Sunday, November 29, 2009

Aunt Agony 291109

Originally posted by Coffeelindy:

if you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her past?

if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?

when i got together with my bf, he told me everything about his past. i thought i could bear with it, but as time goes by, i start to mind alot of the things he did.
he had one night stand with a stranger. it may be common for people nowadays, but being a conservative person, i find it intolerable. needless to say, i am very affected by this unchangable fact.

He explained to me he did it out of pure curiosity. It was his first time doing it and the last. he claimed he did not enjoy it at all even though his 'erhem' felt good. i cannot believe. After seeing a woman naked, fondling her breasts, doing 'it' with her, and later chat with her on the bed with her being naked and also at the same time squeezing her breasts...and later still went to have supper together and back to the hotel and stayed until morning. So much time together and having such intimate actions...is it really possible not to be attracted to her at all? even not to her body alone? i really dont believe.... and i have been bothered by this constantly....

Anyone can suggest how can i overcome this? i really need help.




You are experiencing disequilibrium in managing your beliefs against this new input forced into your thoughts. Your difficulty stem from having to reconcile these two different set of values into a harmonious equation. Unless there is a shift of perception (or adoption of some newly constructed ones) - you will behave/react/feel in a way as if your boyfriend has cheated on you, which is of course detrimental to the growth of your love.

Personally, I do not think it's wise to share events that occurred in the past, ESPECIALLY if it doesn't value add the relationship. Some people think that they are being 100% open about themselves, but that's terrible one-sided because no matter what we think we have communicated, we are never 100% open. (Some people intentionally communicate such information, but that is another topic altogether and I won't touch on that here).

The other side of the coin (which is the greater evil) is that there are even more people who can't handle certain 'truth', even if it's in the past. I will explain a little: it's paramount that we maintain an open honest relationship with our current love. However the catch is that this responsibility only covers our current relationship - it doesn't mean that we should regress and extend this coverage into the past - ad infinitum.

The goal of love should always be forward looking - in regression, we could only seek to achieve little.

My lecturer once told me that when he was younger, he smoke pot - once. He doesn't like it and still grows up like any other law-bidding citizen in the country. Having to experiment it once doesn't make him a drug addict. You see, many people get into fights, steal or do stupid things when they are younger, but that doesn't necessary mean that they are potential violent murderers/robbers/thief (of course, unless the behaviour is reinforced in regular negative pattern and conditioned by their environment) because if so, most of us are in fact criminals.

We need to consider the component of a person's ability to evolve themselves, especially if it's just a one time off. Of course, this principle is less reliable if your boyfriend has history of engaging in ONS as compared to a one time off situation.

You are definitely entitled to your own beliefs and feelings. Just that, with all that focus onto his past, you could have spend that same deal of energy into making this relationship meaningful for the both of you.

Having a deontology belief, imho, does not relate to every case.

Cheers

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Aunt Agony 261109

Originally posted by Downs:
Hi everyone, this is my first ever post. Hope i won't get flamed or whatsoever.
I don't really believe in true love. Is there even such a thing.

Not to offend anyone, but our parents may be together because of reliance. Reliance on one another over the years. And with a son and daughter they just got to carry it on.

Think of it. You can google it. Love does really fade over time, i read about blablabla chemicals that are produced when you "love" someone but it will get lost over time. If you get too involve with your "lover" but already lost your love for her, for example you have children, you wouldnt want to tear the family up. Thus you shut up, you carry on, try to be mr nice guy and try to love her back.

can someone please educate me what true love really is? a lifetime care for your partner with an unending desire for her? or is it just reliance over time and attempts to keep the peace.



How true is 'true'? And if there is true love - does it means there are 'false love' too?

The fact is that people are largely deluded by what they see on screen and apply them wholesale, momentarily blurring the lines between scripted drama and reality. What made it worst is that the notion of 'true love' is often a facade used by many love afflicted (development) individual to disguise some undeserving relationships or to perpetuate certain negative behaviors like abuse or possessiveness.

By words alone, it may seem a little illogical to believe in that notion, but in reality, people are actually accepting such diabolical belief in full scale. And this is rather a wide-spread phenomenon.

It is wide spread not just because people are unenlightened, but more importantly, they perceived karmic relationship as 'beneficial relationship' insidiously wrapped over by the pretty packaging of 'true love' sold to the world today.

People some times asked me 'Yunhaier, help me see if he/she is the one' (astrological perspective).

I always ask them "so what if I say no? What would you do?"

"Hah? No ah? Like that lor."

From there, it's obvious that my comments wouldn't have matter at all, therefore interestingly, why even bother asking? Rational sense would have stepped in if I said something negative to dismiss all that statements as unfounded, while blind faith will be reinforced upon something positively said by me.

So here's the truth: people decide how 'true' their love is by basing on their own construction of judgement. It is like the postmodernist perspective of reality (that we construct our own reality) - there is no univocal love that binds the superficial concept of 'true love' we gathered from the media - just much variation of the same concept, in which unfortunately is a belief that is susceptible to exploitation or obsessively held by the blinded soul/s.

The concept of true love is a classic deception.

Love is 'true' by our making; it is not given true as our prerogative.

Cheers

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Aunt Agony 241109

Originally posted by God of Spunk:

i am a man of my early twenties and recently decided to further my studies after my national service. i am currently faced by what i consider to be a sticky situation concerning matters of the heart. my loyalty to my first and only gf having dated for a long time is being questioned and my mind is a horrible mess! though i never cheated on her before, i find it difficult overcome my strong desires and feelings for a girl that i met and known at my school.

i know i'm obsessed with her but she is indeed beautiful like a rare gem to me. i have noticed her for as long as i studied there. each time she smiles so sweetly it sends crazy sparks of love right into my heart. we are not very close friends but i really feel delighted during the times i am with her. initially i wasn't sure if she had a bf but now that i know for sure, i can't help but feel that she might not even want to be friends with me anymore if she finds out that i'm very much attracted to her. hence i was also holding back a lot when i was speaking to her. to make things even more confusing, i think she's really sweet to me and somehow flirted with me.

i thought over this and now i want to end things with my gf because it is not fair for her this way and i don't want be a cheating bf. i mentioned this to her briefly and somehow i have an impression that she thinks it is a joke. i'm not entirely sure if things can work out with my new found love and at the same time, i don't want to be the cause of a breakup especially since they were also a couple for a long time! how should i tell my gf in a gentlest way possible so she won't hate me forever? serious opinions / advice please.





It doesn't matter what rationale you provide yourself to drop your current relationship - for as long as you already have the thought of a life outside this relationship, the fate of this relationship is pretty much sealed.

The danger of stagnation presents itself as a risk to every relationship - not just a lengthy one. And a common misconception is that people always believe that a long running relationship WILL definitely fall into the pits of stagnation (although that's not always the case, but it is a different topic for a separate day).

The first love (relationship) often presents a problem - the problem of comparison. Without comparison, of course, we could just fly auto pilot with our first love indefinitely because it is a 'monopoly scene'. Of course, I don't mean to say that for as long as someone better comes along, everyone would leap ship - that's way too linear and simplistic to view relationship in that manner. However, because we are all subjectively human, all of us have a certain vulnerability in being attracted to certain 'archetype' of partner/s. And if someone in our reality portrays, in effect, a great resemblance to this archetype, there will naturally be a cognitive dissonance in comparing our existing mate with this 'prospect'.

Usually, I won't morally judge anyone on this sort of matter as it just doesn't make sense to me to remain in a relationship that you have already decided out. You see, the problem doesn't lie with the woman you are infatuated with - it simply reveal to me that your relationship is merely waiting for a certain 'x' catalysis to happen before it will perish into nothingness.

Many relationships are like this - they are functioning on the surface, but in reality, people are just waiting for 'something to happen' before they could officially pronounce it dead. The ironic thing is that we only need one reason to end the relationship; we don't even need circumstances. But the thing is that because we are all rational humans - our rationality is based on the need for some sort of 'empirical proof' as it's only 'rational' to construct a decision based on circumstances, which are best things we could offer as reasons for our behaviour.

If you don't love her anymore, that's should be about it. Everything else is superfluous.

P.S: You are like constantly peering out of the window and longing to break free - remaining in this relationship is but incarceration. What's the use of retaining yourself when your heart is already no longer with the relationship?

Cheers

Friday, November 20, 2009

Aunt Agony 201109

Orginally posted by Pebbly:

hello. I have a problem pls advice

I recently feel like avoiding my boyfriend because its awkward around him nowadays. I'm not being choosy or selfish (im so sorry if i sounds like it) but often i treat him meals and stuff. Isn't it weird? really sorry for being selfish but this is not what i was expecting. When we went to clubbing together with our group of friends, i caught him dance with other girls too but when i dance with some random guys, he scold me. And when the time comes when i finally had it with him, he gave me some stern warning that i will regret it if i broke up with him. I'm really scared. Even my friends asked me to not to do this and to continue on having a relationship with him. They asked me to endure a few months with him till he get bored of me or something but i cant wait that long. pls to the girls, how u break up with such a aggresive guy?

i really cant take it anymore. pls i really need help i do anything






Behind the facade of an aggressive man, lies a minaiture guy afraid of being hurt. Albeit he could have mask himself with the scent of aggressiveness that might allow him to score a win in a bar brawl, but he could muster no weapon against the intention of his woman desiring to leave him.

The thought of him being unable to keep his woman is almost a bruise to his raw ego - complete helplessness. This is a classic situation faced by many guys - the difference is that different people have different way of coping with it. An animalistic or 'lower level' way of managing it is to resort to the same sort of shield he exude to the world and shaped it as a threat to retain his 'partner'.

Love is emancipation and it cannot be contained by fist or anger.

The more he tries to work his strength, the further Love eludes from him.

You will eventually leave him, so what's the wait for?

Cheers

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

2/3 of the Race is finished

I have finished 2/3 of my academic race and thankfully, a break until end Jan next year.

Lots of stuff to do, especially reading.

I promised myself to go through the writings of Nichiren Daishonin during this term break. If I can go through at least 40 letters (which is a fifth of his entire writing) - that would fulfil my religious objective for this term break.

Next I need to catch up on my philosophical pursuit and to work on CloUdiSm. The crazy thing is that the more things I learn, the more dumbass I feel. This has become an addiction: I have this insatiable hunger for knowledge - the more I gorge myself with it, the less satisfied I feel. The less satisfied I feel, the more I will gorge myself. (Freaking SM).

I also promise myself to learn about value investing.

For dance - self work on techniques and if got time, I wanna go class!

P.S: And it's time to initiate my search for a more-related job. Must constantly remind myself that I cannot stay in SH all my life.

Cheers

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Irony of Communication and The One

People tend to take things a lot harder as they grow older.

Start to realize that people around me are showing signs of acute (I certainly hope it isn't chronic) clinical depression. Where are the days where emo days are gone after a couple of meaningful dialogues and chilling out - even when we were once poor students with little luxury of life and have to resort to old school style communication?

In the present world we lived in: we have total mobility in communication - MSN, Facebook, mobile, HSPA+ etc. Previously, I only had a freaking pager that could only allow me 1 minute to alpha numeric on public phones before it cuts me off entirely.

Ironically, although we are more interconnected now, but strangely, the quality of our communication deteriorates. The prospect of this interconnectivity actually makes us less 'connected' with one another on a grander scale and it's just so ironic.

Maybe people are depressed not because they are not connected with one another - but because the quality of our support is weakening. Psychologically, somehow, we are much weaker than when we first begin, even though the rest of our body matured into full-blown adults. We came into society with hopes and dreams of our own bright future, only to be dulled by the soot of our drudgery circumstances, which are evidences of our poor grasping and learning in our own personal life developments.

In life, our primary perceived support are also gelded by the 'busy' reality of life. We realized we have less time for one another. And unfortunately, it's not because we are so caught up with our own problems, but because we are now intensively focus on gaining material wealth and accumulating surplus, at the expense of our own emotional, mental and spiritual wealth.

We have more, but we are not as happy.

In love, we used to date people just for the fun of it because we are able to let go things better. As we grow older, we begin to insist that love must run the way we want it to be and if it doesn't, we learn to cling onto love that mask itself as karmic relationship, thinking that he/she must be 'the one'.

People always asked me 'Yun, help to see if he/she is the one?'

Who the hell is 'The One?'

What is 'The One?'

The One can eat or not?

The only one I know is Jet Li and therefore nobody else is The One other than him. Bona Fide.



Nobody, even I, can tell you who 'The One' is - but certainly you and me can tell who is definitely NOT.

The only problem in the latter is convincing yourself.

“One doesn’t discover new lands without losing sight of the shore.”
- Andre Gide

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I will gorge books until I start spitting letters



At first glance when Karen posted to me, I thought she was trying to tell me that she was pregnant.

Then I realized it was a little too far fetched

After proper analysis, I finally understood.

"AH Karen, next time when you buy Macdonald and is still hungry, please don't eat the brown paper bag that comes with it. It is meant to be a carrier, NOT a supplementary diet for your extra value meal. See la, eat liao puke all the shit."

P.S: Actually she is talking about my title. For her effort in drawing, I must blog it. ROFLMAO!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Between Compassion and Production

Had never battled so many instances of flashfloods gushing out from the eyes of others. So many things just happened. Totally deranged.

But I was glad that I made certain choices in life. You know... like placed on a spiritual test to choose between compassion and production... between good friend and work. Gawd, it was kinda difficult because I had just finished a massive event and there are much backlog waiting for me to clear (on top of all the urgent stuff). And the thing is that my sort of shit is the kind of shit that if I don't clear them regularly, it just piles up - nobody could help me to clear them anyway.

When I received the emergency button, I just paused for a moment. Yes I actually paused.

Then I started reasoning with myself.

"FUCK! Not like SH is paying you millions of dollars! Not like that additional 5 hours of work will rake in million of lines for the company. That 5 hours probably won't even stir a shit... but it will make tremedous difference to someone else."

My choice becomes apparent.

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