Originally posted by 0petslave0:
I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband.
Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.
She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.
Here comes the problem. the child.
I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine.
My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him.
Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.
I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.
I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter.
I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times.
Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.
I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.
In a nutshell, there are two distinct issues; (1) of your relationship & (2) of the prospect of child rearing.
(1) Damsel in distress can be a tricky affair, especially the part where it could fuel the man's sense of power and identity by playing the role of the 'Prince'. However, the finest print clauses that are not commonly understood but are unfortunately accompanied by one of these circumstances - is the history leading to these wistful stories.
You could easily be deem as the 'one' that saved her - but like a double edge sword, you could also act as a substitute or serve as a rebound for her to acquire some degree of comfort and other safety needs. How much romantic love is involved is probably as elusive as quantum physics; the fact is that you will never know how much of those are love and/or calculated needs.
Therefore, this mental fissure naturally arises, which brings about (2) - you subconsciously expect the relationship to be between two, but in reality, it is among three. Surely, the grandiose image of love having to save your woman from a terrible marriage does seem to project the all-familiar plot of having forces of good to battle the great evil; if we were to concretize this picture, the daft reality would simply be co-dependence and mutual fulfillment of needs (e.g. financial, social, sexual and emotional).
Put it this way: nobody enters into a relationship devoid of needs; on the contrary, you are in a relationship because you have certain needs to be fulfilled and that you are getting something out of it. The dissonance only start to deepen if you are not getting what you expected to receive in values.
You seem to relate the seemingly lack of emotional connection and priority in her life towards you. Surely, it can be rather disheartening to 'sacrifice' so much for the relationship on your end (e.g. running into conflicts with parents, financial aids, childcare roles, etc) - that is probably where you get sore.
P.S: I suggest that you sought counselling services to help the both of you sort out various relational issue. You can PM me if you need contacts - if not, you can simply refer to some of the contacts we have listed in Aunt Agony.
Cheers
