Regrets (again) III: The Fear of Regret

The fear of regret on the other hand strikes with a vorpal blade of paralysis, inflicting great terror of immobility to decision making. The struggle of our current plight becomes less terrifying than the prospect of an unknown decision leading to an adventuring route you have never traveled before.  

That is therefore the fear of regrets; lassitude and ambivalent.

Just spring cleaned my room; it's always a cringing experience whenever I unearthed old stuff and read things I wrote more than a decade ago. I always cringed at my earlier poorly expressed juvenile writing and at this juncture, I am unable to comprehend my teenage state of mind/emotions when I wrote those nonsense.

Honestly, I cannot readily figure out how all that gathered and developed into my current state of thinking. Tried to recall back the pathway and it is an impossible task because of the sheer amount of refining done to my mind, which resulted in irrevocable changes.

I was writing emo-stuff. Loads of it. And regret of fear does pop out time to time. It is only until I have decided to make a choice to leave things behind... does things really get left behind.

The fear of regret then thus become an illusion.

I don't think it is reasonable to accept that things remain static or unchangeable permanently. At every given moment, we are confronted with choices that will shape our destiny. The fear in making choices - though might appear that we have deep seated fear of regrets - is really about our fear of assuming responsibility for the choice we make. In love, very often, we want others to make the decision instead (e.g. if he/she doesn't love me anymore, he/she should let me go).

However, that's quite a flawed thinking; nobody but ourselves is holding us back. If he/she doesn't love you, you can decide what you want to do with this information.

Non-action itself is thus a choice.  

Aunt Agony 120114 (Continued from AA 271213)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I know what you mean by self acceptance and confidence. The thing is, I have asked a lot of women of interest out, only to be stalled or given excuses that they are not free. I not sure when to stop but usually when they strike out three times (three times they tell me that they are not free to come out),  I just don't pursue anymore.

This time with this girl B, I am just wondering if I should try or not. Its just not based on my experience with girl A, but also previous other experiences in which I have stated that I find it hard to ask a girl out. I don't know why, I just have the aura of getting rejected.

People tell me, if I don't try I won't know but its like this, if you ask 10 different girls out, only 2 out of 10 accept your invitation, you feel a bit demoralised.

Well today is Jan 5, but I have yet to ask girl B out for fear that I may show my desperation. She did let me to try in 2014. My heart is tingling to try though, I am hanging around at home doing house chores, kind of boring, feel like asking her out but yet I fear that it is too soon.

Next week I shall ask her out. I am prepared to receive rejection. Just cross my fingers.



I think it is personally helpful that you have a sense of awareness that you are facing some challenges in having woman accepting your dates successfully. However, unless you have decided to embrace monkhood for good as a serious alternative, to keep trying is the other option left. The wisdom in trying lies in understanding 'what' that had led us to failure in securing consistent dates and to improve our probability, rather than to dwell on our failures to demoralize our future attempts.

Dates are not isolated from the reality of interest building prior before the actual date; hence, if the development of the friendship does not develop into some level of positive interest leading to a date, then rejection is just but a convenient excuse to avoid dealing with potentially uncomfortable situation easily.

A woman might have a 'single' profiling, but that does not mean that she will risk everything to date any potential guys just because her biological clock is ticking. The interest must outweigh the risk for the first date to begin and the first date must be great for the second one to appear.

Your 'try' has to be holistic; it has to encompass the entire process of knowing her, even electronically (whatapps, etc). Choosing a random day for date that has little process prior is akin to gambling purely on tangible quality (e.g. the brand of your car that you are driving or your physical attractiveness, etc) to assess if you fit into a category of her 'not minding' to go on a date to 'look see look see'. And if the first date is uncomfortable for her, then 'I am not free' excuse will manifest again.

You cannot control a woman to accept your dates; the only person you can control is yourself. Hence, all you could do is to do whatever you can to build good interest, so as to facilitate her consideration to accept. It is also within your powers to decide how you want her to experience a date with you; from conversation to the dining process.

Cheers  

Regrets (again)

Ah! Same old topic again.

Regret in love is one of the most lasting poignant feelings one could ever experience in life. The resolution of regret can be a very trying affair with good possibility of having no desired conclusion that we hope to gain.    

It is often accompanied by a collective legion of sadness and intense remorse - akin to how the wings of plane are always found attached to the fuselage - often disrupting our otherwise humdrum phase of life.

There are two important distinctions when it comes to the form of regrets; one is our fear of regrets and the other being the pain of regrets. Regardless of its form, this emotion arises because of (1) our ability to recall experience and (2) our ability to make comparative judgment.

Hence, making logical comparison between present and future can produce fear of regrets (hypothesizing), while comparison between past and present can induce regrets (reflection).

Precisely because we have recollection powers, we have the condition to make comparative judgments and experience regrets.

Perhaps, if we are all like goldfish with 3-second memory span, then such emotion would be next to impossible.

I will share about each distinction in my upcoming posts. 

Regrets (again) II: Pain of Regrets

Our past, albeit it has everything to do with where we are at now, is but an illusionary aspect of our reality. Our mind thoughtlessly stored memories of our past, creating a husk of an empty coconut whose original function of protecting its content has been made redundant. Picking up the shell no longer holds meaning, other than a cruel reminder of our choice we made in the distant past.  

That is therefore the pain of regret; helpless and wistful.

The Buddha has it right; truth is that all things are impermanent. The bad news is that good decision doesn't remain right all the time, while the good news is that our misery will not continue forever as well.

I will share a short story, which I feel that it captures that essence on the pain of regrets:

***

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

***

Regret, like anger, is a self-inflicted pain. Perhaps, it is not so much about being accepting about circumstances, much more than the realization in learning to let go of things that isn't meant to be.