Aunt Agony 051209

Originally posted by Beneix:

Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go out. But within the first three months we got together, he started putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least ten kilograms over the past one year.

I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who nitpicks at his minor flaws.

Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to a stop due to his hectic work hours.

When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think he failed his IPPT too.

Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is shelved.

He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys. When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go along.

But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too! Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in 2010.

I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it go?

Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he is?

PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think he is just too lazy to keep fit.




Before I begin, I suggest that he do a medical checkup to ensure that he is minimally healthy. If his health is deteriorating, it might be a sign of other health problems.

***

One weakness in the process of dating is almost like being subjected to some carefully crafted marketing campaign urging you to purchase the product/s. The fact of the matter is that it often conceals the flaws of the product you are being marketed to and it remains hidden until you have bought the goods and review them personally.

Some guys often employ the modus operandi to upsell themselves - the promise of a brand that they think it would assist them to achieve a better positioning, but this upkeep cannot sustain itself simply because 'they are not like that.' If you reckon that trying to be someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having to 'overvalue' your position will inevitable force him to bite off more than he could chew. It will reveal in the relationship as you lead your love, in which I believe you are currently experiencing it now.

However, when we evaluate a relationship, we should always look at it from a holistic point of view. But we can only achieving this in a meaningful way only if we are brutally honest with ourselves. I do not believe that if one sees value in certain physical aspects of a person and that immediately makes him/her shallow. Because values are highly relative to our developmental pathway in life and because they are subjective, the morality of what makes a 'good' or 'bad' value in love will never come to an univocal agreement or definition that is universal.

The only note about values is that it is the association which our values are projected to manifest. For example, if you deemed that being fat is a negative trait, it is because you associate this trait with a group of related negative attributes (lazy/sloppy = lack drive = lack of ambition and self improvement, etc. Note that I am purely giving a random example and I am not explicitly stating that being fat absolutely have all of these traits).

Therefore what you are being turned off is more than just he 'being fat' but rather, by default, you might not be attracted to mates with such associated attributes. Therefore, I am establishing the point that one cannot be deemed as superficial just because our values are different.

I would like you to consider two thoughts:

i) If you have the intention to 'see the greater picture' and decide to compromise on your personal values of what you reckon as a suitable mate in view of a harmonious relationship, then do not seek to heighten any mote of displeasure to fuel any unhappiness, should you encounter any crisis/arguments during the course of your relationship in the future.

One positive point to note is that your significant other probably has other strengths that you are attracted to and these help to compensate certain flaws (or at least knowing that people are not perfect, it's a trade off). Remember, we should always review the relationship holistically and not adopt the concept of reductionism.

ii) If you can't, then I suggest you sit down and have real communication - both mutually realistic and achievable expectation of what both of you seek and look for in the relationship. The worst is when you reckon that 'all is well' when in fact it isn't. I do not believe in escapism because the worst of relationships often have such way of management (Especially Neptune-afflicted relationship).

Since it has already been a year - if you see that you are steering towards a potential storm, you have to decide if you want to redirect your course to safer grounds or heed blindly to an unknown squall that could damage your relationship irrevocably.

Cheers