Aunt Agony 130812

Originally posted by Enzol:

Hi people, im relatively new to this forum. However im seeking some answers and advice from my current situation here. First of all, i would like to thank you for your time listening to me. Here goes:

Due to frequent quarrels caused by our personality differences, I broke up with my gf of 3 years almost a year back in 2011. Things were going on okay for me, moving on and all.

Until afew months later, my ex (lets call her Jane) contacted me back, wanting to meet up for dinner. I was thinking she had moved on as well and just wana be friends. I was always open to the idea of old flames being friends and all and a few of my good friends are actually my ex-gfs.

I met jane up, and she was okay, still the same old girl i used to date. we had dinner and all was pleasant, but unexpectedly we ended up having sex at my place in the wee hour of the night. And this was not all, she actually revealed to me that she is already attached with another guy.. (seems like she moved on quicker than i do.)

I was kinda shocked and all, and this doesnt look good on us. I was kinda ashamed of myself, and told myself that i will not do it again. But it was all a lie, i could not resist the temptations of sexual pleasure with Jane, afterall im single and i have my needs.

We began to meet up more often for dinner and usually these dinner dates ended up in sexual trysts in a hotel room. Every week without fail, we will meet up one night to engage in coitus. We began to grow closer to each other, she told me that shes having relationship problems with her current bf, frequent quarrellings, not spending enough time for each other, etc.

I knew that inside her heart, she still loves me, dont even think that she loves her bf. But i am really happy with this current status with her, for i know if we were to be back together again, fights will break out. So getting back together with her is out of the question.

However as time goes on, i begin to feel something weird, i actually felt jealous that she is with her bf. This jealousy began to engulf me and i wanted her to break up with her bf. But on the other hand, i just wanted to maintain this sexual, non commitment relationship with her.

I am very sorry but i admit, i am a really selfish person, i wanted her for myself but yet i doesnt want to commit. I felt that since shes cheating on her bf and their relationships are very rocky, they should just end it. You might brand me a hypocrite for saying this, but afterall, this behind the back sex thing doesnt look good on us and i actually felt guilty, and feel bad for the guy. Although she doesnt. Does this shows that she dont really have feelings for the guy?

I asked her to break up with the guy and dont waste each other’s time since she doesnt really like him. But actually i wanted her for my own (im an asshole really.) I told her that if she break up with her bf, we would have nothing to hide and theres nothing to be guilty and worried for. She felt that its okay being with the guy, since there are no other guys coming by. And she doesnt have a problem cheating on him and theres no difference in the status of our sex-only relationship . She seemed unwilling to break up with the guy.

Things were actually simple and uncomplicated for me – bang her and be satisfied and not giving a fuck about her personal life. But i guess i kinda screwed it up by guilt and jealousy.What should i do? Really need some advice here, FYI, jane is a very emotionally dependent girl, not very much willing to give up/let go of a relationship and needs someone by her side. But i feel that this should not go on. This is wrong. I feel bad for the guy and most importantly i want her to be mine. Please help me.

Very much appreciated and grateful,
Enzo


Your current arrangement creates much ambivalence; while it seemed all nice to have that physical relationship without the commitment aspect, the reflection in your post does seemed to have a shift in perspective: though as much as the physical need is being satisfied, emotionally, there is stark emptiness. We must always remember that our needs are complex and it goes beyond just instinctive urge because we will start questioning the meaning behind our behaviour, which is probably why you are so tormented about this whole thing.

Your ex-gf is likely to lead a dissatisfying relationship - there is something critical that she is not getting from her current beau, which may not be necessary sex. While you have concluded that the physical needs are mutual, your writing does seem to suggest that she probably wants to leverage more out of just pure sex: what I am trying to say is that she appears in wanting to be emotionally connected to you.

While it is strange to say that because it started out as a physical thing, however if you examine closely, the form of this loosely structured relationship has evolved into some sort of 'support session' each time you spent the night together. This probably threw the both of you off the original 'fark buddy course' because if physical needs is primary, then the emotional feedback shouldn't have happen. The continuous need for the meet up has transformed this situation into more than simple sex sessions, it has actually cause both of you to reflect upon the reality of this sub-rosa relationship, both past and present state. 

Somehow your emotions betrayed your subconscious thoughts, it is likely that the quarrels you used to experience in the past does not exist in this current arrangement. Obviously - since there is no longer any reasonable position for the condition of a quarrel to happen. This is probably an important reflection cue to somehow think and actually consider the possibility that if you could maintain a non-conflicting relationship with her on this arrangement, it is actually suggestive that you might be able to maintain it this way too if both of you are actually together.

However, there are too much fear and ambivalence present to make a committed decision. Though it is easier for you to tell her to 'break up' if she doesn't have any more feelings for him, but that would mean that she would have 'nobody' in her perspective, which may suggest elements of loneliness that associate itself with being single.

On the other hand, although you know that you are going to win her back if she breaks up with her current beau, she does not have this information on hand to be able to make a 'sound decision'. Or perhaps, she is waiting for you to 'reveal' that information, so that she can consider her options.

There is no problem in your arrangement; the only problem is when you want to stretch unrealistically beyond what the structure of this arrangement could provide. Every system of arrangement has its limits on how much return it begets. Waddling along the shoreline will only get you so far; until the both of you throw yourself into the deep sea and actually start swimming, then you can talk about how to cope and manage the 'challenges of swimming' and not just thinking about swimming. 

Cheers