Aunt Agony 280310

Originally posted by jerjoe:

Hi, my first post rant...

I want to start by introducing myself. If you think I'm boasting, you're entitled to since it may come across that way. I'm just so frustrated that I don't know what to think or do anymore.

I come from a pretty well to do family. From young, I've worked very hard, so my parents wanted to send me overseas for university. I was reluctant to be honest but went with it as they insisted. In the middle of ns, I applied and got into one of the best US university for the engineering field I was interested in. Over my 3 years in college, I tried my utmost to find a job there but it was just a complete failure. Ironically, I was at my best in my undergraduate years. I was doing incredibly well academically - With a stunning gpa, I was performing better than all the other Sg scholars. I was also the president/captain of one of the varsity sports clubs and was really fit. I went to church every Sunday and had many friends. Heck, I even had time to go out clubbing and for some reason some guys worshipped how I carried myself around girls (with confidence on hindsight).

Every year I practically threw myself at any US employer but no one bit. One could blame the recession perhaps. I was forced to compromise, interning in Shanghai one year, working for my university professor the next and in Singapore in the last year. The day I graduated was probably the most disappointing day in my life. I found it very shameful to tell others that, unlike all my peers, I was out of college without a plan, without a dream. All that motivational talk and speeches given out on that day could not console what I was really feeling. Lets face it, we graduated at the shittest time in the last 5 decades. People complain about not finding a job for 6 months. I hadn't found one in 4 years.

I decided not to take it personally. I switched majors for my masters, hopefully to broaden my scope. As expected, my grades took a dip and became quite average (I'm only human. Trying to compete with a classroom full of phd candidates with almost zero basic knowledge is like jumping out of a plane with an umbrella). I lost quite a bit of fitness as I sunk a little into depression even though I'm still managing the club. I think I'm losing my mind as well (as in becoming more stupid or mentally insane I don't know). Overall, I lost pretty much every bit of confidence I had in myself. Before I at least had academics to fall back on. Now, I have almost nothing academically, financially, socially, intelluctually. That's not to say I didn't see it coming. The decline started the few months before I graduated and proceeded to endure almost a year later to now. I don't know how to reverse it.

I'm a quarter million dollars in debt to my parents with no clear path of recourse (ie, no job). The job situation here in the US is bad. In Singapore, it seems I'm not wanted either. Too expensive compared to "FT"s. Furthermore, we all know the job "prospects" of being an engineer. On the contrary, the banks who are culprits for this crisis are still offering business grads ridculous starting salarys (a topic for another time).

I've given up also on having any kind of relationships. I thought that it was because I couldn't spare the time but now I know that was just an excuse. I just simply don't believe relationships work for me anymore (maybe this is a confidence issue I don't know). You may find this ridculous but at 25, I think I'm already too old to develop any meaningful long term relationship. Once a person starts working, status and money distort relationships and for all my faith in humanity, I don't believe girls can see alot beyond that. I've seen too many first hand, off hand examples that my trust has been blown away. Sure, sure my sample size is "relatively" small hahaha but it grows every year.

I no longer find myself having time/energy to spare for friends much less making new ones. Every thing I had going before evaporated. In the past, I would be garang enough to step into awkard situations. Now even sharing eye contact with other people makes me feel weird and insecure. I used to be such an extrovert, now I'm an introvert. In short, I'm the person who from the outside seemed to have every thing but really has nothing.

If someone threatened my life now, I don't think I would care. I think about suicide on a weekly basis, more from a "harakiri" standpoint but then what would my parents do? They are the sole reason why I'm still breathing. They also need to pay housing loans something that would not have been a problem if I had stayed in Singapore. I need to provide an ROI so to speak for all their time and money. But with all the mistakes and failures I have made, I don't know how long more I can go on. Each failure I bring bears a cost to other people. Edison could have had a thousand failures before he succeeded but how many people have that luxury?

I'm tired, frustrated and lost. Did I mention about my health? Nevermind, I too lor sor already.




You are someone I would claim as a 'thinker'; but before you decide that this is a complement, I would tell you that it's more of a comment/observation. I will explain why.

If we have to divide people into two extreme personalities, in this dichotomy of life, it would be 'thinkers' and 'doers'. The former depict people who think (only), but the latter refers to people who do (only). Naturally, most people fall in between. Problems usually arise from those who are nearer to these extreme points.

You are decapitated by your thoughts to such extend that you are basically immobile. Although you might have decent academic background, the crux of your plight lies with your selection process. Although you are right to say that you don't mind working as an intern for as long as it is a prospective company, this is precisely the problem here - many company may not be as 'prospective' as you deemed it would be, which you might probably eliminate. To worsen your deal, you lacked the necessary working experience - so companies are reluctant to hire (even intern), especially since times are difficult.

I will reframe it into something simpler - you want a deal that is good for you in the long term and the path you have 'planned' for yourself is rigidity linear and fixed. Even as a civil servant (in which our garmen would likely to hire you, considering your relatively impressive academic background), you consider it 'bad' in the long run. For someone who has been unemployed for 4 years - frankly, this 'bad' in the long run is still irony a 'good' now.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Your thinking disabled you totally. To make matter even worst, because your family is well-to-do, the incentive to find a job isn't as urgent. Yes, you might talk about ROI, but everything else is still stable, so what's the urgency unless it derives from self?

Learn to ride the donkey while you seek for the horse. You can't always be waiting for the glorious stallion to pass by you before you take a leap. Your attitude towards life synonymously reflects your situation in love - your fear of 'risk/lost' is masked by fortifying yourself in this ivory tower of intellectual retreat, analyzing from an apex, which you feel safe from the noisy rumbles of the world below your view. You comfort yourself with the thinking that you 'have the whole picture' but the truth is that your 'full picture' is the real distortion of the 'real picture'.

For once, learn to do first and think later.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 160310

Originally posted by Alpha Omega:

Currently i am in a very good relationship.

She is caring, understanding, loving, not materialistic, etc.

She also is currently in a good paying job and is earning a lot more than me, probably 1.5 times more.

However, here lies the problem, she comes from a very poor family and i do not.

I do live in an good surburb in the west side of Singapore and my family will soon acquire a condo in a prime area of Singapore.

I always somehow get this feeling that she is with me not because she truely loves me but because getting involved with me will move her up the status ladder in the long run should we get married because of my family background and her family background as well.

She has never openly mentioned something like this, but then again who would?

Are my fears valid or am i too paranoid?

Well she doesn't treat her family well, she used to live in a 3 room HDB flat but has since moved to an aunt's place.

In her family its survival of the fittest because i heard that when she was young her family did not even take care of her, did not give her allowance, and she was made to starve often from Secondary school all the way thru Uni.

Her parents are divorced which contributed to the situation.

The thing is, she has stated many many times if my current place will be where we will live should we get married.

Sure she has more earning power now, but she had a 3 year head start ahead of me in working.

I don't mind her background but i don't want her to have the wrong intentions because many people get discarded by their spouses should they fall upon bad times financially.

Besides i am not even thinking of the house and if we don't get it then we will move out to a HDB, but it seems like that is not the case with her because she gives me the feeling that she doesn't feel otherwise.

and if its not such a big deal then why she kept asking the questions on where we are to live? Is it really that bad to live in a HDB flat? because by her intention in asking persistantly if we are going to live in my current place in, it gives the signal that it is not acceptable to live in a HDB flat because she experienced my current place, even though she has been living in a 3 room HDB all her life.





Does she loves me for who I am or does she actually prefer my money more? This question is almost like asking if a newborn would end up being a criminal or a successful person.

You seriously will never know because it depends on how the relationship is being led, akin to how a child is being taught.

It’s interesting when people decide that they want someone to see them ‘for who they are’ when in reality they might exhibit a persona that depict the ‘self’ in which they actually reject as their ‘real’ self (in western astrology, this is probably attributed by the ascendant). If this is the root of your worries, then it is a problem in self marketing, much more then the personality of the person you have attracted.

Because, in simple, we attract the qualities we exude (CloUdiSm).

But it takes a lot of self awareness or enlightenment from others (due to our unconscious blind spots) to even perceive that phenomenon.

If this wasn’t the case, your issue actually lies with your point of selection. As a general statement: as much as a woman seek comfort in marrying ‘upwards’ and a man seeks pleasure in physical gratification, a relationship is but mutual exchange of needs, cutting across various dimensions. Surely, there must be existence of mutual needs before a relationship would makes any logical sense; there is no such thing as an absolute unconditional love in any love relationship – anyone making such a claim will end up in contradiction. Unconditional love in BGR exists only in relative sense, but never in any absolute manner.

First Law of love (CloUdiSm) states: it is we who choose our partner, not the other way round. Therefore, if this is the woman you have accepted as your significant other, then it will inevitable question your decision at the point of decision – why her then?

You must understand that love produces an interconnected dependency on both parties to function effectively. You have chosen her for your own individual reason – the question on the authenticity of her love based on your scenario may not be accurate. You know, it could also be equally plausible if I were to explain that your woman have deep underlying developmental issues during her early childhood, which caused her insecurity to project her thoughts in a certain manner, instead of a potential gold digger.

Perhaps you would like to understand her first. Fundamentally, if you want your woman to see you as ‘who you are’, then perhaps she might also want you to see her as ‘who she is.’

Cheers

Aunt Agony 150310

Originally posted by frozen-seal-heart:

ever since my heart was frozen... im getting more and more emo... i just someone that can chat with me... chat my heart out... i lost my dear one... i dont look into another BGR at all... for now.. i wish i can stand out from this dark clouds.... anyone?...

i used to live to the fullest... every moment is the best in my life... everything is wonderful... but it just collapse within 1 day... if you were me... can you take it and continue to life like normal?.... i lost everything over that night... my life... my dream... my love... even myself...

over that night... my dearest girlfriend died in hospital due to leukemia... she hide her sickness from me... she afraid i would leave her anytime... like her ex-bfs... she relieve the truth to me.. when she is hospitalize and have not much time left... i dont know the truth till that day... i was blinded for 3 months.... when i reach the hospital... she just say i love you... and she is gone... thats the last moment and words from her.... and i lost everything.... nothing else is left for me on this meaningless world.... what would you do?.. if you were blindfolded and the moment the truth is out... your lost everything... what would you do?

i tried to be successful.. i tried to forget about that incident... i tried to put it down... i tried everything... nothing works... my friends just say im lying... my friends just make use of me to score in their results... other then that they don even look upon me as a friend.... everyone just leave me... everyone hate me... make use of me... how am i going to be successful?... things are more difficult then before... everyone is realistic... too realistic... i thought of death... i even tried to sucide... but i have no courage... i dont know why... people like me... worthless... meaningless.. still living in this world... cause harm to everyone around me... everything is just pitch black..... where is the light of hope?... who is reach out his/her hand to me?... i wonder will there anyone willing to do so...

for 3yrs... i lied to myself... i can do better... i would walk out from this... im tired to do so anymore... 3 years... more then a thousand day... everyday wake up from my bed... i lied to myself... today will be a better day... but for now... im tired... im sick of it... i dont think it works anymore... believing in myself... i gave this up





Surely the there is a time and place for all things. Nobody is coercing you to accept the deal that life has thrown at you, but without the higher wisdom to accept that certain things in life are uncontrollable, we will always lead a life of misery because we will constantly be assailed with such phenomenon in life.

One can be emo, but one cannot indulge in self pity. The latter only seek to degenerate your mind and spirit, which you will find it ridiculously arduous to piece them together once such insidious value has sunk deep roots.

Firstly, you don’t aim for success without having to accept your circumstances from within because success often slipped from a man who can’t grasp properly. Paradoxically speaking, it is like telling a man to run when he doesn’t know how to use his legs. If you are unable to manage yourself internally, forget about the success you speak of. Success goes to the man who gains self mastery and self mastery first begins from self acceptance.

Surely, nobody said it is easy to move on, especially since your situation involved an involuntary separation of death. But in essence, it is the same as those who have divorced or have broken up inevitably because similar depression derived from the inability to continue the mutual relationship in a meaningful fashion.

The essence of such phenomenon denotes the impermanence of love, in which once the cosmic lesson is taught, the existence of the person will naturally disappear. The nature of such a relationship is often karmic (likely to be Saturn-influenced) and until we gain the necessary wisdom to pierce through this illusion that masked itself as ‘true love’ in our context, we will never be able to release ourselves from this emotional bondage.

Our learning in love is a series of stages; each relationship does not exist individually as finality to the whole, much more than a mere part within the intricate system. You don’t exactly possess love in a way you do for physical objects; it only seeks to teach, while you humbly learn or reject what it has to offer. By rejecting or denying your circumstance, it only creates a position where you would face emotional torment from the futile resistance, bleeding in greater amount until clarity appears.

Cheers

Jobs Opening

Anyone interested? Just leave a tag on my blog. :)

Position Openings:

1. Designation : Senior Manager-YAH!

Requirements : Bachelor Degree with relevant management/training
experience

-Team player with good organizational, communication & interpersonal skills

- Effectively bilingual (English/Chinese)

- Work experience in a training institute is a plus

Job Description : To be in-charge of the management & operation of the YAH!
Community College




2. Designation : Marketing Executive-YAH!

Requirements : -Bachelor Degree in Mass Communications, Marketing or
equivalent qualifications with at least 2 years of

relevant experience.

-Diploma holders with at least 5 years of relevant experience would also be
considered.

-Team player with good organizational, communication & interpersonal skills

- Effectively bilingual (English/Chinese)

Job Description : To develop marketing plans and strategies to promote
programmes in YAH.



The closing date for this recruitment is 31 March 2010.

Ontological View of Love

Upon careful examination, the ontological view of love will inevitably implore us to concede to the principle of non-duality in love. It's truly a deception to assign dualistic concept of love as an axioms, which will lead us to great confusion and distortion, resulting in the triggering of cosmic lesson to reiterate this non-dualistic understanding of love.

From separation into genders constructed through birthright, the concept of dualism will naturally arise; segmenting female (femininity) and males (masculinity). If love acts as the catalysis to congregate both feminine and masculine quality from an idealistic state of form into a matter, the existence of love thus served the teleological purpose of reverting this very nature of love back into a non-dualistic state.

Love is therefore two (in phenomena) but not two (in essence) - the principle of esho-funi.

I can't believe that simple understanding solved my fucking thought revolving the ontology of love, which troubled me for quite a while.

After graduation, I am so going back to project CloUdiSm and work on it.