Time Factor

We probably heard variation of this before; how much time do you need to figure out what you want in your relationship?

Time is neutral in that sense; it does not provide anything other than some reasonable buffer before putting forth commitment on our choice. In every sense of the word, time only serve to delay the process of making a choice, which entails all responsibility of having a choice made internally and expressed externally.  Decision is indeed a scary process because one of the greatest emotional fear known to mankind is the fear of regret.

Nobody wants to regret anything in life simply because we cannot go back to our past and undo them.  

But then again, it is critical (in reality) that we 'cannot change our past' because if we could - life will degenerate into some low quality computer game, in which we can always save and reload later. On the flip side of the coin: let us not forget that some of the greatest things that could ever happen to us in life often require us to first accept initial unpleasant changes - hence it may not always lead to a bad thing. 

The point I am driving is that time does not solve problems - choices do. The escalating discomfort from having gradual dissatisfaction in life will accumulate to a point of realization that time is actually a convenient excuse we use to avoid answering certain difficult questions in life.

We ended up making a choice not to make a choice. 

Aunt Agony 190612

Originally posted by Pangsehkia:

I used to have a girlfriend who was with me for 4 years. we got a couple of breakups but in the end we always patched up. It always ended up as either her or me contacting the other first. Recently about 4 months ago we broke up this time both of us seems to be determined about letting this relationship ends. I faced a pretty long and tiring 2 months of trying to forget her for real. She seem to have moved on as she got herself a new boyfriend and i seems to be able to forget crucial things about her such as her handphone number and have actually put this issue aside after the 2 months but recently i start thinking about her again and was tempted onm any occasions to give her a phone call or message her or something. (i went to check her msn profile to get the number) i know the chinese saying of "好马不吃回头草" but i am in extreme confusion on what to do now. i'm not sure why i start thinking of her again could it because one of my friends just start talking bout her again or my other friend happens to face the same problem of breaaking up with his first love or do i really still love her? Need some advice on whati should do here.




It must been a difficult period for you, especially since this breakup appears to be quite irrevocable in comparison.

Then again - why should the notion of breaking up be something that one could easily reverse the verdict? Kinda makes the word 'breaking up' sounds totally meaningless.

Perhaps as we review our relationship, we find all motes of bitterness, anger and disappointment too much for us to manage. Even if the relationship do return, the burden of these negative feelings does not vanish into thin air; in fact, everything that were swept neatly under the carpet before the relationship was called off - will spring back magically.

Do not be mistaken over the fear of loneliness for the desire of love. Since you shared that she has already moved on with someone else - the prospect of having this relationship with you again will naturally grow to be less attractive. If you choose to stick with your past, then every minute of that choice is an opportunity cost to a better future.

Cheers 

Time matters?

And tonight, Yunhaier shall discuss about a new topic: does the length of time matters in love?

Yes and no - but unfortunately, it is apt towards a secondary consideration given the fact that philosophically speaking, I would see Love closer to the realm of Empiricism than Rationalism, although it is still possible for the latter to be stronger for certain people.

Before I get the 'Dafug-ya-talking about' expression in front of your monitor, I shall explain in simpler terms.

If you are an Empiricist, love is more likely to be subjected/influence by experience than an absolute thinking process. It obviously grinds you more in the realm of emotions, which is subjectively based on the kind of experience you get when you spend time with somebody that is emotionally important to you. Surely, no relationship has ever foster without having some initial positive experience with one another - how the relationship is going to develop matters less in how the arising experience feels deep inside for you. For this, time is more likely to matter less.

If you are a Rationalist, then love is more likely to be objective (or rather, you try to find some universal law and apply them in your relationship). You are more likely to hold stronger views towards relationship in terms of values, perspectives and beliefs, while downplaying the experiential part of the relationship. There are more calculation, less risk and therefore, time is going to matter more because you don't want to waste time if you could possibly make do with this (relationship). 

Most people fall in between and oscillate between the two extreme. Sometimes, it depends on which 'mind' you are using. The emotional mind, which is a sucker for empiricism, or our logical mind, which feeds on rationalism.

Cheers