Why even bother?

Something is happening.

I am not deluded.

Guess what?

4.35am and I am still not fucking sleeping.

Why?

I just uncovered some shit.

Seriously, I need to release all that fucking shit and just end that gawd damn misery.

END THAT GAWD DAMN MISERY! DAMN IT! JUST FUCKING END IT!

Why even bother?

Just fucking look around you.

Why even bother

Aunt Agony 240309

Originally posted by NEWater

Asperger's Syndrome is considered to be a part of autism. But unlike typical autism where the cases are intellectually-impaired, I'm emotionally- and socially-retarded. I experience tremendous difficulties in daily life from interacting with others, to assimilating successfully into society and suffer for it.

Ever since I've been diagnosed six months ago, I think I've improved markedly in terms of (or attempting to) reading the body language, linguistic inflections etc. of other people in my present work environment, which is the SAF.

Over the past year I've been continuously singled out and bullied for allegedly either deliberate disrespect for my superiors or carrying out my tasks wrongly. While I have indeed been attempting to explain my condition to my commanders lately, they haven't been able to understand, just thought I was retarded or trying to be funny and gain sympathy. But it isn't surprising to me. SAF isn't well-known for attracting or retaining talented and intelligent people.

All along, however, I've been continuously rejected by people and have quite desensitized to getting blown off. But recently, I've been trying in earnest to make myself better with people, attempting to learn of empathy and trying to do things with others, in the social context even though I clearly do not enjoy those activities, but I still end up with the same result.

While I understand that in this day and age, this working world places a high emphasis on teamwork as a catalyst to success, it's outright difficult for me. I think I'm able to sort things out logically at work and try to sort things out as effectively as possible while working as a team, but when it comes down to the day-to-day social back and forths of everyday life, it's a continuous and never-ending struggle for me. No matter how much I try, it's difficult to get people to like me. While I don't think anyone near me distinctly dislikes me and try to actively antagonize me, it's just depressingly disappointing that be it with effort put in or not, I still get the same result. So, why do I bother?

Work and social life with my fellow males aside, I haven't felt any real love for a woman/girl in about 7 years. The female friends that I have tend to bore me to death. The ones I'm interested in are either 2-3 continents away, or think it laughable to be associated with chaps like me.

So, it brings me to question my present interest in majoring in journalism, which requires me to interact and talk with many people. While I have a voracious interest in current affairs, history, philosophy, politics and the like, and writing about it, the future job prospects scare me. I will really have to search people out for interviews etc., and, blah.

I don't know. I like to be alone. In fact, I prefer being alone than to be in a room with someone else. But I know that I have to be with other people if I want to advance in this society.

Death, in comparison, is lonely, isn't it? It seems more appealing. This isn't some random, emo, angsty thought, but something that I've been contemplating for a good, long while. I understand that a lot of us tend to shun from thinking of it, but as an emotionally-impaired individual who is still, unfortunately human, I am still a social animal, and am being tortured for it.


AS (Asperger's Syndrome) most notable signs is the deficit in reading non-verbals: every time you fail to recognize non-verbals cues, it inevitably create some form of a social mess and rejection occurs naturally. When you repeat that cycle a few times, (minus the debate about it being genetic), your environment might just end up reinforcing your condition and worsen your situation.

I understand your situation: is like when you encounter some form of social error in responding to a joke and then you learn how this 'manner' can be told as a joke. Later, in other situations, you might have tried to mimic what you just learn and realized that it backfired for some strange reasons and resulted in another social mistake. And you wondered what went wrong because you felt that you said just the same stuff.

Communication comes in two ways, verbal speech (left brain) and non-verbal (right brain). Impairment of one makes communication difficult because we ALWAYS read both at the same time to truly picked up construct and meaning of messages. We don't just speak in words - we all speak in tones, attitude and other non-verbals.

Through your words, obviously, you have no problem in textual communication because that trigger mainly your left brain - which you don't have any issues in the first place.

You probably need to seek some form of specialist - probably some form of behavioral training and coping skills. It should help you to response better in social situation. Don't see it as a therapy - perceive it as skill set you wished to learn and gain adequate mastery eventually.

You have people paying thousands of dollars learning how to 'date'; similarly learning how to be a 'parent'. In this modern era, it's like we are all going for lessons on learning about things that ought to be 'second nature', but the fact is that everyone has their own strength and weakness. You must understand that the diversity of life and human beings are such that we are all different in various aspects. Although we can recognize our lacks, but ultimately, how we want to overcome this lack makes that very difference.

You might not be about to resume 100% ability in reading non-verbals, but if you can reach 60-70%, I think it's still good.

Just keep learning.

P.S: For AS, there is a fundamental shift in calling it a matter of 'difference' than terming it as a disorder. There are people who prefer to be alone; some calls it a biological thing, but why not a personal choice?

You have your own dream to pursue - don't let AS remove your courage to work towards it. Dreams are dreams because only those who actively pursue them relentlessly can transform those into reality.

Nobody should be denied the right to their own dreams and the only person who can reject is but yourself.

Cheers

I think I saw someone

I have superb observation skills.

I saw someone's picture on a Jar.



Where's Wally?

Wahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaa!

Aunt Agony II 150309

Originally posted by Giddyboy:

I met a thai girl whom i got to know from a escort website. I booked her for 2 hours for sex. But instead of doing anything, we actually just chat, massage each other's back and joke around for the whole 2 hours. After that, we went for makan and i sent her back to her work place at orchard towers. Then she sms me telling me that i am a real gentlemen and feels good been with me and hope we can be good friends.

The next day, i realised i can't stop thinking of her. I called and chat with her ever since then. I even had foolish ideas of finding her a decent job in singapore or some way to stop her from working there. ( Of cos thats impossible i know ). And worst of all i was her only customer for that whole week. As business is pretty bad at orchard towers and she doesn't do business with those ang mohs. i asked i could go down and visit her, but she refused saying she only wants to see me outside and not in this kind of place.

Then i decided to invite her to my house for dinner. She responded very happily and even went to shop for some decent clothes so she can wear it to when she meets my family.

On that fateful friday the 13th, i brought her to my place, intro her to my mum and had dinner. Then we went to my room and chat , surf net. She was really very happy and we even discussed about the next day program. Then my mum asked " Is she staying overnight?" I told her maybe. Her face turned really black and said "NO"

I was somewhat shocked and i suddenly felt everything is going to go wrong. I begged my mum but she refused. I really dont know wat to do.. cause i actually told the thai girl she could stay over, and my parents will be ok with it ( I brought ex gf to my place before to makan and overnight but my mum never make noise ). I went back to my room, and asked her if she wanted to go clubbing. She looked at me and asked whats wrong. I just told her the truth that my parents dont like you to overnight here. After that the thai girl said she's ok with it and that i can tell her the truth. Then she continued serving net and suddenly broke into tears.

I was SHOCKED. She cried. I asked her whats wrong she refused to tell me. Then my mum sms from the living room telling me to ask her to leave. i really didnt know what to do, i felt like as though my life is over. Then i asked her to dry up her face and we leave the house now.

I brought her to hotel 81 and when we entered the room, she was still crying. After she settled her crying, and a long persuading, she finally told me. She told me she put a lot of hope in seeing my family and she even spent money to buy decent dressing for me. She even took a day off from work just for this day.

I apologised and kissed and hug her. She then said, hooker and customer shouldnt have fall in love. I just told her that it's my decision to love her. We chatted about each other's problem, about my strict family and her finanical budern. She has to drink herself drunk every night so she can sleep otherwise she cant sleep. Its really sad. i really wished i can do something for her, and i thought i could make her life happier on friday but it turned out to be like this.

I send her home and gave her 100 bucks. I went home without shedding a single tear throughout everything. The moment i lied down on my bed, i simple broke down. I just couldnt stop crying. In my heart i kept on cursing myself.Cursing myself why am i born in such a strict family and when i didn't study well enough to have a higher paying job. Then i thought of putting a stop to our relationship. I called her told her that today will be the last time we see each other again. She kept quiet for a minuite, and told me she really dont wan me to leave her etc etc etc.

In the end i couldn't bear it, and i told her i will call her again. I really am at loss. i really dont know what to do. To be frank, i broke down several times typing till here. I hate my parents and i hate myself. I really wished i can do something to let her have a better life.

I've hired a called girl cause i feel so sick of the failed relationships i've been through. 9 girls mostly local girls whom i went steady with after my NS. They brought me nothing but anger, disappointment and sadness. I don't know how to put it but i think i really have no luck in meeting nice sg girls who are considerate and senstive (not over sensitive) to me and my friends around me.

My ex gf is a good example. Go out for dinner with my buddies, need to report to her where and with who. Call me every 2 hours to check on me.

I Bring her out with my friends, the first thing she do is hug me and talked to me non stop and then only after talking so much then she say HI to my friends. Really got no respect for my friends. Come my house , she chatted with my mum like best friends and wash the plates after dinner.

Still got many things, too many to mention here.


Falling head over heels with a prostitute are occasional topics that would pop its presence into Aunt Agony every other moment. In my 8 years here, I remembered telling those guys, having exact same scenario as yourself (you can consider them as your predecessor), to report with a reply/topic/post if they are successful in their relationship with these ladies. You know the happily ever-after kind?

None did.

***

Before we start claiming human rights issues about the fact that prostitute are also human beings requiring basic socio-emotional needs - this is in fact a red herring to the real fundamental issues in love, which are classic technique naturally 'used' by our individual cosmic lessons, which could conveniently put us in intensive karmic relationship without resistance. The informal fallacy that prostitute also deserve a partner, in this case, is but a smoke screen to conceal the root of issues - the deficit in learning about love.

Everything occurs within a one week time frame and such pace of advancement is likely to an Uranus-influence relationship. Your failure in previously relationship seemed to share a common factors that (1) you based your decision entirely on affect and (2) you don't exactly know your partners very well when you end up in a relationship with them.

First law of CloUdism states "it is we who chooses our partner, not the other way round.' As much allocation of blame you have attributed to your previous girlfriends, wouldn't you agree that having nine unsuccessful relationship are blatant signals that the root of problem are probably strong hint of suggestion that you are likely the main reason for it?

You mentioned that such disappointment has prompted you to dial a call girl; hence your real agenda is that you wanted a girlfriend, so what you did was to attempt to switch from a paid sexual service to 'convert' them into 'legitimate' relationship. You have used monetary payment to get pass your first door (the approach) because in any given chase, for the masculine role always suffer from approach anxiety (fear of rejection). Your failure in several preceding relationships has created what I termed as love fatigue and in response, people always hasten the process to get to where they last stopped in love.

This creates several structural problems in love, often only expressed itself in later stages.

The condition of this fact doesn't alter, even if you get to know her better before committing anything.

Also, I believe there are certain amount of Transference (shifting your emotions towards this woman, bounded by paid services to response in a certain manner, simultaneously illicit your desire to forge deeper companionship). She reciprocated in a manner (both physical and personality) close to your ideals, but I must remind you that these are merely perception exuded on her part, which might not be consistent with her actual thoughts and feelings.

Man just loved playing the knight in shining armour; don't over identify yourself with the role of a rescuer. Albeit it feels good on the ego, but you subject yourself to blind compliance. Blaming yourself for her helplessness is step one.

P.S: You are pretty much fixed in what you plan to do and like all others before you, I shall say the same: do let us know if this has evolve into a successful outcome. I should still be around.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 150309

Originally posted by Only-Way-4-Destiny!:

I hope you all can give me some help. Age: 15, Secondary 3, Guy. This is my situation.

My parents are divorced and were separated around 9 months ago. I just cannot seem to get over it. I am living with my father but I am still in contact with my mother.

Ever since I kicked my computer gaming addiction; which is probably concealing a lot of my deepest emotions, I am very much affected by that divorce.

I had not felt anything bad about the divorce until around January this year as I was pretty much distracted by my computer gaming habit last year.

My father is remarrying someone else. I am not holding any objections to this or whatsoever. I am on some sort of emotional rollercoaster. I am financially supported but I do not feel any emotional support. I am glad that I have a good aunt who I can share my problems with. She is also very concerned about my emotional well-being.

Once, when she figured out that there was something bugging me, she talked to me and asked me, "If you have one wish, what would you wish for?" Thoughts begin to fill my mind... I got very emotional and started crying and did not utter a word and she comforted me as she knew what did I want. I want to revert the clock back... Where this did not happen.

When I look at others, who have such wonderful and complete familes, I felt a sense of emotional void and sadness... Loneliness too... Sometimes, I would just cry to myself.

I am now much more temperamental and very much more reserved towards my family. I really need some advice. I am starting to lose my motivation and optimism and if I do not untangle this knot within me, I doubt I would be able to move away from the shadow of this and this is going to affect my studies a lot. I really do not know how much more of this can I take.

How can I untangle this knot and be liberated from this heavy stone weighing in my heart?



PS: Sorry for any inconsistencies or mislinking in this... Too many things in my mind.



It would be a self deception if you deemed that this will not going to affect you. Every aspects of our life is like an interlocking system, connected by all the intriguing gears. A slight tweak in one gear will result in a complete change in the monstrous engine of life and everything else will effectively reposition itself.

I would like to address one crucial understanding and distinctive awareness between yourself and that of your father's cosmic love challenges.

(1) Your father, like all other humans, is imperfect by nature. We all are - because we are just human beings. Also, life just doesn't have a ten-years-series manual on parenting, as well as relationship. There are many factors contributing to a successful family and your dad, like all students of love, is learning about his own complication and issues pertaining to his own love relationship - namely between your mum and your prospective step-mum.

You must understand that the collapse of your parents marriage has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. This is but the intensive struggle between your parents' dealing with their spiritual union and this journey belong entirely to them alone. During solemnization, the marriage vow was exchanged between two parties - it was never anyone else. The formation was set at two, hence the dissolution remains at two.

The first step to liberation is never to blame yourself for your parents' lessons in life.

(2) You are part of the collateral damage suffered from the result of their decision. You probably have two choices. One is to deny and practice escapism, while the other is the gain clarity through acceptance and seek to discover your own self actualization.

You are an insightful young man. Your self awareness has concluded that gaming is a form of defensive mechanism employed by your subconscious to fill in the emotional void experience through this ordeal. In your reality, this might serve as a plaster to halt blood from oozing, but my concern is more on your holistic recovery (albeit with scars) and possibly to avoid a karmic cycle of distorted values in love that would continuously create wounds that bleeds you profusely.

I seriously suggest that you speak to your school counsellor, especially since you are concern with your performance in school. Indeed your aunt might serve as a sole pillar of strength in your family setting, but it's helpful to expand your emotional safety net with people whom you can trust and could possible assist you in other settings you are engaged in.

P.S: Do remember, the last thing you ever need is to introduce or adopt habits/decision that will create more misery in your life. Know well what leads you forward and what holds you back.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030309

Originally posted by noodle-eater:
Hi all,

I have been lurking these forums and now just gathered the courage to post. I am 37, and was married to a wonderful woman for nearly 7 years. We are now separated for about 5 months. She is living with a man now, and refusing to see me or even talk about getting back together. Long story short, I cheated in her 2x, and she forgave me. But the 3rd and last incident, I moved out to live with another woman for about 4 months, and when then I realize how dumb I had been, my wife already moved out.

Initally, I thought I could get her back, but as times goes, I see how she had made up her mind, she won't even see me anymore. On top of that, all her friends and family are ignoring me, and rightly so. I tried calling her, texting her, e-mailing her but that just annoyed her more. So I followed my sister's advice and leave her alone for now. But I am afraid that with time, she may drift further and further away and the possibility (no matter how remote) of us getting back together is getting slimmer.

She is the love of my life, and my first love, we had been together as BF/GF for nearly 20 years, and she had been nothing but an angel in my life, but I was so insecure and immature, I went and forsake her love...

Now that I am "sober" about life and my mistakes, I am a better person, I want to make it up to her and "return" her love. The guy she is living with now, I don't think she loves him, I just think she wants some sort of stability and someone that is a contrast to me. I think deep down, she still loves me, and I now know, I TRULY DEEPLY LOVES HER...

I know many people will say, if I love her, let her go, and move on. But 20 years of her sacrifice and now that I am a better person, I want us, to get back together and truly begin our life and love together. It is worth fighting for, and I would like to fight for her, before "moving on and giving up".

I have drafted many e-mailes to her but have not send them. Should I send them? Or should I leave her alone for now...

Any encouragements, suggestions, welcomed.



Beggars can't be choosers. You might have deemed that you have learned your mistake, but the price of enlightenment comes with a certain cost. Yours is probably at the expense of your marriage.

People do make mistake - the only shit difference is that when the mistake is made repeatedly and the only logical conclusion is that the person is irrevocably damned and unchangeable. Then what sort of redemption do you seek and how would you expect people to believe you?

What are the odds?

You are fighting against an entire army of her support network advocating against you and your intention to get back. Your only bargaining chip (pretty much delusional) is that you feel she still has feeling for you. I must say that you are narcissistic to think along that direction, because feelings like life, do experience death in a permanent manner.

Unfortunately, although you might be enlightened, but this realization is but a product of comparison - that your wife is good because those women whom you have cheated her with, did not meet up to eventual expectations, and NOT because she is indeed good. Your realization is but a light-ray reflection off a glass piece; not that you are not seeing the glorious shine from the sun itself.

So what if you lengthened the years of your union to make it seem as if this relationship was meant to be? The collapse of financial giants in recent news is a blatant statement of the past is not always a good indication of the future. And such ignorance, alone, can serve as the catalysis to ruin anything in life - hence your 20 years are nothing but figures that makes no significant meaning because your decimate your own relationship with bare hands willingly.

Now that you need her and she doesn't need you - does that scenario mirror the exact same emotional turmoil that she had went through previously, while you cheated and even cohabit with another woman for four months?

The cycle of cause and effect is rigid and strict.

You need to evolve yourself. Talk is way too cheap in your case.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010309

Originally posted by Lovelyman:

Her history is kinda complicated.

She is married at the age of 20 and claimed her hubby (boyfriend) then purposely impregnanted her in order to get her to marry him.After 4 years of marriage with 2 kids.He totally stopped all kinda intimacy with her.His reason is he is too stressful but she found out that he is watching porns from time to time but just dont want to do with her.

During this time her body has changed alot weight from 43/45 kg to 60kg and breast size from C to A/B very saggy.

Her dad commited suicided 4 years back and her husband dont care n dont bothered.At the same time cut all her allowance which was $300 and she decided to come out to work.Since then they stopped talking to each other other then the 2 kids problem.
After working sometime she managed to reduced her weight to 47kg and became very attractive.And for the past 2 years she has took up smoking n clubbings.In that 2 years she had almost 10 diff boyfriends and 1 of them got her impregnanted which she decided to abort it cause that guy kinda wimps.

She has decided to divorce her husband many times but failed.But this time round she is very determined to leave.And she decided to leave becos of me........


Those short-lived multifarious relationships that came along after the gradual crumbling of her marriage is a sign of emotional instability and blatantly a need to fill an emotional void. Some people who resort to 'clubbing' to attract 'new mates'. However, that quality of guys from there are pretty bad and those she ends up in a relationship with probably deepened her karmic love cycle and unleashed greater misery in a seemingly unbreakable chain.

I am assuming that you got to know her through the similar medium as well. And I must warn you that if your relationship is born out of a classic fling and after that, you then decide to develop it into a relationship - be prepared for serious cognitive dissonance.

Without deliberate conscious effort to steer away, all relationship shall perish the same way it was born (Law of Mirror Ending - CloUdiSm). This law corroborated with the logic that if you want X, then you cannot seek to find X in Y because X is X and Y is Y. Hence, you should seek to find X in X and not X in Y. The process in the metamorphosis in evolving Y into X, although served as a conscious effort to steer away, this decision often promise much misery and disillusionment.

In simple, if I want to eat chicken rice, then I cannot make my way to KFC and then request to order chicken rice. Although source might be similar (chicken), but the primary products that KFC is selling is entirely different from your individual expectation of desiring to consume chicken rice.

Hence, if it born of a fling, it often dies of a fling.

***

Her complication in love does not stem from the fact that she is helpless. In fact, she had made many choices in life; just that these choices are decisions that will almost set to plummet the condition of her love life into some karmic crisis in the future (she is facing it after four years marriage).

One must understand that 'having no choice' is a choice. Having poor judgement is part of the reason for choice to be undertaken.

Should you decide to pursue this relationship; unless you take active steps to steer the relationship into a brighter path that could ensure better longevity, if not, you will probably perish in this RHC (R`ship of Higher Complication) because you are unable to assist your woman in eradicating her own karmic love ties.

Cheers

Stark resemblence

Stark resemblence. =D