Aunt Agony 280613

Originally posted by Detached:

Ok the joke’s on me..

We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status.

Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.

She agreed and we became an item.

It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high.

And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally.

It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea..

I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.

Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?


Adopting a stance that you cannot upkeep will only serve to burst into a flame of nothingness somewhere down the line. You started off with the flirting and causal dating, which might gave her the impression that you are easy-going, confident and non-possessive. She probably realized that the price she is going to pay to remain in this relationship isn't worth the value in exchange - getting out is probably an easier option.

Being colleagues certainly complicate the matter a little, especially when you have to work with her. It is hard to draw boundary - between professional and personal - and fighting on (in your definition) might end up a HR issue.

Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones) that partner do not love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them openly.

You might be able to accept things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.  

Perhaps seeing this woman as a catalysis to awake your motivation for self improvements could spur inner change. After all, when we fail to change our environment, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Cheers

There

"There" seeks to elucidate an episode of how/what a person thinks, at the beginning of a relationship, in Singapore.

We often describe this moment as the sweetest. During this period, when the relationship is about to begin, all they wanted was to know more about each other. It is the moment of exploration and aspiration for both the individuals.

This short film allows you to see what unveils in the mind of our character and what appears in his or her thought, just when the moment is about to begin and wanting to be There.

***

A short film done by my hommies; you can check out their FB page (wemerrygoround) @ here

:)

Aunt Agony 170613

Originally posted by Authenticity86:

i had a 2 years plus gf and we just broke up recently. we were that close to getting married and my last attempt to make her stay was to propose to her but i failed. this break up feels like a divorce. we still love each other but we have to get over our r/s. im still in a state of denial that she left and i dont wanna get over her. i need help

Getting married isn't the problem - the relationship is. The relationship does seem pretty fragile if you have to attempt a proposal of that nature, so as to keep the relationship going - almost like an empty shell decorated with shiny gemstones.

A broken relationship does not mean a broken man - even if the relationship has to go, make sure you figure out the meaning behind your lost as an alternative to being in state of denial.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 020613

Originally posted by defiante:

My husband and I got married only after 1 yr of dating. I feel the decision to get married n to have a kid immediately is a wrong start. We r now into 6th yr of marriage n have 2 kids. We actually dont know each other well. 

Lately he is bk to his gaming.  As a result, once bk fr work, he is always on his hp or laptop.  I feel so lonely.  Everyday he plays till 2am n sat he plays till 4am. As a result,  I dont get to talk to him much. In fact I feel sian to talk to him cos he will forget anything we talk about. He gets headache v often. So will sleep n I hav to take care if the kids. I m quite sickly myself. After working so long hrs, I also want to play, watch tv. At most I can only do all these for about 30min. Its ok to b so busy but at least he shd help more. How I wish he can b my support. He cant stand anyone crying. So I always cry in the toilet. Yesterday I cried in front of my kids. 

I m v tired n lonely.  To b fair, he does washing milk bottles daily. N sweep floor once or twice a week. But our place is v dusty n I have sensitive nose so sometimes I cannot wait n will sweep the floor myself. Cupboard also dusty n need to wipe. All of these he dont do n refuse to hire maid n part time helper. 

 I feel v tired n v unhappy. I know there are many women out there who r worse than me. But I want to know am I childish to want him to spend time with me ?  Am I wrong to ask him to sleep when he is playing games till 4am? Is it acceptable for him to scold him cos I ask him to stop playing at 4am? Is it selfish for me to want him to settle housework first like sweep floor before playing? Is it acceptable for him to say that this is a fucked up family?

Am I creatng trouble? That's what he says.

Based on research, on a general level; martial satisfaction tends to dip upon the existence of the couple's first child. It's not rocket science though; with dual income situation and parenthood being an entirely new experience - stress is pretty much the same outcome for most modern Singaporean family. The only difference is that all couples manage this stress differently. Relationships that have superior resilience are often those that spent conscious amount of effort to communicate, negotiate, compromise and empathize during courtship and beyond (some are fortunate to start during marriage and before the relationship totally died on them).  

However, because we have not been parents before this phase, our 'methods' of dealing with parenthood are often 'inherited' from what we experienced from our caregivers during our early childhood. Therefore, if your husband's father has limited involvement in his life when he was a child, unless he is an enlightened soul, the probability of him reiterating this social learning is high. It might be worst if his family background is the traditional makeup of housewife mother and sole income father. Though our society has evolved, but our attitude towards family development might not have caught up.  

Your love and belonging needs are of great importance to you; you badly want to connect with your husband emotionally so as to justify the reasons for all task related child-rearing roles you have submerged yourself in. Having quality time is simply one way you could feel connected. Hence, I do not see it as 'creating trouble' much more than you having an unsatisfying relationship. 

He does seem to exhibit signs of avoidance; he may sense that you are overwhelmed, but may not know the impact of this stress on you. Playing games appears to be a coping mechanism for him and since you don't share the same mechanism as him; crying is your coping stance.

I am not sure; how negotiable is he as a husband? Surely, some structural agreements are required before things escalate out of control.

I) Individual Needs

How can he balance the need for gaming verses the need for household responsibility? Also, how can you balance your need for your husband's affection and your children's need? Surely, he could go play his game if he has swept the floor (if that was your prior agreement) or you could spent one weekend getaway once every two passing months. Whatever the mutual agreement, it HAS to be (i) sustainable - something you can possibly do in long term, (ii) realistic - something that can be done realistically, (iii) accepted - something that must be accepted mutually and agreed.

II) Conflict Management

Suppression of feelings does not solve problems, but only seek to avoid issues. If he is uncomfortable with tears, then since it is not something that you can do it alone, he would need to know what requires him on his part to help you with. Surely, he cannot control your choice to cry (no matter how unconscious it may be), but certainty you know what would help you to feel supported and this needs has to be communicated.  

P.S: Seemed to me that he appears to hold stronger power in this relationship. If you need support, you would have to start negotiating and communicating - if it does not come naturally, then learn to take control of your relationship.