Aunt Agony 180112

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I have a lady friend whom I've known for 7 years. We knew each other while working at the same place back then. We both got along well.

Some 4 years later, I develop feelings for her. After a month of consideration, she told she cant accept me for fear that she will lose me as a friend if our relationship dont work out. I understand that its nearly impossible to be friends after a break up. Though she broke my heart, I never hated her or hold grudges against her for that. I respected her decision. She told me she hoped we could remain friends even after this incident. I'm fine with that but it will take some time for me to get over her since we are working in a same place and see each other almost everyday.

And so the next 18 months have been rather difficult for me as I was struggling to get over her while still remain friends. There are times when I would ignore her at work as I need to withdraw myself from her in order for me to move on. That has always been the most effective method for me if I need to forget about a girl. But since we are still in the same place, it was one hell of a challenge for me. Each time when I stop talking to her or ignore her, even its just for short time, she would get very upset. She would tend to tell other girls in our place about me not talking to her. It seems that I'm somehow important to her even though Im just a friend. Like as if me not communicating with her is a big issue to her.

And so now, we are no longer working in the same place and working in different places. We are still friends, she even told me she consider me her close guy friend. Thats something no other girls had ever said to me. We both shared personal problems and secrets. Some of my friends advised me to treasure this friendship with this girl even though I failed to make her my gf.

I know many people would say that Im one of those guys who will always remain in the "friend" zone with girls. As bad as it sounds, perhaps there is a good thing to it. At least I dont have to deal with her ugly side, which she warned me she tends to act in such a way in a relationship.

So my point here is, though she is attached with a guy, she still wants me in her life. She make it seems that I am one of those people who mattered to her in her life. Im really touched, and I appreciate it. I do love her as a friend. I never had any girls treating me in such a sweet way. Being her close friend is like a "2nd place" thingy. Do I really matter to her much judging by how things have been going on between me & her? She might be sad if I really leave her.

If you don't believe in existence of platonic friendship in a purist way, then you probably never will. It's hard to 'develop' it because you just can't believe in it solely from one dimension unless there are major tweaks in your overall belief and coping system in love. It is not impossible - just that the bar of change is significantly high to pursue. It can be done, just notably arduous to sustain.

The point of you needing to be 'separated' from her presence is ultimately a coping measure - which is rather commonly employed. Perhaps she could do it because she holds a separate belief system, in addition to the fact that she is not romantically linked to you. That makes her easier to decide if she wants to keep the friendship, yet without having to struggle intensively like you.

But you are not her: you have to decide if this choice of yours is delaying your development in love (with other people). If I were to be brutely honest, it is likely that both of you probably acts as a buffer for mutual emotional support to certain extend - just no title to officiate your role.

Of course, if one part of your soul feeds on that tiny ray of hope, thinking that 'for as long as you are in the queue, you might actually end up somewhere', then don't be disappointed if things do not turn out to be the way you desired because you made the choice to stand in that queue when you could have easily walk away.

Cheers

Piece of Lard 02 (18 Jan 12)

The fat calling the lump larder.

Love for better for worst

Recently, I came across one homeless couple; though behind every homeless person lies their tale of unfortunate circumstances, but somehow, this particular case struck me deep.

I was about to process with them on what they 'could' do to effectively get out of this mess. The only problem with my proposal is that it requires them to be separated. However, even after careful reflection and processing, the couple blatantly rejected my offer because they felt that they must be in this together - even if the situation has reached an extreme doldrums.

What could be worst than living a life of fear - without shelter, food and safety? According to Maslow, you can't even fulfill level one and that's basically the shittest circumstances you could land yourself into.

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

Wedding vows; I wonder how many people could really uphold this.

Perhaps for all you know - love might just the illusionary facade to fuel the cold machinary of karmic debts among people.

Aunt Agony 110112

Originally posted by _0h_gosh_:

Hello guys.. First time posting here and I have something to say about this woman I know.

I knew this gal back in 2007, we were both attached with our own bf and gf at that time. However, she and I got together and had a secret relationship for almost 10 months till end of 2007. We ended this secret relationship and didn't contact each other again. Somehow I got to know that she broke up with her bf in early 2008, then she got married to another guy in 2009, and gave birth in 2009 too. I believe it was a shotgun marriage with a guy whom she hung out with a couple of months.

We didn't contact each other since end of 2007. I have deleted her number and couldn't even remember any of her numbers. Then in Sep 2010, I received an unknown sms and asked about me. I replied and asked who this person is. She mentioned her name and I was like WTF?!? What does she want now...

We exchanged a few sms after that and we met up, everything started again. We had sex in the car, after which I made it clear to her that I do not want to have any special relationship with her as she is already married with a child. She was ok... somehow we ended like friends with benefits, we solely meet up for sex. But somehow we still have some feelings involve, we kinda like each other.... This relationship continue from Sep 2010 till now, we continue see each other for meals sometimes but she has rejected me in sex for a couple of months recently. I asked her to have sex with me but she kept rejecting... after which I told her to break up and stop seeing each other... But she insisted that she still want me as her "boyfriend" and want to continue to see me. I was like WTF does she want? I was thinking: "If you wanna have an affair with me and do not wanna have sex with me, why continue on with this relationship??"

I am meeting her to talk again, so as to conclude everything.... Anyway, why does a woman, who is married with a child, still want another man? And why does she still want a "boyfirend" and yet reject him in sex? She gave me all kind of stupid reasons of not having sex with me. What kind of benefits does she have in this kind of relationship? She told me that she love me more than her husband, and even asked me if I will accept her if she divorce him and leave the kid with him.... I was kinda shocked with her comments.

What do you guys think of this woman? Should I avoid her forever? I have feelings for her, but my gut feeling told me that she and I will never be together, and I should stop seeing her... sometimes I will kinda miss her and lost that will to stop myself from seeing her.... I do not want to break up her family... sometimes I only want to have that secret relationship with her still, it could be the sex and excitment that made me clinge onto her, but I know that it is kinda "bastard" doing that and I should stop it....

You made the deal and she accepted. After all, friends with benefits have pretty clear T&C; just that in your case, she didn't uphold her side of the bargain, which made things a little more complicated.

How your sub rosa relationship first begin has a significant influence over the development of later episodes. Since the clandestine relationship was a secret back then, your probable position in her heart is likely to be someone she could secretly fall back on whenever she felt dissatisfied with her relationship. After all, sex was probably part of the equation on both separate phase in the relationship, hence that seemingly sinful arrangement is nothing special in particular. But what you might not realize is that she is probably getting some degree of emotional dependence on this poorly structured relationship, regardless of how sparingly you thought you have provided.

She does not technically need the physical sex, rather, she craves for emotional connection. This probably explains why she could withdraw sex from the deal, but still want the relationship because after all, you have always been the secret lifeline that she depends on emotionally (although on your end, you see it purely as a physical exchange).

Allow me to give you an analogy: say if you are a salesman and you sell Cartel watches - To you: you probably feel that you are merely selling a watch because you sell this product to many people. But to the customer, they don't only just buy a watch - they just bought prestige, brand, status and everything else intangible that came with the purchase.

Not technically, but implicitly.

Well, she has abandoned the original deal and submitted another 'proposal'. If you cannot accept the new terms, then it's your decision to decide if you want to call it a day or resubmit another 'proposal'.

Cheers