one area of our life will somehow bring about negative effect on others parts - even if there isn't any form of direct connection between these two entities. 

This is systemic understanding of relationship: one that is balance, fulfilling and enriching. 

Cheers

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My Dying Client II

There... my client finally passed away... in a way he has envisioned according to his will and expectation. A naggy intuition told me that he won't survive till his bday and I have to visit him this week. I was glad that I did - and that I had fought against my onslaught of heavy work volume and personal obligation to pay him a quiet visit on my own freewill on Thursday. There I shook his hands for the final time. We exchanged smiles. I told him I have done everything I could possible do within the scope of my profession. Now is the time that he has to figure and make meaning of his final moment. He thanked me.

If I have given myself an excuse to say that I would pay him a visit next week - I would have missed the boat permanently. It is a conscious choice to decide if he is just another case number or another human being anxious about the prospect of death, in which he has never experience before. He is accepting of his circumstances, but that does not mean that he knows what lies ahead. In varying degrees, we are all curious about the final end, but when the time draws near, it is as scary as entering preschool for the first time.

Nobody has died and came back to reveal about what lies ahead. The secrecy surrounding death would make ISD looks like some children organization for no Mas Selamat has ever escape death, with records unbroken since the birth of life.

I am sure we will meet again, in another dimension or incarnation. Who knows? Perhaps... when I know I am dying myself and I have this young man/girl hanging around me for support, it could be him playing the role I have played for him.

My Dying Client

I have a client, who suffers from a terminal illness. Back then around May 2012, he is someone who come across to me as carefree and independent.

As I entered into the ICU ward: there he lies - bedridden and shrouded with strings of tubes and cords around his customized bed, plugged into cold machine and alien equipment. The freedom he used to enjoy is now a recent past. He is alone in his ward, for his condition is too precarious to be living with someone else. Truthfully, he is depended on advanced technology to supply him with oxygen and nutrients for survival.

In other words, he is effectively dying. His days are truly numbered. Concrete and in his face. Not merely an abstract thought.

His voice was feeble and I can barely make any coherent meaning out of his statement. His breathless state constantly robbed him of the opportunity to speak clearly as it has began to take toil on his lung by mere speech. The output of air is way too much for him through talking and his energy deteriorated hastily as his eyes wavered between closing (for some rest) and battling to stay open as he was conscious about the fact that there was a visitor.

Illness has not stole away his common sense of courtesy - though I wouldn't have take it personally even if he had rested for a long moment without speaking to me.

I just wanted my presence around.

I have done and achieved all our mutual set goals as a social worker. He was appreciative of that and make sure that I know it well by thanking me. Many times in fact. I shared that I am here because I want to be there for him: the geniune humane support because he is not just another 'case number' in my system. There he is - a dying man - who is anxious about the prospect of death and wondered where the route ahead lies. I do not profess that I know exactly how he feels, but that does not hinder me in any ways on how I could be there for him professionally.

I know his story. The goldmine of narrative that hid great stash of his personal values, perspective, regrets and glorious moments.  

I stood there for a brief moment. I lower myself near to him as he could not hear him very well. Regardless of content, I just nodded and smiled.

Before I left, he reminded me to wash my hands as it was for my own safety.

My clients. The thoughtful guy.

As I left the hospital, an old quote from Erich Fromm came into my mind: "Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve and from which he cannot escape" (Man for Himself).