Aunt Agony 061209 (Continued from AA051209)

Originally posted by Beneix

He has been going for medical check up. Full body check up after a bike accident recently and other digestive discomfort previously, in fact he has gone for so many check ups compared to me and my peers I get blur. Sometimes I will google or read up more and give him some advice on what to do to show I care but it feels quite silly since he is quite familiar with his own body. I think his health is deteriorating too but he reassures me that he has always been a bit weak and is used to this process.

Don't quite get the part I highlighted in blue? Don't think he is being someone he is not since obviously he is not the vain kind. Did I misread?

Am scared of going over the edge of showing him I am upset over his appearance and hygiene, that is why lately I refrain from commenting about anything. Only do it once in a while now. Maybe twice a month or something in a joking manner.

Is there a way I can approach this tactfully if I were to sit down and talk to him again nicely from one adult to another? Will I seem very demanding as a girlfriend?

I will not break up with him over this, it is not a deal breaker for me. Sometimes I dunno what to say. Take for instance two months ago I discovered two warts growing on his hand. So I told him best to have it removed. He visited a clinic and the doctor sent him off with some crap solution that did not solve the problem. He "report" back to me and the next week he visited another doctor who told him the same thing, that it will fall off on it's own.

The thing is, it won't even be there if he is hygienic in the first place. At the same time he really made the effort to "please" me in that manner so much so he needs some credit for effort. But that puts me in a difficult position because why would I want to hold his hand if there are warts growing on it!

Anyway the wart issue has been resolved but you get the drift. It is quite frustrating.



What I meant in my highlighted statement (If you reckon that trying to be someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having to 'overvalue' your position will inevitable force him to bite off more than he could chew):

Our personality will regress back to equilibrium every time we go on default mode. By default we are 'like this'. However the only time we would evolve temporary is when there is a reason (social or not) to governs/shape our behaviour in certain unspoken direction. For example, you don't pee in public simply just because you need to relieve yourself. You will hold it, even if it means feeling uncomfortable.

If he is someone who does not bothers very much about his health OR personal hygiene by default, but took special attempt to look into the area during the chase - there is a high chance that he will just regress back to this 'default' after the relationship is form unless he has somehow learn to incorporate that into his core values.

I quote what you had typed:

[quote] now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. [/quote]

People only change and evolve if there is a relevant catalysis to ignite the first step and a robust structure in place to maintain this change. If there is no catalysis, there will be no change. Even there is a change, without a structure to maintain this change, it will regress back into 'default mode'.

If this is something that is affecting you, it is not something that you can resolve it by yourself. Relationship is called relationship because all problems are worked out between two parties - doing it alone is called compromising. If you decide that you wanna be 'nice' now, knowing that this will be an issue to you in the future - you are just sacrificing short term gains for long term growth.

You need to talk about it - tell him honestly that this is affecting you. Don't hint to your man; a strong, obvious, blatant, zhun hint is still a hint. If you are hinting, then don't expect real reply. Also, joking is not communication. If you joke about it, then your conversation will always be cast off as a joke.

Learn to talk. Learn to speak. Learn to communicate REAL feelings. Fix a date, tell him that you want to review this relationship after one year. Tell him to that you want to know his ideas and feelings about the relationship, as well as yours. Let him know that there is a potential issue from the way you see it. Put items on the table - make it conscious, not unconscious.

P.S: Some people feel it's difficult to do a HTH talk because we might hurt our other half. But I can tell you is possible to talk real feelings tactfully. I can't guarantee that things will be better after talking, but I can assure you that it will fail if you stop communicating.

Cheers