Originally posted by boi_cant tahan:
I had a close friend, two of them and one of them is a girl. Ok its like this, we treated ourselves like siblings. The moment we argue we apologize soon after or IF there's any argument, its will be a friendly type. This is how close we are.
As years goes by, i going to NS soon and she is going to study at NAFA. It hurts rather sad when we apart because we spent so much time together. Best friends forever curse. Me her and together with all our friends were like one patch. She and my other close friend are the only ones that really help me thru the trouble of relastionship of what i posted in the forum quite a few times long ago. Now i finally got a gf, thanks to my friends. And soon after, my close friends also had a steady. Ok now this is where my pain starts.
Dont know why but i recently get this sigh of emo feeling whenever i saw her and her bf together. Its like i'm thinking i should be that guy. I seriously dont get it, i got a gf but i dont feel right. My happiness feeling down whenever i saw her and her bf together. But when we talk, its like the best moment. Then when i saw her bf feed her with fries, i felt sad. dont know why. And i did the same to my gf but it seems normal. Just out my laugh and smile but deep down i felt nothing when i do that to my gf.
Is it me, did i miss the moment with my close friends? I mean we are 19 years old now. We can't possibly be BEST friends forever but i dont want that to happen but as if i had a choice. We been friends for more than 5 years how can i got this stupid feeling about her? pls help. Anyone of you got this type of situation before? and what the hell is this feeling?
Grass is always greener on the other side.
Sometimes it does happen; especially when we assumed that life will remain status quo forever and we adopt an inactive approach towards the flow of life. Best friends may one day become causal friends and causal friends might one day developed into best friends; such impermanence nature of relationship is largely decided by the nurturing of the friendship towards the direction both seek to work towards.
You probably had a thing for her, just that passiveness took away point of action. Perhaps in the past, the feelings manifested itself as 'best friends' - but your conscious mind choose to stop right there without risking to probe further than just the choice of maintaining a great friendship.
It was a choice made. But it did not lapse into an issue because your circumstances were different - she was single and you could still enjoy a sizable amount of attention and concerns from her.
But now the situation kinda evolved. Surely, both of you are still good friends, but your position as a best friend is divided. Perhaps it's a hierarchy lower. But even so, in a social context, it is only natural and pretty much 'justified'. Your frustration stemmed from the fact that you are unable to resolve this internalization in view of such 'naturally justified social position' and your emotions just react helplessly.
You were undergoing some relationship problems before you found your current gf. And now that you had her, your subtle dissatisfaction and normalization of feelings towards your woman could signify that your love may be dubious. I am not questioning the love that you share with her, rather, I am concerned with regards to the circumstances that lead the formation of this relationship.
There is always a danger in loving someone and not realizing if there was the love you thought it was when you first acquired it.
Like what Genie has mentioned, learn to lead a relationship and not stick your head out and observe somebody else's. Such an attempt only seek to reveal the nature of your love towards your partner and upon correction, you might face an inevitable situation of losing them because you don't see a need to develop it.
Cheers
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
一颗开花的树
如何让你遇见我
在我最美丽的时刻
为这
我已在佛前求了五百年
求他让我们结一段尘缘
佛于是把我化作一棵树
长在你必经的路旁
阳光下慎重地开满了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望
当你走近
请你细听
那颤抖的叶是我等待的热情
而当你终于无视地走过
在你身后落了一地的
朋友啊
那不是花瓣
是我凋零的心
在我最美丽的时刻
为这
我已在佛前求了五百年
求他让我们结一段尘缘
佛于是把我化作一棵树
长在你必经的路旁
阳光下慎重地开满了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望
当你走近
请你细听
那颤抖的叶是我等待的热情
而当你终于无视地走过
在你身后落了一地的
朋友啊
那不是花瓣
是我凋零的心
Monday, February 01, 2010
Aunt Agony 010210
Originally posted by Jellyjellybean:
I've been with my bf for 4 months only and I think that I'm quite dependent on him, and I don't like that feeling.
On our 2nd month, my bf suggested a breakup because he wasn't used to being in a relationship and had commitment fears (because I'm his first gf). But after an hour of serious talk, we stayed together and for the past 8 weeks, we are a very happy & contented couple.
But recently, it's like a merry go round. Whenever I'm with my bf, it's bliss. But whenever he disappeared off the surface of the earth (sleeping, hanging out with friends, concentrating on his projects), I would feel very needy and lonely though I understand his needs to have his own time. Sometimes when he takes hours to reply me or his replies are cold, I would not be able to concentrate on my work and would often wonder what did I do wrong. I'm afraid that he would suggest a breakup again or something.
I did mention to him about my insecurities before and he assured that he loves me truly and he treasures our relationship a lot. I believe him but I still can't help feeling dependent.
It has come up to the point of affecting my studies because I can't concentrate on my work. Please help. (And he's entering NS soon, and I'm afraid I would become more cui after that).
How do I reduce my dependency on my boyfriend?
You have already partially uncovered part of the truth - in which you are insecure and hence the dependency.
Some people don't realize that they have a dependency attitude in relationship until they are into one - EVEN if they could seem to be rather independent during their single life. The problem revolves around the need to validate the existence of the relationship and the constant need to ensure that the relationship is not deteriorating because they have 'invested' and a failure in the 'investment' might presents a great repercussion.
To seek for reassurance is common, but if there's no justification to postulate constant reassurance, we might want to examine the condition of our thoughts and emotional state to understand the source of issue. His decision in the attempt to break up in the past would have fuel your insecurity. Although this is normal, but to give up everything and just revolve your life around him will inevitably create a situation where you become more depended on him.
To reduce dependency, you need a life outside that of your relationship. Take note that the real problem in inducing the earlier breakup is not because you had life outside that of your relationship, but because your guy is unable to emotionally manage himself. You can bridge those differences through proper communication and not axe yourself away from the natural things in your life.
Loyalty in relationship is very much an individual thing. For as long as both is committed and contented - the relationship will be there to stay. A completely satisfied woman cannot be seduced. Hence his insecurity is also unfounded.
You can't stop anyone from leaving. So instead of trying to tie it down and get burned by the friction, why not remove the worries and just enjoy the relationship just as it is?
Cheers
I've been with my bf for 4 months only and I think that I'm quite dependent on him, and I don't like that feeling.
On our 2nd month, my bf suggested a breakup because he wasn't used to being in a relationship and had commitment fears (because I'm his first gf). But after an hour of serious talk, we stayed together and for the past 8 weeks, we are a very happy & contented couple.
But recently, it's like a merry go round. Whenever I'm with my bf, it's bliss. But whenever he disappeared off the surface of the earth (sleeping, hanging out with friends, concentrating on his projects), I would feel very needy and lonely though I understand his needs to have his own time. Sometimes when he takes hours to reply me or his replies are cold, I would not be able to concentrate on my work and would often wonder what did I do wrong. I'm afraid that he would suggest a breakup again or something.
I did mention to him about my insecurities before and he assured that he loves me truly and he treasures our relationship a lot. I believe him but I still can't help feeling dependent.
It has come up to the point of affecting my studies because I can't concentrate on my work. Please help. (And he's entering NS soon, and I'm afraid I would become more cui after that).
How do I reduce my dependency on my boyfriend?
You have already partially uncovered part of the truth - in which you are insecure and hence the dependency.
Some people don't realize that they have a dependency attitude in relationship until they are into one - EVEN if they could seem to be rather independent during their single life. The problem revolves around the need to validate the existence of the relationship and the constant need to ensure that the relationship is not deteriorating because they have 'invested' and a failure in the 'investment' might presents a great repercussion.
To seek for reassurance is common, but if there's no justification to postulate constant reassurance, we might want to examine the condition of our thoughts and emotional state to understand the source of issue. His decision in the attempt to break up in the past would have fuel your insecurity. Although this is normal, but to give up everything and just revolve your life around him will inevitably create a situation where you become more depended on him.
To reduce dependency, you need a life outside that of your relationship. Take note that the real problem in inducing the earlier breakup is not because you had life outside that of your relationship, but because your guy is unable to emotionally manage himself. You can bridge those differences through proper communication and not axe yourself away from the natural things in your life.
Loyalty in relationship is very much an individual thing. For as long as both is committed and contented - the relationship will be there to stay. A completely satisfied woman cannot be seduced. Hence his insecurity is also unfounded.
You can't stop anyone from leaving. So instead of trying to tie it down and get burned by the friction, why not remove the worries and just enjoy the relationship just as it is?
Cheers
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