Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.
I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.
I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.
After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).
I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).
But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.
I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.
I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?
he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.
is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.
Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.
Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.
Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.
Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.
It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.
Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.
P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.
Cheers
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Aunt Agony 240810
Originally posted by pokka77:
i am puzzle and vex for i am not sure if i should confess my past relationship to my boyfriend-to-be. (Meaning we could be together anytime
i am worry sick of disclosing my past relationship to him as i am worry he might think otherwise.
I am involve with a married man years ago (got into this shit cause i was pretty young then and didn't know he was married after knowing and talk things out as he wasn't able to get a divorce so we actually broke off but keeping each other as companion all these years (6yrs).
I am not sure if i should tell him. He has been telling me not all man can take the truth but he would prefer his gf to tell him rather then him find out bits by bits.
For me i am pressured, coz in my previous relationship i met with the same issue. and confession till us to quarrel, jealousy and broke off. My Ex BF could handle the stress of my past.
What should i do ? Humhh
The processing of your guilt does not diminish even with the act of confessing to your current beau about your past. The act of forgiveness and embracement of your past starts with yourself and it is not something that somebody can give to you.
What I am hearing is that your decision of keeping each other as a companion is probably akin to lead a non-committed relationship for six years. This unwise decision, although you have probably rationalized that you are free to date whoever you want, in reality, has actually shackle you in some sense. It is indeed a paradox when it appears that you seem to have freedom, but subconsciously, you are still somewhat tied on a deeper spiritual sense (likely a Saturn-influence relationship fueling a karmic relationship), therefore, how you brand this relationship is not exactly important (companion, best friend, FB, etc).
Perhaps you are tired in your arrangement with this married man - merely drifting, with no exact destination to land. Your experience has taught you that revealing your past will likely to bring about adverse consequence to your current relationship with minimal benefits. Hence, I do not see a point for you to go about relating what has happened in the past when you ought to be focusing on building a new future with your new beau.
The reason why you failed in your previous relationship is not so much about you having to share your past with your ex-bf; but rather, it's about your unnecessary inclusion of him into the picture of your not-so-glorious past, where there is nothing you or he could do to alter them. Failing to invest in the present and look forward will inevitably force you to turn your shoulder over and quarrel about an illusionary past that produce illusionary premises for quarrels. And when the false premises are regarded as real, the death of the relationship will also real - even if it could be the most promising relationship ever.
You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want to walk about from your past, you have to sever bonds with that married man (something which you ought to have done six years ago). If you feel that you need a companionship to serve as a backup, then you will always run into the problem of being haunted by issues of the past.
Start afresh comes with determination and wisdom to steer in the right direction. To drive faster in the wrong direction will only make you crash faster... in more fatal manner.
Cheers
i am puzzle and vex for i am not sure if i should confess my past relationship to my boyfriend-to-be. (Meaning we could be together anytime
i am worry sick of disclosing my past relationship to him as i am worry he might think otherwise.
I am involve with a married man years ago (got into this shit cause i was pretty young then and didn't know he was married after knowing and talk things out as he wasn't able to get a divorce so we actually broke off but keeping each other as companion all these years (6yrs).
I am not sure if i should tell him. He has been telling me not all man can take the truth but he would prefer his gf to tell him rather then him find out bits by bits.
For me i am pressured, coz in my previous relationship i met with the same issue. and confession till us to quarrel, jealousy and broke off. My Ex BF could handle the stress of my past.
What should i do ? Humhh
The processing of your guilt does not diminish even with the act of confessing to your current beau about your past. The act of forgiveness and embracement of your past starts with yourself and it is not something that somebody can give to you.
What I am hearing is that your decision of keeping each other as a companion is probably akin to lead a non-committed relationship for six years. This unwise decision, although you have probably rationalized that you are free to date whoever you want, in reality, has actually shackle you in some sense. It is indeed a paradox when it appears that you seem to have freedom, but subconsciously, you are still somewhat tied on a deeper spiritual sense (likely a Saturn-influence relationship fueling a karmic relationship), therefore, how you brand this relationship is not exactly important (companion, best friend, FB, etc).
Perhaps you are tired in your arrangement with this married man - merely drifting, with no exact destination to land. Your experience has taught you that revealing your past will likely to bring about adverse consequence to your current relationship with minimal benefits. Hence, I do not see a point for you to go about relating what has happened in the past when you ought to be focusing on building a new future with your new beau.
The reason why you failed in your previous relationship is not so much about you having to share your past with your ex-bf; but rather, it's about your unnecessary inclusion of him into the picture of your not-so-glorious past, where there is nothing you or he could do to alter them. Failing to invest in the present and look forward will inevitably force you to turn your shoulder over and quarrel about an illusionary past that produce illusionary premises for quarrels. And when the false premises are regarded as real, the death of the relationship will also real - even if it could be the most promising relationship ever.
You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want to walk about from your past, you have to sever bonds with that married man (something which you ought to have done six years ago). If you feel that you need a companionship to serve as a backup, then you will always run into the problem of being haunted by issues of the past.
Start afresh comes with determination and wisdom to steer in the right direction. To drive faster in the wrong direction will only make you crash faster... in more fatal manner.
Cheers
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Aunt Agony 140816
Originally posted by: gigabyte14
guys, i made a terrible mistake...
its like i made a girl really sad, and cried too
its like im afraid of commitments, like i will automatically think far, and its like emotions will get the better of me in future... imagine, imagine i wanna go overseas study, or work, and in the end because of emotional ties i will be like choose everything other than my happiness
summore recently the ppl ard me are like divorce and breakup, it makes me think that everything can be so unpredictable, it freaks me out
religion clashes too, i know it wont affect me now, but in the future it'll definitely affect
shes happy, but im not, im just not the kind of commitment kinda person, and i just... made her cry
its like better to end the smaller picture in order to make the bigger picture work
am i doing the right thing?
Honestly, if you would to relook at what you have typed, your fear of commitment has pervades every single mote of your thoughts and rationalized them into some 'linear causal fashion' as if life indeed runs in some orderly manner. Added with tint of non-related deduction like social observation from people's failing relationship is kinda bull as well.
I find it absurd whenever people say things like 'everyone's relationship around me is failing' and they use it as a factor (no matter how minute) to deter them from engaging in possible meaningful relationship. It's almost like a gambler's fallacy, when you made use of factors that makes no sense to unique situations because every set of game is different - just like every possible combination of relationship in any given time is vastly different.
In US alone, one car-accident-related death is accounted for every passing 13 minutes. If we use the world statistic, it would probably be insane. So does that means that we don't walk the street or drive any cars because a number of people around us are dead because of car accident?
It doesn't matter what decision you make because the point of my post does not address the morality of your decision, which it is absolutely insubstantial to me. What is of a concern is how your conceptualize your reasoning which give rise to your final decision.
From what I am seeing, religious conflict is the only real issue. Well, perhaps you might want to be brutally honest with yourself on what's the real shit that isn't really workable here and avoid dumping unnecessary components in your reasoning to 'beef up' your justification - more quantity does not mean more reasonable.
Are you willing to compromise in the framework of a relationship or you prefer to pursue your individualistic goals? It does not necessarily be an either or, but in your own private scaling, how much are you willing to relent towards the other side of the scale that isn't part of your grand plan? Many times, there are middle grounds that we could tread, not just caught between a rock and a hard place.
Learn to remove 'rightness' and 'wrongness' in any decision. Decisions are neutral. There are only wise and unwise choices. Willing or unwilling choices. If you cannot determine what is wise and unwise, then you decide what you are willing or unwilling to undertake.
Cheers
guys, i made a terrible mistake...
its like i made a girl really sad, and cried too
its like im afraid of commitments, like i will automatically think far, and its like emotions will get the better of me in future... imagine, imagine i wanna go overseas study, or work, and in the end because of emotional ties i will be like choose everything other than my happiness
summore recently the ppl ard me are like divorce and breakup, it makes me think that everything can be so unpredictable, it freaks me out
religion clashes too, i know it wont affect me now, but in the future it'll definitely affect
shes happy, but im not, im just not the kind of commitment kinda person, and i just... made her cry
its like better to end the smaller picture in order to make the bigger picture work
am i doing the right thing?
Honestly, if you would to relook at what you have typed, your fear of commitment has pervades every single mote of your thoughts and rationalized them into some 'linear causal fashion' as if life indeed runs in some orderly manner. Added with tint of non-related deduction like social observation from people's failing relationship is kinda bull as well.
I find it absurd whenever people say things like 'everyone's relationship around me is failing' and they use it as a factor (no matter how minute) to deter them from engaging in possible meaningful relationship. It's almost like a gambler's fallacy, when you made use of factors that makes no sense to unique situations because every set of game is different - just like every possible combination of relationship in any given time is vastly different.
In US alone, one car-accident-related death is accounted for every passing 13 minutes. If we use the world statistic, it would probably be insane. So does that means that we don't walk the street or drive any cars because a number of people around us are dead because of car accident?
It doesn't matter what decision you make because the point of my post does not address the morality of your decision, which it is absolutely insubstantial to me. What is of a concern is how your conceptualize your reasoning which give rise to your final decision.
From what I am seeing, religious conflict is the only real issue. Well, perhaps you might want to be brutally honest with yourself on what's the real shit that isn't really workable here and avoid dumping unnecessary components in your reasoning to 'beef up' your justification - more quantity does not mean more reasonable.
Are you willing to compromise in the framework of a relationship or you prefer to pursue your individualistic goals? It does not necessarily be an either or, but in your own private scaling, how much are you willing to relent towards the other side of the scale that isn't part of your grand plan? Many times, there are middle grounds that we could tread, not just caught between a rock and a hard place.
Learn to remove 'rightness' and 'wrongness' in any decision. Decisions are neutral. There are only wise and unwise choices. Willing or unwilling choices. If you cannot determine what is wise and unwise, then you decide what you are willing or unwilling to undertake.
Cheers
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Aunt Agony 070810
Originally posted by ulquiorra87
I'm facing a dilemma, I'm Travelling ALOT right now, and while all that travelling gives me valueable insight and learning experience, it is also my bane, i am at 23 and i don't have a steady girlfriend cause of this. While i sometimes enjoy the different stuffs i do, i sometimes feel sooo soo lonely on the inside, and i know i cant find a girlfriend yet because i know i will move again and the relationship will surely end. SOmetimes i feel so happy but i have no one i can truly share it with, sometimes i feel demoralized but there is no one i can confide in. I dont like this feeling.. And i'd like to find a singaporean girlfriend but i wont be back in SG for the next many years.. Unless i stop my overseas job after i graduate and slack off in SG to find my soulmate..
So this is a choice between finding my soulmate or advancing in my career quickly.. And frankly i am 50/50 on this. What do you guys think?
It's quite difficult to have your cake and eat it. In reality, relationship do creates certain structures; despite how individualistic we are with regards to our life and perspective, it do somewhat condition us to try 'fit' into this structure. The more individualistically adamant your ideals are, the more challenges it is to squeeze them into the framework of a relationship.
It is not that a relationship is detrimental to our individual ideals, but rather, it is part of a greater understanding to promote the beauty of understanding, compromising and acceptance. Surely, if the structure of the relationship constricts certain things in life, something has to sacrifice a little. Sometimes in life, it's difficult to have the best of both worlds.
Also, soul mate doesn't just appear just because you decide to stay in sg and 'slack'.
You can only decide what is important to you right now at this stage to make reasonably calculated choice/s for yourself - look at the opportunities you own now and decide what you want to do with them. And not plan with things that has not manifest itself just yet.
Then your thoughts should be clearer.
Cheers
I'm facing a dilemma, I'm Travelling ALOT right now, and while all that travelling gives me valueable insight and learning experience, it is also my bane, i am at 23 and i don't have a steady girlfriend cause of this. While i sometimes enjoy the different stuffs i do, i sometimes feel sooo soo lonely on the inside, and i know i cant find a girlfriend yet because i know i will move again and the relationship will surely end. SOmetimes i feel so happy but i have no one i can truly share it with, sometimes i feel demoralized but there is no one i can confide in. I dont like this feeling.. And i'd like to find a singaporean girlfriend but i wont be back in SG for the next many years.. Unless i stop my overseas job after i graduate and slack off in SG to find my soulmate..
So this is a choice between finding my soulmate or advancing in my career quickly.. And frankly i am 50/50 on this. What do you guys think?
It's quite difficult to have your cake and eat it. In reality, relationship do creates certain structures; despite how individualistic we are with regards to our life and perspective, it do somewhat condition us to try 'fit' into this structure. The more individualistically adamant your ideals are, the more challenges it is to squeeze them into the framework of a relationship.
It is not that a relationship is detrimental to our individual ideals, but rather, it is part of a greater understanding to promote the beauty of understanding, compromising and acceptance. Surely, if the structure of the relationship constricts certain things in life, something has to sacrifice a little. Sometimes in life, it's difficult to have the best of both worlds.
Also, soul mate doesn't just appear just because you decide to stay in sg and 'slack'.
You can only decide what is important to you right now at this stage to make reasonably calculated choice/s for yourself - look at the opportunities you own now and decide what you want to do with them. And not plan with things that has not manifest itself just yet.
Then your thoughts should be clearer.
Cheers
Job Satisfaction
Today, I truly experienced what it is like to have job satisfaction.
It is nothing like I had experienced before.
The strong sense of purpose and knowing what you are doing and where does it leads to is insanely important.
Without those components, we are just mondays-dreader waiting for friday-after-6pm.
It is nothing like I had experienced before.
The strong sense of purpose and knowing what you are doing and where does it leads to is insanely important.
Without those components, we are just mondays-dreader waiting for friday-after-6pm.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Final Post
This would be my final post on my relationship with her.
I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.
I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.
I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.
You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.
I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.
I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.
You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.
I hope he treats you well.
I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.
I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.
I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.
You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.
I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.
I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.
You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.
I hope he treats you well.
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